Basically, my family has gone nuts. My mom has been married to my stepfather for twenty years and has two children with him — an 18-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old son. There has been a lot of tension in the marriage for quite a while, and honestly, I’m surprised they’ve stayed together this long.

So my mom finally dropped the bomb a few weeks ago and announced she was leaving him. There were a few emotional moments and several tearful late-night phone calls from my sister, but things have calmed down a bit, and I thought we might be able to get through this with a minimum of drama.

Then about a week ago while my mom and I were out shopping, she told me she already has a new boyfriend. He is a guy she knew in high school, but he lives in a different part of the country and they’ve been communicating via email. She also told me that she was planning a trip to go visit him. She told everyone else in the family she was traveling for work; I am the only one who knows the true intentions of the trip. She even casually mentioned that she is considering moving there to be with with him.

Now, I have no problems with my mom living her life. I don’t agree with some of her decisions, but they aren’t my decisions to make. The real problem is how this seems to be affecting my brother. I’ve known for a few months that he’s been doing the typical teenage rebellion stuff — he skipped a day or two of school, minor experimenting with pot. I did some of the same things in high school, and he was still keeping up with his grades and activities, so I didn’t think too much of it. Since my mom made her announcement, things have taken a turn for the worse. He gets high every day before school, if he even goes at all. He’s quit trying in all of his classes. He’s an exceptionally talented singer and was involved with several vocal groups and musicals, but he’s blown most of them off. He leaves for school in the morning and doesn’t come home until late at night. Mom has also become a total flake — she forgot my husband’s birthday; she promised me she would call and keep in touch with me while she was on her trip and didn’t.

I really feel like Mom isn’t making my brother enough of a priority. It would be different if we were all grown and on our own, but he’s still a kid. He really needs parental guidence right now, and he needs some stability, and he’s not getting it. I’ve tried to talk to him about it a little bit, and I even offered to let him stay with me for a while, but I haven’t really been able to reach him.

So my question is, how do I a) express my concern for my brother in a non-confrontational way, and not look hypocritical in the process, and b) tell my mom that I feel she needs to re-adjust her priorities and pay more attention to my brother’s emotional well-being? Should I say anything at all? Part of me wants to totally wash my hands of the whole mess with my mom and her new man and all that, but my brother and I have always been pretty close, and his situation is really bothering me. He is still her responsibility for three more years, and I want her to be a MOM. Is that so wrong?

Conflicted

It’s not wrong, but there’s only so much you can do. Your brother and your mother both have to make their own decisions, and interfering won’t help.

Keep trying to talk to your brother. Point out as gently as possible that he doesn’t seem happy — he’s bagging activities he used to enjoy, he’s kind of acting out, and it worries you. The idea here isn’t to nag him; he’s not going to respond to that, most likely. It’s to let him know that somebody is paying attention and giving a shit. That’s the best thing you can do for him — let him know that you care and that if he needs you, he can and should say so. Ideally, he’ll snap out of it before he does too much damage to his GPA, but when it comes down to it, that’s his lookout.

As far as your mother goes, you might try mentioning to her that your bro seems a little lost, and wonder aloud rather pointedly if she’s talked to him or really taken a look at how he spends his days. You don’t have to bring up the new man or any of that situation specifically; focus the conversation on your brother. Bring him to her attention. (And tangential to that…where’s your stepfather in all of this? Because he should take an interest also.)

You might consider enlisting your sister in the effort too. Don’t get all behind-their-backs about it; just tell her about your concerns, and ask her to keep you in the loop about your brother and how your mother is dealing with him.

Everything will settle down eventually. In the meantime, let your brother know you care about him, and let everyone else in the family know that, too.

[7/23/02]

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