The Vine: July 2, 2004
Hi Sars,
Your advice to Missed Courtship 101 was spot-on as usual, but I just wanted to add that he should relax — a lot of girls dig that kind of bumbling and clueless, yet cute and well-intentioned vibe. Not every girl is looking for Rico Suave. He’ll do fine.
Happily married, or I would have included my phone number
Dear Hap,
Agreed — and in fact, Rico-ness is a little off-putting to a lot of people. As long as you don’t act like one of those desperate horndogs in Losin’ It, you’ll do fine.
Hey, Sars,
I love your column and your writing — you’re my favourite agony aunt since Garrison Keillor. I don’t know if you can help with a problem from across the pond, but here goes…
My problem is that money terrifies me — not the coins and notes as such, or the spending, just those envelopes that come through the door with my bank statements in ’em. Financially I’m not too badly off. My credit card payments are under control (I just bought a new computer so I owe the equivalent of $1000 in total, which I intend to pay off over the next couple of months). I have a good job with plenty coming in every month to cover the bills, I have savings and a pension plan and I live reasonably well within my means. My only dependents are a couple of cats. Compared to most of my friends, I’m doing great.
My problem is that my heart sinks when the bank statements come through the door. I’d rather juggle tarantulas than open them. I physically shake, I feel sick. The only way I know that I’m overdrawn is when the bank sends me a letter, and I don’t open them either, I just transfer money across from my savings and hope the problem’s going to go away.
I think the problem started when I was at university; both my parents died, and just keeping my head above water meant that my debts soared to thousands of dollars. We had to sell our home, but then my sister moved her deadbeat boyfriend in and he effectively trashed the place. It was a horrible time and I felt miserable, trapped and helpless. Every bank statement was just more bad news, regular as clockwork, once a month. I still find bank statements from that time, still in their envelopes, stuffed into the back of suitcases and in piles of papers. Okay, so I wasn’t that great at keeping track of my finances beforehand, but I think that now, quite a few years later, I have to acknowledge that I have a real problem. Do you have any advice?
Thanks,
Wombatgirl
Dear Wombat,
It’s a phobia, I think, with a valid reason at its root — everything you had to deal with in university — but it’s time to get help with it, and the good news is, it won’t take all that long. Many therapists can help you with it, and most of them will want to talk to you about how the dread started, and then help you start ripping those puppies open with abandon by taking baby steps: the first step is spending a few minutes just looking at the bank statement; the next is picking it up and handling it, but not opening it; then you open it but don’t do anything with it; and so on.
Find a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing; it’s really not a long-term treatment commitment and you should be balancing your checkbook happily by the end of the year.
And for the record, I have no such checking trauma in my past and it still takes me two weeks to deal with bank statements. Don’t feel like you’re a weirdo. Nobody likes bank statements, really.
Dear Sars,
The issue? My girlfriend. We’ve been together for nearly two years. She’s kind, caring, treats me well, is generally all kinds of good stuff that I never thought I’d find, and I do love her. The downside, however, is that although she’s 26 (same as me), she’s got a mental and emotional age of about half that, and she has a lot of associated habits that drive me bonkers. She’s grown up a lot in the time that we’ve been together, but there are still times when I say to myself, you know, if I wanted to date a 13-year-old boy, I’d be dating a 13-year-old boy, not a 26-year-old woman.
For her part, she tells me I’m too serious and need to “lighten up,” and I know that that’s true, and I have been working on it — trying to laugh more and shake things off better. I’ve also been working on my temper at her request, and I feel like I’ve come a long way. She’s been really good for me in that respect; she’s helped me tone it down, and I really appreciate that. On the other hand, when I ask her to work on something about her, I feel like it can sometimes go unregarded, and this is where my question comes in.
She stays with me on weekends, but we don’t see each other during the week (we live about an hour’s drive apart), so we talk on the phone every weeknight. She’s very routine-oriented: she has her way of doing things (getting ready for work, getting ready for bed, et cetera), and she doesn’t like being interrupted — not in a crotchety, Archie Bunker way, but more that it throws her out of whack and she loses her place and gets fretful (for this and many other reasons, I suspect ADD, but that’s another story). As a result, we worked out a long time ago that it’s easier for her to call me at night than vice-versa, and I’m okay with that.
The problem arises, however, if I’m doing something and don’t have time to talk. It’s not so much if I go out or whatever, she’s fine with that, but more if I’m at home and otherwise occupied (cooking, studying, wanting to go to bed early, whatever). As soon as I say that I want or have to get going, she will say, “Okay,” then immediately start dredging up totally random and unimportant things to tell me to keep me on the phone — what she had for dinner, a detailed list of what she bought at the supermarket, et cetera. And she does this ALL THE FUCKING TIME, most recently last night.
If I try to go anyway, she acts hurt (“oh…okay” in an “it’s totally not okay” tone of voice), and I either hang up then and she actually does feel hurt, or I end up losing my temper, and then I’m rattled and she’s even more hurt, and so on. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to talk to her about it, both in the heat of the moment and calmly and collectedly later. I’ve explained that I feel like she doesn’t respect me when she does it, that I get quite upset, and that the fact that she continues to do this even though I’ve told her that I feel disrespected and get upset makes it worse, but none of it has been to any avail, and I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve toyed with the idea of just hanging up on her when she starts in, but I hesitate to do that, because I suspect that it would upset us both even more and wouldn’t actually do much to solve the problem.
But I’m at my wits’ end, Sars. I don’t know what else to try to get this across to her. I don’t know why she does it or what she gets out of it. She’s not domineering by nature, so I don’t think it’s that; she is very passive-aggressive, and I can see that this is a very passive-aggressive thing to do, but I still can’t quite work out what the point of it is. Although she is very young in a lot of her behaviour and does have a bit of the pulling-my-pigtails-on-the-playground-because-she-likes-me mentality, she’s not hurtful as a rule, and if she knows that something is sincerely upsetting me (as opposed to just bugging the shit out of me), she’ll give it a rest pretty quickly. Why she’s hung onto this for so long I have no idea, but I need to find some way of getting her to drop it, because it really is driving me to distraction.
She’s very sensitive to confrontation (no emotional display of any kind, good or bad, in her family), so I’d really like to find a way of getting this through to her that doesn’t involve my shrieking like a fishwife and throwing the phone out the window, but I’m starting to get to that point and I really don’t know how much more I can take. Please, Sars, help.
Thanks,
Put the phone down and keep your hands where I can see them
Dear Phone,
Oh, for God’s sake. If she says it’s okay, take her at her word and hang up. It’s a phone conversation about HER SHOPPING LIST — who cares? Even SHE doesn’t care, and if she just wants to hear your voice but you’re in the middle of something, she can call you back later, LIKE A GROWN-UP.
The way you “get this through to her” is to stop entertaining it. “I’m sorry, I’ve got something on the stove — talk to you later!” Click. End of story. If she wants to sulk because you have a frying pan full of hot food you need to concentrate on, maybe this isn’t the woman for you. Sorry, but this is ridiculous.
Hi Sarah,
I love your site, and read it faithfully — thanks for giving the opportunity to ask a question. It is probably silly compared to some other readers’ questions, but it is stressing me out nevertheless.
I am getting married next year. My issue is that I’m planning on having nine (yes, nine) bridesmaids. It is a large number, yes, but those are the girls I’d like to be with me. In fact, I wish I could have more. It isn’t that I’m this insanely popular person or anything — it’s just that I’ve been lucky enough to have and maintain friendships with quite a few great people. Anyway, do you think that having nine bridesmaids will turn our wedding into a huge circus (FYI: we are having a large wedding)? Do you think it will look dumb and/or make people laugh at me? I’ve definitely had my share of “you are having HOW many people?” comments, although people are supportive when I explain the situation. I realize that I could assign some of the girls to other tasks, but there isn’t a clear-cut hierarchy, and no one I really want to disclude. Do you think this will ruin the look of the wedding? My fiance and parents are being really supportive, by the way, saying that the wedding will be great, no matter what happens. I’d love to hear your take on this.
Chock full of bridesmaids
Dear Chock,
Yes, it will turn your wedding into something of a circus. Yes, it will look like you think you’re royalty or something; yes, people will snicker, and that’s a lot of ducats to spend on bridesmaids’ dresses.
But — so what. It’s your wedding, they’re your friends, your future husband and your family are down with it — that’s what counts. So the processional lasts half an hour — at least it’s memorable, right? Go ahead and do what you want.
Dear Sars,
I’ve got another one of those “I’m new to the work force; what do I do!?” questions for you. I’m a newly minted college graduate and I’m starting to go on interviews looking for my “Year Off Between Now And Grad School” job. What’s good job interview etiquette? The only jobs I’ve had have been chill beyond belief (goofy bookstore, teaching assistant, laid back offices). Those were the jobs where having a natural hair color meant I was more conservative than most. How do I dress for a “real” job interview? Are tights/stockings/nylons necessary in 90-degree weather? Should I invest in a suit? How early is too early to show up?
Thanks so much,
Bare-Legged and Confused
Dear Bare,
The etiquette — or, rather, the relative level of decorum — depends on the job, really. I would say that erring on the side of overly formal/polite/overdressed is always your best bet, at least in interviews.
A suit? Sure — if only because it takes the guesswork out of things. Get a nice dark taupe/black suit in an all-season weight (J. Crew will have something nice and not too pricey), a few different blouses, and that should do it. I would wear nylons if you can stand it, but if you can’t, closed-toe shoes are a must. Your hair should be styled and neat; no dangling jewelry or super-long/super-bright nailpolish; half the perfume you usually use, double the deodorant. Just keep it simple and neat.
And it’s almost never too early to show up. An hour is overeager, but it’s better than rushing in on the dot, all flustered. Aim to arrive fifteen minutes early so you can compose yourself and freshen up if necessary.
The most important thing, I think, is to wear an outfit you feel relatively comfortable and at ease in — one that’s not wearing you, in other words — and then, once you get into the interview, forget the outfit and focus on making a good impression with your c.v. and your personality. Everyone gets a ladder in her hose now and then, but once you sit down with HR, forget that and concentrate on why you’re really there. You’ll be fine.
[7/2/04]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette rando workplace
