The Vine: July 29, 2004
Oh, wise Sars!
I did it again. Like bargaining in prayer, I promise never to shoot my mouth off again if you tell what to do.
I work in a pharmacy in a fairly small town. I am the only single person working there currently (although, thanks to the quick and easy, no-fault divorce laws in this state, not for long) so some of my co-workers like to amuse themselves by trying to marry me off, although they would probably consider “off the market” just as good. Any time an even semi-good looking guy comes in they try to send me to help him, that sort of thing. I have told them repeatedly that I don’t appreciate that until one day I sort of blew up, telling them in effect that this is my job, not a dating service. By the way, my boss agreed with me, even though she did not object to one of the workers to date and eventually marry one of our customers.
To the point, of course one day, a guy comes in. My age, I find him attractive, and we seem to have some chemistry. I have heard through acquaintances (it is a small town after all) that he is going to ask me out. In all likelihood, when he does it will be at work. My dilemma is this, if I say yes, and things work out — all is good.
If I say yes, and things don’t work out, I have essentially made all my protestations obsolete and things will probably go back to the way they were after I had gotten them all trained (hee). If I say no, then I am potentially shooting myself in the foot so that I don’t have to face up to my own outburst.
Of course, I could just be stressing out for nothing, but please help.
I’m going out of my mind, but thanks for asking
Dear You’re Welcome,
If the guy does ask you out at work, tell him you’d rather have this discussion when you’re off the clock, because people talk. Your point still stands; you’d rather not have co-workers trying to set you up, because you’d rather handle that aspect of your life yourself, thanks.
Hi Sars,
I’ve managed to convince myself that this is only mildly embarrassing, but my husband and I frequently argue (not angrily, just in a friendly I’m-right-you’re-wrong sense) about grammar and word definitions. We’re both lawyers, which might help explain the dorkiness and the pigheadedness, and clearly need something more in our lives.
That being said, we usually figure out which one of us is correct — me, 100 percent of the time, of course — after taking a quick look at the dictionary; but we’re stumped on the proper usage of “cliche” versus “cliched.” I’ve always thought that “cliche” is a noun and “cliched” is an adjective. Thus, if I’m watching an action movie and see a scene in which a car chase knocks over a fruit stand, I could roll my eyes and say either “Ugh! That’s a cliche!” or “Terrible! That’s so cliched!” but not “Can’t they come up with something new? That’s so cliche!”
However, I’ve heard the “incorrect” version used much more frequently than the “correct” one. Last night, after hearing a line something like “It couldn’t be any more cliche” on Scrubs, we started talking about it. My husband thought that I was wrong and that Scrubs — Scrubs! — was right, and spouted some hoo-hah about trying to impose an English grammatical structure on a French word.
So we looked in Merriam Webster and on yourdictionary.com, which uses the American Heritage dictionary. American Heritage says I’m right — “cliche” is a noun, “cliched” is an adjective. However, the more trustworthy Merriam Webster says that while “cliched” is an adjective, and “cliche” is primarily a noun, it’s also used secondarily as an adjective. Huh. So, here are my questions: (1) are they both properly used as adjectives, and (2) if so, are they interchangeable, so that “That’s so cliche” and “That’s so cliched” are both okay?
Thanks,
Does This Mean That Must-See-TV Is Educational?
Dear Probably Not,
The 11C does allow “cliche” as an adjective, after listing the noun definitions, so it’s not incorrect — but it sounds wrong to me, and when I see it in a document, I change it to “cliched.” The language gives us a distinct adjectival form, so to my mind it’s better to use that and avoid confusion.
With that said, (1) yes, they’re both properly used as adjectives, strictly speaking, but (2) “That’s so cliched” is preferable.
Dear Sars,
I have a problem that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Hubby has been friends with “G” since they first started school (so 20-plus years). When hubby and I started going out, I became friends with G and his sister “J.” J and I became really close friends and have maintained that friendship even though I have since moved continents, and we see both G and J whenever we visit our old home town which is once a year.
Fast forward to six months ago when J emails me and tells me that G has been disowned by the family but doesn’t go into details. Of course I can’t leave it there so I phone and ask what happened. After much coaxing she tells me that the family found out from one of their nieces that G has been molesting her for as long as she can remember. Anyway that was a tough blow to deal with but I have been supportive of her and hubby since.
The dilemma arises now when we have two months before we go back to our home town. G doesn’t know we know, and J hasn’t told anyone else in our circle of friends back there. Hubby is naturally conflicted, as he doesn’t want to just take J’s word for this (she has been flaky in the past, but in my opinion why would someone lie about this kind of thing). Hubby wants to confront G, and I am 100 percent behind him on this, but should we tell our friends what we know, or is it up to J and her family to do this, and what if they don’t tell anyone else? If we do tell, do we tell people individually or in a group, and how much do we tell? This question may all become moot because if we do arrive back and G isn’t in therapy and avoiding all contact with kids like he has promised the family, well, then we’re going straight to the cops.
Let me know what you think.
Don’t really want to be the messenger
Dear Then Mind Your Own Beeswax,
Okay, since when is any of this your job? If G actually did what J is accusing him of, he’s a sicko, but outside of deciding how you want to handle your friendship with him, you don’t have a dog in this fight — it’s not up to you to go to the cops, and it’s not up to you to get up in the bell tower and play town crier. If you recall, you had to press J for details; why would you assume that she, or anyone else in the family, wants that dirty laundry aired out, or by you?
Keep your mouths firmly shut. “But –” No. It is inappropriate for you to share these details with anyone, or to insert yourself into the situation in any other way, unless J specifically asks for your help. If you and/or your husband want to confront G, okay, and if you want to support J, of course you should do that, but that does not include bruiting their business about. I mean, do you think the niece wants that out on the wire for everyone to know about? Or that her parents do?
You may wind up ending your friendship with G, but if people ask why, it’s perfectly within your rights to tell them you’d prefer not to discuss it, so, again — don’t discuss it. It’s not yours to discuss. If you don’t want to be the messenger, then just don’t. It’s exactly that simple. Not your family, not your place.
Dear Sars,
I was thrilled to read your essay on the ridiculousness of the anti-carb madness, and I was wondering if you might have some advice for me.
See, all my life I’ve been overweight: a combination of hormonal problems and sedentary lifestyle. While the hormonal problems won’t ever go away, I’m not so naive as to believe that my weight is entirely a result of them; fact is, I was an unhealthy kid, and an unhealthy teenager, and I had to work to become a healthier adult.
Which, actually, I’ve managed. It fluctuates a little, but I’m basically still the same weight, only I exercise now and eat a more balanced diet, and the last round of tests I had at the doctor’s office came back clear across the board — cholesterol ideal, blood sugar great…my doctor actually made a point of saying that she felt I was at lower risk of most “fat person” diseases than a lot of the “healthy weight” people she sees. So, you know, yay!
I’ve also grown into my fat, in a way. It’s not something I see as a stigma anymore, or something I should be sorry for. I eat well, and I take various dance classes, and I work a physically strenuous job…the way I see it is, if I have a healthy lifestyle, then who cares if I’m fat? I spent so much energy when I was younger convincing myself that I was worthless because of my weight, and THEN so much energy as I grew up convincing myself that my weight had nothing to do with my worth as a person, that I’ve (I’ll admit it) become a bit strange about it.
I’ll receive compliments from family and friends when I fluctuate into a slightly lower weight. I don’t really know how to react to them, so I just say, “Thank you,” but inside I’m a little annoyed. It’s not something I tried for, or am particularly proud of…it’s like someone complimenting me on breathing. It’s just something that happens, and I get bugged when people assume that losing a few pounds is a gigantic goal in my life. I try to slip something in there about how I haven’t really tried, and I’m just on a downswing, but (like you said) then they treat me like I’m bragging about it “being easy,” when I’m trying to do exactly the opposite. Whenever I see these people, they don’t ask about school, or my job, or how my life is otherwise going…it’s always, by way of greeting, “Have you lost weight? You look great!” (And don’t get me started on the fact that “being thinner” and “looking better” are now virtually synonymous. Blech.)
I know it’s a silly reaction — they don’t mean anything insulting by it, and I try to go by the spirit behind the compliment instead of the words. They think I look nice, then I’ll thank them for it. They’ve been taught by our weight-obsessed culture to believe, like everyone else, that a fat person has no higher purpose than to become a thin person. Only, that’s a notion that I’d like to do my part to dispel, except I don’t know where to start.
What do you think, Sars? Is there any way to gracefully accept the compliment while making the point that my weight isn’t something I’m bothered by? I don’t want to insult these people or throw their well-intentioned gestures back in their faces. There’s a time and place for activism, and perhaps the family Christmas party isn’t it, but I’m a proud fat girl and I want to share that with the people I love.
Do you think there’s a good way to handle these remarks? Should I just accept that it’s something I can’t change, and let it go? I’d really appreciate your input.
Signed,
Timid Activist
Dear Timid,
It’s generally better just to accept the compliment as it’s meant. Believe me, I hear you; when I was getting compliments for “looking great” when actually I looked kind of bony and weak, I really felt like rolling my eyes, but I tried to stick to a gracious “thank you.” It’s automatic for most people, the default compliment, and while the fact that it’s the default is lame, snapping “oh, so I suppose I looked like shit before, then?” is also lame.
So, accept the compliment at the time, and try to work in the activism at another time — if the subject of weight (or clothes sizing, or body issues) comes up, mention that you find it frustrating that people don’t understand that your health is more important to you than getting thin. Just make it part of the discussion, in a way that doesn’t put well-meaning people on the spot for societal attitudes they probably aren’t even aware they have.
And live by example. Continue on your proud fat girl path, and don’t bother explaining yourself to anyone if you don’t care to.
Dear Sars,
Here’s a question that’s perhaps more about editing than grammar, but is really about both. I am creating a website for a client who gives seminars on a particular subject (no, not that) to high school seniors. It’s a worthwhile presentation and in this day and age, I find it amazing that there isn’t a school requirement for the subject. I’m really proud that I’m associated with this project and want to do a great job.
My question arises from the fact that my client requests feedback from each student after the seminar. Most of the kids comply, so he has stacks of glowing reviews that he’d like on a testimonials page — no problem there. It’s just that they’re written so badly! I mean, everything is bad: penmanship, grammar, spelling, the very thought structure. These are one-paragraph jobbies — these kids can’t even write complete sentences, and they’ve graduated, for heaven’s sake! We’re not talking about inner-city here, we’re talking about small-town New England. It embarrasses me to read what they’ve written, and it makes me feel sorry that these kids, given their apparent lack of education, don’t have a very bright future.
So here’s the question: on the testimonials page, do I edit the reviews to make them readable, or do I keep them verbatim and pepper them with [sic] every other word (really, not kidding; they’re that bad). My client, as a product of one of these schools himself, doesn’t realize how awful they are. And he’s paying me to clean up his own writing, so I have his permission to make him look good in print and online. But what should I do about the kids’ stuff?
Dazed and Appalled
Dear Dazed,
Why don’t you just ask the client what he wants done? I’d leave any editorializing out of it; just say that the writing samples present certain editing issues, and you’d like to know how far he wants you to go in cleaning them up. Be specific about the problems with the writing, but not disdainful.
If he’s reluctant to give you guidance, clean up the spelling but leave everything else alone; post the stuff on the testimonials page; and follow up with another note to your client letting him know that the page is updated and you’d like him to have a look, to make sure there’s nothing else he wants you to do with it. Just keep him in the loop, and if he’s horrified by the writing, he can quickly tell you to tune it up so the kids don’t sound so dumb.
[7/29/04]
Tags: etiquette friendships grammar health and beauty workplace
