The Vine: July 24, 2002
Dear Sars,
I have been thinking about writing for quite some time and am not sure I am doing the right thing, but I am kind of stuck on someone and it is hard to figure out why.
I dated someone for about two and a half years. We broke up five months ago. During the time that we haven’t been together, I have gotten my life in order. I took care of some problems that I had personally, problems that were affecting the relationship. When I first met this man, even before I met him, I felt like we had something extraordinarily special. I felt like he was going to be a soul mate. (Sometimes I just know about some things; however, usually not about people.) Anyway, the relationship was tough at times — we had a long-distance relationship with a gap that he didn’t want to close (I offered to move), he is in the military and had to be away overseas for awhile, and we met through mutual friends who just had an extremely messy break-up and we both let ourselves get caught up in it. A lot of external stuff as well as the regular relationship stuff. At times it felt like we were having a relationship at sea in very rough water.
However, I always knew what he would do and wouldn’t do. I knew how things would turn out. I just thought that we would get back together after we broke up. He is an extremely intelligent man. He is strong and he has common sense and best of all he is funny as all hell. I felt pretty with him and attractive and smart. I liked it. I always pictured that we would break up; I just pictured that we would get back together. We broke up because of fighting. We used to get into the stupidest of fights. The worst part was that I knew how to communicate with him; I just couldn’t do it at times. He couldn’t either. We both knew how to talk to one another, we were just afraid to let the other one in. To trust them. He had some terrible things happen, and so did I. The break-up made me confront some problems that I hadn’t been confronting for quite some time, including a depression that I have had since I was ten (I am twenty-nine now). I used to treat it off and on, and while we were dating, I wasn’t treating it. Now I am commited to treatment and getting well. I relied on him to make my depression better. He did at first, love does that for you. But when those “in-love” feelings wore down and weren’t strong enough to keep me going, I fell hard into another depression.
In my defense, he didn’t take well to any sort of situation that could be perceived to be “bad.” He couldn’t take any sort of criticism and any hint of unhappiness that came from me he would totally overreact to. So that made me worse, because I was making him worse, and there you have it. Until finally we were fighting over everything. I was trying to control him to make him feel better, so he could then feel like he was making me better. He was trying to control me so that I was better and so he could feel better. We were so afraid of losing each other, I think, that we lost each other. The beginning was magical, the middle was a growing experience, and should I guess that the end already happened and that I should move on with my life?
Regards,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
You already broke up. The end has come and gone, seems to me. But you have to give yourself some room to deal with that. It’s only five months down the road; you won’t feel good about the decision every day. If you feel bad and lonely, let yourself feel bad and lonely. It’s part of getting over it.
I know it’s hard to understand and accept, when everything looks great on paper, that it doesn’t always work out right, but I do think you should move on. Regardless of the reasons — personality conflict, bad timing, whatever — this guy didn’t make you happy. You fought all the time; he didn’t want to make a deeper commitment. It’s upsetting and confusing, but eventually you’ll get past it.
To do that, though, you have to decide to do it. Accept that it’s over. Sit with it. Let it sink in. Focus on yourself and on feeling better, and start moving on. It’s the only way.
Dear Sars,
I want to move to New York City from southern California (to attend college, hopefully New York University). I have an older cousin in Brooklyn, and that helps…but to have multiple sources of advice is better, I think. Because, you know, I really am afraid. And uninformed. I’ve lived in south-Californian suburbs for most of my life, and I’m not equipped to handle the N.Y.C. environment. I’ve got a year to get my shit together. How do I prepare?
Sincerely,
N.Y.C. Virgin
Dear Virgin,
“Prepare”…for what, exactly? The incredible rudeness and violent crime that await you here in Gomorrah? I don’t mean to make light of your intimidation, but it just isn’t that scary here. The locals will happily give directions. Basic precautions will keep you perfectly safe. Manhattan is set out along a grid, mostly, and quite easy to navigate. And if you move here for college, you’ll have a fairly easy transition; NYU will provide you with housing for the first couple of years, and you’ll get an automatic peer group.
If it’s really got you worried, though, come out for a visit (or more than one) to learn the city a little and get your bearings. Spend a weekend with your cousin, or get one of your parents to come along. Buy a subway map. Walk around downtown. Drift around the city and get a sense of it.
But above all, take a bunch of deeeeep breaths and don’t get worked up unnecessarily. Millions of people over the years have moved here from far away and done just fine, and so will you. Come visit us and see.
Hi Sars.
Okay. I just got my first cat. And I think we’re dealing well with each other. She’s just as sweet as she can be, but we’re having a problem. Every morning, I go into the bathroom to take a shower and find the bathmat all scrunched up, because Seffie has taken a poo on it and then hidden it.
Can you shed some light on why she might be doing this? I don’t think she’s mad at me. She’s still stuck at “please don’t take me back to the pound” (I wouldn’t). And I scooped the poo out of the litter box…how much poo-scooping do I need to do? I mean, at first I thought she was barfing on the rug, but it might have been poo. I wasn’t going to send it to the lab for analysis or anything. But I’ve washed the rug, and then she pooed on the towel I left there while the rug was drying.
Why won’t this cat use a litter box? Could it be the food? It’s the cheap kind, and she’s been ripping some really nasty farts, in addition to the poo problem.
Thanks,
First-Time Cat Owner
Dear Owner,
I really don’t know why she’s doing it. Cats tend to pee and poo outside the litter box for one of two reasons — 1. they’re ill, or 2. they’re bitter about something.
Take Seffie to the vet for a complete check-up. Let the vet know about the problem. Make sure the cat is healthy. If that’s not the issue, it’s a behavioral problem, and it could stem from a number of things; maybe Seffie likes a very clean box, or maybe she’s marking the bathmat for some reason. But that’s easily solved…just stop leaving your bathmat on the floor unless you actually need to stand on it. Hang it up. She can’t poo on it if it’s not on the floor.
It’s probably not the food — that tends to manifest itself in terms of, er, output consistency, rather than in terms of where the cat is pooing. Still, that’s something you can ask the vet about, but in the meantime, keep the floor clear, scoop the box thoroughly as often as you can, and take Seffie in for a check-up. The vet can help you take it from there.
[7/24/02]
Tags: boys (and girls) cats NYC
