Dear Sarah,

I have this problem. I’m a 19-year-old girl living in Utah. Ordinarily, that wouldn’t strike anyone as being much of a problem, however, I’m not LDS (Mormon)…. *gasp*. I’m what one would call somewhat of a charismatic Christian, and my faith has always been important to me, as it should be. Again, aside from the societal “pressures” and occasional feelings of being in the vast minority here, such an issue shouldn’t be that big of a problem.

Enter boy. We’ll call him N. N and I met outside my apartment one evening and proceeded to stay up the entire night talking, before going out to breakfast in the morning. It continued like this off and on for a few weeks, and we finally became “a couple” a little over a month ago. When that happened, we saw each other every day for a month. My favorite part of the whole day was when I would get to see or talk to him. He’s unlike any guy I’ve ever known (aren’t they always?), and we make each other laugh, and well, you know what I’m trying to say. I fell for the guy.

The thing is, he’s a Mormon boy. A return missionary, with all intents of getting married in The Temple. He realized a few weeks into the relationship that he can’t marry me in The Temple, and that our romantic relationship was “basically a waste of time, since we can’t be together.” So at that time he “forced himself to stop having feelings for me” and saw us as just being good ol’ “friends with benefits.”

I, however, never STOPPED having feelings for him, in fact they just got more intense. So, I told him we had to stop messing around, because it was messing with my heart. He wants to just be friends, because he likes being with me. My problem is that I want to be his friend because I love being with him, but moreover, I think I love him. And so, the more time I spend with him even just “as friends,” the more tortuous I see this situation becoming. He can’t understand this, though. Although he did say he would stop all contact with me, if it’s what I really want.

So…. what, do you think I should do??? I find myself holding on to this relationship, trying to think of ways to make it work, even though that won’t happen. I don’t want to let go, yet…I probably should. I hate this situation so much. Even he said that we would be perfect for each other, if it weren’t for the whole religion thing. It bugs! I wish I could be like him and just “turn my feelings off”…but I can’t. This sucks.

Sincerely,
The Wrong Girl

Ugh. I can sympathize with your plight, and of course you can’t just turn your feelings off, but N feels more strongly about his faith than he does about you, and you’ll have to learn to live with that somehow, even though it hurts.

Here’s what I would do. I would sit him down and tell him how you feel about him – the way you feel when you see him, how much fun you have with him, the fact that your heart is slowly disintegrating in your chest because his religion won’t allow the two of you to have a lasting relationship. This is what we call “going out in a blaze of glory,” because your next move is to tell him that, if the way you feel about him doesn’t sway him, you no longer want any contact with him, period, full stop: “Well, N, I’ve told you how I feel. If that’s not enough, then we’re done here.” Pick up your bag and go. I know it’s difficult, but you’ve got to do it; if you keep seeing him even on a friendship basis, you’ll just rip off the scab again and again. He’s a great friend, I’m sure, but not for you, not now, not when you have feelings for him.

Your speech may inspire him to give it another go, but don’t count on it. Tell him how you feel, know that you’ve given it your best shot, and cut him off. It’s the only way to get past it.

[7/27/00]

Share!