This might be the letter that makes you rethink the whole recommendation thing, but here it goes. I would like some help finding a good gynecologist. Specifically a gynecologist who does not make me feel like a shit bag for not wanting to squirt out babies.

Let me explain while keeping it as brief as possible.

When I moved to NYC six years ago I found a pretty cool doctor, but after six months she decided to focus on teaching and closed her practice. Since then I’ve gone through two doctors who were rude, dismissive, and condescending when I said that I was not interested in having children. The first worked out of the same clinic as my original doctor, and the second was on the recommendation of someone I know from work. I didn’t specify that I was looking for a doctor that would be friendly to women who do not want to have children, but in the 21st century in New York City, I didn’t think I had to. This last doctor I went to actually had the nerve to laugh at me when I said that I was thinking about getting a tubal.

I’ve had some chronic health problems that are not life-threatening, but could be exacerbated by a pregnancy. Add this to the fact that at the “ripe old age” of 37 I am in high-risk-pregnancy land. I am absolutely certain that I will never, ever, under any circumstances be willing to go through a pregnancy. I’ve talked it over with my husband, who has never had the slightest interest in reproducing, and he fully supports my decision. We talked about the possibility of him getting a vasectomy, but he is incredibly squeamish about “some dude taking a knife to [his] nuts.” Can’t say I blame him there. Also, it sounds weird, but I want this to be my thing and completely in my control.

I’ve tried to look online but the people only seem to rave about doctors who are known for treating infertility and delivering babies. I’ve exhausted the resources of my close friends and I don’t want to announce to acquaintances, “Hey, I want to be as barren as George Bush’s brain — can you help me out?” So I’m turning to you. I’m looking for a gynecologist in Manhattan — preferably Upper East Side or Midtown. I would prefer that they are skilled and experienced at performing laproscopic tubal ligations, but a good general gynecologist who can refer me to a qualified surgeon would be acceptable too. My insurance provider is United Healthcare. Male, female — I don’t care as long as they are competent, and courteous.

And as a side note: I have tons of respect for parents who work their asses off and raise some amazing kids — I just don’t want to be one of them.

Signed,
I’d like an order of GYN without the side of OB, thanks!

Okay, not to harangue you here, but your combative attitude may not be helping the situation. If you phrase your needs to the GYNs the way you’ve phrased them to me, it’s possible that they feel you’re too flip about the decision, and that’s why they react the way they do.

I’m not saying some GYNs don’t suck, or that GYNs whose practices are actually mostly OB aren’t sometimes a hassle; I can tell you from personal experience that they sometimes do and sometimes are. But it’s my understanding that these doctors pretty much have to do their due diligence in terms of making sure this major decision about your family’s future is not undertaken lightly — and if I’m the GYN, and the patient is using phrases like “squirting out babies,” I’m not necessarily going to be keen to get involved. You know? I mean, aren’t OB/GYNs the most often sued specialists?

This is just my impression, but I’d have to suggest right up front that you tone down the rhetoric and vow to be patient — primarily because you often do have to audition GYNs for a while until you find one you feel comfortable with, regardless of what you’re specifically looking for. Make appointments, go in, discuss your options, and if you’re not getting a good vibe, don’t go immediately to the defensive; just listen to what s/he has to say, and cross him/her off the list if it’s not the right situation for you.

My GYN’s practice is mostly OB, from what I’ve seen in the waiting room, but she’s very professional, and while I don’t love going there (obvi), she and her staff have been good to me; I’ll give you her name over email, if you’re interested.

In the meantime, go to United’s website and poke around; they should have more info about doctors in your preferred area. And New York recently ran a list of the best doctors in the area; Google that and see what that article has to say.

Readers: competent, pro GYNs in Manhattan. Please don’t submit the doctor’s name if you’ve only seen him/her in an OB capacity. Thanks.

I graduated from college two years ago and this summer I have my first intern at my job. She has been here a week and is very competent. I feel I’m doing a pretty good job as supervisor and since I was an intern at this same company I have a relatively good idea what NOT to do. I am trying to set up some lunches or something so my intern can meet people in the field, et cetera.

So, my question is this — what was a cool thing that someone’s supervisor did for/with them while they were an intern. In other words, how can I give her the best experience possible? I’m sure there is stuff I’m not thinking of!

Sincerely,
TCB in the LBC

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Dear TCB,

The thing I remember most about my internship, actually, is how much autonomy I had. I worked at a magazine, and my editors kindly looked the other way when I rolled in an hour late, hungover — because they’d given me a task list, and they didn’t care how I got it done or at what time as long as it got finished by deadline, which it always did. Basically, it was: “Here’s what we need. If you don’t know how to get from point A to point B on this, ask us; otherwise, do your best and we’ll see what you come up with.”

Now, whether this is just how they rolled or whether they sensed that I work better being “macro-managed,” I can’t say, but it was a perfect fit for me; I did scut, but I also got to write some stuff and really contribute, and they trusted me to do both and didn’t get all up on me.

But some people need more structure, or are interning in a place where they don’t have as good idea already of what they’re doing as I did (a college weekly is hardly the Times, but I had the basic gist).

Readers: What have your internship bosses or mentors done for you that you remember fondly? What shouldn’t they have done? What have you done in that capacity that seems to be effective? How can internship supervisors figure out what working style fits best for everyone?

Please try to keep these responses pithy so that I have room for them all. Thanks!

[7/21/06]

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