My brother’s fiancée is tearing my family apart and causing havoc with everyone she meets.

Let’s start at the very beginning. Seven years ago, my brother started his freshman year in college and met this girl, “Polly.” It was his first girlfriend ever, let alone his first serious relationship. The relationship lasted all through his college years, up until this point, with only one disruption. One summer, Polly decided to take a break from my brother and sleep with some guy she met in her hometown. When that guy dumped her, my brother took her back and they’ve been together ever since. My brother proposed this past December.

Polly’s never seemed very eager to get to know my family, being generally distant. My family is a very loving and giving family, especially my father who will welcome anyone with open arms and treat them like family. Since Polly has been in the picture, my family has tried to be as open as possible, inviting her to family functions, holiday visits, and has treated her to countless dinners. She was always welcome at our home, despite that my mother did not care for Polly. Ever since Polly has cheated on my brother, my mother has not forgiven her and has been quite cold to her.

My mother has her reasons for not liking Polly, all of which are valid. Polly has singlehandedly ruined my brother’s dream career by telling him to get a real job so he could support her, she has driven away my brother’s college friends with her incessant nagging, and is a compulsive liar and sneak. These facts have been masked to everyone, except my mother (a case of woman’s intuition, I think), until recently.

Enter the wedding plans. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding, and my mother had suggested that I sing at the wedding as well, considering I’m a musical theatre major, and have a very nice voice. Polly’s parents would take care of the reception, and my parents would pay for the church, flowers, and rehearsal dinner. My brother was asked to be the best man.

One weekend, Polly decided to have her bridesmaids come to where she lives and go on a dress hunt. My mother and grandmother went with us. The weekend was a fiasco, and she decided on a dress that’s quite plain and we’re not sure how it will look on any of us. The entire weekend, I didn’t give much of my opinion on the dresses she chose because I felt that it wasn’t any of my business which dress she chose, so I stayed quiet.

Over the next couple of months, I received emails from Polly and her bridesmaids about bridal showers and the dresses. I was asked to get my measurements to Polly by the 15th so she could order the dresses in the same dye lot, et cetera. I made a mental note and went on my way. My parents were coming to visit me on Easter weekend, which was the 17th-ish, so my mom asked my brother if Polly could wait until then because we were going to go to the store where she was going to order the dresses from. Around the 1st, I receive an email from Polly saying that if she doesn’t have my measurements by the 10TH, I will be on my own to order a dress. She goes on to say that I haven’t been showing any interest in the wedding and doesn’t know if I want to be in it or not. I sent her my measurements, with no message attached.

Sars, this is where it begins.

I told my mom about the email, and my mother takes it upon herself to reply to Polly in a civil manner, and through this, EVERY SINGLE THING that my mother hates about Polly and Polly hates about my mother and family comes out in a week-long email battle. Polly has said some extremely mean things about my family and my mother, and there is no taking back of what she said.

The basic jist is this: Polly blames us for trying to control her wedding. Polly calls us unsupportive and insensitive. Polly threatens to keep her children from my parents. Polly has made it quite clear that she wants no relationship with my family at all, and that this is HER day and we should have NO part in it.

We are no longer welcome in my brother’s house while she is there. My brother has resorted to only calling my parents while he is on his way home from work, and never calls while he is around Polly. He sneaks away at his lunch breaks while my parents are in town to dine with them.

The only time Polly has ever actually spoken to my family about this was last week when she called my mother and SCREAMED at her about the dress situation. Needless to say, my mother is infuriated.

But this time, it’s not just my mother. My entire family has realized what a heinous wench this woman can be. I have always taken pride in the love between my family. We have a strong bond and will support any decision made with an open heart and mind. But this situation has resorted us into an ultimatum that my brother must decide: it’s us or her.

We care for my brother very deeply, and it hurts us to see him in this position. But we have decided that we must try everything we can do to save him. He is making the biggest mistake of his life and we will not support it.

So that’s my predicament, Sars. My question is: Are we doing the right thing, forcing my brother to choose? Is there any advice I can give to my family to try and resolve this?

I need help, please.

Sincerely,
“Bridezilla” Doesn’t Even Begin To Explain It

I think the ultimatum is a mistake, for two reasons. First, it doesn’t give him any incentive to choose you, really; it just makes whatever shit Polly is pouring into his head about you guys seem like the truth. Second, he’s…already chosen. And he didn’t choose your family.

I mean, he must know what went down between Polly and your mother. He must know that Polly doesn’t want any of them there; he’s already having to “cheat on” her with your parents in secret. He’s an adult, and regardless of his relative inexperience — or perhaps “lack of perspective” is more accurate — he should be able to see this for what it is: a situation where he’s got to make a decision. And he’s made it. He’s decided to let Polly run him and isolate him from his family.

Ultimatums are tough. Once everyone’s of voting age, they’re not terribly effective and just cause resentments. With that said, I also think that pretending everything’s kosher with Polly and that you support his marriage to her is a mistake, so what you want to do is not make him choose between her and the family. Instead, you all choose, and tell him you’ve done so. Choose not to attend the wedding. Choose not to spend time around Polly. Make it clear that you love him, you want what’s best for him, you welcome hearing from him any time, and you wish him the best of luck — but she is done here. You will not have any contact with her. You’re sorry if that puts him in a difficult position, but there doesn’t seem to be any other choice.

It is possible that Polly is working a “the best defense is a good offense” strategy here, and that this is just a matter of snowballing insecurities that could be worked out with time — but she would have to be interested in making that happen, and your brother would have to facilitate it, probably, and if you’ll forgive me for saying so, your brother does not seem to be equipped with the sack necessary for that job. So, here you all are.

If you do give an ultimatum, don’t make him choose; make your choice as a family clear to him, and understand that it has consequences. Understand that, unfortunately, he has already chosen to tolerate Polly’s divisiveness, and that this situation may not resolve itself in your favor. Not that you shouldn’t do it; just understand what it might mean.

[7/20/06]

Share!