At the risk of submerging myself in a bog of psychobabble, the likes of which I may never overcome in my life, I have issues with closure. Specifically, I’ve been disappointed, angered, frustrated, and underappreciated by several people that I’m required by blood to be connected to, not to mention a few folks I actually chose as friends. Having been thusly put upon by their insensitivity and rudeness, I’ve often worked through a subject of concern on my own without reflection as to how to impress upon the offender that I’ve been hurt. But where does the bitterness go?

For example, I have spent the last six months coming to terms with the reprehensible treatment I received at the hands of my mother on the occasion of my wedding, the details of which I won’t recount and you wouldn’t believe anyway. But part of dealing with these issues is the strong desire to let it be known that I’ve been hurt, a fact that my mother (and in other cases, other offenders) does not recognize. I don’t come from a highly enlightened family, so my “high-falutin'” issues and closure won’t fly – so how can I get over being hurt when the party inflicting pain is in the dark? I don’t believe that it’s always best to spill your guts to someone. It sometimes does more harm than good, and you’re barely ever believed to be telling the whole truth. I’m not asking for permission to play the victim, I just want to know how to deal with the victimization.

Bride of Mother Frankenstein, Friend of Foes

Listen to the way you’ve phrased things in this letter. “Required.” “Put upon.” “Victimization.” You seem to think that you have to tolerate the bullshit of others, that you have to take what your family and friends dish out. You don’t, so…stop.

Sit these folks down and lay it out for them: the things they did and the ways they behaved that hurt you. Clear the air, but put them on notice, and if they keep doing and saying things that hurt you after you’ve expressed yourself, cut them off. Not to put the onus on you – you haven’t said what these people have done to you, after all – but they can’t hurt you if you stop letting them.

It’s a big step, but some people just don’t get it unless you take drastic action. Then again, some people still won’t get it even when you do take drastic action, and you’re better off without those people.

[7/19/00]

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