The Vine: July 30, 2008
Hi Sars,
My younger sister (14) has recently started talking to her older cousin (18) online in many forms, including Gaia Online — a place mostly inhabited by thirteen-year-olds with broken Japanese, “emo,” “princess,” and “Thug ho” in their screen names. Harmless, if completely disturbing for preteens. I think if I spent more time with my sister she wouldn’t look for a big sister in our cousin but I’m really worried about our cousin.
I think she has low self-esteem because of her weight and that all her romantical relationships will suffer from her basing the success of them off the guy’s opinion of her. I know she can be strong and she’s very good at reaching her goals but she doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect for herself. She thought it was a compliment when a customer at the store she works at told her that her lips were “perfect for a blowjob.” She’s my little cousin, and with so many little sisters I have the habit of treating everyone younger than me as if it’s my responsibility to make sure they’re okay…which it kind of is more with her than, say, strangers. Nothing I say makes her stop her current, bad bad decision.
Her online “boyfriend” “buys” her “jewelry” on Gaia Online, including a “ring” she’s mentioned meaningfully…he said he was a Blood when he was seven, a heavy metal lead guitarist in a band she looked up ( not him) and that he had to join the Army for “school.” That’s it, “school.” No mention of what he wanted to study. Also he switched stories saying the Army was really the Marines…
Any third-grader who goes to a Memorial Day service knows the difference and of course I know an “internet boyfriend” should neeeever be taken seriously but I write all this because she plans on using her hard-earned money to visit him. I know she’s in for a terrible surprise.
She’s been working her current job since she was 15, to help her mom feed her brothers by the second man who crapped out on her mom (they are her half brothers) — she’s a wonderful soul and so loyal. I’m really concerned about some seeming arrested development issues though. She’s never dated anyone, because she doesn’t think they’ll get along with her mom. She says online is the only way she can have a boyfriend. Her family isn’t concerned and they call it innocent because she hasn’t met him and he hasn’t done anything yet and I realize most people don’t think an online boyfriend is a problem.
But she had more than one for a while and as I said she’s pretty emotionally fragile and I don’t think he’s eighteen, he sounds like a thirteen-year-old (she’s invited him to chat conversations frequently) and she could be endangering a minor…I know I sound paranoid but this really isn’t healthy for her. She needs to create real relationships with guys and stop distancing herself from a part of her development she’s pretty obviously fixated with.
It’s worth mentioning that he’s her Gaia Online Sugar Daddy, and that her profile/avatar thing looks much different than her and is covered with tattoos. There is a difference between an outlet and constantly avoiding reality. My sister and I are the only “real” people she has on her buddy lists beside her younger brothers.
I’ve told her about how bad online relationships can go and she tells me she has him under control. I don’t know what to do short of tying her to a chair in our attic and splashing her with holy water. It’s worth mentioning I have very limited experience dating.She may not be taking any of my driver’s-ed-warning-video-quality advice because I am not in a long-term relationship, but I think I know when enough is enough.
I tried scaring her, pleading…I think she likes the attention people give her about her “boyfriend” more than keeping it a secret, so I’ve stopped talking about him. I just want her to have an actual relationship; hell, if Judge Judy could land a real person my cousin can too.
Obnoxious Cousin
Dear Cuz,
Not sure what you’re asking me here.Do you want me to agree that this sounds like an embarrassing disaster waiting to happen?I do, but sometimes people have to have one of those in order to learn the signs for next time.
Or maybe you want me to tell you what to tell her in order to talk her out of this, but: see above.I think you’re right that she’s more into the drama and the attention than she is into the guy himself, so trying to convince her that she’s making a big mistake is only going to feed into that, and harden her resolve.The “it’s us against the world THEY JUST DON’T GET OUR HISTORIC LOVE” attitude is immature, but hardly uncommon, and again, your cousin has to learn for herself that contrarianism is not one of the building blocks of a lasting relationship.
No, she shouldn’t visit him — and maybe, if it looks like things are going that way and he really is thirteen, he’ll break things off before it comes to that.Or maybe she’ll get there and have a horrible, awkward time because they misled each other about everything except their mutual internet access.Hell, maybe it’ll even go okay; I doubt it, but you never know.
But she’s eighteen.She may not seem equipped to make her own decisions, but she’s not going to get to a place where she is if she’s not allowed to make a few stinkers and survive them.I know you mean well, and I know it’s inexplicable, given that every other Law & Order is about something like this, that she wouldn’t know better — but soon enough, she’s going to.Unless she’s getting involved in something you know is illegal, back off.Nothing else will work anyway.
Sars —
Here’s a situation I’m not entirely sure how to handle.I seem to have, well, kind of a stalker.Apparently as far as I can tell a harmless one, but he’s creeping me out.
Long story short — I was on a business trip within the last year, and in the type of situation where a person hands out business cards like they were two-for-one sandwich coupons and I was dressed up as a giant sandwich.So.One evening, I’m in the bar of the place where I was staying, mainly because it was the only place where I could watch TV and smoke at the same time, and adding the ability to have a beer didn’t hurt either, right? Anyway, the guy sitting next to me starts talking to me.I’m not too concerned about this either way, and pretty much went with the occasional polite response to the jabber.I just figured, some people like to talk a lot, right?
Then he made a clumsy pass at me in the elevator, which I declined politely.So, he is one of the people I’ve handed a business card to already, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.
Over the next couple of days I notice that he’s turning up wherever I am, which starts to freak me out a little, but I just figure the guy’s bored, maybe he’s got a little harmless crush, whatever.Then after I get home, he starts emailing me.(Because of course my work email is on my card.)It turns out he has come to the conclusion in his own head that there’s “something special” between us.We were “meant to meet.”Blah blah blah obsession-cakes, you know?I emailed him back that I did NOT feel the same way, that I’m in a relationship, that yes, I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice guy, but it’s not going to happen. We will not be lovers.I’m not even interested in friends.Seriously.
He keeps emailing me.Not every day or anything, but randomly every few weeks.I’ve been ignoring and deleting, on the basis that if he gets NO response at all, he will give up eventually.Then recently I got an email from him telling me happy birthday.I just deleted it, as usual.Then a few hours later it hits me — I never told this guy when my birthday was.I mean, why would I?So now I’m officially creeped out.
Anyway, my question is do I just continue with ignoring and deleting, or has this gone to the point where I need to respond and tell him in no uncertain terms to leave me the hell alone?(Oh, and apparently he wrote me a song.Eeesh.)
Thanks for your help!
Apparently Irresistible To Creepy Old Guys
Dear App,
Keep ignoring and deleting.The “no uncertain terms” contact teaches a guy like that one thing, and it’s not to leave you be — it’s that it takes X number of emails, or Y number of creepy references to your personal information, to get a response out of you.And that’s what he wants: a response.Negative attention counts.Don’t give it to him.
Do you use a social networking site?He most likely got your birthday from that; if so, go darkon that account for a while.Go through any online accounts you have — Facebook, Yahoo Groups, wish lists at retail sites — and make sure they don’t give any information beyond the bare minimum required to keep the account active.This is annoying to have to do, but it’s not forever; it’s just until he gets bored, which most of these guys do.
Save the emails he sends, just in case, but don’t block-sender him and don’t respond, ever; it just fans the flames.If he does escalate — makes noises about coming to your city, starts to sound threatening — then you can reassess, but sometimes, a guy of a certain age doesn’t get the difference between “woman socialized to be polite making small talk” and “genuine connection.”But it’s not up to you to teach him that difference, so keep the evidence and remain alert, but you’ve already told him every way you know how that you don’t want anything to do with him.The best way to back that up is to not have anything to do with him.At all.
Hi Sars,
I was just dumped.It’s not a huge deal; we hadn’t been dating for terribly long, and as we were getting know each other, I could see that there was one issue that might turn out to be a deal-breaker (it was).But I’m still disappointed, because I really did like this girl quite a bit.
In the course of the “I hope we can still be friends” pabulum, she essentially put the onus on me to make the first phone call “if and when you want to.Because I would really like that.”I realize that rolling out the “being friends” line is usually just a way of assuaging one’s guilt for having to be the bad guy, but it got me thinking.
If the dumper (Wilma) is at all serious about wanting to “be friends” with the dumped (Fred), shouldn’t the burden of reaching out fall on Wilma?That way, it’s up to Wilma to decide when she’s prepared to see Fred, knowing his feelings, and it’s up to Fred to decide whether or not he/she is ready to see Wilma in a non-romantic context?As it stands, Fred still wants to spend time with Wilma, but his reaching out is easily seen as trying to change her mind (doomed to failure), and puts him in the ego-bruising position of being dumped, and then potentially rejected AGAIN when he calls sometime later (probably too soon).
Sincerely,
I’m probably over-thinking this, aren’t I?
Dear Prob,
Well, it depends.It depends on the length of the relationship, it depends on whether the dump is one-sided or relatively mutual…there isn’t a hard-and-fast rule.
Hypothetically, if I’m Wilma, in the situation you describe, 1) I’m only rolling out the “let’s be friends, come that mythical ‘someday’ when we’re both good with it” line if I really mean it, but 2) I’m also putting the ball in Fred’s court with the understanding that the dumped may have some pride issues and as a result may not want to hear from me until he’s dealt with those.
But every situation is different.One break-up of mine came after three-odd years of dating and a decade of friendship, so the “let’s stay in touch” aspect wasn’t really discussed; it was kind of assumed, but then, that split was mutual.Another one, which really wasn’t, got complicated because the dumper kind of was motivated by wanting everything to Be Cool a lot sooner than it could be, and the dumped wasn’t ready — so in that case, the dumped should have controlled that conversation.
This is why I advocate taking a firm, no-contact break for ninety days, though; sometimes you can downshift straight to “friends,” but it’s really rare, and if everyone takes a few months to get their heads right about what happened and then still wants to hang out and have pints, well, fine.Two weeks later, there’s way too much second-guessing going on.
I mean, if it’s a “burden,” it shouldn’t happen at all, but if you’re trying to avoid mixed messages, the elapsed time is more pertinent than who makes the first move, I think.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette the fam
Regarding “Irresistible,” I found out a few years back that when you block someone from your yahoo account, it DOESN’T send the would-be stalker a message. It just takes the message and makes it disappear. Stalker-guy doesn’t know you never got it, you don’t know he ever sent it, it’s just gone. Which is…nice actually. It gives stalker-guy no kind of feedback whatsoever, but saves you the aggro of having to ignore messages. I’m sure other types of e-mail have different rules, but she might want to see if her work account has the same setup.
For Prob, I agree with Sars on this one. If I’m the one dumping and I say I want to be friends, it’s because I mean it (and it pisses me off when people say that only because it makes them sound better). And whether I’ve been dumped or am dumping, I generally assume that it’s the person who’s getting hurt who should decide when and whether to actualize staying in touch, so that they (who presumably have the more confused/hurt feelings) aren’t overwhelmed by the other person getting back in touch if they aren’t ready.
I also agree with the reduced contact for a while after the breakup. I’ve generally done this (either zero or, where zero isn’t practical, limited contact) and in one recent experience when I didn’t make that clear, I regretted it because it ended up with confusion and more hurt on both parts, I think.
Irresistable: Sars mentioned both continuing to ignore and delete, and saving the emails just in case. The security-and-abuse folks at my workplace say to _always_ save the emails, just in case. You want to be able to show a history of the problem if it worsens. Fwiw. :/
Irresistable,
You could add him to your “junk mail senders” list if you have a Microsoft Outlook setup, or like Llyzabeth said above check out your block-send deal depending on what you DO have.
Another option could be requesting a different e-mail prefix at work. I’ve done that a time or two; not because I had a pest, but because I was getting a metric buttload of spam.
For “Obnoxious Cousin”… personally, I would be more concerned that the individual on the other end of your cousin’s cyber relationship might be dangerous, and that she could come to real actual harm if they arrange to meet.
You don’t indicate how far away he is, but I hope that he doesn’t find a way to find her if he’s a threat.
From 7 years of internet dating, there was one rule I never EVER broke…always meet in a public place, and let people know where you are, and arrange to check in by cell.
I’m not dismissing the emotional aspect of your cousin’s relationship venue/potential lack of grasp on reality, but if they do arrange to meet, make sure she is protected.
For Irresistable…
I had a similar issue a few years ago. A guy I had only met once or twice (through mutual acquaintances) somehow decided I was his destiny. Fortunately, he decided this right after I had moved all the way across the country from him, but still…
He was calling me about fifteen times per day and sending constant emails. I never responded to any of those, and blocked the calls and emails after awhile, thinking he would get the message and give up, but then he started sending letters by registered mail. Increasingly weird letters, describing how he remembered me from a previous life and our future daughter had visited him in a dream and was trying to get us together, and he was going to come visit, etc. (These letters, I was saving, in case I should someday need them in court.)
Anyway, I was starting to get rather freaked out, so a friend of mine called another guy who was a man of some influence who knew creepy stalker guy, and that was the last I heard of it.
So, what I’m saying is, if you start to fear that he’ll never give up or will take the stalking to another level, maybe consider whether there is a third party who can get the message across.
To Irresistible: I was just in this exact same situation. Though Llyzabeth makes a good point re: the aggro of seeing the messages, if you do an auto-block, you destroy evidence. I handled this by writing filters in all my e-mail accounts. This way, I kept everything he sent but didn’t have to look at it.
This turned out to be a good tactic, because he escalated, and I pressed charges. As he was already on probation for assault, there was a mechanism in place to instate a no-contact order. It didn’t stop everything immediately, sadly. However, I rewrote my google filter to not only archive everything into a separate folder, but also to automatically forward a copy to his probation officer. That did the trick, and with very little effort on my part.
Unless there is an assault or some other obviously illegal activity, it’s pretty difficult to get police to do something. However, the court can help you file a no-contact order. Laws vary from state-to-state, but here in Washington, I would start by contacting my district court, telling them I was being harassed, and asking for guidance as to next steps.
And, to wrap up my novel here, let me just second Sars’s advice: stay alert, keep the evidence, and don’t respond to him at all. Any response should come through the police or court.
“Irresistable” may want to let HR and IS know about the situation in case it escalates, since he is using her work email address. IS may be able to help with blocking the emails.
Irresistible: go read The Gift of Fear, which will explain why you’re doing the right thing in ignoring his emails.
Sars: you are in talks with The Atlantic about a job, right?
Seconding Jessica on The Gift of Fear, which gives the same advice as Sars regarding saving email and especially not having any contact at all. Especially not when they’re driving you batshit because that’s teaching that it takes 30 attemps to get to you. It’s a good book, highly recommended.
Everyone in the world should read The Gift of Fear. And then give or loan copies to everyone they know.
As Liz notes, “Irresistable” should keep HR & IT/IS in the loop. I’d also add talking to Corporate Security. Part of their job is to ensure employees’ safety and this falls within that scope.
Word on Gift of Fear. It helped save me from being assaulted by a guy who pulled me over for speeding, pretending to be a cop. He was later arrested, after assaulting several other women. It wouldn’t have been the first attack he’d perpetrated–or the first I’d suffered–but based on accounts, it would have been bad.
Agreement here on reading The Gift of Fear and on not responding to the e-mails. Also, I don’t think I’d just block the messages. If you don’t read them, or even see them, you may miss the one where he tells you he’ll be waiting for you at your apartment, or that your future daughter came for another visit (holy smokes Hoolia — that would’ve freaked me out too!). I’m sure it would suck to have to read that crap, but it’s probably better to have some insight into what crazy shit he might be thinking of pulling.
Whoa, Jaybird, that’s one of my biggest fears EVER. Also, I literally finished The Gift of Fear yesterday, after uncomfortably letting a pressuring neighbor into my new apartment only to find out a week later via the internets that he is a sex offender. THAT SHIT SCARED ME. So I got The Gift of Fear and was coming here to recommend it.
Ah, this world is so scary.
I used to use Gaia Online back when being dramatic was the thing for me and my friends. That kind of high bullshit pseudo relationship is normal for that site.
“Obnoxious Cousin” will outgrow this, just as we all do eventually. Just, don’t be so down on her about this obsessive relationship that she has no one to talk to when this ends badly.
I’m concurring with everyone who read “The Gift of Fear.” It was recommended reading as part of a course I took on self-defense (it’s called IMPACT/PREPARE, and I highly recommend it to any woman who’d like to know how to protect herself w/o learning fancy moves, just using her own body – you can look it up online, they have a website and classes around the country).
@Jaybird, I’m so glad for you!!!
Thank goodness you were prepared!
Dear Obnoxious cousin…
Seems to me that you don’t think anybody on the internet is “real.” You consider your cousin’s internet friends as not “real”, you don’t consider internet relationships to be “real”, and you think it is a waste of time to go visit internet friends.
So why are you writing to someone on the internet? Why not ask a “real” person for advice?
FYI, most people’s avatars do not look like the very real person sitting behind the screen.
I do agree that there’s something hinky going on. A woman (and yes, 18 is a woman) who believes that someone telling her that she has perfect blowjob lips is a compliment, and who doesn’t pick up on the lies her friend is telling her does need a wake-up call. But the problem is that he’s a jackass, and she’s safer from him that way than if she fell for a jackass offline. I wouldn’t worry too much about her actually meeting the guy. From the sounds of it, he’ll probably have a “convenient” problem that makes it impossible to meet her on whatever day they decide to meet. Every time they’re supposed to meet until she dumps him and he moves on.
But what do I know? I’m on the internet. I’m not real.
The hell with Algebra, they ought to teach “The Gift of Fear” in high school!
I had a stalker for awhile & did the stupidest thing you can do – I confronted him face-to-face (he was standing in the rain for the third day in a row, watching my apartment) I scared him off with my incredulity & rage.
I was very very very lucky that he was not violent or bent on kidnapping!
Hope yours takes the hint, App, and goes away too. It’s so creeeeepy!
Jaybird, would you mind sharing details of your fake-cop encounter? What about him made you suspicious? What actions did you take? It’s understandable if you don’t want to, but the anecdote might be instructive to us all.
My own experience with that kind of stalker? I ignored and saved his communications, filed a police report, reported him to the Postal Service (I’d moved twice – unrelated to the stalking – and when he’d learned what town I was in he wheedled my exact address from the local PO employees), but when he ahowed up at my back door, after waiting for me to come home from work, I had no choice but to start screaming aggressively at him, threatening him with calling the cops if I ever saw him again. God only knows why that worked, but it did. I still have the documentation, all these years later. Just in case.
Kit, I agree w/ your response to Obnoxious Cousin. OC, although you mean well and it does sound like your cousin has some growing up to do, your judgmental approach to online socializing will only alienate her. I think you need to lighten up and let your cousin live her life, and maybe learn some lessons on her own. She does need to follow safe practices when arranging to meet people, for sure – but beyond that, you’re getting over-involved.
Kit: Don’t get all snooty. I don’t get the sense that Obnoxious Cousin thinks that online relationships can’t be serious. I get the sense that OC thinks that THESE PARTICULAR RELATIONSHIPS aren’t good. OC feels that this is the online equivalent of having a “relationship” with some thug who you only ever see at the bar and in bed.
OC: I think you’re overestimating the dangers of Gaia. Sure, it looks like the anime whorehouse of the internet, but it’s so hopelessly lame that it’s not really dangerous. If your cousin is receiving money instead of sending it, she’s already avoided one of the major pitfalls. In fact, she could be the one running the scam, talking about a visit only to keep the guy interested. That sort of petty con is much commoner on Gaia than, say, sexual predation (and anyway, they all go for the 13-year-olds).
Point is, when your cousin says she’s got everything under control, it might actually be true — she may know exactly what the score is. Not that there’s anything healthy about camwhoring for pixel outfits, but that doesn’t mean she’s deluded about the situation.
Irresistible: Just a thought, because I never would think of this if I was in the situation. I have my outlook to automatically send read receipts if someone requests them – so I never even see the ones that I send or who requested it. If you do that and that’s the kind of thing that might encourage him (oh, hey, she’s reading it!) then I would shut that feature off…
@Elizabeth: “Anime whorehouse”. Hee!
As for fake-cop-encounter story: I worked for a defense contractor at the time, one whose facility was located in a slightly remote area out near the airport. The speed limit was 50, but I (and EVERYBODY ELSE) routinely did 80 or 90 through there, b/c there was no real reason not to. Well, except for the speed limit.
Guy was tailgating me anyway. Unmarked vehicle, no flashing light, no siren. I thought this was odd, as he was following me so closely it looked like we were shooting an all-car prison movie. Anyway, he suddenly switched on this dashboard-mounted (eww) flashing blue light. I didn’t pull over, b/c it just looked…flea-markety to me. (Supposedly, you’re supposed to pull over for unmarked cars, but I’d rather be nabbed for fleeing than found in the woods by hunters.)
I pulled into the queue to show vehicle and personal ID to get into the secured facility where I worked, and that’s when he jumped out of his car and came running up to my window. He wore a t-shirt with “SHERIFF” stenciled on it, but never showed a badge or anything. I did roll down my window, b/c there were plenty of people around, including an armed security guard, and asked him what he wanted.
He yelled at me that I could easily get a “two-hundred-BUCK” ticket, or get “hauled in for reckless driving”. I asked him why he DIDN’T “haul me in”, and he just barked “Don’t get smart with me!” Um…please don’t tell me that a cop is about to turn down the chance to write a $200 ticket and/or haul someone in for aggravated speeding. I asked him if he needed to see my license or registration, and if I could see a badge. The security guard had by this time sauntered over, and also asked to see his ID. He bolted for his vehicle and threw it into reverse. I had already figured something was off, but THAT confirmed for me that he wasn’t the genuine article. The first thing any cop asks to see is your ID and relevant info, and they’re usually pretty accommodating when asked for their own ID. I figured this guy didn’t expect an armed witness.
Dude got picked up about two or three weeks later. IIRC, he’d raped at least one woman.
I meant to add this: If you haven’t yet read The Gift of Fear, by all means do so, but in the meantime, know that your instincts and your intuition tell you things for a reason, and that part of their message is “Trust us; we’ll explain later–just GO NOW.” If something seems off to you, it seems that way for a reason, and it’s better to be thought a bitch than to be buried in someone’s backyard.
Reading the NYTimes at lunch and there’s an interview in the Fashion and Style section (why there?) with the pseudonymous author of a true-life account of a long- and still-continuing stalk…
Jaybird–it’s funny, you could have been talking about what happened to me a few years ago. I wouldn’t get out of my car, and he harangued me for a while and left. He flashed a fake looking badge.
I tried to report him to the local police, because it seemed dangerous, you know? A probably-not-cop pulling over young women? When I went to the cops, they ridiculed me and wouldn’t let me past the front desk to talk to someone. I assume they thought I was talking about a real officer, and were trying to protect him. It would have been nice if they’d had the same tender concern for the women in the community.
@akeeyu: Yeah, I feel ya. Gotta love that “We-take-care-of-our-own-but-you-sod-off” attitude. I have never been arrested in my life, but have had various encounters with law enforcement (traffic stops, noisy neighbors, etc.) and have only once been HELPED by a cop.
To Probably Overthinking This: I agree with Sars, too. In my relationship experience, if I’m the dumper, that probably means that I have an emotional “head start” in getting over the relationship over the dump-ee. Thus, I would much prefer to put the “get back in contact” step into the dump-ee’s court, because only (s)he can judge when (s)he is emotionally ready to have contact in a non-romantic way again.
But really, if the breakup isn’t mutual, the hurt feelings can make the whole thing really awkward and difficult, no matter which way you go about it. Just one of those FGEs (f*cking growth experiences) we gotta live through.
@Jaybird – it’s true, trust your gut. It took the self-defense class and reading “Gift of Fear” to help me learn that lesson. Fortunately, I took the class/read the book to be as prepared as possible for anything that might happen, and not because something HAD happened. As they pointed out in class and in the book, women are programmed to be “nice” – we don’t turn around and get a good look at whoever’s behind us because we don’t want to embarrass them. We get on the elevator with that person we don’t know even though we’re nervous, because we don’t want to be rude. (This is a just a generalization!)
Don’t worry about embarrassing anyone or being wrong. We all have the right to be safe – I trust my instincts. Most of the time, they’re right, and the times they’ve been wrong, I just chalk it up to being imperfect and move on.
Irresistible–and all the other women on here–should absolutely read The Gift of Fear. I picked it up at the library after Sars referenced it in several Vine letters over the years, and I think I need to buy my own copy so I can read it again from time to time. I bought a copy for my sister and recommended that she and her twelve-year-old daughter take a self-defense class together. Her daughter took karate for a year, and I think they took that as meaning that she was fully prepared to take care of herself, but I don’t think that was enough. I took almost two years of kung fu, and I also took two two-month self-defense classes, all of this over ten years ago. I remember far more from the S-D classes now because the moves they taught were so simple and didn’t rely on great strength. Somebody tries to run off with you? Fall down! How simple is that? (And effective–you know how you can’t pick up a toddler when they do that limp noodle thing? Hell, I can barely even pick up my cat when he does that.)
I also second everyone’s advice to Irresistible on letting other people know what’s going on. I had an ex who did some low-level stalking in college, and a friend suggested I talk to the folks at campus security about him, just so they’d have something on file in case he did try something serious. I felt stupid when I called, and I kept apologizing for wasting their time with it, but afterwards, knowing that there was a record of this guy out there, I really did feel better. I told him what I’d done, and I felt good about having more control over the situation instead of sitting around waiting for him to make the next move.
And for the record–telling someone who isn’t all that responsive that you’re “meant to be together”? That shit is creepy, not romantic.
@Akeeyu – doG forbid it happens again, you might be better off going to your local paper, if that’s the kind of response you get from your local police. I would have tried the police first, too, though – and THEN I would have told the paper, and told them about the way the police responded to my complaint. I try to let as many people in the area know as possible.
@RJ – It’s better to be embarrassed than it is to be dead wrong. From the self-defense classes I’ve taken, predators count on women being hesitant about making a fuss, making a scene, hurting someone’s feelings. The elevator is a bit of a conundrum – I’ve read advice that says don’t get on, if you’re alone, and there’s one man: take the stairs. I’ve also read advice that says Don’t get trapped in the stairwell alone. I generally settle for the elevator, as long as the hair on the back of my neck isn’t rising. If it is – well, there’s always another elevator.
@ JenK, at risk of going a tad OT, you mention the difference between karate and self-defence, and you’re spot on. One thing I read recently that impressed me is that SD isn’t a martial art – because there’s no need for the fancy moves, and no space for the formal rules, that gives the suffix “art” at all!
It also makes the point that while you may need a certain level of fitness for MA, you don’t have to let lack of physical fitness put you off learning some basic SD moves… meh, I’ve probably summed that up all clumsy, but I hope you can untangle it.
@RJ: You’re dead right about the “nice” crap. Once I realized that “nice” had gotten me held down by my hair on my own living room floor and raped, “nice” got binned, but good. Probably TOO much, in fact. Sorry if that’s TMI, but if it ooks somebody into being more careful and NOT getting into that situation, okay then. TGOF was late for me, but not too late; I was still alive enough to read and heed.