The Vine: July 7, 2000
Dear Sarah,
Okay, here is my problem. I used to (emphasis on the “used to” part) have a very good friend. When she moved to the other side of the country, we vowed to stay in touch. However, it very quickly became clear that I was the only one with that intention.
I wrote her several times, and received only one letter back from her. The last time I heard from her was in October, and I have since then moved on and I no longer consider her a friend.
Needless to say, I never really expected to hear from her again, but today I received a letter from her in which she apologizes briefly for not writing me back, and then goes on to tell me about the new dress that she bought, and how “hot” the guys at her high school are. The letter goes on for two pages, and she confides in me like we are still good friends or something.
It left me kind of stunned, and my initial reaction was, “Couldn’t she have found time to write this to me eight and a half months ago?!” However, after I got over the initial anger/annoyance, I began to think that maybe she truly does want to be friends again, and perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss her.
So, what should I do? Do you think that I should write her back and try to restart our friendship, or should I just pretend that she never wrote to me and ignore the letter? What would you do?
Thanks,
Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
I think that depends on what you want out of the friendship. Some people just don’t keep in touch very well, and it has nothing to do with you or with the friendship, but you will have to decide whether that’s something you can deal with.
Only you can say whether your old friend is “worth it” – whether the friendship can actually go somewhere from here, whether the two of you have grown too far apart since she’s left town to make a go of it, blah blah blah fishcakes. But here’s what I’d do. I’d write her a relatively short and breezy letter, telling her what’s new in your life and that it’s nice to hear from her after such a long time. See what happens.
But if there’s another lengthy time lag before her next letter, try not to take it too personally. Keep in mind that your friend has a new life now, which will naturally command more of her attention than her old one. I have a few friends like this: wonderful friends, lousy correspondents. I have fun with them when we visit each other but I don’t expect much out of them otherwise, and I’d suggest you take the same attitude with your friend.
Tags: friendships
