I’m stuck. I’m so angry I can’t even make this coherent. It basically goes like this:

I’m 28, taking my first of three math classes needed to complete my degree. (Math: the Q to my Picard, the Moriarty to my Holmes…you get the picture.)

The teacher is really good at explaining how the math works, how to do the problems, how to do the homework. But I can’t hear him. The class is wildly loud. One woman (#1) will yell and scream at the teacher about a totally unrelated things, ignoring his “come see me after class” comments and will disrupt the class until he’s forced to ignore her and the class is stuck trying to hear over her. I should mention here that this isn’t a young kid, her son is two years my elder — so she has to at the very least be in her late forties. Then we have the young girl (#2) that complains she can’t do the work because of her job. And the gray-haired lady (#3) that yells during class that the teacher shouldn’t worry about teaching us enough to get into the next class, because she’s going to take that class more than once anyway. Basically, there are those three.

I spoke with the teacher, explained that I was having trouble concentrating and asked if there was something he could do. He agreed the class was too loud. He agreed. He didn’t do anything about it, but he agreed. Actually, he said something to the class, they didn’t listen and he never tried again.

So, I went directly to the squawkers. I basically said, in the nicest way possible, “You can’t complain about the teacher when you won’t be quiet so he can teach.” No luck. After a particularly bad day at work, I snapped. I told them in the simplest of ways that they’re affecting my ability to learn. Others agreed. I got the “you go girls” and the “you tell ’ems” along with the oh-no-you-didn’ts, but I stood my ground. And they agreed to tone it down.

Yesterday, Teach is teaching and #1 is yelling because she had a test-related anxiety attack prior to taking last week’s test and how dare he not stop the class and deal with it (I should add that we got our tests back at the beginning of class, but she was twenty minutes late and therefore hadn’t gotten hers). Teach tells her “come see me after class” with a lot more caring in his voice than I would have had in mine and goes on with the lesson. #1 keeps on heckling and she won’t shut up no matter how many “shhs” and “quiets” we spit in her direction. Meanwhile, #2’s complaining that she wants to leave early, interrupting Teach to ask if we can leave because the weather’s nice and #3’s complaining that he’s going too fast — the poor man’s not even teaching, he’s trying to shut up #1 and #2.

I’m done, Sars. I can’t switch classes, this is the only one that fits my schedule. I’ve talked to the teacher, the students, the loudmouths. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being professional, I’ve tried being snappy, funny, happy, tongue-in-cheek, joking, rude; you name it, I’ve tried it. So what do I do now? Go to the dean? And tell him what? Go to the counselling office? Admissions? The Head of the Math Department? It’s not that Teach isn’t teaching, it’s that Teach can’t control the class. And frankly, we’re all adults, he shouldn’t have to remind them to be quiet/considerate of others.

Signed,
Who knew college was just like kindergarten, only with out the colorful blocks and nap-time

Go to the teacher again and tell him that if he can’t get the others in the class under control by whatever means necessary, you’ll go over his head to the dean — you like him, and you think he’s good with the material, but these people are interfering with your ability to work and you can’t let it go on.

Give him one class to deal with it, which he won’t, and then file a complaint with whoever’s in charge of that particular teacher — the department head, the dean, the ombudsman, whoever is in a position either to compel the teacher to maintain order or to get the disruptive students removed. Name names. Get them quieted by official means. You’ve paid your tuition; you have a right to do this. Do it.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend, C, for a little over a year now, and I have I problem that I really don’t know how to handle. When we first met, C smoked a lot of pot. I personally don’t smoke pot at all, but I liked him, and he liked me, and it really didn’t matter all that much to me (it’s not like I was ever pressured to smoke with him, I’m 20 and he’s 23, it’s a little beyond the “everybody’s doing it” stage).

Fast forward to about February of thie year, and C decides he wants to quit smoking pot. It was a decision he totally came to on his own (i.e. I didn’t nag him to death about it) and I supported him 100 percent of the way.

But now, he drinks. Like a lot.

We always used to go out to bars with other couples socially, and we’ve both gotten pretty blitzed (like most drinkers, I’d assume), but now it’s getting way out of hand. I get to his house when I’m out of work, and he’s already on his third 22 oz and its barely even 9 PM. I’ve even gone to his house after work and within the ten minutes it took me to get there, he had passed out and I ended up standing outside for twenty minutes before I called a friend to come get me (this happened once).

I honestly don’t know what to do, because the worst part of the situation is how his whole personality changes when he’s drunk. He asks me repeatedly if I’m faithful and while this upset me at first, I’ve just begun to ignore him. He’s an affectionate boyfriend and he says he loves me, but he doesn’t discuss his emotions much, and it freaks me out when he’s drunk because all this bitterness seems to come out and I become the whipping post, whether it be the subject of my fidelity or if I changed the channel on him, he lets me hear it. The next day, however, he’s all “I’m sorry babe, I got a little too fucked up last night,” so I don’t really know what to make of it.

I don’t become a sobbing mess over his “episodes,” but I really feel that I need to talk to him about this. He’s totally replacing pot with alcohol and it’s dangerous and unhealthy to his health and also our relationship.

I guess I just need help with what to say. I have it all plotted out in my head, but when the time comes to discuss this with him, I get nervous and practically tiptoe around the subject. How would you approach this, Sars?

Sincerely,
A.

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Dear A.,

Don’t tiptoe. I know you want to be diplomatic and not upset him, but he drinks a lot, all the time, and it turns him into an asshole, and sugarcoating that isn’t going to help either of you.

Tell him you need to talk to him. Stress that he needs to be sober for the conversation and that you will take it as a total lack of respect for you if he isn’t — and if he isn’t sober when you turn up for this discussion, well, there you go, but if he is, just lay it out for him. He’s drunk every night, he’s leaving you out on his doorstep with nowhere to go while he’s passed out, he’s doing the whole “you cheating bitch/I’m sorry, baby” Ike Turner thing and puking his insecurities all over you when he’s drunk, and you want it to stop. And if it doesn’t stop, you will leave.

He’s self-medicating, and you should point that out and sympathize with whatever’s leading him to substitute booze/pot for dealing with his emotions; he needs to go talk to someone, I think, to find a more productive (and less hurtful to you) way of coping. But if it doesn’t stop, you should leave, and you shouldn’t make the threat more than once. He gets a grip on the substance abuse or you’re gone, period — because if you don’t leave, he’ll just keep acting like a shitheel and the alcohol is going to dictate the whole relationship, and believe me, it’s not worth it.

Gentle but firm. He gets it in hand or he loses you. It’s the only way.

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Hi Sars,

Can you tell me which case should be used when making a comparison? For example — “My brother is taller than me” or “My brother is taller than I.” My mom insists that it’s the latter, since it’s actually a shortening of the statement “My brother is taller than I am tall,” and I suspect that she’s right, but a small part of me is in doubt. I wanted to see where you weigh in on the subject. Thanks!

M

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Dear M,

Your mother is correct.

In writing, you should use the subjunctive pronoun — “I am taller than she,” “he runs faster than I” — but in speech it’s not bothersome to me to hear “taller than me.” Some grammarians think we should relax the rule, but it’s not relaxed yet, and Garner agrees with me. “Than I” is correct, and recommended for formal writing.

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Dear Sars,

Here’s my problem: I have this friend we’ll call Lisa. Lisa lives an incredibly privileged life (both of her parents are lawyers), she’s not particularly intelligent, but she’ll probably go to Duke or Yale because of family “connections.” Lisa is snobby, manipulative, self-important, bossy, overly materialistic, needy and bitchy. I’ve known her since middle school, during which time we had a new fight basically every week. Once we got to high school our group of friends expanded by a lot, so we had other people to fight with. Well, I’m about to finish my junior year and I don’t know how much more of Lisa I can take.

Every time I am around her I feel like I am going to explode with pent-up anger. We hardly ever speak to each other (we’re in different classes). The only reason we still acknowledge the existence of the other is because we have mutual friends. I’ve thought about just telling her that I dislike her and her personality, but it will be endlessly awkward when I’m with the group. Also, Lisa is really manipulative (see above) and she’ll turn the whole thing around, make it all my fault, and I’ll be the one apologizing (just like always). If I tell Lisa how I feel I’ll probably break up our whole group of friends in the process.

Another problem is that I know other people have problems with Lisa, and that if I get started telling her about her horrible treatment of the people around her, everyone will too, and then God knows what she’ll do. So, do I tell Lisa that she’s treated me like shit for six years and I’m finished with the façade of friendship, or do I hold up for one more year at which point I’ll graduate and be done with the whole thing?

Sincerely (and with a lot of respect),
Fuming

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Dear Fuming,

It’s comforting to think that the rest of life isn’t like high school, but in certain ways, it is — in that you’ll always have people you have to grit your teeth and tolerate for the sake of the group, or because you work with/for them, or whatever.

I don’t see an up side to ripping Lisa a new one at this point, so skip it — avoid her as much as you can, and try to remain calm by telling yourself that 1) she’s pitiable, really, and 2) you don’t want to sink to her level. Smile politely and feel superior. By this time next year you’ll be shut of her.

[7/27/04]

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