Hi Sarah,

In recent weeks I discovered both Mighty Big TV and Tomato Nation, and, boy, has my productivity at work suffered as a result. Anyway, after perusing the archives of The Vine and nodding my head in agreement with the better portion of your advice, I’ve decided to give you a shot at my problem.

Like you, I live in New York City. I graduated from school last year and I’ve worked a well paying corporate type job for nine months or so. Soon that will end as I retreat back into academia, attending graduate school at NYU beginning next fall. I’m also looking to relocate in the next couple of months from Brooklyn to Manhattan.

My girlfriend of two years just graduated from college this month. She is also moving to NYC and will be attending a teachers college for the next couple of years. She doesn’t have many friends moving to the city and currently has no plans for a living situation — and she is getting a little desperate.

So here’s my problem: There are a ton of pragmatic and romantic reasons for moving in with my girlfriend, yet I’ve got misgivings. As students, we won’t be making much money, so the cheaper rent on a one-bedroom would be nice. We’re both looking for a place right now, so pooling our efforts would make sense. As an added wrinkle, she suffers from diabetes and is really uncomfortable living alone or with strangers. I don’t think she should live alone either. But, as I said, I’m not totally comfortable moving in together at this stage of our relationship.

We discussed my feelings on the subject at the beginning of her search for a roommate, when it seemed like she would probably find someone else to live with. I know that she was disappointed and that she was hoping we would live together. Now her search is getting desperate and she’s talking about living alone, which I don’t like. But since I’ve said I won’t move in with her, I don’t know what I can say.

I’m wavering on my initial stand against moving in together. All of the pragmatic reasons seem pretty overwhelming at this point. But I still have not shaken my initial reaction that I’m not totally ready. Then again, maybe I just have cold feet and I’m making a too big a deal about the whole thing. Will I ever be totally ready? Who knows?

I’m woozy with indecision. Thanks for any advice you can give me, and thanks for all of the wasted man-hours I’ve spent at your sites. Keep up the good work.

Yours,
Confused In Brooklyn

Okay, so you’re faced with a situation where the “pro” side of your list is a page long, but the one “con,” a vague feeling of uneasiness, outweighs everything on the other side. Been there.

You have to get honest with yourself. Why don’t you feel ready? No, no, “I just don’t” won’t cut it. Why not? Not sure you love her enough to make a go of it in close quarters? Afraid that the two of you might split up, and that living together will exacerbate any emotional messiness you’d run into later? Don’t like people touching your stuff, no matter how much you dig seeing those people naked? Think she’ll take it as a sign that you want to get married, when you don’t want to think about that shit now? Or maybe d) all of the above?

All completely valid reasons for that “I just…don’t know” feeling. Really. But don’t get ahead of yourself here. The lease isn’t written in stone. Your relationship isn’t written in stone. Your feelings aren’t written in stone. No, it might not work out, but that hasn’t happened yet, and if it does, you’ll deal with it — because you’ll have to deal with it.

I mean, if you really don’t want to do it, don’t do it, because if the two of you go into a living arrangement with you all reluctant and your girlfriend feeling like she pressured you, it’s going to create a lot of problems, and fast. But before you decide, sit with the idea for a couple of days. Think about why you don’t want to do it; don’t let your mind flinch away from the reasons, because if they’re more significant than how the bathmat gets hung up, you’ll have to face them at some point anyway.

Hey, I’m writing to you because I love your site and you know a lot about things…so okay…me and my mom have always had a real rocky relationship. We’ve hardly ever gotten along…EVER. But things really took a turn for the worse this past fall.

We had a huge blow-up, and I left to stay with my dad for awhile, but it was only supposed to be temporary, because me and my mom thought a little time apart was the best solution. Well, when I left, she had this boyfriend jerk she was seeing, but they weren’t really that serious. Fast-forward a couple months…they’ve moved into together and are in the process of building a house, and he is dictating everything. My mom has always been a real strong person, but now I don’t even know her…she acts like some servant to this pig. He never does anything…ever…and my mom serves him hand and foot…she buys him gifts constantly, and he never gets her anything, not even for her birthday…she doesn’t just get him little cheap shirts and stuff either, she spends almost 600 dollars on his ass for every freaking holiday and she gets us nothing. It’s disgusting to watch. But that’s not the worst part.

I have a big family, three brothers and four sisters, and we’ve all always been fiercely loyal but not friends. So there is always arguing and bickering and fighting at my house, which I think is understandable with a family of that size…well, now ALL fighting and disagreements are forbidden and never to be had in front of precious Tim (the jerk boyfriend). And Tim is the biggest baby I have ever seen. I still do not live there, but I was down there this weekend, and Tim has just bought a brand new computer and will not let anyone use it…my mom was on vaction with Tim and only allowed the little kids to go…and she’s making my sister leave the house and get a job because she just graduated. She won’t let her stay there while she goes to college, even though her college is only 15 minutes away. She is practically forcing all of us older kids out of the house so she can have her perfect family with the four younger kids. It’s not fair at all. And the sad thing is, I desperately want to move back, but my mom won’t let me, because she’s afraid that I will piss off Lover Boy, because I think he’s the biggest shithead to ever live and I’ve told her this…but…grr…I don’t know. I hate where I’m living now, I hate my stupid school…and I miss everything…there is probably no way out of this situation unless I go against everything I know, eat crow, and apologize to my mom and watch this gross pig use her. I don’t know what to do…any advice you have I would really appreciate.

Angry

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Dear Angry,

Okay, well, I hate to say it, because it sucks and it’s going to cause you pain, but — you know, you have to hear it.

Your mother has made her choice, and she has not chosen you. She has chosen Tim. I don’t think it’s right, mind you, but you have to see that and accept it, or you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to get back into her good graces and failing over and over again.

I know it’s not fair. I know it’s painful. I know you feel lonely, and miserable, and like you must have done something wrong because your mother is sweeping you out like a drunk at four in the morning. But it’s not you — it’s your mother. Your mother is, for lack of a better word, a shitheel, and you need to start making plans for your own life that don’t include relying on her for support or encouragement.

Again, I’m sorry to have to put it so baldly, but that’s the way it is. Turn to your friends. Build relationships with your siblings. Go to a social worker or counselor and work through your feelings. Get a new apartment; transfer to another school; do what you have to do for yourself. But don’t sit around waiting for your mother to come to her senses, because you deserve better, and you’ll have to make “better” happen under your own steam.

We can’t choose our parents, but we can choose how we deal with them. Save yourself. Step away from her.

[7/24/01]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   the fam