The Vine: July 22, 2005
Dear Sars,
Okay, this is probably one of those letters where I already know what I need to do, I just need to hear someone else — not my husband — say it. So. I have this job, this soul-sucking job that I am — and I quote — “way too smart for” (my manager has said this to me a few times). I stay in it because they allow me to be flexible on my hours and I need a daytime job for things like benefits and a steady paycheck while I work in theater at night, pay off my student loan, and help support my husband, who is an actor and therefore cannot depend on a steady paycheck. All well and good. Yeah, I’d rather not be working, but the Lotto doesn’t seem to be cooperating.
What isn’t good is that this job is killing any will to work I have. It’s already killed my self-esteem, because I can’t seem to do well in such an easy job. My performance is suffering because try as I might, I can’t make myself focus on my tasks and so I drop the ball. Often. Clearly, I need a new job, right? Well, that’s where my problem is. I’m not psyched about admin work, but anything else is either not going to pay enough or not be flexible enough to allow me to work at night. I’ve been looking and applying, but nothing has gotten me excited.
Enter The Job. It was at a major theater, it was something I could do and do well, and it paid decently. I didn’t quite have formal training in the area, but I did have on-the-job training as part of running my own theater company. I thought I would at least be able to get in front of the hiring manager and charm them all to heck. Not so much. I got a form rejection letter, and frankly, I’m crushed. I know it’s foolish to pin all of my hopes on one thing, but dammit, I really would have been great at this. To add to the indignity, this is the fourth rejection in a week’s time. At least with the other three I got to a phone interview.
So, part of me just wants to curl up in a ball. The other part knows that this is not good, and is still trying to convince my sluggish self to keep applying. My heart’s not in it, though, and I feel like everything’s futile. If I don’t want to be working a day job, then why shouldn’t I just continue in this soul-sucking job that doesn’t demand that much? Why should I put myself out there? And why the hell didn’t they even call me?
Also, is there anything I can do to prod The Job into taking a second look, and maybe even a phone interview? Without being all stalkery-like?
Thanks,
I Know I Should Go, But Man, I’m Tired
Dear Tired,
I…don’t think I know what I’m being asked here. Do you want permission to sulk? Because…granted, I guess. Not getting something you wanted is tough; often it’s good to take a couple of days to seethe and pout before moving on to the next thing.
But I’m getting the feeling from this letter that you aren’t all that used to not getting the somethings you want, and if you’re going to work in the arts, you’re going to need to toughen up — starting with your attitude towards your “soul-sucking” day job. The fact that you can’t focus and do your shit at work is…killing your self-esteem? You do get that the job doesn’t exist in order to challenge and validate you, right? That there’s actual work that needs doing, and you’re expected to do it, because that’s what they pay you for?
Look, nobody’s “psyched about” admin work; we’d all rather be doing the things we love and think we’re good at, and getting paid for those exclusively. And it’s not easy to go into an office and grind it out for eight hours and then try to turn on the creative when you get home, because you have financial responsibilities and blah. I feel you, trust me. But I’m getting a sense of entitlement here, which, I can’t tell you that that’s why you didn’t get The Job, although if it came through in your application, I’m betting it didn’t help.
You need to sit down and make a list or an outline of your goals — what you really want to be doing, how you can get there, what sacrifices will have be made (by the household, not just you) for that to happen. And then you will have to decide whether it’s worth it, and you will have to make some tough choices about where you work, whether you want to just take a straight 9-to-5 job for a year to pay down some debt, and so on. And you will have to prepare yourself for obstacles along the way — that people will not “get” you, that things will take longer than you’d thought. You don’t have to love it, but it is what it is, so commit to a plan and get going. Thinking you’re “better than this” is not a plan.
A form letter is a pretty clear statement. Do not follow up with The Job; you didn’t get it. Examine why that might be, look for something else, and move on. Again, I understand that it’s demoralizing, but pouting will not change the basic nature of having to work for a living. Making a command decision, now, to suck it up will actually make these rejections and setbacks a lot easier in the future.
My boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend, as of Sunday) is mired in some sort of depression with which I am wholly unfamiliar. I dealt with depression when I was younger, the angsty teenage kind, which a bit of self-mutilation thrown in, and that is the sort I can relate to most. I feel that I understand the motivations for that — low self-esteem, anxiety problems, social disorders, et cetera.
He, on the other hand, is not suicidal, nor does he inflict any sort of injury upon himself; he doesn’t drink too much, or do drugs, or any obviously self-destructive things. He is incredibly lethargic and inconsistent in his moods and desires (i.e. rapidly goes from wanting to be around people to wanting to hole himself up in his apartment, gets incredibly sad for no apparent reason); in fact he says he doesn’t consistently want anything. For instance — for various reasons in addition to his depression, he has been an undergraduate in college for six years. He won’t go to class though he is intelligent. He puts off filling out financial aid forms so he can’t pay for it. He acts irresponsibly, I guess, in these instances, but he isn’t irresponsible in general; he has had a steady job for three years and he works quite hard there.
We dated all of last semester, and I had known about his depression for most of that time. Prior to his explaining it to me, I never would have guessed — he is quite social but there are periods when he drops off the radar, and he is always amiable and fun at work and social gatherings. He explained to me that he has a difficult time telling people when he doesn’t want to do things, when he would rather be alone. He feels obligated by his relationships with people to make appearances and be entertaining and fun, even when he doesn’t want to. I suppose I can understand that to some extent, but not with close friends — I have never felt compelled to act any way but what I am feeling around close friends.
We had been dating fairly seriously, spending quite a lot of time together, and it was becoming apparent that things were getting worse with his depression — he was withdrawing, and I encouraged him to take whatever time he needed and that I wasn’t going anywhere, I was patient and helpful to whatever extent I could be. That said, I also tried not to do too many things for him. It would have been very easy for me to have arranged his schedule for him and to have helped him with his homework and tell him to go to class and generally facilitate him getting things done, but I didn’t want to become a crutch — he needs to deal with it himself. And he knows that.
At any rate, he has decided that he needs a lot more time to himself to deal with all this stuff — he broke up with me, and had similar talks with his close friends as well — telling them that he needed more time to himself, and not to feel obligated to do anything ever. I am really worried that he is going to withdraw into himself entirely, since he is not taking classes this semester (he won’t take $600 for tuition from anyone, and doesn’t have the money himself), might get a different job where none of his friends work because it pays more, and plans on spending a lot of his time alone.
He’s basically told all of us that he will call us when he is feeling social, otherwise — let him be. He doesn’t want to see a psychiatrist, and to some extent I don’t blame him — it is very difficult to find a good one who doesn’t rely entirely upon blind medication. He feels that this problem is a personal weakness that he needs to find a way to overcome. But this is a recurring thing, happening for the last five years or so.
So the questions. How do I shelve my romantic feelings for this kid and give him what he needs? He means a lot to me, and I want him to feel better, but I have no frame of reference for this kind of problem. Is this sort of depression common? Any recommendations for DIY treatment? And how do I stop being sad about getting dumped…? I can’t be upset with him, I can’t hate myself for it, I can’t try to win him back — “I enjoy myself too much when I am with you” just doesn’t allow space for moving on for me. Though maybe he’s right — we were both laughing through tears during the amiable breakup. Any suggestions would be fantastic.
Other possibly pertinent info: his stepdad used to kick the crap out of him, his dad was an alcoholic and they don’t talk, his twin sister got married when she was 16 and ran off and had four kids, two of whom got carted off by DFACS, and his family is generally fucked.
Too Hot Out To Be Creative
Dear Creative,
Yes, this sort of depression is common. It’s…depression. He should see a professional, and if he doesn’t want to go to a psychiatrist, he can go to a Ph.D instead — and you can suggest as much during your next conversation with him.
Which should also be your last conversation with him, at least for a while.
I know you don’t want to bail out on someone who’s troubled, but…it’s not your responsibility, not anymore. You can express your concern, and let him know that if he’s ever really in trouble he can call you, but that should be the end of it. You need to let yourself get pushed away, because he’s depressed, he’s balking at getting treatment, it’s the reason you broke up, and: you broke up. He needs to deal with his shit — he needs to, you said it yourself. For you to hover around post-breakup and try to get him to do that…it’s not appropriate.
“But what if –” No. Obviously, if you think he’s going to harm himself, you need to step in somehow, but if he’s just not dealing, wash your hands of the situation for a set period of time and don’t have any contact with him. Who knows, maybe that consequence will motivate him to get some help — but that’s not why you should do it. You should do it because you got dumped, and this really isn’t your territory to patrol anymore. You need to not get caught up in this cycle of hoping he’ll turn it around and making excuses for him based on his depression and blah blah. It’s not effective; it’s not enjoyable.
You can’t really help him from this vantage point, and more importantly, you really shouldn’t try; it’s weird, and it won’t work. Wish him the best and cut him off for a few months.
Sars,
I recently found out that my father has cirrhosis of the liver (hemophilia begat Hep-C from a blood transfusion, which begat cirrhosis). My parents had previously been sort of hiding this from me (a favorite tactic of theirs when it comes to bad news), despite the fact that I am 33 years old. (I finally pieced things together after talking to my sister, who was fortunate enough to be in hearing range during a phone call with a doctor.)
Anyhow, I have been doing some research on becoming a living donor, which is possible when it comes to livers since they can be split up and subsequently regenerate themselves. The problem (aside from the fact that cirrhosis exists — sorry, lots of gallows humor for me these days): My dad seems incapable of considering this option. I can understand that it’s tough for him to imagine his daughter going under the knife, but the surgery, according to my research, is relatively safe (only 1 percent of donors die); his condition has reached a critical point that could make waiting for a cadaver liver a terminal decision; and I am 100 percent willing to do this.
I am heading out to visit next week (we live in different states) and I want to get him to take this idea seriously. I would at least like to get his blessing to undergo the necessary tests to determine if I am an eligible donor. My family has always struggled with communication, and I’m not sure how to successfully present my case in person (so far, I’ve made little headway over the phone). Alas, my dad won’t let me pay for dinner on his birthday, never mind share an organ. Is being pushy about this treading too much on his personal decisions about his health? Should I go ahead with the preliminary tests even if he is against it?
Thanks, Sars.
Wanna-be Liver Giver
Dear Liver,
I’m all for allowing people autonomy in medical decisions, but there’s a rather large difference between Daddy not letting his little girl pay for a meal and Daddy dying because he’s too stubborn to accept help. What I know about organ transplantation wouldn’t fill a thimble, but this isn’t about that, not really. It’s about telling your dad, look, I know you might feel that you’re supposed to take care of me, and that this might be hard for you emotionally to have the tables turned, but if my donating tissue is an option…your pride can’t be hurt if you’re dead, is the point.
He needs to hear that, and he may need to hear it without any sugarcoating — that if his reluctance to let his kid help him because she’s the kid is going to cost him his life, the whole family is going to be really pissed. Regardless, you might want to sit down as a family sans Dad and discuss how best to bring it up, and then send your mom into the breach to sort of gently point out that cirrhosis is not fucking around, and you might be a match, and how would he feel if you got the tests and whatnot. And if he balks, see above.
I do think you should go ahead and get the tests, but not before you talk to the rest of your family; a united front is probably best. You don’t want him to feel ganged up on, of course, but you should have some support in this thing too, and feel like there’s a plan generally. So, see what your mom and sister think and go from there, but don’t not bring it up. It’s a very difficult situation, emotionally, on all sides, but do what needs doing now and sort it out later.
[7/22/05]
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam workplace
