The Vine: July 7, 2010
Hi Sars! To cut directly to the chase (so to speak):
About four years ago at age 28, I started running, basically from scratch (although active, I was unfit and overweight and could only run for about half a mile at a time). Last August, I completed my first marathon (verrry slow at 5:20, but I finished it!). Yay, right?
The thing is, I seem to suffer from post-race depression. It’s a bit like a sugar high: you spend a few days in a euphoric state of mind and then it all comes crashing down. I guess it’s related to realising you’ve had this great achievement but at the end of the day nothing changes, life goes on, people aren’t really interested. You start questioning why you bother and who cares, anyway? I think it’s at least partly physiological, to do with hormones and stuff.
This happened to me after three half-marathons and a bunch of shorter runs and the depression seemed to last between two and five days. Fine. Then I’d get back into training and life would go on. Then came the marathon. The euphoric stage lasted for about a week. Then I was pretty depressed for at least a week. I took a trip where I couldn’t exercise and ended up eating all sorts of junk and ruining my healthy diet. I went into “what the heck” mode and before I knew it, it was Christmas, I’d started eating chocolate again after 3-4 years and basically OD’d on it, I’d barely run 26 miles in total after the marathon, and I’d put on 10 kg on top of already being a bit overweight. And so I was full of self-loathing. Okay, so maybe it can’t all be traced back to the marathon in a straight line, but that was the chain of events.
Add to the “natural” depression the fact that I was in a running school last year, and when I went to a class just three days after the marathon, not only did the coaches not remember I’d been in the event, despite my having mentioned it a few times, but when some of the other runners asked me about it, they weren’t really interested — especially after I told them my time (I guess they’re used to coaching elite-level runners). At that time I was still proud of my achievement and would have been bursting to talk about all the details, especially to fellow runners! I was the only one in my group to complete a marathon last year.
But then a couple of weeks later someone from their previous year’s group did her first marathon, in about half of my time I guess, and the coach asked her to talk about it and give advice in front of the whole class, and asked lots of questions. I guess I shouldn’t care because I’m not in elementary school anymore, but it did hurt. At some point I asked the teachers about post-race depression and they acted like they’d never heard of it and it was all in my head.
In the new year I managed to get back into training and going to the gym and being more positive about life, but I haven’t got myself motivated to diet. (I even signed up for a challenge where money is donated to charity for every kilogram you lose but failed at it, so now I’ve got guilt about the poor Nepalese kids in addition to my general self-loathing — great.) A couple of days ago, I ran my fourth half-marathon. I don’t know if it was lack of training (although my mileage this year belies that) or the extra weight, but the whole experience was painful and a struggle. I added 15 minutes to my time, and was basically glad just to make it over the line. No euphoria this time: straight to the blues.
In a month I’ve got my next full marathon. Now I’m scared (a) that I might not even finish it or (b) that if I do, I’ll get into the same depression cycle as last time. I’ve signed up for a charity fun run for the autumn, so I’ve got a goal to work towards — i.e. I’ll have to force myself back into training during the summer. If the marathon was in my hometown I might think about giving it a miss, but it’s in a different country and my husband and I have a non-refundable trip booked. Being a specific marathon trip it’s much more expensive than if we just popped over there on holiday. (Hello, guilt!)
Anyway, I’d be glad to hear your take on this. Do I just need to get over myself? Should I not take part in public events? (The thing is, I need set goals in order to stay motivated.) Is there a way I could prevent the depression now I can predict it? Do I accept defeat and find a different sport? There is a whole tangled mess of other issues related to this that I could tell you about, but I guess it all just boils down to my lack of self-esteem. I thought something like running would improve my self-esteem!
I also thought running marathons would somehow turn me into a “runner” with an “athletic lifestyle” and instead I’m still the same lazy fat girl who has to force herself to exercise. And in the background is my mother’s voice — she is very supportive and takes care of me on race days and comes to watch and cheer me on, but then she’ll talk excitedly about how she saw the winners whizz past, they were going so fast and of course they were stick-thin! (I know she doesn’t mean it that way, but…).
It’s very hard for me to be supportive to myself when my progress is so slow and I know I’ll probably always be in the bottom 10% of all marathon-runners, coming in just before they start taking down the finish line. I know it shouldn’t be about that; it’s about staying fit and staying the course and improving gradually, etc, etc.: I know it intellectually, but I can’t seem to convince myself of it emotionally.
I belong to this great online community called heiaheia.com, and when I put up a really disappointed post yesterday about the half-marathon, all my online friends left really supportive and sweet comments and when I read them I felt even worse, because I knew I was just wallowing in self-pity and I didn’t deserve their kindness anyway. What the hell is wrong with my twisted brain?!
I’ve been thinking about it, and it seems to me this whole thing could be an elaborate form of self-sabotage. Like deep down I don’t believe that I deserve to succeed at anything, so when I do, I have to ruin it in some way. (Same with the weight-loss thing.) But if that’s what it is, I have no idea what to do about it either.
Thanks for your comments,
Sad little runner
Dear Runner,
With the understanding that the woman you’ve asked for advice hates running enough that, when she thought a chunk of a World Trade Tower was going to fall on her, still did not break stride from a purposeful walk…I think that most of what you’re describing vis-Ã -vis the after-race letdown is completely normal. It’s partly the ebb of the endorphins, but I felt it after the play I put on, and after turning in my senior thesis in college; I’ve felt it in varying degrees after lots of big events.
Sad that it’s over, sure, but in your case — and, often, in mine — I think it boils down to this sentence from your letter: “I also thought running marathons would somehow turn me into a ‘runner’ with an ‘athletic lifestyle’ and instead I’m still the same lazy fat girl who has to force herself to exercise.” In other words, you thought running a marathon would change your entire life; you thought it would change you, would take that little drop of awesome you found deep down and pop it out into a big delicious fluffy whole bite of awesome.
…Wow, that metaphor was so lame that now I’m depressed. Heh. Seriously: that is a form of self-sabotage, that unrealistic expectation — because when whatever it is (running, no chocolate, putting on a play) fails to make over your entire life permanently and for the better, you use it as an excuse to give up, to not try the next time, to just load up on fries because nobody cares and it doesn’t do any good anyway. And when I say “you,” I mean “many many people, including this brother.”
It takes many many forms: buying shoes we don’t need because that one perfect pair might make us cool (or because not having it will leave us on the outside of something); turning into a Bridezilla because having that perfect wedding will mean we’re happy and never have to cry or worry or work on a relationship ever again; et cetera and so on. Totally normal. Totally unconscious.
So, now what? Well, I would keep training for the upcoming fun run…okay, I wouldn’t, because: hate running, but you know what I mean. Keep training for it. Anticipate that you might suffer from post-race blues, but don’t let it rule the experience; accept it as part of racing, and tell yourself that, if it’s too much this time, you can always move on to some other activity. Start paying more conscious attention to your aspirational style, and by that I mean, when you want to do or buy or learn things, what is the fleeting thought underneath that want? It takes a little time sometimes to get to the root of it; writing it down somewhere helps, so maybe you want to start a “race prep journal” and work things through there. Why did you start running? Why did you keep running? What was running supposed to do, or save you from, or change that it hasn’t — or has?
Again: we all do this. It’s why cable has so many decluttering shows, you know? It’s why I have an entire drawer of beading supplies. The trick is to realize that you do this; forgive yourself for doing this; avoid choices that perpetuate the cycle (in this case, that means finding a running school that’s more encouraging — or doing another sport that has different benchmarks for a while; not to get too Special Olympics about it, but you picked an activity whose measurements of achievement are not the most forgiving); and identify more realistic ideas and goals for change and improvement.
Running is great, I have heard. My chiptastic ankles and I are not trying to join the fun, but I understand it’s very rewarding for its own sake and I think that’s great. Your problem right now, I think, is that you’re attaching all of the rewards of running (and possibly everything else in your life) to the approval of other people. We all do that, too, but spend a few months making yourself more mindful of that and trying to separate what makes you happy from what other people think is cool or impressive.
…Says the currency nerd. (Hee.)
Dear Sarah,
My mom died two and half years ago. It was horrible. We were incredibly close and I still miss her all the time, but I have managed to climb out of the incredibly deep depression that left me semi-suicidal, unable to work on my masters, and deeply uninterested in the fun things in life. I’m not “over it” but I’m living my life again.
One of the silver linings was that I became very close with my father after her death, while we had always gotten along we had never been very emotionally close, more like baseball buddies.
Last year he told me that he was re-dating his high school girlfriend, whom he had dumped in favor of my mom back in college. It turned out he had gotten back in contact with her about 9 months after my mom died, and she left her husband three months later. He told me about eight months after they started dating, basically when he was moving in with her.
I felt incredibly betrayed that my father had lied to me for 9 months and I really don’t trust him anymore, even though I understand that he probably didn’t want to upset my sister and me by telling us before it was serious. I kept my feelings to myself, basically, until, I came home for a visit a few months later and met her.
It didn’t really go that well although nothing terrible happened. She’s clingy and possessive, which I find grating in couples under the best circumstances, but I was willing to swallow that irritation and put it down to differing relationship styles. But…at her behest, my father took down all the pictures of my mother in the house. My sister and I both told him that this bothered us, and he said that he has to love someone who is alive to feel like his life has meaning, and didn’t want to upset Girlfriend, who is sensitive on the topic of my mother.
I decided it would be too emotionally difficult for me to come home for Christmas under the circumstances, and went with a polite fiction about disrupting work on my MA thesis; my sister went with work excuses because she didn’t want face the situation on her own. Girlfriend sent us an email taking me to task for not considering our father’s feelings. I felt that this was incredibly presumptuous, ignored her email and told my father that I was incredibly pissed and expected to never receive anything like it in the future. He told me he wasn’t going to tell her what to do. My sister ended up going home for the holidays. (She, I should note, was not as bothered by the email, and while she is angry at my dad, has much less antipathy toward Girlfriend.)
Now that I am actually finishing my thesis I will be returning to the city where Dad lives with Girlfriend and (when they’re not with their father) her two daughters. I am really dreading this because there is nothing polite to hide behind, and despite the anger I am feeling, I genuinely love Dad, and try to avoid hurting his feelings, which makes it hard to confront these issues.
Basically, I want to have no relationship whatsoever with Girlfriend and her family. She is clearly holding onto her 30-year-old issues with my mother and encourages my father to behave in ways that are disrespectful to my mother’s memory (she baked him a cake on the anniversary of my mother’s death, for one enraging example).
I am angry at my dad too (after all, Girlfriend wasn’t married to my mom and doesn’t owe her anything), but I always had a close relationship with my family and I hate the idea of being estranged but I hate the idea more of pretending to be in a family with people who are, essentially insensitive strangers.
Is it okay for me to basically insist that I only want a relationship with my father, and that if he wants to see me, he can arrange to do so at times when he’s not with Girlfriend? Is it okay for me, when they get married, to not go to their wedding? My friends are torn on this issue — some see it as equivalent to refusing to acknowledge a gay family member’s partner, but others point out that the gay partner is usually not doing anything damaging.
At this point I feel like the harm is done. Even if Dad puts the pictures back up he’ll only be doing it because I’m angry, not because he is actually interested in honoring the memory of my mother. He seems to be setting up house with Girlfriend and her daughters, like a substitute family of undamaged people (he took them all out to brunch on Mother’s Day, which made me cry after he told me on the phone). I understand the impulse, but it hurts.
It’s not my fault or my sister’s fault that we are still grieving our mother, and we can’t just replace our mom. I understand that Dad has to grieve in his own way, but I honestly think that he is so afraid of losing someone he loves again that he will never stand up to Girlfriend and will always prioritize her comfort over my sister’s and mine because he thinks we won’t abandon him. Additionally, he adopts this Pollyanna attitude about it all where he refuses to acknowledge that we’re upset and just attributes our reactions to being “overwhelmed with happiness” for him.
I am afraid of doing anything I can’t take back, because I know my judgment isn’t at its best in this area and I know my tendency to have fantasies of not just burning the bridge but nuclear-bombing it. At the same time, I don’t want to keep putting myself in a situation that hurts me either, and at this point…
Thanks in advance for your advice, harsh or otherwise,
Sad Daughter
Dear Daughter,
It’s not okay for you to insist that your father only socialize with you sans Girlfriend, or to refuse to attend their wedding, and I think you know it isn’t. It’s okay to want to do those things, or to fantasize about doing those things, and you can try it, I guess; you can ask Dad to leave Girlfriend at home and meet you at a neutral location, and you can check the “no” box on the invitation and stay home with a good book. But it’s not going to get you the results you want.
And what you want is twofold: 1) for your father to mourn your mother the same way you do, at the same pitch, on the same timeline; and failing that, 2) to keep him for yourself. If I’ve made it sound childish, I apologize — it is somewhat childish, but in the sense that it’s very primal and natural and you may not realize consciously that you have these desires. I don’t think it’s crazy or inappropriate to feel how you feel.
What is crossing a line is expecting everyone else to feel the way you do, and/or expecting that your feelings should trump everyone else’s. You say yourself that you didn’t have an emotionally close relationship with Dad prior to your mother’s death; do you know he doesn’t still grieve? Do you know how he organizes these compartments for himself? Do you understand that he’ll do it differently from you? “Girlfriend wasn’t married to my mom and doesn’t owe her anything” — is it your place to say what your dad owes her? Your dad is not you; your dad’s relationship with your mother is not the same as your relationship with her; you did not know everything about the marriage, and you don’t know everything about him. What is your dad owed, in the final analysis? Your mom is gone, and this cannot be changed. Is Dad not owed love and companionship unless it comes from your mother, or when you’re ready?
“Even if Dad puts the pictures back up he’ll only be doing it because I’m angry, not because he is actually interested in honoring the memory of my mother.” See above. His failure to meet your honoring standards doesn’t mean he’s not honoring her. It means he’s showing some compassion for Girlfriend by putting those things out of sight; sure, maybe he’s over it already and isn’t honoring your mother, but maybe he’s doing it in his own way, out of your sight, because his relationship with your mother, as it continues after her death, is not necessarily and/or fully your business. And if he does do it because you’re angry, so what? Do you want him to put the pictures back up? Or do you want him to remain a sad monk out of respect for…you?
Look, I think Girlfriend’s behavior is presumptuous too, and again, you feel what you feel and that’s okay, but I also think you’re expecting too much from the man — starting with an ability to read your mind. It’s time to acknowledge these feelings, to acknowledge them to him, to tell him in so many words that you feel betrayed and lonely and sad that he’s moved on, to say that you don’t appreciate Girlfriend dictating the role your mother will have in the family going forward.
It’s not about making him pick a side, or assuming that expressing yourself means that you’ll get what you want, and you should say as much to him. But he needs to know how you feel, and he needs to know that you need him to know how you feel, even if he doesn’t do anything about it. (He should, however, let Girlfriend know that just because your mother died doesn’t mean she isn’t still part of the family. It’s not a competition.)
But you also need to have a little compassion for Dad, and for Girlfriend. Yeah, the cake is weird, but I get the feeling that story had more layers (forgive the pun), and believe me, in her position, there kind of isn’t a “right” way to handle the late wife — and if there is, it can change from day to day. She’s not always going to get it right. You don’t have to BFF it with the woman, but try to imagine for a few minutes what it’s like to be in her position. I know that the pain of a loss like this can block out the sun, but this isn’t all about you. These things are not just happening to you or just being done to you.
Own your feelings, while not expecting everyone else to share them, or to share them with you. Just because Dad isn’t in bed all day with tears trickling into his ears doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss Mom; it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in bed all day some days; it just means he’s different from you and he’s trying to live his life. Taking Girlfriend out to brunch doesn’t mean he’s trying to make a substitute family and forget Mom ever existed; it means that Girlfriend is here, now, and is a mother, and brunch is what you do on Mother’s Day. Not everything he does with or for Girlfriend is by definition at the expense of you or your mother. Sometimes it just is.
You need to talk to him. No ultimatums, no list of Girlfriend’s transgressions; just tell him how you feel, that you still have a hard time, that you worry about what it means that Mom’s pictures got taken down, that you love him and want a relationship with him but you can’t just snap into place with Girlfriend and you’ll need some time, and you hope he can be a little flexible as you figure things out.
And then you need to listen to, and try to sympathize with, a man who is probably lonely and misses having a family in the house. I’m not on his “side”; I’m not on anyone’s side. There aren’t “sides,” is the point. Everyone’s just trying to work around the hole your mom left without falling into it.
Hi Sars,
So I had a pretty solid group of seven close friends in college, and many of us have remained friends since graduation five years ago. There was never any serious in-group romance, which probably helped, though Leslie and Colin had a brief flirtation and I know Jason had a bit of a crush on Laura. Colin actually ditched us midway through senior year when he met a girl who didn’t like us, and he’s completely out of the picture now. Laura and I were particularly close, as we were co-leaders of a student group for a few years.
I lived with Laura for the first year out of school, then Kristen moved back to the city and three of us all lived together. A couple of years later, Laura and Kristen and I all went our separate ways, and I have consistently kept in touch with Jason and all of the girls EXCEPT Laura.
Here’s the thing: I’m so, so glad we’re not friends anymore. In the last year of living together, my individual friendship with Laura disintegrated. She was condescending and combative and generally unpleasant toward me all the time, but we managed to stay civil for the most part. I’m sure I was no picnic, as three years of roommate-hood takes its toll, but others have offered unsolicited opinions that she was particularly nasty to me even when unprovoked.
Laura had confessed to me several years prior that she and Colin had an affair in college (they were both in on/off serious relationships at the time), but that nobody else in the group knew about it, and that she trusted me with her secret, blah blah. I was shocked at her confession, but I didn’t say anything to anyone, because it seemed like nobody got hurt and she said the relationship was long over. She has since gotten back together with her on/off serious boyfriend.
A few months before we all moved out, when all the girls were in town visiting, she drunkenly told us that she had confessed the affair not just to me, but to each of us individually, and told us all that we were the only one who knew, just to keep us from talking about it to each other!
Sars, I was livid. I felt betrayed and used and lied to. I told her that. We had it out, and mostly avoided each other for the last months of our lease. We all moved out and I have only seen her once briefly in the two years since, and have made no attempt at contacting her. I thought we were done, and I was glad for it.
Then yesterday she sent me a chatty email. I got engaged a few months ago, and aside from a Facebook “congrats!” wall post she hadn’t said anything, but she just sent me a paragraphs-long email asking about plans and how I was doing, and then get this: she signed it “love you, Laura.” When I first read it I actually said out loud, “No you don’t!”
So I guess this very long setup is for the question: what the what? The friendship is over for me. I don’t want to be pen-pals, I don’t want to get together to catch up. I hope I don’t run into her around town, but it’s not like I walk around in dread. If we see each other I’ll be civil. I know she doesn’t keep in touch with any of the other girls or Jason. I don’t want to invite her to my wedding in the fall, though I am aware it will make it significantly more awkward if we see each other in a year and she wasn’t invited, given our past friendship.
Should I even bother answering this email? Is she just angling for an invite so she can see all the people she hasn’t bothered to keep in touch with for the last few years? I do not get it. Do you?
Why now?
Dear Now,
I would answer it, keeping it as short, cheery, and generic as possible. “Great to hear from you — sounds like everything is going [however it’s going]. I’m doing well, very busy with work and [whatever else]. Take care! Now.”
Of course, not everyone considers “take care” as fatuously dismissive as I do, but you get the idea. It doesn’t really matter why she’s reached out — she misses you; she doesn’t get that she treated you poorly; she does, but doesn’t know how to fix it; she likes wedding cake; who cares. You aren’t interested in a friendship.
But I don’t think you’re interested in creating drama where it’s not necessary, either, so a pleasant note that sends a message with its brevity and lack of specifics is indicated. Ignoring her email entirely is also an option, but may occasion a stickier follow-up, and while the jovial brush-off doesn’t mean that won’t happen anyway, you can jump off that bridge when you get to it.
Don’t engage her. Two sentences, zero details about the wedding, send.
Tags: friendships health and beauty the fam
To Sad,
Oh..this hit home.
I lost my mother in 1981. We did not have the best relationship..mother and daughters and so on but…
My father and I became very close in the year after her death and it must be noted that I am the only daughter and eldest.
On my mothers birthday, my father announced that he was going to marry some one he had ben seeing and that my youngest brother had introduced.
Shades of a forced Brady Bunch.
I asked if I might attend the wedding in Reno and was informed that no ne would be there..a quickie..iroic much since they were 52.
Later I saw photo’s of said youngest brother and now stepsister at wedding.
For the next few years it was as if mom never existed.
I began to build her up in my mind , forgetting all of our usual mother and daughter issues…I was all of 25.
Mu husband saw the way this had to end up and told me one painful night that if I kept on this path , I would lose whatever relationship I had with my father..
AKA…Grow the F up.
It hit home.
While I didn’t have your history here and you have right to that…please..please..think.
Do not burn bridges.
I swallowed my anger and sense of rejection.
I told my step mother that I was too old for a mom and frankly not at all interested ,, but an older lady friend might be nice.
I had to learn painfully to respect his and their space.
In the end, by the time he passed away 6 years ago, we were able to mourn together.
I wish you the best here with this .
@Sad Daughter: You are wallowing. You may choose to continue to do so — feel free — but quit throwing your soppy Kleenex on the people who are choosing life. You want to be unhappy, you want your Dad to be unhappy, you want your sister to be unhappy, you want your Dad’s girlfriend to be unhappy… so, where does it stop? You honestly would prefer your Dad, sister, and you to sit around a table filled with your Mom’s photos, hold hands and sing Kumbaya? For how long? 2 1/2 years obviously isn’t enough for you. Is 3 1/2 years? 5 years? 10 years? Just how exactly long is it that you want your Dad to wear sackcloth and ashes to publicly acknowledge his grief and your grief?
Let’s assume you push the issue and your Dad decides to break up with his girlfriend to assuage your selfishness. Then what? Is Dad ever allowed to date again, or do you want to pack him in cotton and put him on a shelf waiting for when it is convenient for you to pay attention to him? Someday your Dad will die, too, and then what will you have? What will he have had until that point? Have you thought through the consequences of your behavior?
Yes, your Mom died. Yes, it sucks. It sucks for every single human on the planet, because every one of our parents is dead or dying. Grow up. You don’t get over a death of a parent, but you get on with life and you allow those you love to do the same in their own way.
@Amy Newman: WOW that was uncalled for. Yes, I’m still upset about my mom’s death two and a half years later how craaaaaaazay. You seem to be operating on the assumption that I’ve made this anyone’s problem but my own when my letter CLEARLY STATES that part of the issue is keeping my feelings inside to spare my father and sister. In short: be an asshole to someone else, your feelings don’t apply here
@Sad Runner,
I’ve never felt the depression, but can definitely sympathize with the post-race sloth. I’ve gotten progressively after each of my three marathons. In the middle of the last race I did, I finally realized that even though I love running, I’d come to hate racing. So I’m on a minimum 3-month race hiatus until I find a race I truly WANT to do, not one I feel that I HAVE to do because I dropped $80 on it 4 months back. (I’m only planning on one race for sure, a trail half-marathon with a drinking competition at mile 11. I have a title to defend.)
Anyway, my point is, get back to what you like about running, and only then think about going back to racing. And definitely look up the hash in your area. Mine includes lots of people who are simultaneously marathoners and people who will run gleefully around in public in red dresses/wild halloween costumes/their underpants. If nothing else, it’ll break the monotony. :)
@Adrienne — On On! If you’re ever in Philly, look up the BFMH3.
@Amy Newman: unhelpful.
@Sad Daughter: please, don’t keep your feelings inside. You can’t–they’re too big. All you’ll end up doing is forcing them to express themselves some other, more destructive way (alcohol! inappropriate sex! scrapbooking!). You need to be careful not to burn bridges, yes, but you also need to find a safe place to put your rage (roller derby?). It’s like…have you read Firestarter? Stephen King, before he got hit by a van and became Uncle SucksMyButt? Girl who has the power to start fires with her mind, but she can’t always control it, so rather than burn down the world, she pushes it at a body of water–a sink, a lake, whatever. You need a lake.
Sad Daughter – what would your Mom say?
Would she be glad that your father has a chance to be happy or would she be trying to ruin that chance, like you are?
I’ve lost my mom too. It hurt more than anything I’ve encountered in my 54 years…but I haven’t lost a spouse. I’ve seen what my sister is going through, and there’s not a photo of her late hubby in the house except the one on her nightstand to say goodnight to. She took them down about 18 months after he passed – too painful. Your Dad honors your mother in his own way and in his own heart – that has nothing to do with you, those are HIS feelings, not yours! He may have been relieved at the suggestion to remove the pictures of your Mom. It’s not as though he can discuss his feelings with his daughters, you’ve made that impossible.
You told us “and he said that he has to love someone who is alive to feel like his life has meaning” – he should be able to live his life in the best way he can find, he certainly does not need your approval for that, but I’m sure it hurts his broken heart that you can’t just be happy for him. His relationships are not about you. The path of his life is not yours to decide. Let him find happiness, Daughter – consider it an act of love toward your father if you can’t find any other motivation. Girlfriend cares enough about how he feels to stand up to you, to make him a cake on a day she knew he’d need extra kindness. Girlfriend may well become Wife, and you can expect that he’ll be as loyal to her as he was to your Mom.
You said ” I hate the idea of being estranged but I hate the idea more of pretending to be in a family with people who are, essentially insensitive strangers.” If I were Girlfriend, I’d be done with you by now and this would have already happened. Your behavior practically guarantees he’s going to lose a daughter, too. Hasn’t your father suffered enough, Sad Daughter?
@Sad Daughter — I echo Sars and ferretrick. Boycotting your dad’s relationship with Girlfriend is a totally normal desire, but actually following through on that impulse will cause your family so much pain and grief and drama, and it’s just not worth it. Girlfriend sounds like a pill (the e-mail taking you to task for not visiting at Christmas was, IMO, appallingly out of line), but refusing to acknowledge her existence is only going to hurt you and your dad and your sister in the long run.
I’m in a vaguely similar situation. Six years ago, my dad left my mom for another woman. The Other Woman became Girlfriend, and it took me a long time (2 years) to even agree to be in the same room with her, but eventually I decided that avoiding her wasn’t worth destroying my relationship with my dad. These days, I stick out the occasional holiday dinner, make polite conversation with her and her kids, and make sure my dad and I get some time to ourselves at father-daughter lunches and concerts. I still don’t particularly like her*, but it’s more than worth dealing with her from time to time in order to stay close to my dad.
My sense is that what hurts you as much as anything Girlfriend has done is that your father is pretending everything is awesome and that you’re not “really” feeling sad or upset. My dad did that for a while too, and it was infuriating. (For a while he started almost every conversation with “Girlfriend is amazing, she’s the love of my life, I’m so much happier now that I divorced your mom!” We’d also make plans that were supposed to be just the two of us, and then he’d show up with Girlfriend in tow as a “nice surprise.”) What worked for me was being blunt about how I felt, telling my dad that I was making an effort to be nice to Girlfriend because I love him, but that being around her was hard for me and I needed him to acknowledge that and stop trying to cram her down my throat. It took about five or six rounds of explaining this, but eventually he got it. I don’t get a strong sense from your follow-up of what you said during the conversation about staying with him and Girlfriend. What have you told your dad about what you’re thinking and feeling?
~~~~~~~~~~
* And not just because of the divorce thing. She told me she wouldn’t ever consider voting for Hillary Clinton because, and I quote, “I don’t like tough, unfeminine women.” (To forestall a political debate: there are legitimate reasons to not vote for Hillary Clinton, but the fact that she’s a “tough woman” isn’t one of them in my book.)
People are being really tough on Sad Daughter. I agree that punishing the girlfriend and the father won’t do any good, and I think she knows that (from the letter). She should empathize with her father to the best of her ability. But stop scolding her! She’s not being selfish and bratty, end of story; she’s deeply, legimately hurt and trying her best not to do anything destructive.
Hamlet was in roughly the same situation, right? And that didn’t end well.
@Now: Facebook sure is a double-edged sword, isn’t it? I had one former roommate send me a friend request (after an absence of 15 years), and we met up, had lunch, made plans for more get-togethers, basically had an all-around fantastic reunion.
Another former roommate sent a friend request, and I accepted mostly out of surprise. Things hadn’t been very friendly at the end, and we maybe write two or three words to each other a month.
I had yet ANOTHER roommate who, if she sends me a friend request, I’ll probably send a blistering response, block her from further updates, and then set the computer on fire.
I think some of these “are you kidding me?!” friend requests come from the fact that lots of people can’t bear the thought that someone thinks badly of them. So they reach out with a sort of “Let’s pretend we didn’t hate each other, so I don’t have to think that maybe I was the one who was a jerk.” Sometimes you can get past it, and sometimes you can’t. She may have decided that if she makes the first step, then rejecting her makes YOU the jerk. And that’s..okay. Either she’s worth reconnecting with, or you want to allow her to assume whatevertheheck she wants as long as it means she cuts all contact again.
@Sad Little Runner – oy, I’m glad I read your letter! I am slightly overweight and way out of shape and can’t run a mile and in May I entered a lottery for the San Francisco marathon thinking I wouldn’t get in. I should have read the fine print – it’s the HALF-marathon that’s tough to get into, just about everybody who applied to the marathon got in. In the two months since I got in I have run a grand total of 1 mile. So now I have three months left to train for a marathon or waste $160 and having read up on this particular marathon, it’s just awful. Very hilly, and there are TONS of walkers out on the course (they start before the runners) so you can never settle into a decent pace as you have to go around the walkers strewn across the roadway, and support is non-existent and the people who cheer on the sidelines are all cheering for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society runners, not muggles like me. And I was hoping it would transform me into a skinny athlete! At the very least your letter has prepared me better for what to expect in terms of transforming my life (not)…and post-race blues. I am setting my expectations much lower…I just want to get MOVING again and be in better shape going forward. Basically, I’ve decided I want to be YOU (without the post-race depression). But I’m not sure doing a marathon is the way – it seems a bit extreme now that I think of it (speaking just of myself now, not you). I am in awe that you have finished so many races, and frankly I would be happy with a time of 5:20.
@Sad Daughter – as weird as the cake was, new girlfriend was acknowledging your mother on the anniversary of her death.
@Laura’s ex-friend – why are you FB friends with Laura if you consider her an ex-friend? I realize not all of our FB “friends” are really friends but in this case, you actually dislike Laura. Surely you’re going to be posting about your wedding plans in months to come – and she’s going to read those posts – so aren’t you in a position where you’re going to be essentially baiting her? Or at least, leading her to think she is welcome to be privy to your wedding plans? It would be kinda tacky to unfriend her at this point because she’ll eventually figure out that you did…but maybe you should send her an email saying you’re going to because you two have been out of touch and you feel like you’re not really friends anymore. Only more diplomatic than that. Then hope she doesn’t reply with offers of rekindling the friendship.
Thanks Emerson.
I really don’t understand the mean comments about how Girlfriend should be done with me because of my behavior as my letter clearly states that I haven’t DONE anything.
@PetiteChablis: The follow-up convo (apologies for length) was basically that my Dad tried to circumvent my plans to stay with my grandparents and told them I’d be staying with him and Girlfriend instead, and I told him that I needed more boundaries and that I didn’t feel comfortable staying with him and Girlfriend but that I would do it for one night so as not to be rude. The next day I followed up with a conversation saying that my sister felt that he didn’t care about her anymore (which she had said in a conversation with me and told me I could pass on to dad) because he only wanted to talk about Girlfriend when he called. He said that he knew she was upset, but didn’t want to say anything. I pointed out that since he and Sister NEVER say anything it puts me in the position of having to be the emotional bully all the time and I hate. I suggested something my therapist suggested, which is that we set aside a day, once a year, to get together as our original family and he said that he felt uncomfortable excluding Girlfriend. I got pissed because it’s ONE DAY a YEAR and pointed out that she hangs out with her kids without him all the time and they are going to be living in the house she shared with her husband so, what, she’s allowed to have a past and he isn’t? I told him that I know what he wants is for us to be one big happy family, and that for right now that’s not realistic, but that I will always be polite to Girlfriend, but I’d appreciate him not trying to force her on me.
In the past two weeks I’ve hung out with my Dad four times, three of which included Girlfriend. Dad and I hung out last night to do some volunteer work and afterward he invited her to come to dinner and I bowed out, and he asked why and I said that only two weeks ago I told him that I needed more space to come to terms with girlfriend and that I felt like he was ignoring me. He apologized for putting me in an awkward position and I felt bad.
That’s basically where things are.
@Alexandra: I’ve done the Nike Women’s Marathon, and you can handle it, if you train right and know what to expect.
Pro:
–All the hills are in the first half. Once you’re through the half, the course gets significantly easier.
–There are really nice views from the top of those hills.
–No pressure to finish fast. You won’t see anyone taking down aid stations before the race is over, or following the slow runners with a chase car. There are plenty of walkers and slow folks, and you will NOT be last.
–Other than at the start, course congestion really isn’t as big a factor as you might think. I am as impatient a runner as they come, and I never felt like I was jockeying for position with walkers and slower runners.
–Friendly, nice people. I ran a solid first half (1:45-ish) and then bonked hard (finished in 4:20-ish), and only got through the second half by conversing with strangers who quickly became friends. The race has that kind of vibe.
–Cool finisher swag: you get a Tiffany necklace rather than a medal!
–Race day weather tends to be cool and overcast, perfect running weather.
Cons:
–Yes, there are hills. You were not misled on that point!
–Team in Training folks. If you’re one of them, the support is probably great. If you’re not one of them, try to have a positive attitude about people in purple shirts yelling for someone who’s not you.
–Thinning of the crowd at the half. Both the field of runners and the spectators get a lot more sparse after the half.
–The final miles are flat, but boring.
If you have any specific questions on this race, hit me up. I actually work for Nike Running and can definitely answer just about anything about it.
@Sad: Your dad…needs to get with reality, a little, I think, but given that that’s the case and for whatever it’s worth, I think you’re handling this as well as you possibly could. The “for right now that’s not realistic” is something he needs to hear, repeatedly. Hang in there with it.
Daughter:
In my (unfortunately long) experience in eldercare, seeing widow/erers and how they act afterwards, etc., this is sounding pretty typical to me. Old men REALLY want someone to take care of them again (and may not even know how to function for themselves alone at home), and they are in hot demand, so it’s easy for them to find a new girlfriend to wait on them. Even if they are mourning, they will put it aside to find someone else to take care of them. (I knew a guy who after his wife died, dropped every single thing they had ever done together, married the first woman he found, and fled the state. And that one was in his 40’s!) Because the priority is to have someone who’s alive and there, period.
In the case of the girlfriend, there’s a lot less available men out there when you’re older, so they tend to cling to whoever they caught like a barnacle. And the older you get, the less picky you can be when it comes to picking an SO, as far as I can tell.
And if new girlfriend comes with a local replacement family, and doesn’t have the issues that the original kids do, all the better! Sorry, but I’ve seen that a lot. My hairdresser’s dad flat out dumped him as a child when he found a new girlfriend and treats the new girlfriend’s kids as his own.
None of this will make you feel better, mind you, but your dad isn’t being a special snowflake about this. That’s pretty much how dating as a widow/er in your 50’s and up goes, as far as I’ve been able to tell. However, at least your dad waited until after your mom died. In my family, my relatives find new boyfriends and girlfriends (and have shacked up) while the spouse is dying. Really classy, huh? I just wish my mom would get herself a real, non-married boyfriend…yes, it’s that bad.
My advice to you is to well, if you want him around at all, suck it up. Limit your contact with him, but expect that you’ll always have to deal with girlfriend as a package deal if you do see him. She’s giving him uh, things you can’t provide as a daughter, so she’ll probably be the one he picks if you force an ultimatum. Sorry.
@Sad Daughter – I’m in a very similar bind with my dad right now regarding the woman he left my mom for two years ago. Well, except you’ve managed better than me already, because the idea of making nice with her reduces me to white-hot, stuttering rage, and as a result I haven’t spoken to my dad in six months. I do not understand why the hell it’s so hard for him to spend a few hours away from her; I don’t understand how he thinks that refusing to is going to make me any more kindly disposed towards their relationship. And yeah, he too wants everyone to be a big happy family, but I don’t see why I should accommodate that when I’m left juggling the pieces of *my* family because of his crap, y’know?
And re forcing ultimatums: the thing is that in this situation you feel like you’re the one being handed an ultimatum. “Be okay with this or you will never see me again.” How do you maintain a relationship under that kind of pressure? How do you reconcile yourself to giving in to it? It kills me that he’s basically vanished from my life, but the idea of letting him bully me into accepting this infuriates me.
Not much in the way of useful advice here…I hope I’m not threadjacking. This just really hit a sore spot for me.
The girlfriend for whom a father leaves his wife/the family — and the father’s behavior towards her and towards integrating her with his children — is, I think, another proposition entirely.
Now,
I see that you were ‘livid’ with your former friend when you found out that the secret she told you had been shared with the others…. and then you didn’t feel so special any more. Stick with the minimal contact, you will never get over losing that BFF status in her life.
Wow, you guys. I’ve just spent ages reading Sars’s response and all the comments. Sars is spot-on, as usual, and so are you all. I’m blown away by your kindness, but aside from that I think I need to sit down and read through all of your words again, and draw up a list of things I need to do/address/think about.
A lot of good points have been made above, but one that really struck home was the idea of “don’t treat yourself how you wouldn’t treat a friend”. I guess deep down, now I think about it, I have this idea that I can’t be my own friend. That that would be somehow… selfish. Or vain. I don’t know. That’s something else I need to address, I guess.
I suppose it slightly complicates matters that I live not only in a small country (Finland) but in the countryside, so there are fewer running group options. I do know, though, that there is a Hash House Harriers group in Helsinki, so maybe I’ll work up the courage to give them a try.
Thanks, Sars, and everyone else for your help! I’ll try to work this one out. Like some people said, these issues actually pervade my whole life in one way or another, so I guess it’s high time.
@Sad Daughter: at the risk of beating this particular horse to death, it might be – well, I don’t know if helpful is the word, but perspective-giving, if you find a little pity for Girlfriend.
I have done some pretty pathetic things for relationships in my lifetime, and my insecurity issues are a topic for a Vine letter of my own – but examining the circs as stated, I have got to say I wouldn’t be in her shoes for all the mocha in Starbucks.
I’m sure your father is a lovely man and a great partner, but – yikes. He dumped her. Then, thirty years later, he snaps his fingers – and woof, there she is, waiting on his rug, after having left her OWN husband (of how many years?) in what appears to be an indecent amount of time.
Unless she’s completely lacking in self-awareness and intelligence, she cannot possibly be unconscious of how sad and lacking in pride that seems. Nor, since your dad waited until the better woman was safely dead, can she ever be sure – ever, no matter what he says – that he really loves her for herself, or simply (as other posters have pointed out) is the kind of guy who just can’t stand sleeping alone in the day-to-day, and went for her because he was too grief-stricken to bother with launching a search for a whole new woman and figured she’d be a sure thing. (I would tend to doubt that his desire for that comfort and affection in daily life really has any bearing on his love for, or grief about, your mother, too.)
Yeah, Girlfriend’s probably acting like a clingy freak. She quite possibly knows that. She quite possibly has a lot of sleepless, staring-at-the-ceiling nights, too.
She may well be not particularly a nice person altogether. But I’m just saying there may be other complications aside from the whole widower thing affecting the relationship here, and causing her to be extra-weird.
You say you’re trying to be calm, to tell your dad you need more space, and that’s probably good. I hope you can manage to disentangle your relationship with your Dad from his relationship with Girlfriend, in your mind, and hold onto the one regardless of what happens with the other. I mean, people we love DO often do stupid (or what we think are stupid) romantic things; but ultimately, that’s not what’s important in our relationship with them.
@Sad Daughter, gah, I just…GAH. Sars is right, you just need to keep doing what you’re doing and trust that things will change with time.
With me, a lot of my frustration when this happened was, not only did I lose my dad, but my mom became completely unable to be there for me at all (or so it seemed). For whatever reason, she just couldn’t see (or make room for) the fact that it was really, really, really hard for me to see her with her new boyfriend, that it made me want to tear my own skin off and run out the door. She had found something that eased the pain of her own grief, and couldn’t see that it just contributed to mine. She just wanted to get to “all better,” and part of “all better” was me (and my sister) being fine with NewDad.
The upshot of this was, and this sucks again, some more, I did kind of lose my mother, for a while, anyway. I just couldn’t rely on her to be there for me for a couple of years. She couldn’t or wouldn’t find it in her to be there for me like she had been before, and right when I needed her the most. And you can debate all day whether she should’ve been able to, whether it was just too much to expect, who should’ve sucked it up more–really, you can debate this all day. I’ve done it with my sister and my therapist. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. The situation was what it was, and I turned to other sources of support–my sister, my best friend, my husband (whom I met shortly after my dad died), my therapist–to mitigate.
This may be the case with your dad. He just may not be able to be there for you for a while. That sucks so hard, but if that’s the case, there is nothing you can do to fix it, except to protect yourself by modifying your expectations. The good news is that time fixed this as well. My relationship with my mom is much better now than it was shortly after my dad died, both because she was able to plug back in to the whole “mom” thing, and because I was able to forgive her for not being there (or at least let go of my anger). It’s not the same relationship it was, but it’s good.
So, just…keep moving forward. You can do this.
@Sad Daughter — FWIW, my dad tended to take any willingness to be around Girlfriend as evidence that I was “over it,” and I had to explain several times that yes, I was making the effort, but no, that did not mean I was “over it.” I wonder if maybe your dad is succumbing to similar wishful thinking — “She hung out with me and Girlfriend 3 times, that must mean she loves Girlfriend now!” But I think if you keep making an effort to be around Girlfriend sometimes, while being clear with your dad about what you’re ready for and what you aren’t in terms of a relationship with her, you’re doing all you can in the situation. Good luck. And I’m so sorry about your mom.
@Ami — I’m so sorry. I know firsthand how upsetting and frustrating and just flat-out enraging it is to have your dad try to force a relationship with The Other Woman. If you need to talk to someone who’s been there, I’m around.
Sad Daughter–I’m a little concerned about your carrying the emotional water for your sister, as you mention in the followup. If she’s not an adult, I think you’d be helped–and she would–by your handing that particular job back to her. The maintenance of the family is not actually your individual job, you know? Could be I’m projecting a little, but it sounds like that that may be what you feel is at stake here, and it’s just not in your control, nor should it be.
I don’t think Girlfriend is the mother-disrespecting witch she feels like to you, but she is at the very least tone deaf, and I think your desire to spend some time alone with your dad is reasonable even were she absolutely lovely. It would be reasonable even if your mom were still there. Maybe that’s a way in to asking for what you want. It sounds a little to me like you and your father have rather similar projects–you’re both trying to define the family, but you have different ideas of what that definition is. (Though I do think you’re more willing to bend and have more insight on it.) It might be helpful to sidestep the “family includes GF/no it doesn’t” deadlock by considering the individuals. Could you even do something one on one with Girlfriend? I bet it’d give your dad joy, and you might find a different way to relate to her when she’s just a person, not, you know, your dad’s person.
Sad, I’m feeling for you. Luckily I haven’t had this particular problem, but the “just pretend EVERYTHING IS FINE” tendancy is prevalent in our family tree.
The worst thing about dealing with long, drawn out emotional pain is that when you finally get to a place where you can be honest about what you need/can’t do anymore/really feel about something, you’ve gone through so much emotional turmoil and anxiety that it seems only fair that finally saying “I need some time to process your new relationship” should be the key to solving all the knots and everyone will relax and settle down and not expect/do unrealistic/crazy things anymore. Even if you know intellectually that’s not going to happen, the feeling of “it’s not FAIR! I finally sorted this pile of angry, why can’t X see it?!” is going to come roaring up. (Especially if one of you feels like you’re doing all the heavy lifting–your comment on being the member of your family who had to be the “emotional bully” stood out.)
All you can do is all you can do. Just don’t give in to your darker impulses, even if you have to leave the room/restaurant/house/holiday, and it will eventually get easier, if for no other reason that humans can only take so much drama. At some point, people really want to get on with it and have a beer in front of CSI.
Sad Runner – OK, this response is WAY late, but I wanted to add that post-race depression is completely normal. I injured myself in a completely unrelated-to-running manner after a marathon in January (strained the tendon badly while getting out of bed the next day – HA!) and could not run for 10 days afterwards.
Running creates an endorphin rush and when you stop running in order to recover from a big effort like a marathon or half marathon, those endorphins are no longer rushing around, so of course you’re going to feel down. People who are more sensitive to changes in brain chemicals are going to feel the highs and lows related to running more.
I would also like to add that it is important to view running (or work, or any other activity) as just ONE component of who you are. If you tie your whole self-image up with “I am a fit and active runner” and then fail to achieve that, you will be devastated. Better to think of yourself as a person who likes to run and has achieved what less than 1/2 of 1% of the world’s population has ever attempted (that would be running a marathon).
Also, Sparkpeople for a great on-line support community for heath and wellness.
I tried to leave a nice long comment thanking everyone for their kind words but it seems to have disappeared into the ether… Anyway, thanks, guys — and Sars, especially! I will have to sit down and make a long to-do list based on everyone’s suggestions. Some of them really hit home.
Sad runner, I’m glad that others are telling you that your running achievements are *impressive*. That said, clearly, it’s not doing “it” for you. I liked the idea of you setting goals to try new things, like Zumba. Maybe you could give soccer a try? It incorporates running and a team environment. Trust me, adult leagues have *lots* of beginners in them. Also, I haven’t read it myself, so can’t really recommend it exactly, but I’ve heard from several different people, all of whom I respect, that “Slow, Fat, Triathlete” is a really good book. Which reminds me: there’s an all-women’s sprint tri out there (it used to be the Danskin, but then it got sold, yadda yadda yadda) with a woman named Sally Edwards involved. Sally’s mission is to always be the last finisher of the race, so no one “loses”. Of course, I’m not sure how I’d feel if I were the one who finished with Sally right behind me, but that’s something else entirely.
Sad daughter, yeah… I think you’ve got to buck up, to some degree, anyway. You never have to like girlfriend, but it sounds like you’re going to have to accept her being in your dad’s life, and spend at least some time with her. One thing that did concern me about girlfriend is the bit about her leaving her husband… did she ditch her husband for your dad? It kinda sounds like there’s some element for concern in there, but perhaps I’m not reading the timeline correctly.
Sad Daughter,
I, too, am a sad daughter. I was 20 when my mom died, and that was 14 years ago.
I have to tell you: it gets easier over time. And everyone grieves differently, in their own fashion, in their own time and on their own terms.
It is not fair for you to begrudge your father for moving on and continuing to live even though your mother is gone. Taking down the photos isn’t an indication that he doesn’t love/miss your mother; it’s something he did out of respect for his GF, which is not unreasonable. What HE does in HIS house is not something you are in any way entitled to be mad about.
Or maybe it was just too hard for him to see those photos every day. My dad was so unable to cope that, when it was time to pack up the family household, he wasn’t even there. he couldn’t deal, left town, and left all the sorting of my family’s life together for ME to deal with.
I am sorry for your loss. And I know I have not beem great at dealing with mine.
However, I was snapped into reality when one of my friends asked me, about a year after my mom died:
“How long are you going to use this mourning thing as an excuse for being a bitch?”
At the time, I thought it was unforgivable. Now, I see that I needed to hear it.
You only have your dad left; if you learn only one thing from your mom’s death, let it be this:
don’t take anyone for granted.
The time on this earth is finite and short, and people can be taken from us entirely too soon. Don’t waste the time you have left with your father. Be happy for him, and allow his GF to become a part of the family.
14 years later, my dad is still with the GF he started seeing within a year of my mom’s death. There are no photos of her at his house. Her urn is on my mantle. Her wedding ring is with my sister. This does not mean that my dad has forgotten; he loves and misses her every day. But he loves his GF, too, and she loves us. On my parents’ anniversary, on the anniversary of mom’s death, and on mom’s bday, she gives my dad the space he needs for whatever grieving he needs to do. And we call her on mother’s day because, even though she can’t take our mom’s place, we love her for making dad happy and for making us a family. Because THAT it what’s important.
@Sad Little Runner: I ran my first 10K in February. I have never been an athlete–quite the opposite, in fact. But I had trained hard and really pushed myself to do it; I hate exercise in all forms but I was so very proud that I’d set a goal and accomplished it. I was on cloud nine . . . until I saw the pictures of myself running that my husband had taken . . . and I realized that I looked like the same clumsy dork I’ve always been.
I guess I thought that my outward appearance matched what I felt inside. I FELT like a real runner, and when I realized that I didn’t LOOK like one, it was a hard blow to my self-esteem. I was really embarrassed, and I quit running for a while.
Now I’m signed up for a half-marathon (thanks to peer pressure from my friends) and I’ve decided that I won’t look at any pictures this time. I’m going to assume that I look the way I feel, and I’m going to crush this race!
I hope you can get back in the saddle again, too, and run for yourself without caring what other people may think. Somebody has to come in last–may as well be us, huh?
PS — @Sad Little Runner:
I’m the daughter of a lifelong runner. That competitiveness supercedes everything and the stamp of approval about anything is rarely given (I’m 39 and not an athlete). You gotta run for you and nobody else. Good luck!
My first comment hiccuped (I think).
Sarah — thank you for putting into words something I do but couldn’t quite articulate: “buying shoes we don’t need because…not having it will leave us on the outside of something).”
That is completely me. I overshop clothes and bags ands sometimes shoes (clearance racks and not breaking the bank, but still) in pursuit of some mystery “get,” and many times, I’m back in the store to retun whatever it was I didn’t really need. Part of it is the joy of an awesome deal scored, but not always.
People DO grieve differently. And it seems as if Dad might have been really clumsy but … not incorrect about withholding information about when he started seeing Girlfriend – because Sad Daughter thought it was too soon -for him-. And still is, apparently.
I’ve often wondered just how many years adult children want their widowed parents grieving the lost spouse ALONE – because from what I’ve seen, the answer frequently seems to be “all of them”.