I’m looking for an objective opinion here, and I almost always agree with your advice, so you are the lucky recipient of my angst. No, no, don’t thank me just yet.

First, the basics — happily married, 34, two kids, your basic not-so-bad life. I never dated at all (not for lack of interest on my part) in high school and very little my freshman year of college. I was dating-challenged, socially inept, blah blah blah wallflowercakes. Naturally, after freshman year I went home and hooked up with a boy for the summer. I had no business dating this boy to begin with (he was 21 going on 31, I was 19 going on 12), but we had a pretty good time overall. I was veeeerrrry infatuated with him; no overt clues about how he felt about me, we just sort of saw each other a lot. We never talked about the relationship itself, whether it meant anything, or what was going to happen when I went back to school (which was 5000 miles away). I, uh, was a virgin when I met him but not one by the end of the summer, so there’s a little clue for you about how involved we were.

Anyway, to make a long story longer, the last few weeks before I was due to go back to school, he wigged or something. Nothing really obvious, just that weird vibe you get when you know something has changed even though it seems the same. He was late picking me up a couple of times and seemed to think it was no big deal, didn’t show up at all once (said he’d partied too hard the night before and slept through our date), seemed to be pulling back a bit on the physical side of things, and backed out at the last minute on a commitment to drive me to the airport for my flight home (creating a huge problem for me since the airport was two hours away). In between all that, things were normal enough that I thought I was imagining the weird vibes. The last time I saw him he promised to check on train departures for the airport, and said he would take me to the station. I never saw or spoke to him again before I left. He didn’t have a phone, I didn’t have a car; I basically was waiting for him to call or come over and he just…didn’t. Wig city, right? He didn’t write to me, but did write to a friend of mine and she told me he said that he “knew he was being an asshole to me but didn’t know why,” and that he wanted to “keep his options open.” I did see him one last time when I went home again for Christmas — I went to his apartment to return some things of his that I had and to talk. I didn’t confront him very forcefully, he stonewalled me, and I caved and walked home in tears. I was pretty sure he was seeing someone else by then so it seemed a little odd to pursue something that was clearly over.

Why am I writing to you about this 15 years later? Well, I was sorting through some stuff a few nights ago and found a journal I’d kept that summer. I re-read it, and it brought up all the old “what the hell happened?” questions. Out of curiosity, I did a web search and found him very easily. The obvious question is, should I contact him in an effort to give myself some closure? I mean, I haven’t exactly been dwelling on this for years, although I was pretty messed up for at least a year after we split. I’ve thought of him occasionally when something reminded me of him, which is not very often. But for the past few days I have found myself obsessing about getting in touch with him. I’m not looking to renew the friendship (I live on the other side of the world from him now anyway). He hurt me a lot, but I’ve thought a lot about all the potential responses I might get by contacting him and asking, “Why did you wig on me?” and I don’t think any of them would really shake me up now (except maybe if he didn’t remember me at all — that would be a blow). I really would like some kind of explanation, but of course when guys wig there isn’t always an explanation. But if there is one, I’d like to hear it, and that’s truly all I really want from him. Lay some wisdom on me, Sars — do I contact him? And if I do, what do I say?

Signed,
Not A Psycho Ex-Girlfriend, Just A Curious One

You still need “closure” — after fifteen years? After you married another man and had children with him? What “closure” do you think you’d get, exactly?

The guy treated you like crap. That’s the beginning and end of the story. It’s one thing to run into him, get to chatting about old times, and ask in the course of the conversation why he wigged — that’s fine. Writing to him out of nowhere after over a decade, to pick at a scab that should have healed when Bush Sr. was still president? Sorry, but that is kind of psycho, and if he does remember you, he’ll think so too.

I mean, he wigged because he didn’t want a serious relationship with you, and he didn’t have the sack to say it to your face. There you go — there’s your closure. The guy’s out of your life now, and that’s for the best, so…keep it that way.

[7/19/02]

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