The Vine: July 18, 2001
Dearest Sars,
A friend recently decided to quit her job to be a freelance writer. I heard she was struggling a bit, so I offered her some work for my company. I wasn’t that desperate for someone to proofread the articles, but she did good work and I figured she could use the business. But in the midst of moving into her new place, she couldn’t find her fax machine and was giving the documents to her fiance to fax from his office, but then the guy’s secretary kept faxing them to my publisher’s fax. When he freaked out, I explained the situation, and he offered to lend her a spare fax. Then once she was done with the assignment, he said I could take the fax machine home in case of a work emergency, you know, like story assignments or resumes. When she heard I was taking it home, she decided I was going to frame her for the theft of a fucking $120 fax machine and totally wigged out. Now six months later, she wants another assignment. What’s the polite way to tell someone to get a fucking grip? We have friends in common, so I can’t be too mean to her.
Fax Stealer
Dear Stealer,
I have only the vaguest idea of what happened here — who sent what to whom, when? Why? Huh?
Whatever. Doesn’t matter. You don’t want her to work for you, bottom line, and a white lie should do the trick. Tell her you don’t have anything for her to do at the moment, but if anything comes in, you’ll let her know. Then…never let her know.
All right, I’m going to try to explain this without rambling…
Here’s the deal. When I was in 10th grade (I’ll be a senior this year), I was pretty good friends with this guy, and we made the mistake of trying to make our relationship “more than that.” Saying it did not work is an understatement — it was a disaster waiting to happen — and obviously I saw this coming much sooner than he did. To sum it up, the month we spent of trying to make it “more than that” was actually just a month of him turning into more and more of a jerk by the hour and becoming extremely jealous of any time I spent without him in some way, shape, or form (which turned out to be quite a lot). So, needless to say, I ditched him. I now think of the whole thing as a stupid mistake I’d rather just forget and move on with my life.
This all happened about a year and a half ago, and instead of joining me in letting it go, this guy will not give up on me. It’s very irritating. He acts as if I belong to him. Thank god he moved to another school when 10th grade was over or else I’d have to deal with it daily. But he works in the mall, and so do I, and then there’s always the computer. I act pleasantly enough towards him, but he uses every time he comes in some kind of contact with me as an opportunity to either A) profess his undying love, B) complain about me having friends and a life and not being able to devote every minute to him, or C) completely ignore me because he’s pissed about one of the above.
Like I said, I don’t see him every day so I don’t have to deal with this all the time, but he can’t seem to get it through his head that he does not own the rights to me. I’m not interested in his obsessiveness, and the whole situation is annoying and draining to deal with.
This is a very shortened version of what’s happened here, and I’m not going to go into the details of all the crazy stuff he’s done because it will take up too much space. I just want your opinion on how to get him to get over it or at least leave me the hell alone.
Thanks Sars,
Wanting To Be Left Alone
Dear Wanting,
Maybe you’ve already tried this, but just in case — he needs to hear, point blank, in so many words, in no uncertain terms, that you want him to get over it, and you, or you will cut him dead. Write it out in speech form, rehearse it, and deliver it, like so: “Look, Friend. Things didn’t work out between us romantically. A year and a half has passed. I don’t want to tell you how to feel, but I will tell you that, if you don’t stop using it as an excuse to behave inappropriately, I can’t be your friend anymore. Stop telling me you love me, because it makes me uncomfortable. Stop whining about my other friends and interests, because it’s annoying. Stop acting like you have a right to dictate what I do and how I feel, because you don’t. It’s crossed the line from pathetic into harassment, and if you can’t put a lid on it, I’ll put a lid on it for you. I like you, but I can’t take anymore of this. This is your first, last, and only warning. Knock it the fuck off.”
You have to make him hear you. It’s possible that you’ve tried to be nice, to avoid hurting his feelings, to try to give him gentle hints, but at a certain point, you’ve got to make with the blunt and tell him that he’s over the line. If you haven’t done so yet, do it, and soon.
If he keeps it up with the whining and pestering, start blowing him off…and if he steps up his campaign of annoyance in spite of you, tell your parents about it, because if he’s interfering with your life, someone might have to tell his parents and get him some counseling.
[7/18/01]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships workplace
