The Vine: July 26, 2001
Okay, Sars, I don’t know is this will make the Vine, but I’m at a loss and being that this problem involves one of my best friends, I can’t exactly go to her for advice like I normally would.
Last year I broke up with a long-term boyfriend and in the interim went out a few times with a friend I met through my close girlfriend. Without getting into too much detail, physically we matched very well and fooled around more than once, but mentally I knew it would go nowhere because while being very cute, this guy had absolutely no opinions or passions (ironically, given his magnetism physically) about much of anything. In any case, I got back together with the ex for another seven-month stint before I decided it was time to end it once and for all. During this time, I had remained friends with the cute non-opinionated guy, as he and I were in what had become the same large group of friends.
Upon my second break-up, he and I toyed around with the idea of revisiting things. We were still attracted to one another, and as we were both single it seemed it might be at least a fun distraction. He decided that it would be a bad idea, however, now that the group was so tight; he was concerned it would screw up the dynamic. Regardless, he continued to talk about wanting to hook up with me and would go into some detail occasionally on what he would like to do. Unfortunately, I didn’t always discourage this; I just thought of it as hyper-flirting and reciprocated on more than one occasion.
Skip two months ahead and he and my best friend are hooking up. I am not handling this very well. At first my pride was hurt because it seemed he had managed to risk screwing up the group dynamic for her but not me. After a little while I really just started to feel weird, because while I don’t and never did want a relationship with this person, I’m still attracted to him, partly because of the sexual chemistry we had and I feel creeped out every time I think of him because it feels like I’m betraying my friend by associating the guy she’s dating with sex (ew! way to feel dirty!). While I’ve tried to explain all of this to her (the guy is aware of the situation too) and she’s been pretty understanding, I can’t yet get over the weirdness and have taken myself out of group situations with one excuse or another to avoid the two of them together.
I can’t keep doing this, and I can’t keep making my friend feel like she has to choose between him and me. I want them to date if that’s what they want, and I want them to be happy — I just want to get over the creepies I’m dealing with so the group can go back to the way it was, before either one starts to resent the hell out of me…unfortunately, I don’t know where to begin…any suggestions?
Wishing For Amnesia
Dear Wishing,
The guy in question told you that he didn’t want to screw up the “group friendship dynamic” to let you down easy. You know that, right? That it’s one of those things he would have worked around if he really wanted to start something with you? Just an excuse? Bullshit? Okay.
And you do understand that the situation isn’t anyone’s fault, right? That the timing is just bad? Because of your long-term relationship sputtering to a halt, and your friend wanting to date the guy, and all that stuff? That it’s just unfortunate circumstances?
And you do know that the guy isn’t the point here, right? It’s that your pride is hurt? That feel lonely and a little lost without a boyfriend, because it’s unfamiliar? That you don’t want him as much as you want him to want you?
Maybe you didn’t know all that stuff. Maybe you wouldn’t let yourself know all that stuff, because it made you flinch inside your head and feel all pathetic and high-school. Well, know it. It’s completely natural. We’ve all been there. This isn’t about the guy — fortunately, because he sounds like kind of a dink. It’s about you. Regardless, you’ll have to gut it out. Start spending time with them. Force yourself. Get inured to them. I know it’s awkward and icky, but you have to inoculate yourself against caring, and the only way is to hang out with them.
A friend of mine wrote a book once about formulas for success, and he had a slogan in there that went something like “smile until you feel it.” That’s what you have to do here. I understand how you feel, but just because you feel an emotion doesn’t mean you get to act on it. Just start grinning and wait for it to get better, because it will.
Dear Sars,
My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for almost seven of those years. For most of that time, he has had problems with addiction (mostly alcohol but sometimes pot and gambling, also). He has had three DWIs and currently has no driver’s license, so I get to take him everywhere. He has undergone counseling for the alcohol and attended AA meetings, but only because the courts have forced him. He goes through the motions and tells them what they want to hear until they pronounce him “rehabilitated,” and then the pattern of addiction starts again. It has gotten to the point where I know the pattern so well. For a few months he is remorseful for past behavior and tries to “make it up” to me; then he sees nothing wrong with going out and having a few beers, and eventually he is drinking heavily again. He is an asshole when he is drunk, telling me that I’m fat, a bad mother, accusing me of affairs, et cetera. The next day, of course, he is always sorry.
About six months ago, after a drunken episode, I decided that enough was enough. Life is too short to put up with this behavior. He must have sensed the change because he started to clean up his act again. He has come home drunk a few times since that time, but now I absolutely refuse to talk to him when he’s been drinking. I had thought about leaving several times before, but I had no place to go with our two small children. Now, I finally felt like I could do it on my own and started to look for apartments. He said that he knew that something was wrong and he wanted to work on our marriage. We agreed to go on vacation as a family and give it until September. Since that time, I flinch every time he touches me. I do not want to have sex with him and will only do so if he initiates it. Other than that we have been getting along fine, especially the last month.
Now that September is approaching, my husband goes back and forth between wanting to do this and wanting to do this because I think that it is a good idea. He has found an apartment, and we have both agreed that this will be a trial separation. Both of us have said that we have no interest in dating anyone else at this time. I don’t hate him, but I think that the drinking/pot/gambling took a definite toll on our marriage, to the point where I don’t know if I am in love with him anymore. I have lost respect for him because of his addictions, and I don’t know if that it is something that can be repaired. He is a great father and a good friend to me (when he’s sober), but I don’t know if I can stay in a marriage where I feel no sexual attraction to my husband; I don’t think it would be fair to either of us.
So, this is where you come in; I need an impartial opinion. Should I stay in a marriage, for the sake of our kids, where we get along fine and hope that the respect and sexual attraction returns? Or should I make a clean break and try to move on? Can someone earn your respect again after losing it?
Help me (September is coming soon!),
Formerly Co-Dependent
Dear Formerly,
Damn, that’s a tough one.
You have to tell your husband everything you just told me. Make it clear that you’re not saying it as a way to threaten him or scare him, but that all the yo-yo business with his addictions, and his treating you cruelly when he’s drunk, and feeling unstable in your home life as a result, have taken their toll on your feelings for him. You care for him, and you want him in your life as a father to your-all’s kids, but you don’t know if you can stay married to him anymore, because he’s exhausted your emotional resources.
Take the trial separation as just that — a trial. When he moves out, sit with his absence. Feel it. Absorb his not being around. See how it feels. Think about what you might do if you continued to not have him around.
And here’s the part where I go all Abby on you and suggest therapy. If you want to make a go of it with the marriage, look into marital counseling. If it’s not something you can afford, perhaps your local Al-Anon meeting leader can suggest low-cost alternatives — and you should get thee to Al-Anon pronto, because you need a support group of other people who have faced the same situation. I can only sympathize; they can empathize, and offer up their experiences, and that’s going to help you a lot more than I can.
But if it comes down to it and you just don’t love him anymore and you find yourself dreading his return, well, that’s that. You tried your best to hold the marriage together, but it didn’t work out. I don’t have a husband, or divorced parents, or kids, but it’s my impression that staying together for the sake of the kids isn’t something that really benefits them in the end, particularly if they see one parent drunk all the time and the other one tolerating emotional abuse. That’s not an example you want to set, I don’t think.
Again, I don’t have much experience in these situations. I don’t think you should beat yourself up for trying so hard to work things out in the past; you wanted things to turn around, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your self-esteem. But that’s the past. You have to evaluate the future. You have to look toward it confidently, knowing that you deserve better than an unrepentant lush who tears you down and treats you like a chauffeur, knowing that you can provide a safe and happy home for your children on your own if you have to, knowing that you will do the best you can and that that’s all any one of us can do.
If you want to leave him, trust your instincts and go. It’s scary, but it beats waiting around for him to fall off the wagon again. Your kids will thank you later. Best of luck to you.
[7/26/01]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships kids
