Hi Sars,

I read your column nearly every day and could use some advice myself.

I’ve been in a lot (6) of long-term relationships and seem to always get myself into the same position. I’ve been in my current one (lucky number 7) for a year and four months. In so many ways we have a great time together — have loads of personal jokes, share interests, spend time with each other’s families and friends, et cetera.

However, I always have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that he’s not the “one” and I should break up with him before I waste a lot of my time.I’m 26 and he’s 29 if that puts things into any more perspective.Some things that bother me: he can get very moody and then I feel as though I can’t talk to him or he’ll just snap at me.He likes to talk…a lot.He can go on and on over the phone or in person about his work, his home renovations, his medical problems, et cetera. I try to listen but after 20 minutes or so I find myself zoning out.Then he gets mad that I’m not listening.I’m all for being supportive of each other and taking an interest in each other’s life but I can’t handle hearing about every e-mail he sent to his boss today, for example.

Another thing is that he’s very messy.I can be pretty messy myself but he takes it to new extremes.When I go over to his apartment there is no where to put my things down, the garbage and sink are overflowing, and there is just “stuff” everywhere.He has talked to me about moving in together but I can’t even imagine how we could co-exist together if the place is such a mess.

The other issue has to do with money.He has a solid job and makes a decent salary but he never seems to have any money.He attributes this to living alone in an expensive city and paying the mortgage on his apartment but he admits that he has chronic problems with handling money.Often we won’t go out to dinner or do other things because he didn’t get paid this week and has only enough money for commuting and other essentials.

Our relationship is pretty serious and we may be getting close to getting engaged. I go back and forth in my mind about it.One minute I really want us to get married and the next I’m thinking about breaking up with him and starting to date other guys.We have discussed all the above matters but they haven’t changed significantly.I’ve found myself in this situation in my previous relationships and it’s become difficult to tell if my problem is with him specifically or just commitment in general.I do see a counselor and bring this up with her but it seems like I’m always coming in with the same set of problems and no resolution.

Can you shed any light on the situation?

Signed,

His apartment was only clean the first time I came over because his parents had done all the dirty work

Dear Not Enough Work, If Boyfriend Can’t Take The Trash Out,

I don’t know what to tell you, really, because when you say that you’ve “found yourself in this situation in previous relationships,” I don’t quite know what that means — what situation, exactly?That the guy is exactly like this one — self-absorbed and a bit dull at times, slobby to an outsize degree, not responsible, doesn’t change?Or that the guy’s imperfections aren’t the same, but they’re there, and you don’t think you can live with them?

The answer is the same in both cases, in the end — he is what he is, you are what you are, and either you can live with what he is or you can’t.And if you can, if he’s occasionally boring to talk to but usually fun, if he’s a pig but doesn’t mind if you go over his head and hire a cleaning service, if he’s moody at times but tolerant of your moods, well, maybe it’s worth it.Maybe the positives outweigh the negatives.

But if they don’t, they don’t.If you stay with this man, managing the money for the household and keeping it clean will fall to you; either you’ll fight him on it all the time, or you’ll do everything (and probably resent it).If you stay with this man, you will have to hear about every email he sent at work.If you stay with this man, you will get your head bitten off a few times.

And if he stays with you, he’ll see you with a mud mask on, or puking when you catch a bad shrimp taco.He’ll listen to you bitching about your cubicle nemesis…again.And something sad will happen to you, and you’ll skip the laundry and stay in bed with a box of cookies, crying, and he won’t mind because he doesn’t care about crumbs in the bed.

He’s not perfect.Neither are you.The reason you keep running into this problem may be that no man on earth is flawless and you will never find a guy who does things exactly the way you do, or the way you like them done, because life isn’t like that.Or it may be because you’re overcompensating the other way, thinking that you just have to put up with lame conversations and mood swings and mildew because hey, nobody’s perfect.

The trick here is to distinguish between “imperfect” and “incompatible,” and if you really believe, if you know, that living with this guy will drive you nuts in under a fortnight, it is what it is, and you should end things.If it’s more about you wanting things done your way, and for him to be in a good mood all the time or having meep and deaningfuls about books instead of venting about work, well, that’s not realistic and you should try to balance your expectations a bit.But I can’t make that call for you.

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