The Vine: July 6, 2004
Strictly speaking, this isn’t my problem, but I’m a little more involved than I’d like to be, and I’d just like to have your refreshingly bullshit-free take on what my responsibilities are here. It’s quite complicated, so bear with me in terms of length.
I have a blog (as so many of us do, these days) and my blog has readers — people I’ve never met in real life, but with whom, if I find their comments sufficiently interesting, I occasionally exchange emails, instant messages, et cetera. A couple months ago when I first started my blog, a young girl (then seventeen, eighteen as of a week ago) emailed me with a compliment on my blog, I went to her blog, and we started a semi-regular email correspondence. She (let’s call her “Anna”) seemed very smart and articulate, but as I continued to correspond to her, I realized she was in a really, really weird situation. Here’s the rundown of that situation, as it’s detailed on her blog and in her emails to me (bear in mind I have only her word for it):
Anna lives in the Philippines. She’s in a very intense BDSM relationship with a 28-year-old man, Henry, who lives in the U.S., and whom she met online and has never met in real life. She got his name tattooed on her breast, has emailed him naked pictures of herself, and he has established certain rules that she must follow, which boil down to that she’s not allowed to do anything or go anywhere without his permission. She is very, very enthusiastic about finally “being free to be herself — a slave” in this relationship.
Henry lives with another woman, June. Henry and June also have a BDSM relationship. Anna “met” (cyber-encountered) Henry through an intense online relationship she was having with June…are you keeping up? After Anna “met” Henry, she immediately decided she wanted to be “his” and that she and June could be “sister slaves.” However, there was some kind of betrayal or something (Anna is reluctant to discuss what it was) which caused June to loathe Anna with a fiery vengeance.
June also has a blog, and I have read it from time to time. It’s very clear from it that she’s mentally unstable (she brags about being a kleptomaniac, she goes on long, unfocused rants that sound crystal-meth-induced). I’ve pretty much stopped emailing with Anna, who seems equally insane to me, but I still read both their blogs in that rubbernecking-at-a-train-wreck way.
All this was the setup. Here’s the situation.
Henry wants Anna to move to America. He has told Anna, according to Anna’s blog, that when she does, he will leave June and move in with Anna. He has told June, according to June’s blog, that once Anna is in America, he will claim all of her possessions (Anna has already mentioned on her blog that he was requiring her to make an exhaustive inventory of all her possessions, to signify that since she belonged to him, so did everything that was hers) and then abandon her and move away with June, leaving Anna alone and destitute, as revenge for whatever Anna did to betray June.
Also, he has forbidden Anna to read June’s blog or contact her in any way, and vice versa. Anna has to cc or forward to Henry any emails she receives or sends.
My question, very simply, is whether I have any moral responsibility in all this. I guess what would spring to mind would be to email or IM and tell Anna what June says and just leave it at that. I doubt she’d believe me anyway. Do you think I should, or should I just be the fascinated-yet-horrified bystander?
Thanks,
Alice in Bloggerland
Dear Al,
If you really feel you have to do something, “just in case,” yes, tell Anna what June says — but to tell you the truth, I think the chances that any of this is actually going to happen, or is actually happening now, are pretty slim. Not that it couldn’t happen — but something here doesn’t pass the sniff test. It’s like the three of them saw a Law & Order episode about that kind of relationship and decided to pretend to have one via blog, which — no.
I think you can easily get away with leaving it alone, in other words, but if you just can’t, email Anna, and then wash your hands of the entire situation; don’t read the blogs anymore. Ignorance is bliss.
Hi Sars,
I like the snarky advice here, and I could use some. What’s the best way to deal with an incompetent boss?
I’ve been in my job about six months — the work and the coworkers are great, but my manager is a total flake. She doesn’t remember anything she’s told verbally and loses things that are hand-delivered to her. When I ask questions or send work for review in an email, as she asked me to do, she wanders by my desk to ask, “That email you sent? Should I read it?” And even if she does read the emails, she forgets that she has, meaning that a month later she’ll ask me about something that was long ago answered or resolved.
Twice in the past two months, she’s directed me to work on a rush project, which I did, checking in several times to make sure I was doing it to her specifications. Both times when I finished, she looked at the work for two seconds and said “Why did you do it like that? I want it to be exactly the opposite. Redo it.”
If this were just about my workload, I could possibly deal, but I’m starting to worry that it makes me look bad. My manager tends to communicate with other employees and departments by having me email or call them. So it looks as if I’m the one who’s asking the already-answered questions, or giving out work instructions that change every two hours. (These are usually directed toward people at out-of-state branches, who haven’t met either of us, and would have no idea that she is the flaky one.) I’ve started prefacing emails with “Per Boss’s request” and things like that, to indicate that the confusion is coming from her, but I’m still concerned.
I have trained myself not to roll my eyes until she is out of sight. Are there other ways to cope, and/or come out of this looking halfway competent?
Thanks for the advice,
LL
Dear LL,
If you’re her assistant, usually other people will understand that you’re just doing what you’re told and can’t be blamed for any (well, most) flakiness. If you’re her subordinate in some other position, though, people will eventually start to wonder — not least about why you don’t leave.
Keep careful track of everything your boss asks you to do, and when, and how, and the ways in which she changes her mind or contradicts herself, in case there’s a performance review or a situation in which she’s expecting you to fall on your sword for her — but you might want to look for a position elsewhere, with a manager who isn’t quite so flighty. Again, most of the time it’s clear where the flightiness originates, and a certain amount of peremptory behavior comes with the territory of “having a boss,” but if she’s turning into a Joseph Heller novel, buff up your c.v. and find another job.
Dear Sars,
I have a dilemma and would be very grateful for your input. I’ll try to keep the back story to a minimum, but it has bearing on the question.
A few years ago, I was a summer intern and began dating another of the interns (let’s call him “C”) at Company A. We didn’t publicize it and there were a million interns there, so I am 99 percent sure that no one at the company was aware that we were dating. We continued to date when I returned to school and he began a job at Company B on a two-year contract (we were a six-hour drive apart).
I graduated and started work the following fall at Company A, but in a different office on a different continent from the office that C and I worked in when we started dating. He was still at Company B at this point, but we were now thousands of miles apart, and the cracks were beginning to show. The relationship had been messy from the beginning, and I wanted the freedom to date other people, so about four months later I broke it off with him.
He took it incredibly badly. Crying down the phone, begging for another chance, threatening to jump on a plane and come over here with a ring, et cetera. I tried to be as kind as I could, but I knew in my heart it was over and it would be cruel to pretend to him that we could make it work when I didn’t want that. I told him that we could still be friends, and I tried to make that happen. Well, being friends didn’t work either because he continued to be clingy and possessive, and in the end he sent me a very harsh email telling me never to contact him again, and I took him at his word.
Six months later, he started a new job at — guess where — Company A. The job was in a different department and in the original office thousands of miles away from me, though, so I didn’t think it was going to be a problem. I had at this point started dating another guy, D, who also works for Company A. I KNOW, I know, this is what happens when you do this sort of thing and believe me I will never do it again, but…D is wonderful. I could write a book about how fantastic he is. We started dating, then living together, and now we’re talking about getting married. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
About six months ago C was transferred. To my office. Where D also works. I was worried that it would be a big problem, but because he’s in a different department C and I will never have to work together and C actually handled it really well. He and I had a conversation before he showed up and while it has not been particularly comfortable, we have been friendly and it has been fine. C started off by coming to my office for chats fairly frequently, and I have been trying to discourage that because (a) I just don’t want to relive that whole period in my life and (b) the fact that we dated is certainly not something I want to be part of the general office gossip, especially since D also works for the company. So now C and I are friendly, but nothing more. If we do chat, it is about work, or living in a different country, or inconsequential things like that.
So, here is the dilemma. I mentioned that D and I have been talking about marriage, and now I am fairly certain that a proposal is imminent. When/if it happens, do I have an obligation to tell C that I am getting married before I tell my secretary or other friends at the company? I realize that it would probably be courteous, but we’ve never discussed our personal lives since he came over here, and if I make a big production out of going into his office and shutting the door I am worried that all of the personal stuff that hasn’t been mentioned will come flying out of him, and a big scene will ensue. Which, needless to say, I really don’t want to happen. However, given that it is a fairly small office, it’s not like it’s going to be possible or feasible to keep it from him. C knows that we live together (the office manual lists our addresses, which are the same) but marriage is, as they say, a different kettle of fish. He’s going to find out anyway, but is it necessary for me to tell him?
Please sign me,
Emily Post Didn’t Address This
Dear Em,
I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, it’s really none of his business anymore, and if he’s uncomfortable working with or near you, well, you didn’t make him take a job at the company and you didn’t make him transfer. On the other hand, pretending that nothing ever happened between you could seem disingenuous, and like you’re hiding it from him, which then makes it into a big deal all over again.
It’s hard, because you want to handle it sensitively, but based on what you’ve told me, he’s not someone you consider a friend, and you’ve made a point of keeping him at a distance, so I would let him find out in his own time, when everyone else does, because I think the other way just invites drama. Again, it’s not his concern, technically, and if he elects to have a hissy about it, it’s his choice, but I don’t think you want to intimate to him that that’s what you expect, or that he has a right to special emotional treatment in your life.
Dear Sars,
I’ve got a question that has been troubling me for many months now. What is the correct pluralization of the word “ho”? (As in “bitches and…”) “Hoes” are the gardening tools, but “hos” just doesn’t look right. More often than not, I see it written as “ho’s,” which just makes me cringe. Please help!
Signed,
Believe It Or Not, This Is Work-Related
Dear Believe It Or Not, The 11C Had An Answer,
Heh. Okay, first off, “ho’s” is wrong. Never ever ever use an apostrophe to pluralize. Drives me crazy.
Webster’s lists both “hos” and “hoes” as acceptable; “hos” is first, and I prefer that one, because there’s no confusion with the garden implement. Yeah, it looks a bit odd, but the context usually takes care of that.
Dear Sarah,
I need some objective advice. I’m trying to decide whether to file a complaint with the state medical board against one of my late mother’s doctors. (I’m not interested in a lawsuit; I don’t want his money. I want him officially reprimanded and some notation on his record. If he lost his license, which I don’t think likely, that would be so much icing.)
Background, which I’ll keep as brief as possible: Mom had a routine mammogram in 1991, a lump was found in her right breast. Dr. F, the cancer surgeon (not an oncologist, a distinction that I feel is important), removed the lump, and the lymph node under that arm, and gave her a course of radiation. She took Tamoxifen for five years. To the best of my knowledge, at no time did Dr. F consult an oncologist, deeming it unnecessary. (Apparently it’s not required if you’re not having chemo, or so Mom was told.) Mom was religious about check-ups and yearly mammograms and everything else she was told to do. All her subsequent mammograms came back clean.
In 1998 Mom began experiencing pain in her armpit and down her arm. She went to her primary care doctor, who referred her to Dr. F. Between 1998 and May 2000, she saw him at least five times (I have some of her canceled checks to prove it). He went through a list of possible causes for the pain, including arthritis, bursitis, regeneration of the nerves under her arm (after all these years?), and residual pain from a November 1999 car accident. Despite Mom repeatedly voicing her concerns about a recurrence of breast cancer, Dr. F did not do a CAT scan or any other diagnostic tests until May 2000. A tumor was found under her right arm. He did a biopsy, and of course it was cancerous. The tumor didn’t show in her mammograms because it was behind her breast, not in her breast. The goddamn thing was the size of a tennis ball. The cancer was also in her lungs and the bones of her shoulder and neck; it later spread to her spine and brain.
Dr. F now brought in an oncologist, Dr. C, who prescribed a course of chemo, then surgery. Mom had the chemo; the tumor was removed in August 2000. After that, there were two more rounds of chemo, two rounds of radiation, surgery to put in a port, and endless CAT scans, bone scans, ultrasounds, and X-rays to measure her progress. Dr. C did a wonderful job caring for my mother; the family all agrees on this. Despite his care, Mom died in September 2002. She was a wonderful mom, and my best friend, and I miss her more than I can say.
The last two years of her life were filled with pain and suffering. After an accident during a CAT scan (the nurse missed the vein when injecting the dye, and the dye filled her arm instead of going into her bloodstream), her right arm swelled to the size of her thigh, and never recovered. She was barely able to work, dress, bathe or feed herself. She developed several severe infections because her immune system was compromised by the chemo. Sometimes I have nightmares about the day, about a week before she died, when the hospital let her pain medicine pump run out and I walked into her room to find her thrashing around in bed and screaming for help. I could go on, but I’ll spare you.
To be blunt, I want someone to be held accountable for her terrible suffering, Sars, and I want it to be Dr. F. It is my deeply held feeling (and was my mom’s, also) that had Dr. F gotten his head out of his ass and diagnosed her sooner, a lot of what happened to her could have been prevented, and perhaps avoided altogether. Mom could very well be alive today. This enrages me. He knew her history — he treated her the first time! She came right out and told him she was afraid it was cancer! And yet it took him two years to diagnose her.
I brought up the idea of filing a complaint to my dad about six months after Mom died, and he advised me against it. After some debate and much sobbing on my part, I agreed. Dr. F might sue me for slander, Dad said. It wouldn’t bring Mom back, and did I want to put myself through all that? (I could be called to the state capitol to testify in a hearing.) All good points. So I dropped it, and thought I had forgotten about it, until I happened to see Dr. F at the hospital when I took my dad over for some minor surgery this past December. Dr. F didn’t see me and probably wouldn’t have recognized me if he had (he couldn’t remember my name from one visit to the next), but I certainly saw him, and all the rage came back. I had to get up and go to the ladies’ room because if I had stayed there one minute longer, I would have walked over and knocked him into next week. Since then, the idea of filing the complaint has come back and stuck in my mind.
I’ve been in therapy to help me cope with all this, and my therapist says it’s my decision. I just can’t for the life of me decide what that decision should be. Which is why I’m writing to you, Sars. What do you think?
Thanks,
Angry Daughter Without a Mother
Dear Angry,
I’m with your dad. Your family has suffered a terrible loss, and I agree that it probably could have been prevented — but the problem I’m seeing with your filing a complaint is two-fold. First, as your father says, it won’t bring your mother back; it will, however, bring back and perpetuate your feelings of enraged impotence from her illness and from losing her, and you have a right to deal with those however (and for as long as) you see fit, I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to keep going over that harrowing ground as part of a formal process. If you do — if you think it will help you, if you think it’s worth it for future patients of Dr. F’s — okay.
But that leads me to the second problem, which is as follows: “She came right out and told him she was afraid it was cancer! And yet it took him two years to diagnose her.” I absolutely don’t want you to think I’m blaming your mother here, but I do have to wonder — as the medical board will, which is really the point — why, if your mother felt Dr. F wasn’t getting it, she didn’t seek a second opinion or visit a non-surgical oncology clinic. Again, it’s apparent now that Dr. F should have listened to her, and I know it’s difficult and awkward to second-guess physicians, the health-care system is intimidating by design — this isn’t your mom’s fault, obviously, by any means (and it’s possible there are relevant details here that I don’t know, in which case, et cetera). But if you’re planning to file a complaint, you’re going to have to explain why your mom continued to trust Dr. F and consult him as her primary source on this issue for two years if he was as incompetent as you’re going to allege.
I think that’s what it boils down to — not that your mom should have changed doctors, although that probably would have helped her, and Dr. F is hardly a Medical Hall of Fame candidate in the second place. I think you’re trying to get a different result from the original situation, if that makes any sense — to do it over on your mom’s behalf and get that part right so that you can give yourself some closure. Maybe not; I don’t want to assign you feelings you don’t have, and my mom is alive and well so my experience with this sort of grief is, fortunately, limited. But I think this is mostly not about Dr. F.
Give it a bit more time, and talk about it with your therapist — specifically, why you want to do this, what you want to get out of it, how you envision it ending in an ideal world and how you’ll cope if that isn’t the result you get. Dr. F is a schmucky doctor, but don’t focus on that; focus on yourself, and whether it’s worth it for you, emotionally, to invest the energy in taking him down.
[7/6/04]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar sex the fam workplace
