I am having a phone call troubles and I need advice.

This semester in one of my classes we were assigned a very intense group project. I grouped with a few people I had classes with in previous semesters but we were just acquaintances at best. One of the girls in my group was very friendly and we had some common traits. We both care about our marks and wanted to do well on the project, which was good. We exchanged phone numbers, and this is when my problems began.

At first I noticed that she seemed to call me quite often just to chat. It was a little weird since I did not know her very well and she is 12 years older than I am but she was nice and has some pretty interesting stories to tell. I figured she was lonely because she lived on her own, her husband lives in another country and she lives apart from him by her own choice. I was fine with it at first because she only called once or twice a week. No big deal.

Then the calls started to intensify. On one Sunday my boyfriend and I went out for the day and when I came home she had left seven messages. I was only gone for one day! I called her back thinking it was urgent and asked her if something was wrong or if she found a problem in our project that needed immediate fixing, but it turned out she just wanted to chat, again.

Okay, so that was weird and the phone calls haven’t stopped. Even though the semester is over now she still calls me at least four times a day and not for little short conversations either. I usually start off the conversation by saying, “I can’t talk long” and she always says, “No problem, just one more thing…” and then the conversation turns into at least another 30 minutes, and I really don’t say much as I find they are very one-sided conversations all about her. When I mention anything about myself or what I am doing she always interrupts and brings the conversation back onto her.

And Sars, the conversations are so painful. They are always about how great she did in a particular course, how much an instructor loves her because she got a perfect mark on her midterm or how she won the scholarship for having the best marks. All great accomplishments and she has every right to be proud of herself. But damn, in my opinion, she should have great marks; she doesn’t work (never has a day in her life because her family and husband are very wealthy) and only takes a maximum of two courses in one semester. And it is not as though I get horrible marks, I have an A average, so I’m not jealous of her. It’s just I don’t want to listen to her bragging all the time. She once told me that people who have B averages are dumb which I find insulting because most of my friends have B averages and they are not dumb at all and I don’t feel as though a B average is something to be ashamed of.

Also, during one of our group meetings she yelled at one of my other group members for questioning her work because she got “100% in that course and how dare you question me or my work!” I felt so bad for him because she did it in the middle of a busy hallway, and he actually has to redo that course she was talking about in the summer and has a learning disability so sometimes he struggles with certain topics.

I didn’t want to talk to her much after that, so I tried not answering her calls and letting them go straight to the answering machine when I was busy studying. That doesn’t work. One night she called me five times in a row and I couldn’t take it anymore and I finally picked up and asked her what she wanted. It’s never important or urgent. She also calls me very late sometimes. I have had her call at 11:30 PM and 1 AM before because she is a night owl and likes to do her homework late. “Oh, did I wake you?” Yeah, you did, and I don’t want to about HER homework before I go to bed. I try telling her that it is a bad time to call and I’m not very nice about it, but she keeps talking anyway and short of hanging up on her, I don’t now how else to get rid of her.

Yesterday was a typical example. I told her the day before, on her third call, not to call me at all the next day because I would be studying and I didn’t want to be constantly interrupted. She agreed and said she would be studying too. The next day she called four times. About nothing. “Do you think I should drive or fly on my vacation?” “What hotel should I stay in?” I told her I was busy, she apologized and an hour later she called back. The same thing happened I told her I was busy and she called back but this time not until the evening. I finally answered her stupid questions, she dragged on for an hour because of course she had to disagree with me and then she stopped calling, that day.

So anyway, Sars, I am so frustrated. In summary I have tried avoiding her calls, telling her that I don’t have time to talk, and not to call me because I am busy. Nothing has worked. I think that she has very little respect for me or I’m not being stern enough. I also think that blocking her calls would be too drastic. I generally answer the phone every time it rings, especially if it is late, because I assume it is an emergency with my mom (she has cancer) or my grandpa (he is not in the greatest health and we’ve had some really serious scares over the past few years) or my boyfriend calling from work (I am always fearful he is going to lose an arm in the machinery during his afternoon shift).

Any advice would be helpful. I think I am going insane the phone rings so much.

Yours truly,
I’m a poor student; I cannot afford Caller ID as I can barely afford the phone!

Let me get this straight: you don’t like this woman, because she’s rude, a bore, and has no respect for you or your personal space; you no longer have to work with her on the project, so behaving with a friendliness you don’t feel is not necessary; and yet, when she calls you at a bad time, you pick up the phone anyway, and then, when you tell her you have to go and she keeps talking, you just let her talk.

Are you…kidding me with this? Come on. She’s practically harassing you, and you’re not just allowing it; you’re training her in exactly how to do it. She knows that if she calls enough times, eventually you’ll pick up. She knows that if she just talks over you, you’ll sit there like an invertebrate lump and give her an audience. She has no reason to believe that you want her to leave you alone, or that you don’t like her, or that she’s behaving rudely, because you don’t act like any of these things is true.

Toughen up, lady. Stop responding. “But –” No. STOP RESPONDING. Either change your phone number or invest in caller ID for a few months until you shake her off, but seriously — stop picking up the phone, at all, ever. Do not talk to her. Ignore her. If you do mistakenly pick up the phone, thinking it’s your mom, and it’s The Bore, tell her you have to go and HANG UP, but truly, truly, do.not.pick.up.the.phone. Notify anyone who’s supposed to be calling you that, until you get rid of this pest, the machine will be picking up — and stick to it.

The woman is, sad to say, lonely for a reason — she’s completely obtuse. This isn’t your fault; nor is it your responsibility. Do not pick up the phone again until you know she’s given up; do whatever you have to do to get rid of her. It’s going to be annoying for a few days, while she rings you constantly and whines into your machine, but do not give in to the temptation to pick it up just to get her to go away; that clearly doesn’t work. Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her. Eventually she’ll give up, but not until you make it clear that you want nothing to do with her — which you will have to do. Sack up and do it.

Hey Sars,

This is essentially: Do I tell them to fuck off or put them on my resume?

Three months ago I was hired as the copy editor/assistant for a teeny-tiny (six employees, including the owners) book publisher. Last Friday, I was fired. Happy birthday to me.

Bosslady’s primary reason for it “not working out” was their discovery of someone with a masters in publishing, and Bosslady’s sudden decision to groom a replacement boss. She also nervously babbled some supplementary reasons (wanting someone she didn’t have to “watch so closely,” and didn’t I want something I enjoyed more?), at which point my lip got a little quivery, and so ended that lovely meeting. Oh, and I was given a letter of recommendation and (potentially bullshit) promises of freelance opportunities on the way out.

Hmm. Okay. I’m nowhere near an MA (certainly not on paper), but I’m smart and capable and a helluva lot better than my resume speaks for me (just two years in publishing, only one of which was full-time as opposed to freelance), so I find it tough to believe that their expectations exceeded my job performance (I guess you’ll have to take my word for it, but I’m 25, a good employee, and this is the first time I’ve ever been let go for pseudo-performance-related issues). I loved the job for all of its three months, so the firing was absolutely out of nowhere. And it came just one pay period before my three-month initiation period was up (and after Bossman had lectured me at my hiring about how shitty it would be if I accepted the job and then left them). Pretty quickly, I started to think I’d been really screwed.

First off, doesn’t it sound like this MA thing was in the works from the get-go? Bosslady suddenly decided she wanted to retire and immediately found a qualified replacement? Or, as it seems to me, MA just wasn’t available right away, and they needed a space-filler, without which they would’ve had to farm out a ton of editing and proofing, and they still would’ve been screwed with the office work that needed doing (much of which I had to figure out on my own, as Bosslady was clueless in that department).

Plus, I think the letter of recommendation and the (potentially bullshit) freelance offer contradict any comments on my job performance, if they don’t cancel them out altogether. And with a little foreknowledge (hell, I would’ve taken a three-month contract from the start) I wouldn’t have turned down good job offers a week before I rejoined the unemployed. Of course, it’s their prerogative to arrange their workforce as they see fit, but this isn’t lining up in my head. Does it sound at least like I got a pretty shitty deal?

So, secondly, I’ve spent the last week fighting the instinct to send a bitchy email Bosslady’s direction. I walked out of there giving her a handshake and a polite “Thanks for the opportunity and the recommendation letter, and I’d be happy to do freelance.” But having pondered the situation, I think “Kiss my ass, lady, and you can shove your freelance” would be more appropriate. Okay, obviously I won’t send that letter, but if it really does sound like they screwed me, am I justified in changing my mind and shooting down any offers they might send my way? Aside from the financial ramifications (the occasional proofing job probably wouldn’t put me in the black, anyway), I guess the question is, does it sound like they gypped me in the professionalism department, and does that give me leave to return the favor?

And lastly (and perhaps most importantly), is this the kind of thing I can put on my resume? Yeah, they hired me, it was good experience while it lasted, and I’ve got a letter of recommendation from them (and a spot all ready on my resume, back when I assumed I’d be there a bit longer). On the other hand, they fired me, and that right quick, so I don’t exactly want to use it. And if I shoot down their freelance offers, I’ll probably wind up burning that little bridge anyway.

So, basically, is this a “They’re assholes, break off all contact with them” situation (which, I’m thinking, would be the case if this were a romantic relationship), or is it a “Suck it up and take advantage of what you’ve got” deal?

Signed,
It Still Hurts to Proofread

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Dear Take An Aspirin,

It’s a “suck it up.” Sorry. They went with someone more qualified; it’s certainly possible that they’d planned to do that all along, but they’re not really required to keep you on if what they really need in the position is someone with a masters who can move up to take over.

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck, because it does; I’m saying it happens all the time, and behaving petulantly isn’t going to “show” anyone; it’s going to bite you in the ass, because it’s unprofessional. If you don’t want to bother with their freelance work, fine; tell them evenly that you’re sorry, but you won’t be able to help them after all because you have other commitments, and leave it at that. But don’t go out all “how DARE you treat me this way.” It’s not fun, and it doesn’t seem fair, but until you get some more experience and have some more clout, this isn’t the kind of thing you get to make a big scene about.

Put the job on your c.v., get your nose back into joint, and go out on interviews — and that second one is key. Don’t walk into a hiring situation and start bitching about how you were hard done by, because that’s just going to give HR folk the impression that you take things too personally and don’t really get certain industry realities.

Just move on…quietly. Again, it’s unfortunate, but these things happen, and flipping them a metaphorical bird won’t accomplish anything; it’ll just make you look like a bitch, so skip it. Life isn’t a movie.

[7/8/05]

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