Dear Sars,

I love The Vine. Your responses are consistently perceptive, on target and entertaining. I have yet to disagree with any advice you’ve given, so I feel rather strange writing in to add to a particular piece of advice, but I simply can’t stand the thought that someone might make the same weather-related mistakes I did when I moved east for college a few years back.

I think you gave great advice to N.Y.C. Virgin, but perhaps neglected one of the main sources of trepidation for west coasters contemplating a move east. I’m an L.A. native who has lived in New York and other urban points east. Back when I was a college-bound, sun-kissed So-Cal naïf, the one thing that really worried me was winter. Coming from a place where people avoid even a slight drizzle like the plague, I had no idea how to function in a rainstorm or, worse yet, a snowstorm. I knew nothing about winter coats, appropriate footwear, or black ice.

I’m older and wiser now and can share the wisdom earned by my weather-related suffering with my fellow Angelenos.

1) Layering is bunk. Buy three good coats, waist-length, three-quarter length, and full length. Vary according to outfit and severity of weather. Upon entering a building that has been heated to almost 70 degrees in the midst of winter, it is easier to remove and carry one large coat and a small scarf than it is to remove and carry a mid-weight coat, a sweater, a scarf and a hat.2) Mittens are useless. Good leather gloves are both functional and fashionable. As long as you are not against animal products, or the sort of person to lose things, lightly lined leather gloves are well worth the investment. Even though I have returned to my native California, I break out the gloves when the temperature dips below sixty degrees (brrr!). Friends, acquaintances, and strangers all find them impressively stylish and somewhat exotic.

3) Comfortable shoes with some traction on the sole are a necessity for those who cannot afford to be chauffeured everywhere.

4) Don’t eat snow unless you personally have watched it fall.

5) Watch out for black ice.

Bon voyage, N.Y.C. Virgin.

Been There, And I Still Miss It — Except In The Summer And Winter

Three coats? What, she’s an heiress now?

Weather advice is important for a Californian; the weather, and the range of the weather, are totally different here. Out-of-towners should expect wider extremes in temperature and more precipitation; winters get fairly cold and very dry. But I’ve lived in the NYC metro area my whole life, so let me correct a couple of things here.

1. Layering is only bunk if by “bunk” you mean “crucial.” It’s not just protection against the cold; indoor climate varies wildly depending on your apartment, the temperature setting in stores and at work/in class, et cetera, and sometimes even a light sweater over a t-shirt is too much (like when you go to a show). But you certainly don’t need three coats; one medium-weight jacket and a longer cloth coat should do it (and you can get by with just the coat), but you must have a hat and a scarf. The wind here gets brutal in February. You can store them in your coat sleeve when you’re not wearing them, but one day without them with wind chills in the single digits and you’ll wish you were dead.2. Mittens keep your hands warmer. Scientific fact. In a mitten, your fingers all hang out together and share heat. When I have to “dress up” with gloves instead of my trusty black mittens, my hands get way colder.

Right on with the other stuff, but I would say don’t eat the snow, ever, even if you saw it fall. The amount of atmospheric pollution it traveled through to get to your tongue? No. Go buy a Popsicle instead.

And you need comfortable shoes year-round here. That’s an absolute must. You’ll do a lot of walking and climbing stairs and standing in line.

Sars,

I’m not sure if I have a real question, or I just want to tell someone about this. First, the background: I’m extremely happily married; we can call my husband “Dave.” He’s my best friend, everything’s great, we’re looking forward to starting a family someday soon and growing old together. (I know, it’s cheesy, but it really is true.) We still flirt and play and he’s amazingly good to me. Although we don’t have any sort of open arrangement, we do absolutely acknowledge that just being married doesn’t mean you stop noticing or being attracted to other people. Generally, we’ll admit to having had crushes on people after the fact, both preferring not to know while the crush is still active (if that makes any sense). Naturally, if either of us ever felt like the crush had the potential to become more than a crush, at that point we’d tell.

So the problem (maybe) comes with an guy I’ve met due to a new job. Daniel and I have become really good friends, really fast, and I have an enormous crush on him. He’s engaged (they’re in different cities for the moment) and I am absolutely certain that nothing physical beyond a hug is ever going to happen. But we spend a lot of time together (we work together), sometimes in groups and sometimes alone, and I find myself doing stupid stuff like not erasing messages he leaves on the answering machine. Dave knows I’m good friends with Daniel; they’re friendly acquaintances as well. Dave doesn’t know I’ve got this giant crush on Daniel, and has said that he’s slightly jealous of the time I spend with Daniel, but not worried. This isn’t the first crush I’ve had since we were married, but it’s more intense, partly because of the amount of time I spend with Daniel. There are days when I spend more waking time with him than with Dave. Some of that time is requred for work; some of it is social and optional (Dave is always invited and often there for the second type).

Part of me thinks that I’m being an idiot, that this crush is no big deal and there’s no reason to not spend time with my friend. Plus, things with Dave have been extra good lately, maybe just because I’ve got the happy, confident new friend/crush buzz.

Part of me thinks that I’m being an idiot and should scale back the time I spend with Daniel until this crush goes away. Daniel’s a good friend, but my marriage is a million times more important to me. It’s not any sort of physical cheating I’m worried about. I’m just sometimes uneasy about getting so very goofy-feeling about another guy than my husband.

So, I’d like your opinion. Which kind of idiot am I being?

Having Fun, But Uneasy

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Dear Uneasy,

I understand the impulse to avoid making a big deal out of the crush; you’ve probably reasoned that, if you actively decide to cut back on your Daniel time, it will thereby turn the crush into A Big Thing or A Serious Problem, and you don’t want to do that, because you don’t think it’s warranted.

But the crush is making you uneasy. Something feels hinky to you. There’s nothing wrong with it, really, but on the other hand, there’s something not right about it too. Relationship crushes do that; it’s cognitive dissonance, because you have these feelings but you also know you’ll never do anything about them, and that split is hard to resolve emotionally.

I think you should consider paring back on Social Daniel for a while. Again, it’s not that it’s wrong to crush on him or that you’d do anything inappropriate; it’s that you don’t feel quite right about it, and if that’s the case, you should confine yourself to Work Daniel and not put yourself in a position to feel weird about things.

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Dear Sars,

I’ve been dating “Ryan” for a month now, and things have been going great. The main problem is his “little sister.” She’s not really his sister, but he’s been helping her dad take care of her for the past two years (she’s thirteen). He calls her his little sister, and loves her as such. Unfortunately, she, in a thirteen-year-old-girl way, loves him. She’s intensely jealous of me, because I have him in a way that she can’t. Compounding this is the fact that he and I have slept together. She was so angry that she went on her online journal and was ranting and raving about how I’m a slut, am ruining her life, and that since Ryan loves her, he can’t love me too.

I suppose my main question is, how do I deal with her? I would rather that she not hate me, you know?

Frustrated By His Friends

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Dear Frustrated,

Ouch. Okay, a couple of things to keep in mind here. First, she’s thirteen. Second, she sounds like she’s got some shit to work out, with her dad needing “help taking care of her” for whatever reason and so on. Don’t get me wrong; the online journal stunt is bratty and uncalled-for. But Thirteen Years Old is not a land governed by reasoned thinking and concern for others. Remember your own sojourn to that land and the tortures you endured there. I know she’s not making herself very sympathetic, but try to sympathize anyway. If you can’t bring yourself to sympathize, accept that she’s thirteen and don’t take it too seriously. It’s not really about you, in the end.

As far as actually dealing with her goes, keep it friendly and polite. It won’t work; do it anyway. You have nothing to gain from stooping to her level. Grit your teeth and keep telling yourself, “She’s thirteen and she’s got problems.”

You could ask Ryan for advice on how to cope with Little Sister’s jealousy — whether he’s noticed it, what he would suggest you do about it. Don’t ask him to pick a side, or to talk to Little Sister about her behavior (that won’t go over well at all, with either of them); just get his help addressing the problem.

But I think mostly you have to stay out of her way. Let her have Ryan Time, and don’t intrude on it. Smile and behave pleasantly when she’s around. Let the melodramatic journal screeching roll off your back (you have grounds to ask her to take it down, but that’s only going to aggravate the situation). Remember that she’s thirteen, and don’t let her get to you.

[7/25/02]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   friendships   NYC