Hey Sars:

First of all, the usual kudos for your very fine writing — I think I’ve laughed at or enjoyed everything I’ve ever read that you write — and that includes your editorial comments over at MBTV and posts on the various boards. I also tend to think that your advice here is generally spot on.

Now, my problem. What I want from you is your opinion (duh) about whether I should do what I’m itching to do…send a cd to someone. Get comfy, because it’s a looong story.

See, for starters, there are two girls with whom I was very, very good friends with in high school. We belonged to the general crowd, within which there were discrete groups, and ours was one of the most closed — we weren’t too open with people other than the three of us, so we were very tight. These two girls were the two people closest to me, who knew everything about me, blah blah blah bloodsistercakes.

Then we went to university. They to one, although different colleges, I to another an hour away. First year: Pretty good. We talk on the phone all the time (but I begin to get tired of the fact that I always seem to be the one to call), make some visits to each other (but I seem to have to prompt any action beyond the “oh, that’ll be great in a couple of months” stage), and although some distance had crept in, I figured that was natural and that we were strong, we’d push through it.

We had a fight where I said that I needed them to let me know that they wanted me around more (i.e. the not-calling, no-interest thing) during that summer after first year? I was still in my university town because of an awesome job opportunity. I let them know that I would be insecure if I didn’t feel the love coming from them, and that it would bother me.

They let me know that they would try, but that maybe I was asking too much and that the level of contact they had with me was far, far above anyone else that they weren’t actually living in residence with. So, although I was feeling basically forgotten and neglected, I realized that it could be in my head, and that if I just tried, I could be content with less, especially if “that was all they had to give — to anyone.”

So for the rest of the summer, I didn’t call as often, I didn’t pester them to come out with me and my other (though mutual) friends, I didn’t harangue them about canceled plans. I played it cool, the way that they had asked me to.

Come the start of second year, I move into a new house with four guys I’ve never met (as a girl, it was a little daunting, and I could’ve used their perspectives on the process), and what with one thing or another, I don’t get my phone hooked up for quite a while. When I finally do manage to obtain a phone number and call her, it’s been four weeks since we last spoke, and that was a five-minute conversation to cancel plans. When she doesn’t call me back, I get concerned and nervous.

To put it plainly, I admit that I harassed her with messages on her answering machine for the next month. I’d call, leave a message, give her four or five days to call back, then call again. My messages deteriorated from “hey, how’s it going, I’d love to talk,” to “I need to talk, is something wrong,” to “if you don’t call me back, then I have to assume that there is something seriously wrong with our friendship and that would hurt me, so let me know.” After Thanksgiving, six weeks have elapsed, and I write an email saying that I’m hurt and confused and completely in the dark — please for the love of little apples, let me know what’s happening! It’s not until December that I finally manage to drag the two of them to a face-to-face meeting that I have to arrange, so that they can tell me why they stopped talking to me. It’s been four months of me not knowing, not understanding, not even having the faintest clue what the specifics are.

But we’re not there, as I thought we were, to discuss our friendship and try to heal it. After an hour of talking, I realize we’re not having the same conversation — I’m trying to reconcile, they’re trying to break up with me.

Their reasons are still murky to me, but basically, it was that they decided for me that I wasn’t ever going to be happy with the level of friendship they could give me (which was based on my crazy message antics, and that wouldn’t have escalated so if they had simply called me back once and said, “I got the messages…STOP CALLING”), and that my actions/advice to them the first year “intentionally or unintentionally” had the goal of driving the two of them apart (at the time, they weren’t speaking because they were both mildly depressed and couldn’t bother, and I was encouraging them to do so), and that revision of our history I guess made them unable to be friends with me anymore.

Of course, they came to that opinion independently of any input from me, and didn’t care to listen to me dispute it. The whole of the conversation I felt like I was reasoning with a wall. They weren’t going to move from their position no matter what I said. In the four months since, I have realized that I have been moderately depressed since around that September (partly for this reason — losing one of my major support systems and being in the dark about it, which led to a lot of doubt and uncertainty — partly because of school and my issues there academically and with other friends…which maybe I could’ve handled if this other thing hadn’t occurred) and have started medication and counselling. I have seen them once (in the video store, said hi and walked away) but otherwise have had no communication. I can’t contact them because they made it very clear that they wanted no contact initiated by me (“Would you want me to phone you if I’m going to be in town and haven’t spoken to you for months, let’s go get coffee?” “We can’t say yes, don’t want to be cruel by saying no”). I have accepted that I have to work through my anger and hurt on my own (and with counselling) without being able to express that hurt and anger directly to them, and without expecting that they will care that I’m hurt and angry or have anything more to say if they knew.

What I want advice on is this: being depressed, being melancholy, I think about this a lot, usually while listening to music. I’ve realized that there are a lot of songs in my collection that express exactly how I’m feeling about the whole shitty situation, in a Fiona Apple/David Gray/Lisa Loeb kind of way (any more suggestions?). The words, the feelings evoked by the music, say exactly what I want to say to these two girls, who I still feel connected to in so many ways.

I have been wanting to burn all these songs (probably about 40 minutes of music) onto a couple of CDs and send them to my former friends. Just to say, you never gave me a chance to let you know what the dumping meant to me, you never gave me a chance to make sure you know just how shitty you made me feel, and why it made me feel that way.

I don’t expect a response, or (heaven forbid) for them to hear it and come weeping to my feet in regret for the bad things I feel they did, begging forgiveness. But I do want to get rid of this awful feeling that they don’t realize how bad they made me feel, that they don’t understand. I don’t want to send this to get anything out of them, but instead to make myself feel better. That I expressed myself somehow. That I did what I could and said, “There. That’s what it is. If you don’t want to deal, that’s your decision, that’s your problem. But it ain’t mine.” I’d just like to add that I have done the whole write a letter/burn it up thing, and I still feel like I have something to tell them. I don’t want to send that letter because at this point, I’m not sure I’m comfortable sending such exposing things about the way I’m affected while I believe that they really don’t give a shit. In my words, in the specifics, it reveals too much to people who used to know me so well, and now don’t appear to care at all. At least with the CD, it’s a step removed, and I know they’ll listen to it, because I know that they’ll like the songs.

So? Is it a huge mistake to send it? Will I regret it later? Is it just a passing fancy, or a stage in the grieving process?

Tearfully yours, Lost One

Thanks for the kind words.

Now, for God’s sake, get over it. You refused, willfully, for months and months, to take a hint. You wouldn’t accept the fact that your friends had moved on, and that you should have too, long ago. You say that you want to send the CD to make yourself feel better, but that’s a lie — you do want them to beg your forgiveness, even though you won’t admit it. You want to get their attention.

Well, that’s exactly what the CD will do. It will get their attention…the kind of attention where they call each other up and talk about you in the “what in the hell” tone that people usually reserve for drunks and crazy people…the kind of attention where they make fun of you. Your friends will never prostrate themselves in front of you, or call you up and apologize for making you feel bad. Your friends tried to give you a gentle brush-off, but you didn’t — wouldn’t — catch your snap, and by refusing to catch it now, you risk turning into a stalker. Things, and people, change. You can’t go back; you can’t stop it. Period. Stop trying, for the sake of your own self-respect.

You have self-esteem and attachment issues, and you’ll address those in your therapy, but until you get there, adopt the principle that feelings follow behavior. Act like you know they’re out of your life until you get to a place where you believe it. And while you do that, ask yourself why you hold on so hard to high-school friends, why you take the natural changes we all go through with our friendships so personally.

But DON’T SEND THE CD. Have some dignity, even if it’s late in coming.

Please point me down the proper path, oh font of wisdom and basic social-interaction understander:

I just found out that an ex-boyfriend (who is also an old friend of the family) is getting married in two weeks. I’m not invited to the wedding (duh), but I really like the couple, I’m happy they’re getting married (they’ve dated for almost 10 years), and I’d like to send a gift. Message I’d like to convey: “Congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy marriage.”

Messages I’m afraid of conveying: “I still love you.” “Why didn’t you invite me?” “How could you marry HER?” “I know where you live, and I’m planning to stalk and kill you.” (None of these are true, but you know how it goes with non-verbal communication.)

So — is there a rule about sending a gift for a wedding you weren’t directly informed of? Should I send a thoughtful card instead? Do nothing?

Thanks for setting me straight,
Overanalyzing

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Dear Overanalyzing,

Okay, let me get this straight. Ten YEARS have passed, and you think your ex thinks you still love him? You describe him as a family friend, but I don’t get the feeling you two have stayed close, and, again…ten years. Hello. He doesn’t care about you either way; if he did, you’d have gotten an invite.

But you didn’t, so you don’t need to send a gift, and you shouldn’t. It’s not necessary, and frankly, your wanting to send one seems like showboating to me. Buy a card, write “congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy marriage” in it, send it, and get on with your life.

[7/19/01]

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Tags:   etiquette   friendships