I appreciate your ability to cut through the drama, and was hoping you could offer some insights on this fairly benign (though potentially uncomfortable) issue.

I have a semi-large and very-close-in-a-once-per-year-kind-of-way extended family. Every summer we get together to celebrate “Christmas in July” because we all grew up where the weather can be a bitch in December, making travel miserable. Essentially, this gathering is more of a family reunion, but we make it fun with lots of good food and games and visiting, et cetera. The Christmas decorations and holiday music and gift exchanges are all part of the fun and I don’t think anyone, myself included, wants to give them up. However, (which you knew was coming, of course) the gift exchange has gotten increasingly complicated in the past several years.

We pick names, so each person is buying a gift for only one other, and individuals not “officially” part of the family are not included if they are not present to pick a name and/or no one draws for them. That’s not to say these “unofficial” family members can’t join in the fun in the future, but if a significant other was not present at the prior year’s event, s/he would not have been a part of the name drawing — although they would certainly be welcome to join in future exchanges. But I digress.

Not everyone in the family is particularly creative with the gift-giving, nor do we all see each other often enough to “know” what would be the perfect gifts for everyone. Plus, every year someone inevitably can’t make it for whatever reason (myself included in any given year), which screws up the gift exchange. Plus, due to the lack of creativity, we’ve all become dependent upon shopping from a list, which bothers me on several levels. It’s hard to come up with several options in a particular price range (how many DVDs or books can I ask for?). Over the years these lists have devolved into a collection of “gift card” options, which A) how boring! and B) I no longer live in the U.S. so I can’t shop at all of the same stores, nor do I have use for gift cards in U.S. dollars.

Moreover, several members of my family who all seem to be men and have wives, namely my sisters, who try to take care of this for them, can’t be bothered to come up with lists at all. This annoys me to no end. I’m busy too, and I’ve made it clear to the whole family that if I have to suffer by making a list we all should have to, and that responsible family members who do make gift lists should not have to face potential shopping paralysis if they happen to have drawn the name of a slacker. I have also made it clear that if I have drawn the name of an individual who can’t be bothered to make a list before we get together, I will use my creativity to buy said individual the most inappropriate gift imaginable.

But amazingly, none of this is the problem. At this year’s Christmas in July, I would like to suggest a different approach to the gift exchange. Something along the lines of choosing a broad theme and everyone bringing a smallish gift that anyone present at the following year’s gathering might choose from a grab bag (details to be worked out by the family if they go along with the plan). This way, creativity will not be so sorely taxed, I won’t have to fight with my brothers-in-law about manning up and doing what they’re supposed to do (just make the damn list already!), nor will I have to suffer coming up with a list myself (which is a serious pain in the ass). The event is more about fun and family anyway, and the gift part is becoming not so fun anymore.

So finally, my problem/question. Some of my family members are a little weird and sensitive, and I’m not sure how they will react to such a suggested change? I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t value this time spent together — it’s not as if I don’t enjoy my family or anything, because I do. I also don’t want to do away with the gift exchange because, honestly, it used to be fun and I think it could be again. Many family members put much more organizational work into this event than I do (I live the furthest away so it’s not practical for me to do much more than show up with my appointed dish-to-pass) and I don’t want to appear ungrateful of their efforts.

But seriously, this gift thing is becoming far more aggravating than it is fun (for me at least). Am I being too bothered by these (non-)issues, given that my family generally gets along and this event is not even something I particularly dread? Should I just suck it up and suffer making lists, even if not everyone else does? Should I suggest this change in gift exchange approach, and if so, what is the most tactful way to do so without pissing people off? Or should I just forget it, not make lists unless I feel like it and get a bunch of gift cards I can only use when I visit the U.S. (which happens occasionally)?

As far as non-problem problems go, I hope you can help with this one. Thanks!

When feminists coined “the personal is political” I’m not sure they had gift lists in mind…

The gift exchange is “becoming aggravating” because you are aggravating yourself, with the score-keeping and the “it’s not fair” and the wah wah wah — you’re just taking the whole shooting match way too personally. Yes, it sucks when you follow the rules and others can’t be shagged, but if that’s the case, either bag the rules yourself since nobody seems to care, or stop caring what everyone else does, turn in your list, and have done with it.

You said yourself that making the list is a pain, and yet you’re really offended that other people evince the same opinion by not doing it, and that’s not going to work. Neither is suggesting a different system, because guess who’s going to wind up organizing it and having to police everyone? That’s right: you. More work for you, same issues of people not listening and not giving “to code,” and in the grand scheme of things, this is all pretty minor. Make the list, or don’t; give a gift card, or don’t; whatever you decide, decide first to stop letting this bug you either way, because it isn’t worth it — and nothing’s going to change anyway.

Dear Sars,

I have recently moved and am living on the third floor of a three-storey walk-up. I have never lived in a walk-up before so I am unsure about the etiquette when people come to pick me up. I realise many people are not too keen on stairs and I don’t want to force anyone to huff and puff their way up. I have a date this week and cannot decide whether I should buzz him in and make him climb the stairs so he can pick me up at my door, or let him wait for me in the lobby? What would you suggest?

Thanks very much,
First-date jitters

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Dear Jitters,

If we were going right back out again, I wouldn’t be too into climbing the stairs and then going back down them two seconds later — and generally, when dates or friends stop by to pick me up, I tell them on the intercom that I’ll be right down and then just meet them at the front door of the building. Saves everyone a trip.

I don’t think it’s a big deal either way, but I’d just meet him at street level.

[7/6/06]

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