The Vine: July 18, 2003
I really feel for the writer who dislikes the constant use of endearments from strangers. As a nurse I have to admit it is a plague within the profession and I hate it too. I feel like it is really laziness, meaning I can’t remember your name so I will insert “honey,” “sweetie,” et cetera.
The other more serious problem I have with it is, it’s disrespectful and undignified and reduces the person you are speaking with into a generic non-person. In nursing education we are told that it is absolutely not acceptable to address a patient with endearments, and honestly I agree with it. The small effort it takes to address another human being by their name is a form of respect and an acknowledgement that they remain unique. Surveys completed by patients after hospitalization mention consistently how irritating patients find it being called familiar pet names by complete strangers. So despite the fact it is not a world-shattering problem, I believe people should think about the reasons why they feel they should be allowed to use personal endearments with complete strangers.
The least I can do is remember your name
Dear Least,
Not that I don’t believe you about the patient surveys…but if I wound up in the hospital, it seems like I’d have bigger things on my mind upon discharge than how the nursing staff chose to address me — like that I just had surgery or an emergency of some sort, and now on top of the stress of poor health and having to eat shitty food for three days, I have to fill out a stupid survey. I mean, a little perspective, maybe?
Maybe it’s because my so-called “unique” name is shared by, like, twenty percent of the women born between 1965 and 1975 in this country; maybe it’s because the IRS calls me by my full name and treats me like an undignified non-person anyway. But it just doesn’t seem to merit much more than an eye-roll to me, if that. If a postal clerk calling me “kid” is the worst thing that happens to me in the course of a given day, that’s a pretty good day.
Sars:
Recently my mom left my family. She has six children, and I am the second oldest. Mom has always been there for us, and now she is several states away and never calls. We are left with my stepfather, who is a second grade teacher who could not make enough money to support the four kids living in the home besides myself and make bills every month, I am sure.
I work full-time and go to college at night, and do not spend as much time with my siblings as I would like. My mom is not around and I am very angry with her for abandoning myself and my family. The kids need new shoes and clothes, and they get picked on at school for the things my mom did before she left, and other emotional problems of trying to cope.
I am very angry with her, because she did the same thing to me when she left my dad, only to show up a year later and take my older sister and me away from my dad. I know the problems these kids are about to have to deal with emotionally.
Last night I found a medical paper addressed to my stepdad concerning an HIV test and it scared the crap out of me. I want the kids to have a normal life and not deal with this crap. They have panic attacks, and the 15-year-old is becoming sexually promiscuous.
I told my mom that she needs to come back, but she doesn’t listen. It’s as if she feels she needs to teach us all a valuable lesson and that she is justified in leaving. She tells people I disowned her and plays victim; they wonder how I could do that to my own mother. I wonder how she abandons her own kids. It’s been seven months since my stepdad’s infidelity and my mom has been sleeping with many different men in the meantime.
My stepdad does the best he can, and I am afraid of offending him by buying the kids clothes and so on. This value instilled also by mother, not to spoil the kids by buying them anything. When I did so she would fly off the handle.
I seem to be the only person who voices any real opinions about things, I seem always to be the messenger of news and am expected to always do so. I was the one to tell the 15-year-old that she is not my father’s child, but my stepdad’s from an affair. I was the one to tell my mom how wrong her leaving is, and what effects it will have on everyone. I am the only one who accepts that these kids have problems, Stepdad has so much on his plate that the kids do not bother him with what they feel are trivial things.
Everyone is heartbroken, and they have referenced me as being a better mom because I am there for them, which I hardly am but weekends. I listen to them and try to counsel them, but I am not enough.
Should I offer to pay more rent for my room so that my stepdad has more money so he can buy the kids clothes? Should I just buy them things? Should I speak to him about the HIV test I found? How can I tell my mom and make her listen about the hurtful things she is doing to the people I love without her spreading gossip about me and playing a victim?
Sincerely,
Twenty years old, mother of four
Dear Twenty,
I hardly know where to begin here. Okay, let’s start with the facts, first and foremost among them that your mother is an asshole and I don’t think you should bother contacting her again. It sounds like she’ll sweep back in soon enough to play-act her role as mother and adult, but until that happens, consider her completely gone and tell her, in so many words, to fuck straight off.
The next fact to face here is that, really, none of this is your responsibility. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t care, obviously, or that you shouldn’t try to improve the situation generally, but at the end of the day, you did not create these problems, and if you can’t address and/or fix them all, it’s not because you failed. It’s because the situation is impossible. Don’t try to take on too much; you’ve got plenty on your plate already with work and school, and if you can’t keep the family from blowing apart in the end, it’s not your fault. You try your best; that’s all you can do.
In answer to your actual questions, you need to sit down with your stepdad and have a frank discussion about how to look after the kids properly. I would leave the HIV test out of it; just come up with a plan, a budget to get the kids clothed and properly looked after. If he needs to apply for government aid, or sue your mother to get some of her wages pulled over to the kids, he should get on that — now. Yes, he has a lot on his plate, but it’s his plate, and you can offer to help him, but he needs to step up and figure something out. If the kids need clothes and you can afford them, buy them some stuff. Encourage them to bring issues to your stepdad as well as to you. You all need each other right now.
What you do not need is to play into your mother’s bullshit. If she wants to act like a victim, let her. If other people want to believe her, let them. It doesn’t matter. Don’t complain, don’t explain, and unless it’s to ask her to send some goddamn money already, don’t talk to her unless you have to. She’s not going to listen; either she’s mentally ill, or she’s just an asshole, but either way, don’t waste your time.
And try to remember, again, that this isn’t your fault. The kids know you care, and that’s more than anyone can say for your mother, so try to feel good about that and do the best you can without going stone crazy.
Hiya Sars,
Your excellent rant on grammar, known by us Sars-ciples as “Sincerely Your’s,” is a reference I’ve consulted again and again. And here’s something that has always bugged me, but hasn’t been mentioned yet: using “and” instead of “to,” as in the email I just received from a friend who has a fansite for a popular young actress: “I think she’s really awesome and that’s why I try and keep the website up to date.”
Isn’t it wrong to say “try and”? Doesn’t she mean “try to”? If Prez Bush said, “We want to try and keep Iraq a peaceful place,” wouldn’t he be wrong? He’d mean “try to,” right? Let’s keep the AND where it belongs!
Anti-And
Dear AA,
“Try and” is incorrect…but sadly, I think it’s creeping in as accepted usage. According to Garner, it’s standard idiom in British English, and a “casualism” in American English, and it’s very common error that, I think, most people aren’t aware of making.
But it’s still wrong. I can live with it in dialogue, but in more formal writing, “try to” is called for.
Dear Sars,
My problem revolves around a boy, specifically my ex-fiancé. Ex and I mutually broke off our engagement about four years ago. We had been the perfect college couple, but our relationship didn’t work on the outside. Hearts were broken, and my fugly ostentatious engagement ring (that he selected) was returned to Ex.
Years have passed. Ex and I now live in separate time zones, but continue to share a number of mutual college friends. We’ve both moved on, and he recently became engaged to another woman. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little twinge of resentment that Ex has found sound someone while I’m still looking. Never the less, I do want him to be happy and sent him a pleasant congratulatory email.
Ex and New Fiancée are in a graduate programs at a large university, where a number of the aforementioned mutual friends are also in various grad and professional programs. Last night, three of these mutual friends ran into Ex and New Fiancée at a local bar. These three friends were, in truth, much closer to me than Ex. One of the three was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my cancelled wedding. My friends congratulated the happy couple, and like the bunch of wedding-happy girls they are, asked to see her engagement ring. The ring? My ring. My fugly ostentatious ex-engagement ring!
My girlfriends recognized it immediately and tried to cover their gasp of horror with blah blah blah what-a-beautiful-ring-cakes. Ex seems to realize that the ring has been recognized and swiftly ushers New Fiancée to the other end of the bar. My friends had a three-way sprint to the phone trying to be the first to inform me that Ex has recycled my engagement ring like a Christmas fruitcake. We all shared a chuckle about how 1. he was tacky and stupid and 2. the ring is still fugly.
Today, I received an email from Ex. He offered up a lame ass story about how this ring was meant to be for his future wife. He had thought that I was that woman, but now he has found his one true love who understands him and his fugly engagement ring. Whatever. Long story short…Ex begged me to ask my friends not to say anything around campus, because he doesn’t want New Fiancée to be hurt by “gossip about his past relationship.”
This is a double-edged sword. On one hand, I don’t want my friends bad-mouthing Ex all over the university. We have a number of mutual friends who could be hurt, and I certainly feel for New Fiancée. And on an entirely selfish level, it would make me look petty and jealous.
On the other hand, screw ’em. He knew he was attending graduate school with several old college friends who might recognize the ring. Ex made his own bed, let him lie in it.
What would you do, Sars?
Confused AND Conflicted
p.s. This was a store-bought five-year-old ring, not some family heirloom.
Dear C&C,
Tell him that you won’t say anything, but that if he wants the friends to keep quiet, he’ll have to talk to them about that himself. You didn’t even see the ring, after all, and you sympathize with his position (well, you don’t really, but you can say you do), but you don’t feel comfortable relaying messages and you’d prefer it if he left you out of it.
He might get all pissy, but your obligation to protect him from his own tackiness ends with you; what your friends choose to say is their affair. Tell him so.
Hey Sars,
I am an 18-year-old girl getting ready to move away to college. My problems stem from the fact that I am currently in a serious relationship with another girl.
In late August I am going to be moving to a school famous for its liberal atmosphere. Think hippies and protests in northern California…yeah, that one. Even though the school has a reputation for being tolerant and accepting, I am still concerned about going in wide open about my sexuality, because I am not sure about how individual students will feel about it.
This situation is further complicated by the fact that I am not even 100-percent definite about where I stand on the gay-straight continuum. The girl I am with is my first everything, and I have never even kissed a guy before. Basically, I am sure about the girl part, just not about the whole guy factor. Anyhow, taking this all into consideration, do you think it would be best to go in not hiding anything, or to take some time and work things out before going public?
The next part of my question concerns my relationship with my girlfriend. I know that it is customary to break up with a boy or girlfriend when college rolls around, but I have a few concerns about doing so. Of course, I wouldn’t even consider staying together unless we were both in love with each other, which we are, so that’s a given. But my girlfriend has not had an easy life. Among other things, she is recovering from alcohol and drug problems as well as serious depression. Things have been looking up for the past few months, partially because she has told me that I have given her a constant in her life. Not to say that she is dependent on me, but that she has something good in her life to keep her going. Now I am afraid that when I leave she is going to start slipping back into all her old problems. Especially since her alcoholic uncle is moving in with her family, so the temptation of a fridge full of beer will be back in her life.
So, I’m leaving in just a few weeks and I don’t know what to do. I am in love with her and I don’t want to leave her alone. She would like to stay together, but also has qualms about holding me back. But I’m a pretty shy person, and when you add that to the stress of starting college, I doubt I’d even be doing any dating for months. We will be living about eight hours away from each other, but do you think it’s worth giving it a try?
Thanks for your help,
College-bound
Dear College,
Sexuality isn’t like a major; you don’t have to declare one when you arrive on campus. Just play it by ear. A few individual students might behave intolerantly, maybe, but probably not; if you want to mention your girlfriend in passing and it feels like a friendly atmosphere, do it — and if you don’t, don’t. Just live your life. You don’t have to make a big announcement or join the gay/lesbian/bi alliance on campus if you don’t feel ready, or sure, or interested.
As for the girlfriend herself, yes, traditionally relationships have a tough time surviving the transition to college, but you don’t have to force the bloom yet. Keep the lines of communication open, acknowledge that the relationship is going to undergo a tough change, and see how it pans out — and if it doesn’t, end it. Again, it’s not a decision you have to make now — and it’s a decision you should try to make independent of the problems she’s had in the past. You can’t go into the situation feeling like you have to stay with her or she’ll fall apart, and if you do have concerns about her backsliding with the drinking or coming undone if you break up, you need to talk to her about those now.
But for both of your questions, I’d say the answer is “wait and see.” Not very satisfying, but you can’t react until something actually happens, if that makes any sense.
[7/18/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar the fam
