Several years ago, I worked a summer as an assistant manager in a deli. I made good friends with the girl who was the delivery driver. She and I hung out most of the summer, and we happened to go to the same college. We stayed friends for several years.

She and my husband were also friends, and when we were planning our wedding, she was one of my bridesmaids.

We’ve been friends for nearly eight years until a few months ago when she told me (there was no warning before this that anything was wrong) that she didn’t think it was worth her time to remain friends anymore. She cited a few specific instances in which I had done things she had not agreed with and left my house. To say the least, I was stunned.

What my problem is, because I had no clue this was coming at all, is that I can’t seem to relax around the rest of my friends. I am constantly wondering now, am I saying something wrong, have I done something wrong, what does this person really think of me? I’m driving my other friends nutso about it and one girl told me today that if I didn’t stop brooding about it she was going to either punch me, or punch the other girl, she couldn’t decide which.

How can I move on with my life, after one of my dearest friends dumped me for nothing I understand?

Seren Dipity

Sarah: You’ve lost a close friend; you should give yourself time to grieve and feel bitter and pick it over in your head. It’s natural for the end of a friendship to disrupt you emotionally, much the same way the end of a romantic relationship would.

As for your mounting paranoia regarding your other friends – well, frankly, I think the girl who “dumped” you handled the situation quite poorly. She didn’t give you any indication that you’d done anything wrong, and she didn’t allow you to defend yourself or to repair the damage she alleged you’d done. I don’t know what specific problem she had with you, but the break she made with you – and the way in which she made it – seems melodramatic and immature at best. In other words, stop gut-checking yourself with your other friends, and trust them enough to come to you if they think your friendship has run into trouble, to talk it over with you rationally, and to let you work on the issues they’ve raised before they write you off.

Mr. Stupidhead: I have to agree with Sarah on this one. I recently had a bit of a personality struggle with a close friend of mine, but instead of telling him to threck off completely, I sat him down and told him exactly what behavior of his I objected to. Since then, things have improved significantly.

You need to have enough faith in your other friends to believe that if they have any particular beef with your behavior, they will bring it to you in a constructive manner, as opposed to Getting All Up In Your Grill Piece and tearing what has been a great friendship to shreds. Otherwise, don’t get too bent out of shape. Judging from your ex-friends’ method of confrontation, it sounds like she had a few of her own issues to work out, on top of whatever conflicts she had with you.

[7/25/00]

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