Dear Sars,

I have what could potentially be a sticky situation. I may be making nothing out of it, but I’m worried that it will be a big problem down the road.

A little background: when I was sixteen, I got pregnant. Despite being severely freaked, I considered all my options. I knew I was in no way prepared to raise a child at that point in my life. I’m pro-choice, but having an abortion didn’t feel right for me. So I decided to have the baby and put it up for adoption, but only if it were open. My family supported me through this choice, and I eventually gave birth to a little girl.

“Lucy” was adopted by a wonderful couple. They were supportive of me maintaining contact with her through cards, letters, photos, and visits a few times a year. Lucy is six now, and you could not find a greater kid. We’ve been honest with her about the adoption and who I am. She doesn’t call me Mom, because, well, she has one of those, but she knows I’m her biological mother. (Her biological father is not in the picture, of his own volition.) It hasn’t been a problem so far.

I went on to graduate high school, go to university (I graduate this May), and meet a wonderful guy, “Ian,” in the process. He knows the circumstances of Lucy’s birth. He’s even met her a couple of times. We got engaged this past fall, and we’re ecstatic about getting married.

All this sounds great, right? No problem. Except for one. Recently, and quite unexpectedly, I discovered that I was pregnant again.

My reaction wasn’t completely negative. I always knew that I wanted to have more kids, but I had absolutely not planned on it being so soon. I talked about it with Ian, who was terrified but thrilled. After much deliberation, we’ve decided that we are going to raise this child. It will be tough going, especially for the first couple of years, but we feel like we can do this.

Sars, I am concerned about Lucy. I haven’t told her yet that I’m going to have a baby. I have told her adoptive parents, but have requested that they not say anything until I get a chance to. Lucy has been told from the beginning that when she came along, I wasn’t ready to be a mom, so I wanted her to have a family that was ready. She knows that I love her very much and have only wanted what was best for her. She seems to accept that. But how do I explain to a six-year-old that I’m going to keep this baby when I didn’t keep her? There’s only so far explanations of finances and emotional maturity will go with a first-grader. Is there any way to prevent her from feeling hurt? I know I may be making something out of nothing, but I was wondering if you had any suggestions on what to say and what not to say to her.

Thanks so much. I love the site.

Man, These Hormones Will Fuck You UP

Dear Horm,

I don’t think you do explain it.Not that Lucy won’t see things that way — kids can sense things, more than they’re often given credit for, even if they can’t put a name to what they’re seeing or feeling, so for that reason, it’s usually best to be honest with them, or to talk them through sticky issues like this so that they don’t draw the wrong conclusion (which often translates to “blaming themselves for things that they had no control over”).You don’t want to give them more information than they can handle at whatever age, of course, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to make it explicit for her.

But I also don’t think that this is your conversation to take the lead on; you need to let her parents handle it, at least at first, because…they’re her parents.They see her every day, and presumably they have made choices and developed strategies for a situation like this, both because they’re familiar with how this six-year-old thinks and what she can handle, and because they’ve obviously had a plan from day one for discussing the issues surrounding her adoption with her.

You’ve been a part of that plan, and obviously you’re not irrelevant to it in this instance, but I think you need to tell her parents what you just told me, and then defer to their decision on how Lucy is told, and how much.Your instincts, generally, are good, I think, in terms of wanting to confront any anxiety or hurt Lucy might feel head-on, but her parents are the ones who will have to cope with any negative emotional fall-out on a daily basis — and the ones who, by the same token, might know best how to avoid said fall-out in the first place.

And it’s entirely possible that Lucy won’t react negatively, given the groundwork that’s been laid already.But this is, strictly speaking, not your responsibility.Sound out her parents on how they want to proceed, and take it from there.

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