The Vine: July 8, 2003
Sars —
Here’s the deal. I have this friend, we have known each other since junior high. We lived together in college, traveled to Europe together — in short, she’s my best friend, and we used to know each other better than anyone else.
The problem? She has this new boyfriend, who I adored up until recently. I have known him forever as well, and we have all been good friends for years. I was so excited for the two of them when they got together; I knew things would change in terms of hanging out, et cetera, but I was cool with that. I still am cool with that for the most part. The thing is, recently, the boyfriend has turned into a real jerk.
My friend has always been one of those people who thrives on approval and does poorly with any type of criticism. Her boy has started telling her things like, “Don’t wear your glasses [that she needs to drive] — they make you look ugly.” Or “Don’t cut your hair short, you’ll look like a lesbian.” My personal favorite is when she tells me about how he refuses to wear a condom, but he doesn’t want her to go on the pill because “You’ll get fat and I don’t date fat girls.”
I have tried so hard to be supportive. Part of me thinks that she is telling me these things to get reassurance that doing things like wearing her glasses or going on the pill don’t make her less of a person, or less attractive. I know that it is none of my business, but I also know that she is really into this guy, and by all outside accounts, he is really into her too. In fact, I have heard from other friends of his that he is thinking marriage. I know that I would be asked to be in the wedding. How could I possibly stand at a wedding for these two when I know the mean things that he says to her? On the other hand, if they break up, is it completely wrong of me to be angry with him and not want to see him anymore? I really feel that I am her friend first. What do I do?
Clueless in St. Louis
Dear Clueless,
Don’t get ahead of yourself. Until they get engaged, try not to worry yet about what you’ll do if she asks you to stand up at the wedding.
In the meantime…I don’t know if I quite understand what you’re asking me. Do you want advice on how to handle the boyfriend, or on how to handle your friend? Because as far as the boyfriend goes, civility is the way to go; if they break up, you can cut him dead, but for now, just smile and deal with him (unless he makes one of his shallow hairstyle comments to you, in which case, tee him up, because…shut up, jackass). To your friend, you might point out that her boyfriend is controlling, selfish, and way too concerned with her appearance, and that she should maybe think about whether that’s what she wants, especially if he won’t take basic responsibility for the birth control, and then won’t let her take it either, because…shut up, jackass.
Tell her that if it is what she wants, you won’t end the friendship or anything, obviously, but because she’s your friend, you wouldn’t feel right about not mentioning that you think the guy’s a buttwad.
Dear Sars,
I’ve just graduated from college, and I’m completely freaking out. About everything, ever. I mean, okay. There’s the fact that I’m about to have an English degree (what do you do with one of those, again?). I don’t know whom I’m going to live with next year, or if I could possibly afford to live alone. I might be able to come up with some sort of budget, if I were employed, but I’m not, and I’ve been sending out résumés and interviewing, but haven’t actually been offered a job.
I don’t know what I want to do ultimately (for the past year, I’ve been considering grad school, and I think I really want to do it, but I worry: will I just wind up with two useless degrees instead of one, and if so, what’s the point?), and that complicates matters further. If I decide to try to get things in order to go to grad school, it’s going to involve me taking more classes, which means I’ll probably have to work part-time as opposed to full-time. Not that it matters, because I’m pretty sure I’m not qualified for any full-time job, ever.
Add to all this the fact that I’m going out with this really great guy, and I’m afraid to lean on him because I don’t know if I can give back to him the same way, and the fact that I (not we) have a sexual problem, and it just seems like too much to deal with.
It’s partly the fact that everything seems to affect everything else: What I decide to do with school will dictate what kind of job I get, and thus how much money I make and where I can afford to live. Or the job will dictate whether I can fit school into my schedule. Or if I can’t find a roommate or a cheap apartment, the fact that I have to LIVE ON THE STREETS will make selling my body the natural choice.
My boyfriend is a really wonderful person, and puts no pressure on me in any way, and I’m terrified of sucking him into my craziness. I don’t want our relationship to be all about me, and I also want to be able to stay with it and see where it goes (we’ve only been together for about four months).
I feel like I should be able to get a grip and just get through all this. Nobody I talk to seems to understand how big a deal this is to me. I mostly try to deal with things on my own, but after so much crying and insomnia, I’m looking for a quick second opinion (though I realize this hasn’t been a quick letter).
Everyone goes through periods of uncertainty and bad roommates and debt, right? Maybe this is just my time. But should I just go ahead and take a job I know I’ll hate and live with someone I don’t really get along with, just to have something figured out? Should I just break up with my boyfriend and forget about grad school for now so I have fewer things to worry about? Or is there a sane way to handle this? I feel like my life is being tied up in knots and I’m stuck flailing somewhere in the middle of it all. I don’t even know what to think about first. Any suggestions?
Nouement
Dear Noue,
Many, many people go through a crisis after graduating from college; it’s normal. So the first thing to do is to acknowledge that you’re freaking out, and to not freak out about freaking out.
The second thing to do is to get a job. It’s a shitty economy, and you don’t have one of the more practical degrees — been there, done that — but you’ll get something eventually, and actually, yes, I think you should take the first remotely tolerable gig that comes along. Retail, food service, part-time work, whatever — nobody loves folding shirts at the Gap, but it’s a paycheck, and I think what you need right now is to have one element of your life settled, at least for a little while, so that you can start tackling the other elements.
Everything is going to fall into place eventually — maybe not right away, and maybe not in a way that’s ideal for you, but it will fall into place, and then you will deal with it if it’s not really what you want. If you want to go to grad school, you will deal with what you need to to get there. If you want to find an apartment, you will deal with the arrangements. Right now is one of the few times in your life (I hope) where everything changes at once; your friends move away, you have to get a job and an apartment, everything’s in flux at the same time. It’s very daunting, but it’s also not going to last forever, so don’t do anything drastic about your boyfriend or fixing up that nice refrigerator box you found under a bridge. Breathe in. Breathe out. Get a job. Trust your life to put where you belong.
Sagacious Sars,
After nearly a decade, there’s nothing my best friend Aimee could say or do to make me turn my back on her. If your advice ends up being “be there for her,” that’s not a problem. The problem? Aimee’s got issues. She’s been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. She has low self-esteem. She’s a binge eater. She has trust issues, and understandably so. But Aimee also has serious physical health problems — the big C, for one. She won’t discuss her cancer or her treatment, as is her prerogative.
Two years ago, she went into the hospital for surgery. Only her boyfriend knew about it, and only because, as she said “it slipped out.” She died on the table. The machine that was supposed to be supplying oxygenated blood to her brain malfunctioned. Go directly towards the light, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Except don’t, because the surgeon manage to resuscitate her. After that, I tried to gently impress on her the importance of not keeping her friends in the dark about such matters. It didn’t take.
She won’t, can’t, or simply doesn’t rely on or confide in her friends — who are numerous and all fiercely loyal; we’re like pit bulls, we are. She nixed my suggestion that she seek therapy, on the grounds that she doesn’t need it. (I made the suggestion after finding out that she’d killed a would-be rapist while away at college. No potential for trauma there.) She won’t talk to her friends. She won’t talk to her parents. She won’t talk to a professional. She’s 22 years old, fabulous, and scarily brilliant, but I can’t help feeling like she needs some help. Is there anything I can do for Aimee?
Friend in Need
Dear Friend,
For Aimee…no, not really. She doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t want help, end of story, and from her perspective, the best thing you can do for her is to respect that. Now, if her pathological privacy and independence is bothering you — if you feel shut out by it — that’s another letter, but as far as what you can do for her…just stay out of her way, unless you think she’s going to harm herself. It’s what she wants.
Tell her that you love her and will support her no matter what, whether she confides in you or not — and if she ever does want to confide in you, she’s welcome to. Then leave it.
Dear Sars,
I have two very complicated, albeit self-involved, dilemmas. They kind of read like Passions on a bad day (minus the talking dolls), but I’d still love to have your advice.
I am a 17-year-old girl, and I am seeing a 22-year-old girl. Fine — my parents are not aware of our now four-month relationship, nor are they aware of the fact that I am bisexual. I wouldn’t really have a problem with telling them, but (A) they know and like the girl and think we are just friends and (B) my brother is gay and has been out for almost two years.
My mom has gotten used to this fact, but she and my father think that his sexuality is their fault (I suggested PFLAG; I don’t know if my brother or my parents gave me the more milk-curdling look). Now my telling them would (A) cause them to blame my brother’s influence for my orientation (which is unfounded, because I’ve known I was attracted to girls far longer than I knew my brother was gay — although I don’t know what I must have been smoking, he flames rather brightly) and (B) take my girlfriend to court for statutory rape (I am of the legal consent age, but there’s more than a four-year difference). But regardless, lying to my parents is difficult and I can see it weighing on our relationship.
Beyond this, my brother has been no help, telling me that if I truly insist on being a flaming dyke, I can wait until our parents are dead because it will kill my father and break my mother’s heart (again because after he came out, I believe her words to me were “whatever you want to do as long as you are straight”). On top of this, I feel completely selfish because I know I could be happy with a guy if I really tried, but at this point in my life I’m really having fun seeing women. This is dilemma number one.
Number two is that up until this week my girlfriend and I have had a very happy relationship; she is really good to me, and although we’ve had our spats, I really love the girl — she makes me happy. However, my two best friends brought to my attention all at once this week a whole lot of stuff they’ve been sitting on. One being that apparently my girlfriend told my best friend, who she worked with, that she had met this girl in Delaware when she had gone up there about a month ago. She said that she had been talking to her, and there were things she could talk to her that she couldn’t talk to me about, and she invited her to go clubbing but didn’t know how to tell me that she had invited her and didn’t want me to be upset by it. (She ended up not going.) When I asked her about this, she said that she had met a lot of people in Delaware and there was no one who struck her interest in that way, and she is very conscious when she goes out that she is with me…I would be inclined to believe her because she has never given me even the least bit reason not to trust her, and I was on the phone with her for a lot of the time she was in Delaware…EXCEPT for what my other best friend told me.
My other best friend is also bisexual, and we were all over at her house hanging out. My girlfriend and my other friend went out for coffee; then I had to be home, and my girlfriend had left her keys at my friend’s house, so she went back there and apparently stayed to hang out. Now, a lot of that night was on tape, and my friend was incredibly drunk, which I saw, and it’s nothing too bad — just them all messing around, flashing the camera, okay, fine. But apparently my friend went to bed and my girlfriend got on the bed with her, bit her, and said, “I really wish I could take advantage of you right now.” My friend declined, but as she left, my girlfriend said, “We can never tell [me] about this.” This was like two weeks ago, and my friend just told me because she was afraid I would blame her.
So I thought, okay, it’s over, but this just didn’t sound like something my girlfriend would do; all the other people I’ve been with I would expect it of, but not her. So we talked, a lot; she says she wishes to God she could tell me it hadn’t happened, but she couldn’t remember much of that night and apparently she had to be picked up a few blocks from my friend’s house and driven home. The evidence says she lying, but my instincts say trust her, and I’m happy with her. However, my best friend is really pissed with me, but I told her it was my decision to stay with the girl at least for the time being and see how things go. I talked to the girl and said that trust had been broken, and no, there was nothing she could do to get me to trust her again, that it would take time.
So here we are. Neither one of my best friends wants to hang out with her, so I’m constantly stuck in the middle and it’s putting a strain on our friendship. But it’s my life and I refuse to give in to their pressure; I make my own decisions (stupid or not), and I’m aware that they might be dumb, but I’m doing what makes me happy now and I’m prepared to deal with the consequences, and if she breaks my heart I don’t expect anyone to pick up the pieces but me. Should I dump her now or just let it ride?
Signed,
No More Drama
Dear No More,
Okay…let’s compare what you say about the first dilemma with what you say about the second. In the first one, you basically say that you feel powerless to come out to your family, and that your brother is pretty much emotionally blackmailing you into keeping quiet; you feel cowed by that, so you’ve kept silent. In the second one, you make a point of saying that you make your own decisions and that it’s your life.
So…which is it?
Because I think what’s going on here is that you feel sort of helpless in one part of your life — or, more to the point, your sexuality — and as a result, you’ve decided to make a stand in another part of your life. And it’s understandable, but frankly, I don’t think your girlfriend is worth making that stand for. You say that you’re doing what makes you happy, but if you were that happy about it, I wouldn’t have gotten a letter on the subject…and I suppose it’s possible that your best friends just hate your girlfriend and want to get rid of her, but when two separate people tell you that your girlfriend semi-cheated on you on two separate occasions, I think it’s safe to convict on the circumstantial evidence there.
Dump her and concentrate on how much more of your family’s self-absorbed melodrama you want to put up with. If you’re bi, you’re bi; it’s not up to your parents to tell you “can’t” be, or up to your brother to manage your coming out. You won’t get much support from them, and that sucks, but if making your own decisions is that important to you, I think you should start by addressing that one.
Dear Sars,
Longtime reader, first-time writer, and I love the site. Can you stand one more question about cats? God, I hope so.
I have two cats, Harriet and Eloise (after two of my favourite books as a little girl, but I digress), who are sisters. They are humane society specials, but have lovely dispositions, and are happy around people. Great cats, usually — sure, they have their spats every now and again, but are generally good. However, there is one new habit that is driving me bonkers.
I moved about six weeks ago to a smaller apartment, and now every morning they start meowing outside my bedroom door at 5 AM to be fed. I have always fed them only a quarter cup of dry food twice a day at my vet’s suggestion, as Eloise tends to be a glutton, and would eat all of her sister’s food and weigh 20 pounds if I let them self-feed. I have never let them sleep with me, as they play and wake me up.
I usually feed them at 7 AM and 5:30-6 PM every day. The lack of sleep is starting to wear on me. People at work keep telling me how tired I look! Is there anything you can suggest to stop the meowing before I muzzle the little darlings?
Thanks,
Tired in Toronto
Dear T in T,
Aw, Harriet. Liked her a tomato sandwich, if I recall.
For now, just get up and give them a very small handful of kibble to shut them up — just four or five “grains” for each cat. You can train a dog to button the lip until breakfast time, but with cats, setting a bad precedent has the same effect as setting a good one, i.e. no effect at all, so in order to save your sanity, you should probably just give in.
Their current feeding regimen is relatively Spartan, and I don’t think a modest dawn snack is going to turn either of them into a tub. See how it goes, and if you see an alarming weight gain and/or they start pestering you more in other ways, revise the plan.
[7/8/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships workplace
