The Vine: July 19, 2005
Dear Sars,
Last year I became friends with a really nice guy who was a Muslim. I kept asking him loads of questions about his religion so he gave me a translation of the Qur’an. I’ve always been interested in religion and wanted to be religious but nothing fit. When I read the Qur’an, it just felt right. After a lot of study and careful thought I converted to Islam at the start of this year and I feel so much happier with my life now.
My problem is how do I tell people? Is it best to make a big statement or just drop it into conversation? More importantly, how and when do I tell my parents and family? I don’t live with them but I love them dearly and I feel so bad at having to keep this secret from them for fear of their reaction. Especially as Islam is somewhat misunderstood.
I haven’t told many people at work, but I’m sure they’ll start to wonder where I am on breaks when I’ve gone to pray (thankfully my workplace has a prayer place for Muslims).
The way I see it is, it’s a big deal to me but I don’t want it to be a big deal to them because while it is a big part of my life now, I’m still the same person.
Worried Muslimah
[I’ve asked Deborah of Chicklit to tag in on this question; her response appears below.]
Dear What Better Time To Tell People You’ve Converted Than Right After Yet Another Violent Attack By Psychopathic Islamists?
Salaam alaikum, sister. Sars thought I’d be a particularly good person to answer this question, as I converted to Islam in November 2004 after mulling it over for, oh, nearly a decade. In my case (because it took so bloody long), when I finally made the decision, nobody was shocked — or if they were, they did a good job of hiding it. My friends and acquaintances were all supportive, simply wanting me to be happy and at peace. My husband’s family members, being Muslim, were overjoyed. (Actually, a few were surprised, but mainly because they thought I already was Muslim.) I think my sister said something like, “Cool.” My stepmother’s comment: “I’m surprised it took you so long.” My father still hasn’t said one single word about it. He looked serious and nodded when I told him, but whatever he feels about it, he’s decided to keep it to himself, as he does with most things.
Religion has never been a huge part of my family’s life, and the main reason I told my parents about my decision at all — since it barely impinges on their lives — relates to the one way in which it might affect them. Namely: if I die before they do, they need to understand that I would be having a Muslim funeral, which is a fairly different deal from the typical Christian/secular affair. I didn’t think it was fair for them to find that out only upon my death, even though I’ll likely outlive them anyway. A lot of the other things — not drinking, not eating pork, not gambling — I’d already long established in my life so they were already used to that.
There are lots of ways to tell people about your decision — and I feel, since you’re asking this question, I can safely assume you don’t wear hijab, which is the number-one nonverbal announcement.
Let’s tackle the coworkers first. Since you work in an environment that provides prayer space for Muslims, I presume you’re not the only one around. It should be unnecessary to make any kind of big statement; if someone wonders where you are on your breaks, you can just casually mention that you were praying. Whether they twig right away (“You’re Muslim? Since when?”) or go all confused (“What? Huh?”) you can give as much information as is necessary to complete the conversation. Word will probably get around the office pretty quickly, unless you work with an uncommonly closemouthed bunch. If anyone seems especially concerned or curious, invite them to join you for lunch so you can answer their questions in more depth than casual workplace conversation usually allows. Exhibiting your openness to their questions, and establishing your willingness to participate in a dialogue about Islam, should help smooth over some difficulties and awkwardness.
Basically, with coworkers, I see no reason to operate on anything other than a need-to-know basis. If no one asks, maybe no one’s too concerned about where you are on your breaks, anyway. They’re probably obsessing about who didn’t wash the coffeepot or wondering if anyone knows how many office supplies they steal.
As for your family, obviously, this is a little trickier. Since you’re feeling uncomfortable about keeping this from them, I think you do need to make a little bit more of a statement to them. Depending on what your family’s like — it’s hard to tell from your letter, since you don’t say anything about them other than that you’re somewhat afraid of their reaction — consider whether you want to do this via letter, phone, or in person. If you expect a hostile or hysterical reaction, you might want to tell them in writing, thereby providing the opportunity to chill before they respond to you.
But if possible, I think it’d be best to tell them in person, because if they’re likely to overreact, and visualize you as a suddenly unrecognizable person sporting hijab and reciting prayers in Arabic, at least they can see that you are, as you put it, the “same person.” You are, and you aren’t, and they’re going to focus on the “aren’t” part. Even if they’re not given to overreaction, what better way to reassure them that you are both at peace with your choice and still a part of the family than to let them see you in person?
No matter how you decide to tell them, let them know exactly what you said here: that you love them dearly, and you are uncomfortable shutting off this part of your life from them. Emphasize that your religious choice doesn’t diminish your connection to them one iota (and you can add something about the value Islam places on family and respect for parents). Do whatever you can to make them feel comfortable asking you any questions they have and to provide reassurance about their fears (that you’ll proselytize them, that your politics might veer toward frightening extremes, that you’re going straight to Hell, that you worship an alien, that you’ll marry some guy who’ll spirit you away to a country they’ve never heard of and make you walk ten steps behind him and they’ll never see you again, whatever).
One (legitimate) fear they might have is that you’ll be victimized by Islamophobes, and you can tell them that their becoming educated about Islam and Muslims through you is one of the best ways to undermine ignorance and intolerance. That may not reassure them much, but in a world this unpredictable and dangerous, it’s one of the few things we’ve got, so we’d better make the most of it. Good luck, and congratulations on finding a path that brings you peace and happiness.
I have a question about neighbors, noise, and dogs. I really just want to know if I’m being short-sighted and if I am, indeed, as rude as my neighbor thinks. “What to do about the situation” is a different question that we are still working on.
We have two dogs who are about a year old. We live in a standard suburbia neighborhood with a huge park behind our house where lots of people walk their dogs. Mutt 1 barks at about 80% of the dogs that walk by. Mutt 1 also randomly lets out a “woof” at seemingly nothing — not really a bark, but maybe just a “woof” every 15 seconds for about two minutes. Mutt 2 is half beagle and has that semi-irritating beagle bark. He barks whenever he and Mutt 1 are playing. They are very high energy dogs, they play very rough, and at times a bit loud.
Both Hubby and I work, so the dogs go outside to go potty at 5:30 AM. We bring them out there and stay with them until they are finished and are never out for more than about 10 minutes. Occassionally Mutt 1 will do his woof thing if he hears an animal or person in the park. They are inside (and can’t be heard even if they did bark — which they don’t) until 11 AM when they get a half hour to potty and play and then they go back inside until 4 PM. Most of the time they sit around and do nothing, but on occasion they’ll play, which means some barking.
From 4 until about 7 they are out in the yard to play, unless they are on a walk, which is less time in the yard. They are not always attended, but we are always aware of them and try to curb any complete out-of-hand barking. Let me note that this is also the time of day when people would generally mow their lawns, run leaf blowers, and kids scream and play. Our dogs are inside again until about 10 PM when they go out for one last potty before bedtime — and again Mutt 1 occassionally does his woof-thing, but they’re out there for less than 15 minutes. Weekends are different, but they aren’t outside before 10 AM and rarely out past 8 PM.
We’ve spoken to our neighbors, the Frankensteins, three times now. The first time was some sort of semi “welcome to the neighborhood” speech which only left us feeling like they were really bizarre, but harmless. The second time was four months ago when Mr. F came to our driveway while we were working (Mr. F is a chauvinist and will only speak to Hubby) to tell us how our dogs bark too much. We listened and he barely let us speak. Among many unnecessary details, he told us he’s a light sleeper and works odd hours. We took his words in and changed a lot of things so perhaps it would be more pleasing to him.
Last night was the third time we heard from him. Mutt 1 randomly needed to potty at 11:30 and for some reason got a little barky. Still not like the non-stop barking, but I agree that it could be irritating. Hubby was working on bring him in, but without the whole background, Mutt 1 is very difficult and a bit immature still, so it was taking a few minutes.
Mr. F came out and started screaming and swearing at Hubby about how he needed to “shut that dog up” and the conversation just got worse from there. He used some sort of ultrasonic device (which he won’t admit, but it was perfectly audible to a human), which only sent Mutt 1 off of the deep end and he started barking like crazy. We’ve attempted to use these things in the past, but they do no good and sometimes make their behaviour worse.
I brought both dogs inside while Mr. F screamed at Hubby and barely let him get a word in edgewise. Hubby isn’t the most confrontational person, but there were still plenty of things to be said in our defense. He heard about how we are rude, lazy, and “the biggest nuisances in the neighborhood.” The neighbors on the other side seem to be generally fine with our dogs and we’ve spoken to them (and we plan to talk to them again today), and our schedule doesn’t seem to bother them or their very young children. We haven’t heard from any other neighbors, but I guess they could just be harboring their anger until they blow up at us also. Our schedule is fairly predictable and if they are barking at night, it’s safe to assume it’ll end within five minutes.
Mr. F is upset because he can’t take a nap in the afternoon without hearing our dogs bark. He pointed out that his other neighbors have a dog and he doesn’t bark like ours do (it’s an older Great Dane — not known much for barking anyway). He doesn’t think dogs should be allowed to bark at all and he says he’s going to start making a log of every time our dogs bark and petition the neighborhood. Not sure what punishment he’s looking for but maybe a fine, or jail, or to make us move — not sure. The township noise ordinances are pretty vague and don’t allow “nuisance barking,” but that is defined by who you ask.
We already plan on talking to more trainers (Mutt 1 has already been through boot camp) and that’s really not a problem. The more training the better — we work with them every day as those dogs are my life, but we certainly are not professionals. I do readily acknowledge that there is some amount of lack of control over our dogs and since they are rescue dogs they come with their own set of problems.
I guess my question, after all of this, is really — are we completely wrong? Should dogs be seen but never heard? Ever. I grew up in a neighborhood where people kept outside dogs and many of them barked and howled all night long — it’s just how it went. I don’t necessarily agree with all of that, but I think my kids should be allowed to play. I’m very protective of my dogs so I fear that I’m missing a big part of the picture so as to feel like I’m right. Give it to me straight, I can take it. Even if I couldn’t — Mr. F doesn’t seem to be all that concerned about my feelings.
Sincerely,
We have a zappy collar, but I can’t bring myself to use it — unless it’s on Mr. F
Dear Zap,
No, you’re not wrong. Dogs bark, and yours sound comparatively quiet compared to some I’ve lived near. If there were consistent, sustained barking, like for half an hour every night, and it took place after 10 PM, then Mr. F might have a point, but…I take siestas myself, and if my neighbors are making noise or there’s hullabaloo out on the street, that’s my tough, pretty much. It’s 3 PM; it’s not quiet hours.
It’s sometimes the case that dog owners, over time, will start to tune out certain annoying behaviors — like, they’ll readily agree that yapping is annoying, but then if their dogs are the ones yapping, they’ll be like, “…What do you mean?” because they’re just used to it; they don’t even hear it anymore. I think you’ve done due diligence in making sure that’s not what’s going on here, by talking to your other neighbors and so on.
But on the flip side of that, it’s also sometimes the case that people who aren’t accustomed to or who don’t “get” dogs will be way over-sensitive to stuff like that, and they’ll be all, “WELL I NEVER” when a dog shoves his nose in their crotches, like, okay, it’s a little embarrassing, but…that’s just how dogs roll. Relax. And I think that’s the deal with Mr. F — that not only does he have an unreasonable expectation of quiet in the afternoon, but he also has an unreasonable expectation of quiet from dogs, and on top of that, he’s conditioned himself to find it so annoying at this point that even minor barking is going to set him off.
So, you know, let him get up his stupid little petition; it won’t go anywhere. Most of the neighborhood won’t want to get involved, or will agree with you that he’s being a wad about it, so continue to do what you have been as far as keeping the dogs quiet, but honestly, if earplugs and a white noise machine haven’t worked for Mr. F, his problem isn’t your dogs. His problem is that he enjoys having a problem.
Dear Sars:
I have a fairly simple question of roommate etiquette.
I’m living with three other people in a cluster housing unit. It’s essentially a townhouse; we have a communal kitchen and living room, and we each have our own bedrooms. Roommate A and I have been friends since first year (we’re in third year now), and Roommate B was A’s roommate for the first two years in residence (a regular dorm). B and I are usually friends but frequently don’t see eye-to-eye. Roommate C just moved in last week at the beginning of the semester, and we’ll call her Mystery Girl because we didn’t know her before.
Apparently, A and B are uncomfortable with Mystery Girl’s friends knocking once or twice and then coming in to the house if no one answers the door. The door is never unlocked if no one is home; it’s not like they could be coming in if there’s nobody around. Mystery Girl sometimes has her door shut and might not be able to hear the knock, so her friends just come in to the house if we don’t get there in time to answer.
Is this acceptable? I don’t have a problem with it; Mystery Girl is paying just as much rent as we are, and she has the right to have friends over (especially if they stay in her room, which they usually do). My boyfriend walks in frequently without knocking (but according to A and B, that’s acceptable because we’ve known him longer). I don’t know. I don’t think they’re going to rob us or smash things or whatever, and I wouldn’t want them to just walk away if Mystery Girl doesn’t get to the door in time. B also has a history of anticipating the worst and getting bent out of shape over things that have not yet become problems.
I think A and B plan to discuss it with her later, so I’m sure it will get resolved, but I’m wondering what the proper etiquette (if any) is in this situation. Is it whatever everyone feels comfortable with? Are they being unreasonably paranoid? Am I being too trusting or inconsiderate? Should we just keep the door locked at all times? How can Mystery Girl ever feel comfortable in her own home if my friends are so suspicious?
This Should Not Be Such A Big Deal
Dear I Agree,
Well, I would tell you that the house rules should prevail — that however y’all did things before Mystery Girl moved in is how she should do them too — but the thing is, this is how you did things before. Your boyfriend has come and gone without a problem in the past, so setting an arbitrary “we have to have known the people for X amount of time” rule is a bit much, in my opinion. The same rules should apply to everyone.
So, just mention that you don’t think it’s a big deal, and ask what exactly the issue is — I mean, if A and B like to walk around in their underwear and they don’t want a stranger seeing that, fine, but if they hear knocking, maybe that should be their signal to, you know, go in their rooms and put some clothes on. And again, they don’t have an issue with your boyfriend in this regard. But if they decide to tighten up the rules, just go along with it; it’s probably not worth getting in an argument over.
[7/19/05]
Tags: cats grammar roommates
