Hey Sars,

I met a guy a few months ago and we fell hard and fast for one another.Things have been terrific except for one thing.He doesn’t think I’m sexy.He loves me, thinks I’m attractive, smart, fun, et cetera but we’ve definitely been having bedroom problems.We talk about it regularly and he thinks that he doesn’t respond to me sexually because I don’t think of myself as a sexual being, or something.

I understand his point — for years and years self-esteem issues definitely drove me to work focus more on my intellectual and professional sides, and I either neglected or deliberately hid my more sexual nature.I dress very casually (although I do get dressed up when the occasion warrants), I socialize a lot with friends but I’ve never been one to go out on the town for the purpose of picking up guys, and I get uncomfortable when strangers flirt with me.I understand why I do all these things, but I don’t really know how to change.

I know that sexy is all about attitude and my boyfriend insists that there’s no particular way that he wants me to dress or act, but these vague reassurances don’t really help me figure out how to be sexy.I try to project confidence in public, I stand up straight, I’m not particularly shy or awkward in normal conversations, so I can’t really figure out what kind of unsexy vibes I’m giving off.

Any help would be much appreciated.

Unsexy

Dear Un,

You’re unsexy to him.That doesn’t mean you’re unsexy generally; it means that he’s not attracted to you sexually for whatever reason, and he chose to make that your fault by telling you you don’t “think of yourself as a sexual being.”I mean, maybe he’s right — and the fact that you didn’t call him on that obnoxiously precious phrasing indicates that perhaps you do still have some self-esteem issues — but it doesn’t mean it’syour responsibility.It means you’re sexually incompatible, and should end your romantic relationship.

“But –“No.If you want to change, you should change for yourself, not because you’re trying to guess what will turn a guy on who isn’t into you that way.You already have regular discussions of your problems in the bedroom when it’s only been a few months; he has no specific suggestions as to what you should do differently, but the real problem here is that, if he did, you would probably implement them, not because they feel natural to you but because he told you to.This is a Svengali, not a boyfriend.Break up with him, and see a therapist to talk about your sexual side, either why you’re not in touch with it or why you would let another person define it for you.

This isn’t working, and that won’t change no matter what you do with your hair.

Sars,

I’ve found myself in a strange situation and I have no idea what to do.

First, some background:I have a (summer) job.As a result, I have a boss.Let’s call her “Emily.”Emily was once married, but got divorced when she discovered that her husband was sleeping with her best friend.

Emily is now over that whole thing, mostly, and in a relationship with Ed.Ed is awesome, always fun to be around, can always say the right thing, and so on.

Then there is Sarah.Emily gives lessons in a sport, and Sarah is one of her clients.A client that is only 17. She doesn’t often act like 17, though.She’s fairly responsible and extremely attractive but has never really been interested in boys.However, she does tend to carry a torch for older men.

And when I was attempting to get Sarah’s phone to STOP MAKING NOISE ALREADY, I discovered text messages from Ed on her phone.Text messages discussing their relationship, and how he doesn’t think it is just about the sex, though he really does love the sex. And it was great to see her last night, but he wishes he could have kissed her.And he loves the way she looks when she wakes up in his arms in the morning.In short, Sarah and Ed are having an affair.

Do I tell Emily?Do I attempt to talk to Sarah and/or Ed?Do I do nothing and pretend that this never, ever happened?Do I talk to the assistant boss?(Realize that since we all work 6-7 days a week, and long hours each day, we all know each other pretty well.And we’re all pretty much good friends, or else we’d want to kill each other more often.)

Since my only “evidence” exists on a phone that is not mine, I feel that I have no ground to stand on if I attempt to bring this to the light.I’ve known Emily since I was little, and love and respect her like crazy.She doesn’t carry grudges, she doesn’t take her anger out on you, she just deals with life the best she can.

I did realize that you can look at your text messages and see when you have sent/received messages, and I also just found out that Emily is the adult on Sarah’s online account for her cell phone…so Emily could easily go in and see that Ed and Sarah are sending each other a lot of text messages at strange times.Times that he was probably supposed to be in a meeting or at work.

To make things even MORE confusing, Ed is also divorced, and has three kids from that marriage.One is old enough to be out on her own, but the other two are only in middle school and Ed just won a custody battle for his son, who asked to move and live with his dad and Emily.

I have no idea who started the affair.Sarah is one of those people who tends to go along with what people want from her, because she wants to make everyone happy.Of course, she also tends to fall for older men.But…in fall-outs between Emily and her clients in the past, Sarah has always expressed great respect for Emily and I’m sorry, but you can-NOT respect someone AND sleep with their man.

Advise me, wise Sars.I’ve got to deal with all these people for the rest of the summer.

Didn’t want to know, didn’t mean to know

Dear Know,

I’m a big fan of staying out of it, especially when it’s going on at work and has that much greater potential to blow up in your face, but Ed is not just cheating on Emily; he’s doing it with a minor, while at the same time expecting Emily to take responsibility for one of his children at home.I wouldn’t want to get mixed up in it either, but then, Emily is your friend, and she’s better off without Ed whether she knows it or not.

What to do?Well, you could keep your mouth shut, because Ed doesn’t seem too interested in covering his tracks and neither does Sarah (Emily can probably see not just the times texts were sent, but also the contents, if she’s on the account).If you found out by mistake that easily, eventually Emily’s going to, and you could credibly pretend you knew nothing about it, because why would you?Who would conclude that you’d seen Sarah’s text messages?(I do wonder myself how, if you were just trying to shut the phone off, you managed to read multiple text messages, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there at this point.)

Your second option is to tell Ed that you know what’s going on; you didn’t mean to know, but you do, and if Emily asks you directly, you’ll have no choice but to tell the truth, so he might want to put an end to this smarmy situation now before it really gets bad.Depending on the statutory laws in your state, what he’s doing may be illegal; if it is, that should be pointed out to him.Seventeen is old enough to make those decisions, I think, usually, but Sarah’s parents may not agree, and unless Ed wants to register as a sex offender, he needs to learn to get it up for gals his own age.

Your third option is to tell Emily exactly what you’ve told me and let the chips fall where they may.

I can’t tell you which option is best for you, but again, I think the extenuating circumstances in this situation — the fact that Sarah is 17; the fact that Ed’s son is coming to live with him and Emily — mean that Emily is better off knowing than not knowing.If this were me, I would give Ed a week to end things and come clean to Emily himself, otherwise she’s hearing it from me.A one-time slip-up when he’s had too much tequila, I wouldn’t think she needs to hear about, not from you. An ongoing romance with a high-school girl, when Emily’s making waffles for his kid?

I know you work with these people; I wouldn’t judge you if you just decided to pretend you didn’t see it.But if Emily’s more than a boss to you…it’ll save her a lot of heartache later if she dumps Ed now, is my point.Just make sure you’re certain of the facts before you say anything.

Hi Sars,

Jersey girl to Jersey girl, I really need your help. I’m confident the anonymity of the internet and your infinite wisdom are the answer to my problem.

I live with my boyfriend, who is fantastic. He is loving, successful, and fiercely loyal. He grew up in a small rural town and has known his closest friends since the playpen. The group is almost entirely made up of great guys who made me feel very welcome in a new city. There is one exception and that is the problem.

When I first met J., I liked him. We always had a good time. However, as I learned more about him, especially the facts that his sole source of income is selling drugs and he has a child that he does not support, I began to withdraw my membership from his fan club. Maybe I’m a bitch, but that is how I feel. I never really said anything to myboyfriend as I am a live-and-let-live sort of girl.

Things started to get worse about 6 months ago. To be blunt, J. stopped being any sort of friend to my boyfriend. It started with stupid things, like not showing up when we had plans or tickets to a game. Then he borrowed a large sum of money from my boyfriend which he has recently said he does not think he will ever be able to repay. He started a several fights at bars and baseball games, most times running away to leave my boyfriend and other friends to deal with the aftermath which was always either a brawl or the police. Finally, we asked him to watch our dog while we went away for the weekend. She was returned to us with her femur shattered and barely breathing. She requiredthousands of dollars of surgery and a long recovery. He still claims he does not know what happened.

This is obviously a problem, but I do not know how to fix it because it affect me indirectly. The only money I have had to shell out was for my dog’s surgery and the worst I have had to deal with is an angry or bruised boyfriend. I just feel so bad for him. He knows his friend is being awful to him, but he doesn’t know what to do. We don’t really discuss it that much but when it comes up he gets upset and just says J. was such a good friend for so long. I wish he was out of our lives but I don’t feel like I have the right to make that request. It also seems like this would require a big confrontation, which would cause problems in the group dynamic. We have been seeing him less and less, but it is still an issue and still weighing on me so much that I need some advice.

How do I talk to my boyfriend about this? What can I do?

B

Dear B,

You can really only control your own behavior; you can’t control J., and you can’t compel your boyfriend not to see him.But you can set boundaries for yourself, and you can let your boyfriend know what they are.As far as I’m concerned, what happened to your dog means J. goes on the permanent “you see me, you better cross the fuckin’ street” list, so tell your boyfriend, “Look, I know your friendship with J. has meant a lot to you, but between the dog, the unpaid loans, the fights he leaves you topunch your way out of, the drug-dealing, AND THE DOG, I’m done.I do not want him in this house.I do not want to socialize with him.Your relationship with him is for you to work out; my relationship with him is over, and this is not negotiable.”

J. doesn’t come over.If he’s at an event with the whole group, you’re not hanging out at his table and you’re probably going to leave pretty quickly.He’s never to be around your dog or anything else you value ever again, and he’s not getting any more money.These are reasonable standards to set as a member of the household; you’re not controlling or dictating the friendship between the two of them (such as it is), but when it comes to stuff that affects you or your joint finances, you will have to draw the line.

Your boyfriend may get upset; that’s okay.Stick to “I” statements and stress that this is about what you’re comfortable with, to wit: he takes that friendship away from you and keeps it there.I mean…shattered femur.Anyone returns Hobey to me in that shape, the friendship is not the thing what’s going to end, if you know what I mean.J. is a piece of shit.Your boyfriend does not have to act on that knowledge, but he does have to respect that you’re going to.

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