The Vine: July 8, 2004
Hmmm. How do I start? Anyway, I’ve always considered myself as pretty much a level-headed, cheerful and friendly person. But lately the pressure (for lack of a better word) of being nice and “trying to do the right thing” is somehow taking a toll on me.
A few months ago, a guy from our group of friends (let’s call him “Jack”) admitted that he had feelings for me. While Jack can be a very sweet guy, I told him to give me time to figure things out since I wasn’t sure how this will affect our friendship.
When things like this happen, I usually confide to David, who has been one of my closest friends for about five years. David has always been the guy I share my thoughts with, particularly when it’s about matters related to the opposite sex, him being a guy and all. Then, I recently found out that Jack has been confiding to David as well. While this is fine with me (since we do belong in the same group of friends after all), I was bothered when David accidentally let it slip that he tends to favor Jack’s thoughts than mine because he feels that he can relate to Jack more since he’s also a guy. I was a little upset and hurt when I heard that since we both have known Jack for less than a year while David and I have been friends way longer than that.
After discovering this, I decided to stop confiding in David. I thought, “What’s the point, he’s not gonna be able to relate to the things I say anyway?” I also figured that having two people confiding in him would not make things easier for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, David and I are still very good friends — I just stopped talking to him about Jack, which is quite disconcerting since I’ve been sharing these kinds of things to him for years.
While our other friends do know about the recent turn of events, I also refrained from talking to them about it since it would be weird if more people were involved. Jack and I tend to be sensitive people, so if things don’t go right — the less people involved, the better.
Am I being immature if I feel like it’s unfair that I don’t have anyone to talk to when it comes to this and for thinking that David’s reason (“Because I’m a guy”) was somewhat stupid and insensitive considering the fact that we’ve been friends for five years? And, what’s the best thing to do? Do I just keep quiet and hope for the best? Or do I confide in someone who’s not in our circle of friends even if that person and I are not that close? (Most of my close friends are also really good friends with Jack.)
Feeling a bit shut out
Dear Feeling,
David’s reasoning is dumb, granted — but maybe it’s a sign to you that it’s time for you to stop confiding and start deciding. Bouncing things off a friend is fine, but I’m not sure how much talking you should really need to do here; either you have feelings for Jack and you want to act on them, or you don’t and you don’t.
Sometimes you have to keep your own counsel and make your own choices; it sounds like now is one of those times. If you’re still working through the decision, that’s fine — you can buy a paper journal and do it there — but there’s only so much talking you can do to other people when, really, you should be dealing with Jack, not third parties.
I’m starting college in the fall. I’m commuting, a decision which was ridiculously easy to make. I absolutely loved my orientation -– well, not the bad food. But the people and the atmosphere were great. I even socialized, which is something that’s not exactly my specialty. I signed up for my classes and I’m pretty excited about them as well. Overall, I can’t wait for college to start. There’s only one problem. I’m ashamed about the college I’m going to.
See, in elementary school and junior high, I was…a bit of a geek. Gifted program, advanced classes, destined for the Ivy League. Wanted, in fact, to go to Harvard. And was totally competitive as far as school went. All of my friends were the same.
But once high school started, things got kind of off track. Because of some emotional problems, I stopped going to high school and started homeschooling through a correspondence program, losing all of my “gifted class” friends in the process. And it’s not like I could take AP classes through the mail, and I was going through social anxiety and depression and school phobia at the time…so academics were kind of put on hold. We didn’t even know if I’d be able to go to college. But slowly I got better, and even got a job as a receptionist and interacted with people again (and just recently got a new job with actual coworkers my own age!) and I decided that I did want to go to college.
And I decided to apply Early Action to the local state school. It’s a pretty good school, not highly competitive or anything, but a highly recommended school for education majors, which I plan to be. And it’s right near home, so I can commute, and it’s cheap, so I don’t have to rack up the student loans, and my mom already goes there part-time at night, and my best friend’s brother and his girlfriend go there, so I know people, and I actually took a class there this past spring just to get used to a classroom environment again and really liked the school.
And to be honest, it just seemed easier. There was no other school that I particularly wanted to go to, and this one seemed like a good fit, and I knew I’d get in with my grades and SAT scores what they were, and again… it was easy. Once I got in Early Action, I didn’t even bother applying to any other schools, and I’m basically happy with the college I choose. Except that I keep finding myself rationalizing the decision to other people, like I just did to you!
Whenever someone asks me what college I’m going to, I say something like, “Just BSC, you know, they say it’s really good for education and that’s what I want…” Like I have to explain why I’m going there and not Harvard. I knew I was doing it, but didn’t realize how bad it was until a few days ago, when one coworker asked me, “Why ‘just’ BSC? It’s a great school!” And I was shocked that she thought of it as a great school!
Then tonight, I was looking something up on the local public school website (the website of the school I left in the ninth grade and would have been graduating from last weekend if I hadn’t started homeschooling) and I noticed they’d listed the Senior Award recipients. And a lot of them were my old “gifted” classmates and former friends, people who’d either dropped me because I was “crazy” or with whom I just lost touch. And it got me really depressed that they were getting all of these awards and honors and had done so well and I said to my parents, grumpily, “None of them are going to BSC, that’s for sure.”
And my dad yelled at me, and reminded me that I liked the school and wasn’t being forced to go there, and chose it, and in fact applied only there. He said I shouldn’t be ashamed of my accomplishments (I could have gotten into a lot of other schools, just not Harvard) OR my decision to go to BSC when it’s where I want to go. And he said that I should just let my old classmates go (granted, a lot of why I got depressed tonight was just because I miss them and never got closure with them, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m ashamed) and be happy.
I agree that I should stop being ashamed of my soon-to-be college. I just don’t know how. And I guess that I also just want reassurance that it’s okay to be sad that my plans changed, and that my life now is so different from what I’d wanted. Oh, and if you could also tell me that I didn’t make a horrible decision, picking this college for its low cost and convenience and ease and familiarity first and its education program second? Because even though I think I made the right choice (again, there really wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to go!), a little part of me thinks I was just afraid to even consider going anywhere else and I’m a big wimpy loser. But mostly…any advice on how I can stop being ashamed of going to a perfectly good state college? Or should I just get the hell over it and stop whining?
Wishing I Could Ask For Advice Without Rambling For Two Pages
Dear Wishing,
“My life now is so different from what I’d wanted”? What are you, eighteen? Nineteen? Let’s not cue up “It Was A Very Good Year” just yet. Your life — or at least the good part — is just starting. It’s okay to be a little sad, or to wonder what might have happened if XYZ, of course — it’s natural, we all do it. But it’s time to look forward — to feel proud of yourself for overcoming some adversity early on, and to get ready to experience and enjoy the next phase of your life.
Besides, as I’ve said about a million times, where you went to school seems like it matters now, but in five years, you will understand, it doesn’t mean squat. What matters is what and how you study, the people you meet, and how hard you’re willing to work once you graduate. Harvard is fine, but four years is a long time to spend at a place on the strength of its name.
So, the next time you’re talking to someone about your plans, make a conscious effort not to deprecate yourself or BSC — and try to get excited about what you’ll be doing this fall instead of bummed about what you won’t be doing.
Sars,
I am an intern at a small-town newspaper. I like to think that my paper is better than our competitor, and I today I found what I think to be an error in one of their articles.
“Dealing with a lot of penned up anger, [man] got off to a rough start and was far from the model camper his first year.”
I always thought it was “pent-up anger” (with a hyphen). Webster’s lists “penned” and “pent” as transitive verbs, but lists “penned” first. Normal newspaper style is to take the first listed. What is right, and does it have a hyphen?
Oh, and do you ever get distracted looking things up in the dictionary? We just got our new Associated Press Stylebooks and I felt like a nerd for being excited. Please tell me I’m not alone.
Style Fiend
Dear Fiend,
You’re not. The primary reason I got teased in school for a good five years was because I made the mistake of admitting that I would “read” the dictionary. Funny how that shit stopped cold at SAT time.
Anyway. I believe “pent” is an archaic version of “penned” that you really only see in the context of “pent-up” — but with that said, I’ve never heard “penned-up,” and while I’ve seen “pent up” without the hyphen, I’m pretty sure it’s incorrect. Let me look it up…
…sorry, got distracted by the definition of “perfervid.” According to my Webster’s and its definition of “pent,” it’s an adjective meaning confined or repressed. The example given is “pent-up feelings” (italics theirs).
So, while I supposed “penned up anger” isn’t exactly wrong, “pent-up anger” is, I think, the standard usage for that expression, and is therefore preferred.
[7/8/04]
Tags: friendships grammar workplace
