Okay, Sars, what would you do here?

Well over ten years ago, when I was finishing up college, I started seeing someone. We’ll call him “Dolt.” Dolt and I had a rocky relationship and an even rockier friendship. And I had some major self-esteem issues. For the most part I served as “filler” when the rest of his life got a bit sparse. But we hashed it out, and even after the romantic relationship totally fizzled out, the friendship managed to hang on.

We had a couple close calls, but have remained steady friends and have both, thankfully, grown up a lot. Dolt is now married, and I am in a long-term relationship. So all-in-all, things are good for both of us.

Here comes trouble. I work for a LARGE company that was hiring recently, and Dolt was looking to switch jobs. I figured that if he got hired here, I would never see him. Guess again. He’s two doors down. We work together. And I mean TOGETHER. Anyhow, this has recently brought up a lot of my old resentment, because sometimes I feel like he’s pulling the same old bullshit. Not that I think I should be a major priority in Dolt’s life. But here is an example: last year we both had a major milestone birthday, and his wife and sister threw him a party. I went, and brought a very nice gift and had a lovely time. My birthday was two weeks later, and NADA. NIENTE. Not even a card. I was hurt and shocked.

So I have confronted him with what he’s done, and he says that he knows he’s been a dick, he’ll work on it, blah blah blah. Since then, not a word. But he still acts all pal-y with me, and although I play along so as not to cause a scene at work, I want to punch him square in the head. I feel strongly that I should not have to chase him down and make him be my friend, but now I feel uncomfortable. I know, should have seen this coming a mile away. HELP before I get fired for sucker-punching a co-worker!

Signed, Violent In Cubeville

I’m unclear on what you’re asking me. Do you want to stay friends with him, or not? Do you want to know how to get him to show your friendship the proper respect, or how to get along with him as a co-worker when you’re fed up with him as a friend? I understand that he’s pissing you off, but beyond that, I’m confused. What do you want to happen here?

That said…I assume that you want him to make an effort as a friend, but he’s not doing that. You’ve spoken to him about it, and still nothing’s changed. Bottom line, he’s not your friend. He’s a guy you used to date, and now you work with him — that’s it. So, it seems like that’s how you should treat him — friendly, civil, work-acquaintance-level interaction, no more.

I mean, reread your letter. You’ve dubbed him “Dolt,” for God’s sake. Ask yourself why you’ve invested so much energy in him beyond what’s necessary to get along with him in the workplace. And then stop investing that energy.

First of all I just want to say that your site totally rocks! I am unemployed right now, so to pass the time I’ve been going back through the archives and the old Vines. I hope you can give me some advice because I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this.

I don’t want to bore you with a huge background, but the deal is, I’m in love with my best friend. We met about two years ago and we started hanging out, and we have a lot in common, and he’s just a super cool guy. We’re in the habit of spending long nights drinking and talking, and one of these nights got more intimate than usual, and even that was casual. We agreed that we’d still just be friends and things didn’t get weird. I don’t know if that instance escalated my feelings, or if it’s just a culmination of his incredible personality and how much we have in common, or is this just what my heart thinks is the next logical step after such close friendship? I don’t know how or when it happened but I know that I’m in love with him. He’s all I can think about and I’m pretty sure he just sees me as a friend. So my question is, do I tell him how I feel and risk it ruining the friendship, or do I just keep it to myself and be happy being his friend? Help!!

Thanks,
Confused Friend

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Dear Confused,

Well, here’s the thing. If he doesn’t feel the same way that you feel about him, the friendship as such is already ruined. Okay, not “ruined,” exactly, but…changed. Altered. More. Different.

So, that leaves you in a bind. If you tell him how you feel, you risk freaking him out, and you can’t unsay things that you’ve said. But if you don’t tell him, you have to carry it around by yourself — thinking about him, daydreaming about kissing him, studying his face when you think he’s not paying attention — and if he doesn’t feel the same way, it’s going to swamp the boat of your friendship in the end anyway.

If you don’t end up confessing yourself to him, I’d advise you to take a break from his company for a while to clear your head…but he’ll want to know why, and wonder why you’ve withdrawn, and you’ll have to lie, so you know what? You might as well tell him. Tell him exactly what you told me. Tell him that you hesitated to put it out there because you don’t want to lose him as a friend, but that you didn’t feel you had a choice, so you’re taking your shot, and if it misses, you’re out of there for a while because you can’t deal.

Back in college, I fell for a friend of mine, and almost by accident I wound up telling the guy that, and it literally staggered him, but he recovered after a minute or two and told me he thought I ruled, but he loved another girl, and he hated having to tell me that, and he’d respect however I wanted to deal with him from there on out — not see him, pretend nothing had been said, whatever. And I’ve always thought so highly of him for that compassionate, chill reaction.

So, tell him. At the very least, you’ll get it off your chest, and actually, he might surprise you — not by reciprocating your feelings, necessarily, but by how well he’ll handle it.

[7/27/01]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   workplace