I’m an American, 27 years old, and I’ve lived for a few years with my Dutch boyfriend, B, in Amsterdam. The problem is that I have a desire to move to another country, preferably within a few years, but I am losing confidence that B wants that as well. Some background on the situation:

I’ve always had it in the back of mind that I didn’t want to stay in The Netherlands forever. Maybe because I felt like I only was here because it was B’s home country, maybe because I felt a bit like I wanted us to try setting up a life together where we were both on foreign soil (B has never lived in another country). As it is now, I just don’t really feel happy and at home here. There are definite perks to this country, which I try not to take for granted, but the weather is horrible and, to be honest, I don’t particularly like most Dutch people. I find most of them distant and a bit shut off and rather shallow. It is not easy to get to know them or become friends with them, so most of my friends are fellow expats from various countries. Which is fine, though I don’t see them much since most of them don’t happen to live in Amsterdam.

So B and I used to talk in a dreamy kind of way about moving someday, to some warmer country with lovely, normal people and things would be great. But earlier this year I started talking about it more seriously because I wanted to set down more solid plans. I felt like we could easily get stuck saying, “Yeah, we’d like to move in 3-4 years,” and that time would come and go and we’d still be telling people that and never actually do anything. So I thought I’d get an idea of what he had in mind. And apparently what he had in mind was maybe moving, maybe not, maybe in five years, he doesn’t know. It was a bit vague for me, especially since I know I want to do it. So we’d have this discussion every once in awhile, and I’d always end up upset and feeling like we suddenly weren’t on the same page anymore.

We discussed it again recently, and it was what made me think of writing you for advice. When we discuss it, he says all these things about me basically wanting to move for the wrong reasons, that just because I’m unhappy here I shouldn’t just run away to some other place and think that moving will make it all better. I know that is a risk, but I also feel that there are places out there where I would feel more comfortable than here. Moving to an English-speaking country would certainly make things easier (his English is near-native). But now I’m considering countries I’ve never even been to, which I doubt is healthy (I know I don’t want to go back to the U.S.).

Other people are warning me as well that I may move and still not be happy. But I say, what is wrong with giving it a chance? And it’s not like I’m saying we can never come back to The Netherlands if things don’t work out.

Underlying all this is that I am a bit frustrated with my social life since I don’t really just hang out with people often, so B is usually the one I do social things with. I do go out to expat gatherings occasionally, with or without B, but these don’t happen in Amsterdam often and they are usually with people I don’t know well. B hardly ever goes out with friends and he never has friends over to our house. He’s a bit of an IT computer geek and spends a lot of time just poking around online. He’s not against going out, but when we do, which isn’t often, they are usually things I suggest. I recently talked to him (again) about this, that I want to have more energy in my life and stop feeling like we’re my parents, but it’s been an ongoing issue for awhile. I realize that moving certainly wouldn’t change him, but if we were in a city where I felt I had friends or I was more willing to go out on my own (you don’t do that in Amsterdam), it would take pressure off having to do things with him as much.

I came over to Amsterdam soon after leaving college, so it is difficult for me to know what I am like socially on my own, in my own native country. Maybe I’d still be a miserable couch potato.

By the way, work-wise it is fairly easy for us to pick up and try somewhere else. B has done well in his IT job, but since it is IT it is easy to apply elsewhere. And I’ve been in a dead-end admin job for a few years. I have an English degree and would be willing to do anything I’m qualified for.

As I said, I don’t expect making a big move to magically solve all my problems. But I hate the thought of being in The Netherlands for the rest of my life and not giving somewhere else a shot. But am I wrong? Is everyone right and I’m moving for the wrong reasons and I’ll just be unhappy wherever I go? If moving is the right thing, how can I convince B of that? I feel we’ve hit a wall with talking about it, so how can we ever make plans for it? And how can I really improve our social life and get B off his ass more? I know there are no easy solutions, but I want to feel a bit happier with my life.

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me,
Where Is Home?

Something is off here. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but something is off. I mean, for starters, I think you do expect a move to magically solve most of your problems, but one of your problems is that you and B have different social styles — and moving is not going to change B, or you. So, you need to accept that he’s on a different wavelength from you in that regard.

“But if we lived in a city where I had more friends –” Eh. I’ve never visited Amsterdam, but you claim that going out on your own “isn’t done,” which I kind of doubt, and then you claim that the Dutch people are “distant” and “shut off”…you’ve lived there five years, is the thing. You couldn’t join a sports league or a movie club? You don’t go out with people from work, ever? B doesn’t have friends, who have friends, with whom you could hang out?

It’s not possible that the problem here is…you? That you’ve always planned to leave, so you’re not giving the Netherlands or its peeps a chance? That you expect B to change, or move, when the Netherlands is his home and he’s happy?

I don’t really know what the problem is, honestly; again, I know bubkes about Dutch anything besides The Diary of Anne Frank, and I can empathize with that sensation of a city making itself hard to know. I loved living in Toronto, but if I hadn’t already had friends there, I don’t know how I would have felt about it. It took months to warm up the Starbucks baristas in my neighborhood. I didn’t get a “the usual?” until three days before I moved back to NYC and my ass was in there every morning. And complimenting a stranger on her shoes, forget it. She’d thank me nicely, but then she’d be crab-walking away from the overly friendly American as fast as possible.

But that’s just how Torontians are a lot of the time — polite, but reserved. I was used to a little more bump-and-rush hey-how-ya-doin’ with my venti, but that’s not how they roll in Ontario, and their style works for them, so…

I don’t think the problem is the place. I think the problem is that you have to be who you are, you have to let B be who he is, and you have to let the Dutch be who they are. Be a little more proactive about doing your thing and not caring if it’s Not Dutch. I feel like you’re just reacting to current circumstances instead of acting on anything, and until you start being a little more present about what you do want instead of just about what you don’t, I don’t think moving is going to do squat except add stress to your life.

Hi Sars,

I just moved to a new city about 1000 miles from home. A friend, H, came with me to help find an apartment, et cetera. H has family in this new city, and they very graciously hosted both of us for about ten days.

When I left, I had every intention of immediately sending a thank-you note and a gift certificate for a restaurant in town, but…I just didn’t do it. So now it’s about eight months later, and I’m not sure what to do. I haven’t seen or spoken with them since then — when I left they said to drop by/come over anytime, but it always felt awkward to invite myself over and they never called me, so I also never called. (They live far enough away from me by bus that I would never be “in the neighbourhood” to drop by.)

I have nightmares of meeting them somewhere in this town while out shopping and having no idea what to say. What would you suggest I do now to show them I appreciated their hospitality without making the situation any more awkward for both parties?

All the best,
D

---

Dear D,

It’s…not that awkward for them. They just think you’re rude.

Send the thank-you note and the gift certificate with a short, sincere note expressing your gratitude and apologizing for not getting in touch sooner. Enclose your phone number and tell them you’d love to see them soon. End of story.

Yes, it’s cringey to send it late, but it needs sending. Stop overthinking it and do it.

[7/7/05]

Share!

Tags:   Ask The Readers   boys (and girls)   etiquette   rando