Dear Sars —

Thanks so much for the great list! I have listened to every artist I could find on iTunes (St. Etienne, the Soup Dragons, Tei Towa, “Girls in the Garage,” and Squeeze’s “Argybargy” fell through the cracks). So without further ado, here’s what I thought.

Already familiar with:
Air — I can’t find The Virgin Suicides soundtrack anywhere, but I loved the samples from “Moon Safari”
Beck’s “Guero” — love!
Liz Phair’s “Liz Phair” — I have thought about getting another of her CDs, because I really like this one; “Whip-Smart” sounded dandy
Rolling Stones — I’ll grant that they have some good songs, but I vastly prefer Beatles to Stones. [“Me too. This is the only album of theirs I own.” — Ed.]
Rufus Wainwright — I love Rufus! I have his first CD, and I keep meaning to get another of his, I guess “Poses” is as good as any [“‘Poses’ is more accessible than ‘Want One,’ I think, but you’re at your leisure”]
The Thrills — I saw them on The OC and loved them, and their music sounded great online.

Loved:
Ben Lee — couldn’t find “Breathing Tornados,” liked “Awake is the New Sleep,” the way he sings, the whole vibe of it (I know that’s vague, sorry), a great deal
Bob Dylan — wow, his voice really wasn’t as bad as I thought! I especially liked “Highway 61 Revisited”
The Donnas — I loved the attitude, totally great
Elliott Smith — I’m now a fan, not too fast (for the type of music that it is), not too slow, lovely and just right in every way
The Hives — Loved! (the Strokes were marvelous as well, but I too prefer the Hives, just slightly) had the same energy, sort of, as the Donnas
Janis Joplin — I’ve always liked Janis Joplin and Joan Baez, and I really liked the samples from this CD that I heard
Joni Mitchell — lovely, reminded me of Baez
Luna — I really liked Luna! Just the kind of indie music I like — like clearly set off from the mainstream, but the singer isn’t acting like he’s making Great and Important Art (i.e., the “Garden State” soundtrack)
Michael Penn — marvelous
The Primitives — I loved the energy of their music, really pleasant poppy music
The Ramones — much to my own surprise, I really liked the Ramones! I don’t even know why — the music appealed to me on, like, a visceral level
Teenage Fanclub — I really enjoyed it, again, don’t really know why

Liked:
The Clash — interesting; not bad interesting, actually interesting, I liked what I heard; I see the point about the songs on “London Calling” too, but I got really into the preview music for “Combat Rock”
Everything But the Girl — couldn’t find the CD on iTunes to preview it, but the one song they had, I liked, and I liked what you said about the music being “friendly” — weirdly, that’s why I like Ben Folds Five’s old stuff [“I would try to find that disc on Half.com and risk it; it grows on you”]
The Hollies — seemed really eclectic, and I do love Brit music, this one was good
Ivy — enjoyed a lot
PJ Harvey — I have mixed feelings, but overall I like it, I like that it seems to tell a story, or at least gives you a cohesive idea of its singer’s personality, and some of the songs were really awesome [“she can be a little hard to take, I agree, but this album is a little less ‘look at me, I’m Angry Girl’ than some of her stuff”]
The Police — liked, reminded me vaguely of Paul Simon’s solo stuff, ’80s to a pleasant degree, not terminally so
Sinead O’Connor — Some of the songs were a little off-putting at first, but I began to get really into them the more I listened.
The Stills — lovely, I would enjoy driving to this
The Sundays — nice background-type music [“…ouch”]
Talking Heads — very cool, no one I know listens to this kind of music — and they should!
Thomas Dolby — I liked it, it seemed fun and enjoyably retro — not my favorite, but I liked it

And…the ones that I just couldn’t get into:
Boards of Canada — I liked it okay, but it wasn’t my favorite, a little out there for me
Cornershop — interesting, truly not my favorite of the music I heard, but pleasant enough background music — I had mixed feelings about this band but ultimately I couldn’t get into it
Glenn Miller — after giving it a good listen, I don’t really see myself listening to this sort of music — not that I have anything against the standards, it just didn’t speak to me
Fountains of Wayne — I can’t describe why, I didn’t like it — just not really my thing
Hole — well, it had energy. [“Hee. Yes, that’s one way of putting it.”] But it’s a little hardcore for me, I think
Johnny Marr — this is hard, because sometimes you dislike things for no real reason, you just do. For me, this CD was one of those things. (And I’m not that big a Morrissey fan either)
Jude — a little too “Coffee House” for me — I’m not a John Mayer/Jason Mraz/sensitive boy with guitar fan at all
Luscious Jackson — a little out-there for me
The Motels — I thought I liked ’80s music; this is a touch too ’80s for me. I mean, I like the music, I can just see myself getting tired of it quickly [“I’m not surprised by this assessment; as I said, a lot of the nouvelle synth is hard to get into unless it was just everywhere when you were a kid. And we also saw the videos that went with this stuff, which made it more…something. Real? I don’t know. There’s a reason certain songs make it onto the compilations and certain other ones don’t.”]
The Queers — not that I’m boring, but this is too jokey in a teen-boy way (and I know I am a teen boy) for me to really get into [“try it again when you’ve had some time to sit with the Ramones”]
Ray Charles — I am completely over Ray Charles after seeing him everywhere all year, but I do like some of his songs. Overall, though, I think he’s a bit overrated; I can see myself maybe getting one of his CDs, but I’ll call it a push.
Richard Ashcroft — he’s okay, but again, for whatever reason, I just wasn’t blown away
The Stone Roses — bleh, I couldn’t get into it [“surprising, given the other stuff you liked, but I’m ‘supposed to’ like The Shins, and don’t, so it just goes to show, you just never know with this stuff”]
They Might Be Giants — I didn’t really like it, too goofy-sounding for me

Sars, you have introduced me to tons of great music, and I can’t wait to see what the readers say!

Thanks so much!
A Not-So-Lonely Listener

All righty — thanks for the feedback!

It is with some trepidation that I open the floor to the readers…but I will do so with strict ground rules, to wit:

Do not write in all offended that he didn’t like something you like.
Do not try to talk him into liking something you like.
“YOU DIDN’T LIKE THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS?! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF PINKO?!” Yeah, that? Don’t do that. Because I can feel some of you doing that, right now, and I ain’t got time for that shit.
Don’t bitch at me for not liking “London Calling,” or not putting Nick “Omnipresent” Drake on the list, or whatever-all.
Read carefully. He dissed the Garden State soundtrack and he doesn’t like country, so don’t be trying to get a bunch of Zero 7 up in here or doing that “Hank Williams isn’t country, it’s standards!” thing. Pay attention; recommend based on what he told us.

Emails violating these ground rules will be deleted without comment.

Recommend some stuff you think he’d like. NICELY.

Hi Sars,

I have this problem with my father. It’s kind of complex and yet, at the same time, very simple.

He is an asshat.

Two years ago, right around Thanksgiving, after several years of asshole behavior on his part (little things, just general whining about everything that didn’t go his way and treating my mother and me like shit, but in small ways that nobody would notice until they added up), my mother discovered that he had been cheating on her over the internet.

At the time (I had just turned 20 that September) I had not really considered cybersex or internet porn to be cheating, but he basically had an internet girlfriend, and he called her all the time and sent her money and presents. This had been going on, at least with this particular woman, for over two years when we found him out.

The entire time it had been going on he had basically, as I stated earlier, been treating my mother and me like shit, out of his own feelings of guilt over what he was doing. Because of this, and because I had not known what was actually going on, I internalized it and made it into my problem, feeling that there was clearly something wrong in my household and therefore something must be wrong with ME. I have managed to get rid of this notion through extensive therapy and about six months on antidepressants; I now feel much better about myself and am totally comfortable giving my father the proverbial finger and telling him where he can cram it.

You see, he is no longer allowed to use the internet without supervision (he and my mother now have a joint email address so that he can at least do what he needs to do with it for work), and his credit cards and things of that nature were taken away from him, but he still treats my mother and me like shit. The only difference is we don’t sit back and take it from him anymore.

I don’t really agree with my mother’s choice to stay married to the fuckwit — among other things, she can’t really afford to kick him out right now; they’re in enough debt already, and he’s just retired — but it’s not my decision, and I respect that she’s an intelligent woman and has her reasons. I hate that I have too much credit card debt to move out of the house until, at the earliest, next fall, but it is what it is, and I stay away from him as much as I can, pretty much just using the house as a place to sleep until I can find a better one.

My problem (after all the exhaustive backstory) is this: I am a bisexual woman, and I don’t think my father knows. I don’t really care what he thinks, and my mother knows already and is very supportive; I just don’t really want to deal with a big scene about it if/when he finds out. (He has a habit of yelling, crying, threatening suicide — not seriously; our family therapist called him on it during the first session because it’s obviously just to get attention — and in general making everything about himself. One of his favorite things to do is to try to guilt me about making him feel like he’s been a bad father.) He claims not to be homophobic, supports gay marriage, etc., but he has a real problem dealing with gay and bisexual people when he actually meets them.

I’m not actually dating a woman at the moment (or a man, in fact, but it’s not as though I have time anyway), but if I do in the future, and it becomes serious, I want to be able to bring her home and introduce her to my mother and have a nice dinner or something, and if the asshat is around that might be difficult, especially if that’s how he finds out.

My solution to this has thus far been to sort of drop lots of hints — talking a lot about queer politics, putting various pride bumper stickers on my car (although I doubt he would notice them; the back end of that thing is one huge mass of stickers). He’s kind of dense, though, and I don’t think he has figured it out.

So my question is, should I just suck it up and tell him, and deal with the drama? Should I continue to ignore him regarding this as in all other things, and then if I end up with a girlfriend introduce her to my mom over lunch at a nice restaurant or something? Is there some way I can kill him in his sleep without getting caught? (Joking. Obviously.)

Love your sites, by the way.

Get Me Away From This Fuckwit

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Dear Get,

It depends, I think, on how long you think the drama is going to last — and as relieved as you might feel to have it out there, come what may, if you know for a fact that “come what will” is a bunch of screaming and asshattery, you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. You do have to live with the guy, at least for now, and I know that telling him isn’t really about giving him information so much as it is about giving yourself the freedom to be who you are. But if “who you are” is crouched, miserable, in your room, hating your father for his reaction to the news, maybe that’s pain you want to avoid.

It’s up to you, really; I don’t think either way is “wrong.” But I do think you have to assess the situation realistically and put yourself and your peace of mind first, and whichever way is going to create the smallest amount aggro for you, practically speaking, is the way you should go. I would keep in mind that, while your mom might be supportive, she’s also not great at standing up to your dad, evidently, so…you might not be able to count on a wingman there.

Good luck to you, whichever plan you settle on, and before you worry about any of this stuff, focus on getting your finances together to move out. The ability to walk out of a shitty conversation with him, slam the door on it, and go to your own home tends to clarify a lot of issues, if you know what I’m saying.

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Sars,

My next-door neighbor loves to play alarm-clock tag. Every seven minutes. Usually starting around 6 AM, usually not ending until after 8 AM. Her clock radio is really loud — louder than my alarm going off next to my head. I can hear hers across the uncarpeted hallway. I know it’s not a case of my having hypersensitive hearing, or wacky building acoustics because 1) I experimented with my clock radio, to determine how far the volume has to be turned up to carry like that and 2) you can hear the distortion of blown-out-by-the-volume crap speaker. 3) My roommate — in the next room — can hear it sometimes, too. I’ve tried ignoring it, or using earplugs — which frankly I don’t think I should have to do — but neither of these nonconfrontational solutions are working for me.

I wouldn’t be so loath to approach my neighbor about the problem if I hadn’t already done so twice. These approaches were nothing dramatic and a year apart. (This makes me suspect it’s some sort of SAD thing or something, but seriously, she’s a lawyer and so can probably afford a better alternative.) The first time, I left a note after failing to catch her in the hall, the second time I caught her in the hall. Both times I brought it up very diplomatically, and she was gracious and apologetic and the problem was solved until the next year.

I feel weird about bringing it up again because I don’t want to infringe on her right to wake up as she wishes, but not at the expense of forfeiting my right to sleep until a decent hour. I normally have more balls than this, but that’s because situations like this usually involve assholes. My neighbor isn’t an asshole, so I’m worried that I’m the jerk. Is there a better way to handle this? Do I need to just get a white-noise machine and get over myself?

Sleepless in the Slope

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Dear Sleepless,

It’s too loud, and it’s going off repeatedly for two hours; speaking to her on previous occasions solved the problem; enough said. Go over there and tell her very nicely that you hate to bring it up again, but her alarm is very loud, and when it’s going off every seven minutes for two hours, it’s difficult for you to get back to sleep.

The issue is not that she’s nice or not nice; the issue is that she’s obliviously engaging in a behavior that annoys you on a daily basis, and you need to bring that to her attention and expect her to correct it. Most people have no concept of how sound carries outside their apartments, which is fine, but if she for some reason doesn’t remember that her alarm bugs you, she’ll need to be reminded, and she’ll need to remedy the situation. She probably won’t mind; she probably just doesn’t know, or she gradually turned the volume up again and forgot, or whatever. Doesn’t matter. Ask her to turn it down.

And just as a general rule, people, when the alarm goes off? Just get up. I’ve had a couple of exes who would hit the snooze bar twelve or thirteen times, and it’s not like I’ve never had a red-wine morning where it’s just not happening at 7, or at 7:09, or at 7:18, and people have sleep disorders — I get that. But when you get to the third snooze, it’s time to make the tough choices. Either you’re going to get your ass up, or you’re going to turn the alarm off and let nature take its course. But take it from someone whose REM sleep has been interrupted every nine minutes for the last HOUR AND A HALF — continuing to snooze it? Not an option. Not every frickin’ morning. Stop drinking, get to bed earlier, give me a cattle prod and power of attorney, do what you have to do, but that infernal peeping is not on.

[7/6/05]

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