Hey Sars —

I’ve been reading the Vine for some-odd months now and it seems to me that you give pretty level-headed advice on just about anything — and I’m a strong believer in that sometimes, people you don’t know give better advice than people you do know and that know you, which is a theory backed up by the fact that your advice is usually logical, spot-on, and a comfortable mixture of personal experience and theory. In short — kudos, you ROCK.

Now I never really saw myself writing to the Vine, because I tend to be pretty okay with working out my own happenings, but recently one of my closest friends and I got into a massive fight, and we haven’t been able to get things back the way they were before, even though both of us have been trying because we believe that the four years we’ve known each other for outweigh the damage done by this fight.

Now, the fight started about something really dumb — she told me that she had an interest in one of her friends’ ex-boyfriends, a couple that just very recently broke up, and that she and this guy had been seeing each other and talking about sex and what not. Something stupid like that. She told me, knowing that I’m a relatively judgmental person, and gave me time to react. The first thing I asked was, “What about Molly?” (her friend). She said, “I don’t know.” I then asked, “Don’t you think you should tell her something before she hears from someone else?” She said, “I don’t see why.” So I asked her, “Don’t you care about what she thinks?” And she just shrugged. After which I said, and I still have a hard time believing that I was off-base here, “God, hon, you’re a bitch.” I laughed when I said it, but I meant it and she knows I did. She also knows that telling me about this was dodgy in the first place, because a few months ago, I found out that one of my friends was sleeping with an ex-boyfriend and I didn’t take it very well. So, big argument — she hates my judgmental nature, and I think she’s completely failing on “chicks before dicks,” which I still thought was a pretty universal girl-friendship agreement.

Things got really ugly, to the point where we were both slagging each other for being worthless friends and not talking unless it was to start up another fight, and then eventually I got tired of it and started missing what I had with her before, and I apologized. She accepted the apology, but said she was still hurt, and that it was going to take time for her. My first problem with that was that the fight wasn’t all my doing. Just prior to her having told me about her and that guy (we’ll call him Jack), I’d been accepted to an honors program I was really nervous about getting into. I call her to tell her that, and she says, “That’s nice…hey, guess what? I went out last night drinking.” I froze, and then just asked her if she had fun. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew there and then that her response was below par, and it pissed me off that one of my closest friends had seized caring about what happened to me. She never used to be like that. I think that part of the reason she changed was because she felt she couldn’t tell me things, because I’d call her on them — but then again, I can’t tell her things because she treats them as if they are insignificant, even if I tell her point-blank that they are important to me, which hurts just as much as my insults hurt her. She doesn’t want to see that, though.

I’m willing to say that I was wrong and that I’m sorry I judged her, that perhaps my wording was off, that I could’ve handled it better. She is not willing to say that she was immature in not caring for my stories because she felt like she couldn’t tell me hers. We’ve been dancing around this for about a month now. Things are fine as long as we’re talking about her and I’m all interested in Jack, but when I try to tell her about my education or about Marc (my boyfriend, whom she’s not met and whom I started dating around the time we started fighting), she gives me an “oh I see” or a “nice” or something else that just about shuts down a conversational topic. I’ve been patient with it, and I’ve tried to let on that she is really walking a thin line by expecting that her hurt is the only one that matters here, but she’s not responded, until a few nights ago when she finally said, “Maybe it should be you that’s caring about these things, not me”…which was just about the most insensitive and unfriend-like thing she could have said. So, we’re off fighting again, and I’m getting mad at her for being selfish and she’s getting mad at me for always wanting to fight. It’s a circle.

My question is basically — are my expectations way off-base here if I expect her to care about and listen to what happens to me, as well as me listening to her and caring about her? And if they aren’t, what happens then?

Thanks. It’s a pretty stupid situation, but the fact remains that, well, if it is fixable to the point where both of us can be sort of happy again, I’d like to go there…just not if it involves me swallowing myself.

Sad But True

I don’t think it’s out of line for you to expect friends, generally, to show some interest in your life. But I think you expect too much of this friend specifically — and it’s not that you’ve asked for much. It’s that she doesn’t have it to give.

It’s pretty clear that she doesn’t care about anyone but herself; the Molly story should have served as your first clue. She can’t take criticism, even when it’s offered in jest. She’s not interested in your life, at all, and she’s hiding behind a disguise of “hurt” in order to get away with acting like a snotty little bitch, and as long as you ask for better from her, you’ll continue to find yourself disappointed and angry.

She’s not a friend to you, and you can keep waiting around for her to act like one, but you’ll have a long wait ahead of you. Accept that she’s a princess, and that it’s nothing to do with you. Then distance yourself. Life is short. Get real friends.

Dear Sarah,

I am having this problem with guys lately…it’s been this way for quite a while now, but lately it’s just been getting to me more. I thought I would email you about it and ask you what you thought, because most of my friends just won’t listen to me.

Most of the guys that I have dated have ended up hurting my feelings in one way or another, and I know that’s how it usually ends, but it seems to me that it just happens more often in my case. It usually goes something like this: I end up liking them, they act like they like me, we go out, and then they either don’t talk to me anymore, or they say that they don’t want to date just me right now.

A few days ago I started talking to this one guy from my school, who shall be called #1 from this point on, and he acted like he liked me a lot — even told my friend Ashley that it would be “sweet” if we started dating. Then just yesterday, he said he still wanted to go to the movies with me on Thursday, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but right now he didn’t want to be tied down, because he was very busy, and he wanted to date other girls too and see what happened. For some odd reason, I was disappointed, and I don’t know why.

I’m so afraid now to put my full trust in guys that like me, because I think that all of them are just out to break my heart. Even when I get to know them better, I’m still afraid. What do you think that I should do? I know this problem may sound really shallow to you, but I just wanted to know your opinion on it, since you’ve probably had more experience in that area than my friends (who don’t listen anyways), and you might know what I should do.

Sincerely,
Sarah From Ohio

PS — Keep up the great work on Tomato Nation!

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Dear Sarah From Ohio,

Hey, thanks! I try.

Okay, quick sidebar here — your friends don’t listen to you? Why not? What’s up with that? I know you only mentioned it in passing, but it sounds to me like you need new friends.

And now to your real question. First of all, cut yourself some slack. It’s not shallow to worry about this stuff, to feel hurt when boys don’t return your feelings or don’t want to date you, to think to yourself in the middle of the night that nobody will love you, ever. We all do it, and it’s totally normal, and we all feel sort of ashamed about it because, as modern girls, we’re not supposed to care that much, and that’s totally normal too.

Love really is grand, though, and fear is natural, but it’s also an enervating waste of energy. So you have to remember a few things:

1. Now and then, boys act like buttholes.
2. You deserve a non-butthole.
3. A suitable non-butthole will present himself eventually, but until he does, there’s more to life than waiting for him.
4. Buttholes often appear to be non-buttholes. It’s a mistake you’ll make a bunch of times. And then there’s Liz Phair, cranked really loud. And Janis Joplin, cranked even louder. And angry poetry and tortilla chips and dying your hair. It’s all part of the process.
5. The day will come when you find yourself on your back in the snow, making snow angels and giggling hysterically with an adorable and impeccably mannered feminist-boy redhead you met in English class. He’s your friend. You trust him. He kisses you. You forget all about the fear, because he rules, and he thinks you rule, and he’s right.

So what do I think you should do? Well, if I knew that, I’d bottle it and make a million, but I don’t, so here’s my advice in the meantime — feel afraid, but don’t let it stop you from living your life. Go on dates. Shop around. Don’t take it too seriously if you don’t feel ready. Stay open to things. You don’t have to trust boys for a while if you don’t want to, but you should trust yourself, because that’s the real issue here.

[7/6/01]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   friendships