The Vine: July 28, 2004
Dear Sars,
About a year ago I broke up my two-and-a-half-year relationship. I was sick of dealing with serious relationship-type problems and the headaches they cause. We were fighting every time we saw each other, and the fact that he became really bitter for a full year after that didn’t help with my perspective on long-term relationships either. So my attitude after that was that I would date, have fun, but NO serious relationships would be had by me.
This went fairly well for many months. About three months ago I started a “friends with benefits” sort of deal with one of my recently-made friends. This has been and still is going pretty well. The problem is that from the beginning we both knew that it shouldn’t last long. I still don’t want a long-term relationship and he does. He agreed that this wouldn’t be one and that he would be fine with that, and that’s what we’ve been going on for the past couple of months. BUT it is heading for a breakdown and he’s going to get hurt. We both realize this too, and have discussed it on numerous occasions. But neither of us want to stop. It’s hard to just call it quits when it’s going well and there is no immediate problem.
I have thought about just committing to him and saying goodbye to the single life, but I don’t think I’m ready for that again. I still look at other boys and I still flirt and I don’t want to give that up.
My question is: Should I just let it go and see what happens (even though it’s eventually going to end horribly)? Should I commit (because I really do have a lot of fun with him and we get along great)? Should I break it off and risk losing one of the best friends I’ve made in college AND losing a fun friends with benefits relationship (the kind I’ve been looking for)? What are your thoughts?
Sincerely,
Yes? No? Maybe so?
Dear No,
I don’t think I really see why it has to end horribly…but you think it will, so that prophecy will therefore probably fulfill itself, and you should get out now.
You don’t want a commitment, and if you’d fallen in love with the guy, I’d give you different advice, but it doesn’t sound like you have, so I think you should end it. The two of you aren’t on the same page, and it’s all well and good to shrug, “Well, I warned him,” but he’s a friend of yours and he has feelings, and if you know he’s going to get hurt if you keep on, you do have at least some responsibility.
A little pain now will save you both a lot of pain later.
Dearest Sars,
I’m a huge fan of TN and think The Vine is really great too. I’m an English major and seeing what you’re doing has given me hope as to what I can do once I FINALLY get my degree. So thanks for that. Now onto my dilemma…
Been friends with “M” since high school. We’re both now 22. Right after high school M started exhibiting signs of manic depression. Emotional outbursts, crazed behavior in public, literally SCREAMING at people (namely me) for reasons unknown. M was then diagnosed with bipolar/manic depression. She talked about it with me a lot and tried to explain what goes on in her head when she’s being “bizarre.”
So, her life was under control for quite some time; she was taking medication and seeing a therapist. Things were good, until she discovered pot. The effects of getting high replaced her medication and therapy, and smoking became her new hobby. I know that a lot of people go through this, but it became her obsession. She literally refused and still refuses to go anywhere or do anything unless she’s high, and if she’s not, “it’s pointless.” She doesn’t come out and say that it’s because of the pot, but I don’t think she realizes that it’s so obvious. It’s been the same for the last three or four years.
So, being the social butterfly I am, I love going to bars and places of the like to meet people and experience things. M doesn’t like going to bars because she’s decided (on her own) that she isn’t bipolar, she just has social anxiety. “The doctor must have misdiagnosed her.” So, guess who gets to suffer M’s wrath when they choose to go out rather than drive around with her for three hours so she can smoke and talk about ALL the problems at work. Of course, it’s ME! So now, I get bitched at for “not being there for her” and also judged for “having to drink all day long.” I’m taking 15 credits of LITERATURE classes this semester, and there is no possible way that I could drink as much as her deluded mind thinks and still pass my classes. Also, she’s being totally hypocritical as she truly does smoke “all day long.” I’ve subtly pointed this out to her, but a thing I’ve found out about bipolars, or at least her case, is what they believe to be right cannot be changed and they do not seem to see anything from other people’s points of view. I’ve done a little research on this, so I hope I’m not just generalizing.
So now to my question. My mom thinks that M has changed a lot, obviously for the worse, and that I’ve “been there for her” for the past six or so years and it’s someone else’s turn to deal with the nuttiness and basic abuse since she’s not taking steps to get treatment and thinks nothing’s wrong. I love M, though she really has changed, and don’t want to stop being friends but it’s getting hard to deal with. I can’t stand this hypocrisy, and when she tries to “talk” to me about my drinking, it’s all fueled with anger and she basically yells at me, then we don’t speak for a few days then she calls and apologizes profusely.
So, I’m just wondering what you would do in my place. Maybe you’ve dealt with someone like this and have some insight as to how I can sanely deal. Or maybe you’ll just tell me to call it quits. I don’t know what to do and hope that your ever present wisdom can shine a little light…
The Pot Calling the Kettle Drunk
Dear Kettle,
Enough with the “subtly pointing out.” Tell M what you just told me — you love her and you want to stay friends, but you can’t take the hypocrisy and the rigidity, and until she learns to give you room to do your own thing and stops getting in your face over your social choices, you won’t deal with her.
If she wants to turn it around so that you seem unsupportive, well, she can feel free, but you have to give the friendship some boundaries. She’s not dealing with her condition, and you reward her for that by putting up with her bratty crap. Start hanging up on her when she rips on you for drinking; start bailing out of plans if she’s obviously high; start calling her on her shit. Stress that you care about her, but that she needs to act like more of a friend or you’ll need time off from her, possibly permanently. Mean it. Do it.
Sars, bright beacon of wisdom in the fog of the online world,
Is it acceptable, in terms of “netiquette” (sorry) or of general interpersonal relations, to email one’s friends and family and ask them to buy, use, and regularly update their antivirus software, for Pete’s sake? Despite well-researched and scrupulously implemented security precautions, I find myself having to untangle knotty virus/worm problems with annoying frequency. I suspect one of my less tech-savvy friends or family members is not using an antivirus program, as the virus emails I receive are usually those which send themselves to addresses from the infected computer’s address book. I have considered sending an email to my regular correspondents explaining the problem and asking them to help me out, but I don’t want to come off like a snippy know-it-all. Would I be within the bounds of propriety to send such an email? Is there a tone I can take that would steer clear of snippiness?
Many thanks,
Here, Eat This Cupcake While You Wait for Norton AutoUpdate to Run
Dear Cupcake,
I think you can send out a general email with an apologetic tone — you think you sent them a virus, you’re very sorry, and by the way, here’s a handful of links to antivirus software sites that they might like to use.
After you’ve done that, get a spam-killing program and install it. Routing your email through a spam-killer server lets you have a look at it before it gets onto your machine, and block any internet nasties.
Sars,
Your site article on grammar is a pleasure to read; the laughs almost outweigh the disgusted head-shakes that tend to come standard with the topic. Particularly the “plural apostrophes” business. I never for the life of me can understand how that one got started. (I see it often with collective last names — for example, “The Smith’s Had a Picnic.”)
Something you didn’t mention — the common you/your mistake. I’m not sure if that qualifies as a grammar mistake or a typo, but it’s one that gets my back up. Particularly when — as is often the case — I find it in a supposedly professional administrative letter. (“Please submit you reports by the end of the day.”) They think that kind of carelessness engenders respect? Same with the/they.
Finally, I wanted to ask your opinion on a certain issue. Do you believe that “grey” is a legitimate spelling of the word? I’ve seen it with both “e” and “a,” though the latter predominates, but friends have told me that “grey” is actually incorrect.
Thanks again for a great site and article,
L
Dear L,
“You” for “your” is a typo. I didn’t mention it, but I did tell people to proofread their work, which is what cuts down on mistakes like that.
The 11C lists “grey” as a variant of “gray.” “Grey” is not incorrect, and actually I prefer it; I feel like it looks more like what it means than “gray” does, for whatever reason.
Dear Sars,
A couple of weeks ago I got an invitation to the wedding of a girl I was friends with in high school. I’m really happy for her and I wish her the best (though I’m a little alarmed that we’re old enough to get married — 25 seems way too young), but I don’t really want to attend the ceremony. I don’t have anything against her or her fiancé — they’re both lovely (and cops, so they know how to hurt me if I say otherwise).
But the thing is, since we graduated high school eight years ago we’ve only spoken once or twice a year. We’re not really friends anymore as much as we are acquaintances. I feel like we’ve probably tried to stay in touch over the years because we felt like it was the proper thing to do (high school rocked or whatever), but I also feel that sometimes you have to assess friendships like this and just make the final break away from each other. I’m not saying I wouldn’t stop and talk to her on the street, but there has to be a point where you get honest with each other and face up to the fact that you don’t have a friendship. It’s no one’s fault — people just grow up and become different people.
My problem, though, is that I feel like an absolute bitch saying this to her right before her wedding. I’ve more or less decided that I’m not going to attend, but I don’t know what to tell her. What’s the etiquette in this situation? Do I tell her the truth and possibly hurt her feelings? Or do I tell her a half-truth? For example, the wedding is in Brisbane, Australia, and I just don’t have the money to get me there and allow me to stay overnight while I recover from alcohol poisoning. (By the way, I live in Australia so the flight isn’t, like, a 26-hour, two grand deal, but it’d still be a couple of hundred bucks.) Would it be better to tell her I just can’t cover the cost?
Also, I didn’t get a plus one on my invitation when I know other singles did. It’s a fair point that I haven’t had one of those boyfriend things for almost a decade (and that’s a WHOLE other letter), but I feel sort of hurt by that. (Okay, I know that’s petty and that it’s her decision about who and how many to invite, but I’m still slightly offended.)
Another thing complicating matters is that we have a high school reunion in November (yeah, I know — God help us), so I’ll see her then and this is all bound to come up. Also, another one of our friends from way back then is getting married interstate in March — I don’t want to attend her wedding either for the same reason. I can’t keep lying to these people — I’m usually a very honest person and lying about it seems so childish, but I just feel so awful about it. Should I just get over it? I’m so bad with all this social customs crap. Especially wedding social customs crap.
Hope you can help,
H
Dear H,
Why on earth would you choose the occasion of this woman’s wedding to inform her that she’s deluded about the friendship? She isn’t, probably; she just thought it would be nice to share her day with you, an old friend, but whatever the case, there’s no call for an overshare. Just check off the “regrets” box, write a little note in the response card with your sincere congratulations, and drop it. You aren’t required to explain. You can’t make it, end of story.
And when/if you see her at the reunion, you don’t have to explain then either. A simple “I couldn’t make it — but tell me all about it” deflects attention from you onto her, and spares feelings all around.
Lying in this case isn’t childish. It’s polite. Your apathy towards them isn’t information these women need; you can genuinely wish them well and continue not to have much contact with them if that’s what you want, but a come-to-Jesus discussion “assessing” the friendship is neither necessary nor helpful here.
[7/28/04]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
