So, I’ve been single since I was 18 years old. I’m now 25. Single’s not bad, but I’ve been alone also. My last date was two years ago (a disaster), and there have been no prospects since. All my friends say, “You’re such a [insert ‘great,’ ‘pretty,’ ‘intelligent,’ ‘fun’) person. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Hmmm, don’t know, thanks for twisting the knife protruding from my back.

I know relationships don’t just happen. I’ve taken these many years to look inward and assess myself. I’ve been to therapy, and changed aspects of my personality that I felt needed to be improved. I’ve joined clubs, volunteered, et cetera. All my friends are attached, and they’re not throwing out any good advice. My mom (love her) is driving me to drink more than usual. Every phone call somehow comes around to my non-dating status.

Please advise. I know there’s no cure-all, but this perpetual loneliness is wreaking havoc with my shred of an ego. My weekends are spent watching the P/J scenes from DC. Shoot me now, please, before my soul is extinguished.

(A little melodramatic, I know. But it’s been eight years since I’ve been kissed. That’s just wrong.)

Thank you much,
Angie

My friend Fur and I used to joke about writing a book called Giving Up: Better Living Through Lowered Expectations. But she actually puts it into practice in her own life — she does her work and hangs out with her four cats and watches Buffy with a big bowl of popcorn and doesn’t worry too much about what’s missing from her life.

It’s easy to say and hard to do, but you have to try to enjoy your life “as is.” Everyone gets lonely, and those nights by yourself can really take the wind out of you, but you can’t let that occupy too much of your time and energy — it’s a waste of said time and energy, for starters, and you have to learn to enjoy the benefits of aloneness. Last night, I got home from a concert, did a bit of work, and then lay on my floor in my underwear and listened to chick rock by candlelight and ate a grapesicle. Yeah, I’d like to find a guy who’s down with that…but it’s one of those things that’s more fun to do by myself. It’s a fine thing to share a frozen-chemical-dye treat with your cats while listening to Dubstar. Sometimes that’s enough. Sometimes it has to be.

And when it’s not enough, and when you don’t like your life because you think you need a boy in it, when it means too much to you, the boys of the world can smell that coming off you like too much Coco.

So, give up. You’ll have to feign giving up at first, but eventually you’ll truly give up — not in a depressed and melodramatic kind of way, but in a “Boys of the world, bring it on. No? Fine. Oh, hello, My Dinner With Grapesicle” kind of way.

I know it sucks. I understand. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have to put some trust in your life.

Hi Sars,

Thanks for your site and the advice forum. Three cheers for Tomato Nation.

So here’s my question: I am 24, about to turn 25, and feeling very nerd-like and dorkish because (gasp) I am still a virgin! I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m not waiting because of religion, and I’m not waiting for my one true love. I’m just waiting for someone with whom I feel comfortable so I can naked. And for a guy to not stop calling after, like, three months.

Here’s the thing: it’s getting old, and I hate the fact that I’m going to be a 25-year-old virgin. I feel as if I’m the only one. I’m reasonably attractive, and date, but I’m very unexperienced sexually (obviously) and I am terribly self-conscious about it. Am I a freak? Am I putting too much emphasis on this? Part of me feels that since I’ve waited this long, I shouldn’t break the seal with just anybody, but then another part of me feels that I’ve made it into way too big of a deal and just do it already, damn it.

I would appreciate any insight you have into this matter.

Thanks,
Virgin Piña Colada

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Dear Colada,

You aren’t a freak. You aren’t putting too much emphasis on it. But I think you should just do it already, because you’re waiting for a comfort level that’s probably never coming.

I lost my virginity at 17, but it’s more accurate to say that I threw my virginity at the boy in question because I just didn’t want it anymore — I didn’t want to think about it anymore, I didn’t want to obsess over it anymore, I didn’t want to explain it or analyze it anymore. I could have picked a better candidate, in retrospect, but the guy didn’t really matter as far as my per se virginity went. I wanted to feel un-self-conscious and “ready” too, but I knew I’d wait forever if I waited for that, so I forged ahead under imperfect circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s very cool when people wait for marriage, or for true love, but not everyone is built for that distance. I understand how you feel — “I’ve waited this long, maybe I should make it special” — but for a lot of women, the first time isn’t that special anyway. For a lot of us, it’s uncomfortable and messy; for a lot of us, it’s just nothing much, because we’re new to it, or we can’t really get into it because It’s Finally Happening, or whatever. For some of us, it’s great, but don’t put all your money on that pony.

It’s only as big a deal as you make it, in the end. The next time a suitable candidate presents himself, go ahead with it. I hate to use the phrase “getting it over with,” but, well, if you’re not waiting for any particular reason, then maybe getting it over with is apt.

[7/31/01]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   sex