The Vine: July 30, 2002
Sars —
Generally your advice is spot-on, but your comments to Closet Case resemble pretty much what most non-gay people seem to think is the best advice for people who are still in the closet: reassurance and gentle coddling.
As someone who has gone through the coming-out process, I can say that there is really only one way of looking at it. Do you plan at some point to be “out” to the majority of people you know, or do you plan to keep it a secret and continue to feel lonely and scared for the rest of your life? Assuming that you do in fact plan to be out at some point, then is there a legitimate reason to wait? There are certainly some reasons — you are still financially dependent on your parents and fear they will cut you off or kick you out (an unlikely scenario for most people, and also this only suffices as a reason to wait to come out to your family — my friends knew for years before my family did), or you are still in high school and know that you would be harrassed based on how other gay students are treated? There are very few other cases where coming out would really make your life hell.
But since Closet Case is 20 and likely out of high school, and he didn’t mention any fears related to his parents, I somehow doubt that he is really in much danger if he comes out. Remember, coming out to your friends and loved ones does not make you automatically out to everyone in the world. (Obviously don’t go waving a pride flag around a group of guys swigging beer and holding shotguns.) Your friends may have already guessed that you’re gay, and the cliche is true: if you lose friends because you come out, then they weren’t real friends in the first place.
I just get a bit tired of hearing about people who are so afraid to come out, when really they are just delaying the inevitable and psyching themselves up for a dramatic event that will likely be a far smaller deal than they expect. It sounds like this is what Closet Case is doing. His best bet is just to speak to his closest friends somewhere he feels comfortable and give them a short “hey, this is no big deal and maybe you’ve already guessed this, but I’m gay,” and let some sort of conversation spring from there — don’t expect a big deal, because there likely won’t be one. As for acquaintances and such, either let them find out through the grapevine or just be honest if subjects regarding dating/who’s hot/et cetera. come up when talking to them. Really, no one cares about your sexuality nearly as much as you do.
As someone who’s been out for over five years, I can tell you I have never met a single person who has reacted negatively upon finding out I’m gay, and I have never been harassed because of it. In fact, not to pooh-pooh your support group suggestion, but the only time I have felt uncomfortable being out is in gay support groups, which (unfortunately for some) are often little more than meat markets.
Long story short, Closet Case needs tough love. Just suck it up and come out already!
Sincerely,
Out and Nobody Gives a Damn
Dear Out,
That’s another perfectly valid strategy…but you can see how I as a straight girl would hesitate to suggest it.
Maybe you don’t think Closet Case’s fears are grounded in anything, but he feels how he feels. While I agree with you that, in these situations, just ripping the Band-Aid off is usually best, he may not feel ready for that.
Sars —
Okay, so my story starts about ten years ago when I met a boy in school that I became very close with. We were never interested in each other (or at least didn’t verbalize that interest), though we spent a lot of time on the phone and just hanging out. Eventually he developed a crush on my then good friend, and I spent the next year trying to get her to give him a shot. All my hard work paid off, and they started dating and continued to date all through school and into after-college life.
During this time, the boy and I stopped being such good friends and his girlfriend and I got even closer. I would even call us best friends. About three years ago, I moved away from my hometown and all my friends to pursue my career. My friendship with the girl then began to deteriorate. I felt like every time I saw her she was just looking for some money or a favor. (I was doing much better financially than almost all of our friends.) So, I distanced myself from her. In the past few months, I probably spoke to her twice.
Okay, now (finally) my real problem. A few weeks ago, she called me to tell me she was leaving the boy. She also told me how she had been cheating on him for months. Now, this boy is one of the nicest, sweetest, most incredible boys I know, but I held that all in and listened. So, she left him. A few nights later, he called me up and asked if I wanted to get together and chat since I just recently got hurt by someone as well. So we did.
We hung out and got very, very drunk, and at some point in the night he began to tell me that he has pretty much been in love with me this ENTIRE TIME. He told me it was always me he wanted, not her. He told me that when we were young, he used to think we would end up together, and that he just ended up with her because he couldn’t have me. He talked about so many things I had done throughout the years that I didn’t even know he was aware of. He talked about all these amazing qualities he saw in me. I was so shocked.
I thought that once we were sober, he would clear this all up and we’d go back to the way it was. But he didn’t take any of it back. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, but told me he didn’t want to hold in his feelings anymore and thought we could have something wonderful together. Since then, we have talked and spent a lot of time together, but I have still not processed this.
And the girl is now calling me all the time. Her first call was to tell me that it made her uncomfortable that I hung out with him alone, and I told her I wouldn’t do it again. But I can’t help it. We have so much fun together. I don’t feel I owe her anything. Is that terrible? I just found it odd that she hasn’t been a friend for years, but now that it’s convenient, she wants to make me feel guilty by using this so-called friendship of ours. I don’t know how I feel about him, because I haven’t been able to get past all the drama that surrounds this to even consider it.
I guess my main question is: Do you think it is worth a try? Or do you think I will end up as the ex-friend to both because they are going to get back together (as they have in the past)? Also, do you think I owe it to her to tell her how he feels about me? She’s suddenly decided she wants him back.
Thanks for your help —
No Idea How I Feel
Dear No Idea,
No. Noooo no no no no. HELL no.
Let’s look at the facts here. Boy and Girl had a relationship for YEARS, they JUST broke up, and now you find out he’s carried a torch for you all that time, but 1) he never told you, 2) he hid in a relationship with someone else instead, for years, and 3) he’s finally telling you when? Yeah. After Girl left him.
The whole situation is a pathetic mess, and you MUST stay out of it. I do think you should think about your feelings for Boy objectively — whether you think it could work about between you, sure, but also how much you value his friendship and whether you want to jeopardize that, either by getting into it with him or by siding with Girl. I think you should think about whether Girl is really a friend worth keeping, too; after all, she’s dictating who you hang out with and when, which you only do because it prevents a confrontation, not because you care what she thinks.
So get those things straight in your head, for yourself, but for right now, DO NOT start dating Boy. Step back from the situation. Don’t get involved. He’s nowhere near ready and you don’t need that aggro.
Dear Sars,
Last year, before the school let out, one of my closest friends told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I told him that that it MIGHT be possible in the future, but just not now. We parted over the summer and before school started, he brought up the subject again and told me that things had changed; he didn’t like me anymore. I told him that things had changed for me too and that I didn’t think it could ever happen for us. We became good friends again, but right before Christmas, he told me that he liked me. Again. I was shocked. And pretty pissed off too. All this time I thought we were friends, he had this ulterior motive. He said that he lied to me because he wanted things to be normal again (things weren’t that weird, but whatever), but I was still pissed because if he had the nerve to lie to me, he should at least exert a little self-control.
I avoided him like the plague over the break, but not long after we returned to classes, he wrote me a letter proclaiming his feelings for me. Again. Only this time, he said he loved me. I was even more weirded out, but I forced myself to talk to him. I knew that he had to deal with a lot crap in his life lately and that he had been really miserable, but I found out that the entire situation with me really set him off. Apparently, I was the cause of all of his misery. I felt terrible. I really did.
We decided to cool it for a bit, but when we started to talk again, I was very hesitant, because I was afraid of how my words or actions might affect him. From talking to him, I got the impression that he had stopped dwelling on his feelings for me and was trying to move on, but I found out from my friends that he had been talking to them nonstop about me, to the point that they just found him incredibly annoying. I was freaked; my friends were too. He knows that I am uncomfortable around him, but he tries to act as if nothing is wrong. And it’s hard, because I keep hearing all the stuff that he says from my friends.
Very recently, I’ve become good friends with one of his friends. And now he’s jealous because we have the sort of relationship that he wants. He’s told the friend, but not me, and the friend and I have agreed not to do anything about it because obviously he’s not making an effort to move on with his life when I’ve made it abundantly clear that I don’t like him.
So what’s the problem? I feel terrible. About everything. I feel horrible about being the main cause of his misery. About dragging so many of my friends into this. About feeling uncomfortable around him. And for sort of not wanting to be friends anymore, because if we continue to be friends, I know he’ll never stop dwelling on his feelings for me and move on. He’s one of my dearest friends, and the last thing I want is to hurt him, but I can’t take it anymore. It’s way too much drama for me. Next year, we’re off to the same university and I’m afraid it’ll continue.
What should I do? Somehow I can’t seem to justify the way I feel because nothing can change the fact that I’ve hurt him.
Tired, guilt-ridden, freaked-out girl
Dear Tired,
All right, get something straight. HE is the main cause of his misery, not you. It’s not you that’s hurting him anymore; it’s him.
You don’t want to get together with him. He felt hurt by that at first, and that’s okay and natural, but now he’s decided NOT to get over it, and you can’t do anything about that. You’ve made it clear that there’s no hope. If he won’t get the message, that’s his own fault, not yours. You’ve done everything you can do to respect his feelings. Enough already.
Stop feeling guilty. Stop letting him control you. You don’t have to behave cruelly, but not pursuing a friendship because he can’t handle it? That’s ridiculous. Live your life. See and hang out with whomever you want to see and hang out with. Tell your friends you don’t want to hear about Whiny Boy’s nonstop love talk anymore, and suggest that they tell him the same thing. Start taking steps to shut it down.
He’s taking advantage of your guilt and freaked-out-edness. Don’t let him.
[7/30/02]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships
