The Vine: July 5, 2001
Sars,
Regarding “Can’t Believe I Thought It Would Be Kind Of Romantic”:
I can’t believe you didn’t call this chick on her major self-esteem issues. She just broke up with a long-term boyfriend and then grabbed the nearest sleazy dork because she can’t imagine going without regular sex? Three words: Get a vibrator. It would probably merit a more glowing description than “not attractive or bright or particularly nice” and would eliminate the risk of contracting an STD. (Don’t kid yourself — Mr. Sleazy is more than likely sleeping with other women in addition to “Can’t Believe” and his wife.)
Obviously it’s her choice to live with, and I couldn’t care less if she wants to sleep with every married man in the New York metro area. But to have the nerve to describe what a loser this guy is, and in the next breath whine about not being able to find the conviction to move on to something better? Feh. As my grandma would say, if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Not Impressed
Dear Not Impressed,
Mr. Sleazy is her rebound. Okay, it’s not the most self-actualized way of going about things, but Can’t Believe is pretty up-front about her lack of self-esteem at this point in her life.
She got dumped. Now she’s boinking a married guy. She’s going to go abroad soon, and it’ll end on its own. I don’t think she’s unaware that it’s kind of icky and sad, but she’s got to come to that on her own — and, you know, that’s not what she asked me in the end. She asked me why she should stop sleeping with him. Frankly, I can’t think of a compelling reason that wouldn’t come down to other people’s morality, and that’s not what’s at stake here.
Hey Sars,
Always love the Vine, have even gotten some advice from you before. Just thought I’d offer my two cents on Can’t-Believe-I-Thought-It-Would-Be-Kind-Of-Romantic’s situation:
I absolutely, wholeheartedly agree that cheating spouses need to be held accountable for their own actions. I’m sick and tired of hearing other women moan and groan about “that cheap-ass hussy, she stole my [insert name of weak-willed man here]! It’s all her fault!” No, chickee, it the fault of your husband/boyfriend and his loose libido. He’s the one that decided the commitment the two of you made is worth less than a whirl on the newest amusement park ride.
What. Eh. Ver.
That said, I do see another side to the tale, ‘cuz, ya know, it takes two to tango and all that jazz. If my hubby was cheating, I’d tear a piece out of his hide. But I’d also be thinking about the cheap-ass hussy he was messing with (i.e. thinking how I’d like to slap her stupid). She may not be wholly responsible, but she is a willing accomplice and therefore partially responsible for the affair. How would she feel if her mate (future or an ex) was cheating on her? Wouldn’t she be hurt by his actions but also angry at the actions of the other woman?
Sure, your advice still stands as sensible (“If you want to stop fucking him, stop. If you don’t, don’t”), but when she gets to the “if you want to stop” part, she should consider the feelings of everyone involved. This man’s wife didn’t ask to be cheated on, and while her husband should be most concerned about that (which he obviously isn’t), a cheater (male or female) can’t cheat if they can’t find someone to cheat with. Call me naive, but I firmly believe in that old saying: Do unto others, only that which you’d want done unto you.
Sign me as
Doing Unto Others
Dear Doing,
Can’t Believe isn’t doing anything to the guy’s wife. She doesn’t even KNOW the guy’s wife! The guy’s wife isn’t her responsibility! Period! End of story!
I understand what you mean — that Can’t Believe shouldn’t take part in something that will hurt another person, regardless of her relationship (or non-relationship) to that person. But it’s not Can’t Believe that’s hurting the wife. It’s the man.
Of course it’s our instinct to hate the other woman. That’s natural. And I don’t want to posit that, if he hadn’t cheated on his wife with Can’t Believe, he would just have cheated on her with someone else. But you can’t reverse it so simply with “do unto others,” because presumably Can’t Believe wouldn’t want another woman to get with her man — but that just brings us back to the same point, namely that it’s the man’s responsibility not to cheat. (Or the woman’s, depending on the situation. You know what I mean.)
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Getting involved with people already in committed relationships is a bad, bad idea. It’s excessively complicated, and it’s hurtful to everyone involved. But let’s remember that the responsibility for that commitment lies with the people who have made it, not with those who have stepped in on it. Yes, it takes two to tango, but if one of those two already has a dance partner, well, it’s up to that person not to let a third cut in.
[7/5/01]
Tags: boys (and girls) sex
