The Vine: July 30, 2010
Sars,
I just had a seriously depressing epiphany about myself, and, as a result, went spelunking in your archives, unsuccessfully. I seem to recall a Vine within the last couple of years where folks went off in the comments with suggestions for psychologists/counselors in the DC area. I don’t know if the old comments came over with the site switch or not, and that’s what I was hoping you could tell me.
I am pretty sure the answer is no, checking through the Vine history. Because of Donors Choose, and the ensuing trip to DC, I’m having a hard time narrowing the field.
If the comments are gone, here’s the central issue I’m needing help with.
I am in my mid-thirties and have never been in a romantic relationship. I have friends and a life and lots of interests and a job I’m good at and keep pretty busy. But I’m also lonely and want a relationship and am terribly insecure about my lack of any. Never mind that I would like to eventually get married and have kids.
There have been multiple guys I’ve been interested in over the years, but oh, the ones I fall for: the unavailable, the non-communicative, the alcoholic who hasn’t managed to stay sober a year yet, the probably-severely-closeted (the latter twice, per friends with better gaydar).
The latest one is not only unavailable, but has gotten himself better entrenched than I into the network I introduced him to, and in a very visible way. This is not the sort of high school drama I particularly wanted to revisit. I am tired and discouraged and I think I’m finally in a (although very depressing) place where I know I need help, or at the very least, an impartial perspective.
But who? I’ve done some poking around before about different types of therapy, and think behavioral cognitive looks like a structure that would work for me. I have some family craziness, but I don’t think anything extreme, and I’ve never been sexually abused, thank heavens, nor suffered any sort of severe trauma. I also am in pretty good health otherwise, other than the standard “I should floss more and bake less.”
This is where I was hoping the Vine readership could chime in. I live in the DC area — the closer in, the easier for me. Any suggestions would be most welcome.
Not the sort of referral I want to ask of my coworkers
Dear Ref,
I hunted through the archives too, and while I’m positive I remember the letter you mean — I think the author lived in Maryland? — I can’t find it either. Perhaps the readers will turn it up, or suggest a good counselor for you locally.
If that doesn’t work out, reread the Vines addressing good and bad therapist “fits,” and start calling around. It sounds to me like you need some short- to medium-term help getting out of an identified pattern; it shouldn’t be too terribly hard to find a therapist to address that, if you do a little thinking beforehand about what kind of relationship you want to have with him/her.
Dear Sars and Tomato Nationeers:
I am an inner-city English teacher who is looking for a school-appropriate synonym for “sucks.”
One of my standard pep talks consists of explaining the connection between ability and attitude towards reading or writing, i.e. “I swear to you that if you practice, you will get better, and then it won’t suck anymore.” For the past couple of years, I’ve been at a campus where the students (and parents) were sufficiently foul-mouthed that I could just say it that way and not have a problem.
Now, however, I’m looking to move elsewhere — anywhere else. I could end up at a campus where minor swear words are again a big deal. Wherever I go, I’ll still have kids who need to hear that message.
Any ideas?
Love My Ghetto Babies
Dear Baby,
“Bites”? Some people consider that nearly as bad. “Blows” is definitely out, and “stinks” is a little Gallant of Highlights for my taste.
…”Eats a bowl of bees”? I’m sorry I’m so unhelpful, but I’m so foul-mouthed myself that “sucks” is practically church lingo for me.
“Sucks” has gotten a lot less shocking since I was that age, though, as far as its presence in the wider culture. Of course, when I was that age, nobody had said the word “bitch” on TV yet either, and dinosaurs grazed in my family’s back yard, so what do I know — but if you can’t find an ideal synonym and/or you let an S-bomb slip now and again, I don’t think most parents would even notice.
Tags: Ask The Readers grammar health and beauty
Ref, I highly recommend CBT therapy, it seriously saved my ass when I was dealing with anxiety and depression a few years ago. I’m in PA so I can’t be a ton of local help, but when I have previously asked my therapist for a rec in DC for a friend she suggested checking out http://www.academyofct.org for recommended therapists. Good Luck!
For the DC therapist connection, I LOVE my psychologist, Pat Mahoney, who is located on Farragut Square (so red, blue, or orange line metro accessible), and I am happy to provide his contact information if you email me, or if you google his name he comes up as well. He takes most kinds of insurance, including Kaiser, Carefirst, Aetna, UnitedHealth, and I think others.
@Baby I’ve been looking for one of these too! I finally just gave up and resigned myself to having my six year old say “Dude that sucks!” hee Apparently I say that a lot.
We also say “monkeyfighter” instead of motherfucker. Motherfucker was my go to word for EVERYTHING. I have to say it’s been awesome. Especially because no matter how pissed off I am saying monkeyfighter inevitably makes me laugh. :)
@Sars I remember the huge controversy when they said bitch on TV the first time! It was on Falcon Crest (a staple Friday night viewing with my Mom) and we actually gasped. And of course now they can say asshole on the radio. My how times have changed.
“won’t be horrible and boring anymore”?
doesn’t have the ring of “sucks” though. and since it is rampant on TV, I am pretty sure “sucks” will pass muster with almost any class of students, well-heeled or not.
I once got a detention for saying “sucks” in 7th-grade gym class — yes, I am still bitter about that!
Maybe it would be easier to tweak the sentence slightly: “and then it won’t be so awful/terrible/no good/very bad anymore.”
I have had to clean up my language a LOT since going from a newspaper job (where foul language is practically mandatory) to a university. I am amazed at the Pollyanna phrases I now use routinely: “good gracious,” “good heavens,” etc. I do slip in “bollocks” and “bloody” from time to time, on the theory that British swear are more acceptable.
For Ghetto Babies: how about coming up with a list of completely ridiculous similes or metaphorical phrases to stick into the place of “sucks”? Maybe something like, “I know this feels like eating honey with a fork, but it’ll get better,” or “I swear to you that if you practice, this’ll stop feeling like trying to hit a target by throwing live bees at it.”
“Eats a bowl of bees” is going to be my go-to curse from now on.
@Ref – I could have written your letter. I recommend bewisetherapy.com – if she’s not taking new people, she can probably recommend someone else (she’s in private practice in DC and spends part of her time at a group practice in MD)
@tuliptoe: I thought it was L.A. Law?
For Ref: I had the best (seriously best) therapist in D.C. She was actually a clinical social worker, which means she was just cheaper, but still amazing (and I went to her with some of the same issues you’ve described). I saw her for a year… and I can’t tell you how much she helped me, how she helped me help myself.
Dr. Laura George. She stopped taking insurance while I was seeing her, but she does sliding scale fees. I can’t recommend her enough.
Ref, I’m just glad to know I’m not the only 30-something woman who’s never had a romantic relationship and doesn’t really know why. I used to see a therapist (I’m in the midwest) for other issues (parental dramas, though nothing really bad) and have been thinking of going back to try and work through whatever I need to work through to make myself try to meet new people. This might just be the sign I needed to act on that. I hope you find what you’re looking for, both therapist-wise and relationship-wise.
Re “sucks”:
I’m in favor of automatically substituting “stinks.” It’s still intelligible and says pretty much exactly the same thing.
And not on any grounds of being shocking, or just because someone needs to talk clean to children, but because of the homophobia lurking behind it. Yes, I know all the counterstatements to that (yes, not all gay men indulge in sucking; yes, others do; yes, the original-original etymology may even be different, though I’m skeptical about that one). But for decades I heard it gleefully spouted as “sucks dicks” as often as the one-word version, with the clear intent that those who suck are the lowest scum of the earth (sort of like “the dumbest white person I ever met,” two slurs for the price of one). And for me it retains that idea.
So: I like “stinks.” And I definitely like leading young minds gently away from unthinkingly saying “sucks.”
One of the letters was last year in July … I was the woman, “Cry” who was a real jerk to my mom in the DC area, and most readers recommended therapy. I re-found the letter and the comments, and there were only two actual recommendations, and one the URL is no longer valid. The other one is: Dr. Stanley J. Palumbo, 202-362-6004. The one I ended up going to (who I really liked) is: Diane DePalma. I saw her right downtown on Pennsylvania, but she has a VA phone number: 703-957-7584. I found her by looking up people on the Psychology Today Web site — it was very helpful. Best of luck to you …
Sars, you use some version of ‘eat a bee’ fairly often, but it often has different contexts — or maybe I’m just reading them differently. Could you supply definition(s)?
It’s a special day when we can combine etymology and entomology, right?
Baby:
For what it’s worth, I was educated in a relatively affluent suburban area of northern Ohio from 1990-2003 and I don’t think “sucks” would have raised the hackles of even the parents who tended more along the “my kid can’t possibly have been fairly graded if they got anything less than a perfect score” lines of involvement.
That said, every community is different. If you end up moving to one that gives you the feeling that blue language of any shade will lead to being burnt at the stake, try replacing “sucks” with something entirely different. “I swear to you that if you practice, you will get better, and then it will stop feeling like you’re being attacked by angry poodles/Black Friday shoppers/trained hyenas/an entire herd of Sarah Palins.” (Palinae? …Actually, it’s moooost likely best to avoid political figures, although given the “refudiate” thing, mentioning her in a literacy context may either be more or less appropriate; I can’t decide.) You get the picture.
Good luck in making the move elsewhere!
@attica: Not that much to it, really. “Eat a bee” = go fuck yourself. “[X situation] eats a bowl of bees” = [X situation] sucks, and can go fuck itself. “I’m going to beat [X] with a beehive” = I’m going to fuck [X] up.
And yet, it’s G-rated. Or…BEE-rated, AMIRITE?!
I totally have to design the Eat A Bee shirts. I will get on that this week.
I can’t say “sucks” around my mom because she still thinks it’s a vile word, so I say “stinks” instead. It is a little babyish but it’s the easiest for me to remember. I’ve been known to say “fizzlesticks” in place of “fuck,” “futhermuccker” in place of “motherfucker,” and there’s always cursing in a foreign language. The German word for “shit” is incredibly satisfying to say.
I remember reading about a time when one couldn’t even say the word “pregnant” on TV, and this week on My Boys someone said “bullshit” completely uncensored. On basic cable no less. I also remember on ER towards the end of it’s run someone saying “tits” and no one seemed to care. The 21st century is awesome.
@Ref – I can’t help with recommendations, since I don’t even remember the name of the guy I saw when I was down there (he was at the GU hospital, which I always found a bitch to get to) but I will say also that you also shouldn’t be afraid to switch therapists if the first one you try isn’t working for you. Not every therapist is the right fit for every patient, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Not that sticking with a nice but unhelpful therapist has ever been one of my mistakes. No, not at all. I also wanted to say you’re not alone, with the thirties and the inappropriate, unavailable men. I’ve been in and out of therapy for over a decade – for that and for family drama – but I’ve finally found a therapist whose style actually HELPS, and I’m finally making some progress. Getting over this stuff isn’t a linear process, and it can take a long time, but you can do it, and whatever it feels like, you’re not alone.
I’m also totally stealing “eats a bowl of bees” and “monkeyfighter.” For a while I was trying to clean up my vocabulary and substituted spork for fuck. It was less successful than I hoped. I have no advice on “sucks.” It’s the word you want there, for a bunch of reasons, I think (leaving aside the likely derivation, which I agree is intellectually gross, it’s a word kids understand in a certain way and there’s not an easy substitute for that), but it is not a word that will help you keep your job in most circumstances.
Since I’ve recently discovered a hole in my beloved “Girls’ Bike Club” shirt – I will need that “Eat A Bee” shirt stat.
@Sars Maybe it was! LA Law was another one we watched. Perhaps I’m confusing it because Falcon Crest is the one I remember as so shocking to us at the time. Can you imagine a show named Falcon Crest now?? It would be some mansion filled with rich minors “keeping it real”.
Also please PLEASE design the Eat A Bee shirt as I will be buying several. :)
Ref, I recommend Maren Handler Siegel, an LCSW with an office in Woodley Park. I saw her for a few years and got a lot out of it. She is also great about dealing with different insurance companies and all their crap. She even lowered her fee for me when my insurance switched and paid less per visit.
For a psychologist, I would suggest playing around on http://www.psychcentral.com. I just discovered it the other day. You can search by insurance provider, zip code, therapy types, etc.
I know this is a little off, but suddenly I’m thinking of the Orbit gum commercials where they promise to clean up your mouth.
Pickle you kumquat!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEJJUGJZxpU
I was raised not to say “that sucks” (I’m 32), so I say “that stinks” or “that’s stupid” in place of it for the most part.
But, I do use “crap” as a replacement (as in “that’s pretty crappy”) and I’m sure that won’t work for your needs!
Retro slang is fun too – “lame”, “dullsville”, “square”. The kids might thing you are a big goofball, but you won’t get in trouble with the parents at least. :)
@ Ref and others: I hesitate to post this because it’s a little bit off-topic/jumping the gun, but if and when you are ready to try dating in a healthy way, I can’t recommend match.com enough. I thoroughly believe that if you give love out, you get it back – but you’ve got to put yourself out there and tell the world, karma, whatever you want to call it, that you are ready and interested. It took me 6 months and I found the man of my dreams and I’m engaged. And the 6 months was a BLAST – it’s a total psychological cocktail of my own growth in relationship starting and building, and it was filled with a lot of good dates and not-so-good dates that led to great stories.
Do it safely, of course – always meeting someone – always someone else knows where you are and you are to check in with them when you get home. Trust your gut – if someone seems like a creeper in e-mail, he’s a creeper.
And, trust me, i’m no bathing-beauty – 30-40 lbs overweight, average height, average looks, dorky as heck (i mean – i’m a band geek – still)… if it worked for me, it can work for you… and it’s heck of a lot cheaper than the bar scene every weekend…
When I was a kid my mom wouldn’t let us say something “sucked” because she said it showed we had a poor vocabulary.
We replaced it, at her behest, with “was deficient”. It’s still a family joke, years later.
@Jennifer: Our father’s suggestion as a substitute was “is less than ideal.” Sarah: “Speaking of ‘less than ideal.'” Ma: “And you can go weed the yard. Until you’re 40.”
I have used “rots” in place of “sucks”; e.g. “oh, man, you’re grounded? That rots!”. It’s odd enough to feel significant, but about as innocuous as you can get. “Stupid” you have to stay away from in an educational environment because of selective hearing.
A few months ago, my mother invented, on the fly, “brother trucker.” It is now one of my FAVORITE things to say, and never fails to elicit a laugh from anyone in hearing range. (Not that I recommend using it in the classroom, sorry. But it’s too funny not to share.)
For Ref, I recommend Rosalyn (Roz) Beroza, an LCSW in Silver Spring (Metro accessible). Since you might not be too familiar with the psychiatrist/psychologist/social worker distinction, I should note that a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) can’t prescribe meds. But I’d definitely suggest spending some time talking with someone before you take that step anyway (not that there’s anything wrong with meds – they’ve helped me out a bunch).
Anyway, Roz is great. Very caring and knowledgeable. She’s been practicing in the DC area for decades and knows how things work here – it’s a unique singles scene here, to say the least. She is primarily a marriage/family counselor but I have no doubt she’d be helpful to you.
@Ref, does your work have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? If so, it’s totally confidential, and they can provide you with references who will take your insurance. Mine gives out social worker refs as well as pysch, and that route worked for me too.
Omg, there are other late-20s and 30 somethings who’ve never been in romantic relationships? We should totally form a club! @Ref, I’m so impressed you’re seeking to do something about it! I wish you all the luck in the world.
@Baby, I’ve no suggestions. I used to get lectured about “sucks” as used around grandparents. But I can’t say I’ve stopped. However, “stinks” seems reasonable. Also, loving the various slang options – I use lame. But now I’m totally adding “dullsville” and “eat a bee” to my repetoire.
My family uses the word “slurp.” While it satisfied my mom’s request that we not say “____ sucks,” it sounds much dirtier and is therefore more fun.
It was my dad’s idea.
From one inner-city schoolteacher to another: I just have to say, even if you do love them, describing your students as “ghetto babies” makes me wince.
I second Rinaldo on not liking to use “sucks” because of the implied homophobia, but wanted to point out the inherent implied misogyny, which is actually where the homophobia is derived. Sucking is bad because women do it, and queer men are bad because they are like women.
I once had a date say of someone, “He can suck my dick!” just before we were about to go into the other room so that I could…ummm…suck his dick. I was, of course, accused of being too sensitive because I pointed this out, but it’s actually hard for me to feel good about performing sex acts on someone when it’s clear that they think those acts are a way to put down or humiliate other folks.
Blah blah humourless feminism cakes.
“I swear to you that if you practice, you will get better, and then it won’t be like eating worms. You can move up from worms to Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Jelly Beans.”
Which you can buy now, on the net, as a reward for their working hard.
http://www.candywarehouse.com/harrypotterbox.html
and there is one that is worm flavored.
It references Harry Potter (book and movie), at least some of your students will recognize it and laugh, and with luck, the “eat worms” will make it stick. And you might be able to do a bit of bribing with reading scenes from Harry Potter.
Best of luck.
Where do I pre-order the “eat a bee” t-shirt? And can you please make sure it comes in it in a women’s fit? Hee.
@Mystery Amanda – Palinae. Hee.
@Leia – I love the Orbit commercial where the guy goes “What the French, toast?” Makes me laugh every time.
I also like “Shut the front door!” as a replacement for STFU but now that it figures prominently in a movie commercial I feel like it will get over used pretty quickly.
Around my nephews (9 and 7), I have taken to doing something I call South Park swearing. You know how on South Park those little kids swear and the BEEP is the shortest possible one they can use to get by the censors? But the beginning and ending consonents of the words are there so there’s no doubt what was said? Well, around my nephews I say “You’re fking kidding me” and “You’re full of sht.” It sounds better than it types, I swear. (Heh) But it’s a skill. My brother-in-law came up to me the last time I was there and said “You have GOT to teach me how to do that.”
@Jeanne–nowadays, lots of Germans (well, younger ones) just say “shit!” I don’t think “Scheisse” is considered quite the same level of obscenity, although showing what you think of something by saying “I shit on it” seems pretty bad to me.
@Jennifer/Sars: In the spirit of Seven of Nine, and being the Star Trek dweebs that we are, my husband and I like to use “is insufficient” or some variation on this. I’m hoping our one-year-old daughter picks up this trend, because how hilarious would it be for your toddler to tell you that her dinner “fails to meet expectations”?
@Elizabeth, I thought of your letter immediately and am glad you posted the info, and am also glad you’re in a better place. Congrats!
WANT “eat a bowl of bees” shirt. NOW.
I remember when Sipowitz said asshole on NYPD Blue and I was just gobsmack bedazzled at what cable had wrought. Now I watch It’s Always Sunny and am only amazed that Fuck is still outside the gates, shivering and tucking its hands in its armpits, while the rest of George Carlin’s list dances a conga line and spikes the punch.
So what do you actually mean by “sucks” in the original pep talk? Probably that they won’t dislike it as much. Or it won’t take as much time. It will be easier. More fun. They’ll actually end up with writing that they think is decent and might want to share someday. Instead of using a substitute pseudo-swear word, why not substitute the idea that you are trying to impart in not-even-close-to-swear-words.
@JennKD. I feel you. I stopped wearing my GBC shirt when I noticed the handlebars were fading and peeling and now said shirt has a place of reverence in my closet, next to the Elastica Concert T-shirt I have that I stained with bleach and my University of Western Australia sweatshirt my aunt bought me forever and a day ago because she thought said sweat shirt would buy me some street cred in New Mexico. (It didn’t, but I can’t get rid of it anyway.)
@Nee: We weren’t even allowed to say “oh my God,” but for some reason, a “scheisskopf” with gusto was okay with my mother.
This feminist really has no problem with “sucks” despite the probable derivation (I assumed as a kid that it was something else, to do with how toilets flushed…I had a lot of strange ideas as a child), because, as a commenter noted, nothing else quite gets at what “sucks” means except…”sucks.” I also enjoy “eat a bowl of dicks,” because…a bowl of dicks is funny. (Dicks themselves: funny. Case in point.)
But you can substitute a bowl of unwiped assholes, as an AV Club commenter did recently. Much more disgusting, and only bigoted against poor hygiene.
I have nothing useful to suggest to @Baby, but this thread reminded me of the time my then-13-year-old sister, in a fit of fury but ever-mindful of our mother’s ban on curse words “until you’re 18 and no longer live under my roof,” came out with, “You, you igneous rock!” I still use that sometimes.
The ban did not extend to “sucks,” so I don’t have any helpful alternatives to suggest.
I teach some sweet ghetto children too! – “shut up” is the “s” word to this generation. But they buy Stinks, it doesn’t sound too Gallant and it is an easy thing to retrain yourself to do. And like the other reader pointed out, it does mean the same thing so the phrasing still works.
but I also pull off Rats and Drat in the classroom = )
and a busdriver friend of mine says “Oh for the love of little apples!” How creative we get when our go-to options are limited.
it sucks = it’s lousy
I agree with the etymology of the word “suck” as outlined by Monstrosity and Rinaldo, and appreciate wanting to avoid both the homophobia and misogyny it originally implied. But I don’t think most people recognize the word’s origins anymore. It’s become so generalized in our slang culture that now it is featured in the Nicorette “Quitting Sucks” ads:
http://adland.tv/commercials/nicorette-shark-2010-30
Given that it’s used virtually everywhere, in general without the fellatio undertone/background, I don’t think the current generation of grade-school kids sees it in the same way we might.
That’s not to say that as a teacher you shouldn’t emulate and encourage better language. More imaginative descriptions that don’t rely on ubiquitous curse words might even help kids come up with their own, more creative ways to express themselves.
I was actually more disturbed by the “ghetto babies” sign-off than by using the word “suck” in front of kids who probably hear it 30 times a day. Like C.A.B., it made me flinch.
Re: colorful language, my psychology teacher in high school used phrases like, “That acts like a vacuum.” One particular gem was a story he told about a parent-teacher conference in which a student’s parents called him a “sexually-intercoursing rectal cavity.” Also, if someone did poorly on a test, he would say that that person was headed to the Sam Houston Institute of Technology for college.
Ah, memories…
@clobbered: …Lice-ist.
(hee)