I have a dilemma that, while not a serious problem yet, could at some time in the near future become one, and I’m looking for advice from an outside observer as to how to deal with it. I’ll try to be as succinct as possible.

This is a problem that almost seems more applicable to a romantic relationship than one between friends, but in any case, here’s the situation: I have a friend (A), who I’ve known for many years, and with whom I have a long, up-and-down history. We’ve been close friends since high school, and were roommates for a couple of years post-college. Recently, I’ve been pulling away from her — or trying to, anyway. It’s not going so well, in part because she has few other friends in the area and clings to me for most of her social life. I’ve been somewhat sympathetic, but the reason she has few other friends is the same reason I’ve been pulling away: She’s incredibly difficult to deal with/get along with on a long-term basis. I won’t go into all the reasons here, but some of them will come clear when I explain the dilemma.

One of the few friends A has who she did not meet through me is her officemate (B). I was thrilled for A when she started making friends with B because for one thing, it meant that she had another social outlet than myself, but also because I was just genuinely happy she was finally starting to build a larger social life (she may be difficult to get along with, but I do genuinely care for her and want her to be happy).

Here’s the thing: I finally met B for the first time a couple of months ago, through an email exchange A started that included myself and B. B and I discovered that we had quite a bit in common with each other that A did not. We ended up emailing each other a lot over the next few weeks, and have since become friends. We’ve gotten together socially a few times. I’m invited to a party she’s having next week. Now, A knows that we’ve connected and email occasionally regarding the hobbies we share, but she doesn’t realize how close B and I have actually become. And B and I haven’t really talked to her about it because we’re both pretty sure A would feel left out and her feelings would be hurt (yes, I know it sounds like we’re in the third grade. Sadly, we’re well out of elementary school). My dilemma is whether or not I should let A know at some point that B and I are in fact good friends, or just continue to leave her out of it, with the possibility looming over me that at some point it will dawn on her and she’ll confront me and/or B (but most likely me) about it in tears or anger.

Now, I realize that, on the one hand, this sounds ridiculous, and I should just tell A to deal with it and move on, but in this particular instance I think that would result in more harm than good. I’ve known her for many years, and I know how she reacts to certain situations. She and I have already had a few altercations over the last few years over the fact that yes, I have a fairly large and active social life and she does not, and thus she feels like she’s always riding on my coattails. Every time that subject comes up, I have tried to deal with it as tactfully and diplomatically as possible, but it usually boils down to my telling her (sometimes kindly, sometimes bluntly) that her happiness is not my responsibility, that I love her and want to be her friend, but that I have other friends who do not necessarily get along with her and she has to accept that, and usually ends with my reminding her that she has been depressed and unhappy for a number of years, and I really think she would benefit from a therapist or somebody else to tell her troubles to than me, her one close friend, because I can’t help her any more than I already have and it’s not fair for her to expect me to always be able to fix things. All of this I firmly believe — I have never lied to her about my feelings about her mental health: it’s shaky, I know it, everybody else knows it, she needs to get help.

But this situation feels different to me because I’ve essentially hijacked her one outside friendship without meaning to, and I’m not sure where this falls on an ethical scale. On the one hand, I know I have a right to make friends with whomever I please, and I most likely would have become friends with B just as quickly if I’d met her through some other means. I also know that B has some of the same problems as I do with A (we had one brief conversation about that when we first started getting to know one another), and for that reason her friendship with A is about as close as it’s going to get, which is not as close as A and I are, and already not as close as B and I are. In addition, the hobbies that B and I have bonded over are hobbies that A is not particularly interested in, and has never shown any indication she would be, and therefore, it’s kind of pointless for us to include her in most of our interaction; she’d most likely be bored out of her skull and/or feel left out anyway because she couldn’t participate. On the other hand, B was A’s friend first (oy, back to the third grade), and I know how hurt and in some ways rejected A would feel if she were to realize how quickly we’ve gotten to be close.

So, my question is: If you found yourself in this situation, what would you do? Would you try to hint to A that you’ve been hanging out with B a fair amount, and will probably continue to do so, thereby implicity stating that she’s not invited? Would you never mention it to her and censor any conversation you might have that would involve talking about B or those interests, in an attempt to spare A’s feelings, to the extent that if the three of you ever hang out together you and B would have to pretend that you didn’t know each other as well as you do, and you’d both probably end up feeling like you were, in some weird, platonic way, committing adultery? And when I put it like that it just sounds ridiculous, but I’m honestly completely confused as to what the best course of action here is. I’d appreciate any insight you can offer here.

Caught between Two Friends and Hard Place

I think I’d probably mention, if the subject came up, that B and I had gotten quite close, and I’d thank A for introducing us because it’s great that B and I get along so well and have so many shared interests.

“But then the shit would hit the fan!” Well, yeah. Put on some old clothes and let it fly. A knows how you feel about the territoriality and the clinging, and it seems to me like, at least thus far, you’ve pretty much refused to let her disproportionate fragility dictate how you conduct your social life — why start now? You sound fed up with A anyway, and besides, A does not “own” either B or you; if she’s going to have a childish fit because you “stole” her friend, it’s really her business.

And if she does decide to have a fit, just tell her, “Look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but the fact that I got tight with B won’t interfere with my friendship with you unless you let it — which, actually, is what you’re doing right now, because this reaction is way out of line with what’s really going on, and you need to get a grip.” If she can’t get a grip, she can’t, but shielding her from the kind of situation she should have learned to handle in kindergarten is absurd, and it doesn’t help anyone, so stop doing it.

Sars,

This is probably one of the oldest problems known to mankind. I have a friend whom I’d love to drop as a friend, except that I like her husband a lot, and I don’t know what to do.

All of us are part of a large-ish late-20s/early-30s urban tribe, a motley crew of cohorts for drinking and eating and carousing. Every week there are one or more open-invitation gatherings where a big bunch of us get together. “Sally” comes to most gatherings (my fault — we met professionally and I invited her on a night out perhaps a year ago), but it’s become apparent that no one wants her there. She’s selfish, petty, cranky, superficial, judgmental, whiny, loud, and veers between passive-aggressive and simply aggressive. She never apologizes for ripping someone’s head off, and seems to see nothing wrong with things as they are. In short: no social skills.

However, her husband “Dick” is a quiet, smart, companionable, self-effacing sort who gets along famously with everyone. I think most of us feel bad for him, imagining ourselves married to someone like Sally, so we try to minimize scenes for his sake. “Well, anyway…” comes in very handy when Dick and Sally are about. But it’s been long enough now that we’re all quite weary of biting our tongues, and recovering gracefully from a Sally Moment gets tougher all the time.

I know that the first course of action when you have a problem with a friend is to talk to the friend already. But I wouldn’t know what to say, since it’s not one isolated issue or behavior; it’s that she’s a shrew, and I mean always. There’s not even anything in the relationship that I want to salvage; she’s not so much a “friend” as just “one of the group.” I just want to not have to deal with her attitude all the time, and I want hanging out with the group to be fun for all of us again — people are starting to not come to gatherings anymore for fear she will be there, and I miss my friends!

The actual question here is, if we want to be Dick’s friends, do we have to put up with Sally’s nastiness? If Sally were single, she’d’ve crossed our tolerance threshold and been told off long ago. If Dick seemed happier at home or had other friends in the area, we might’ve spoken up to Sally about her behavior and risked her taking her husband and going home. If our group had parties with actual invitations, we could possibly stop inviting her or both of them and let that send the message.

I am hoping you’ll have an answer beyond “Is Dick’s friendship worth the trouble Sally gives you?” Because the answer to that would probably be no, not because of anything lacking in him but because of what’s lacking in her. Still, I would feel worse than I can say about de facto booting Dick from the group (that would almost have to happen if we made Sally know she’s not welcome, wouldn’t it?), or about imagining him stuck at home with the shrew all weekend every weekend. He really is a nice guy, who, in my totally irrelevant judgment of their personal life about which I know almost nothing, deserves so much better than what he’s got.

Less Drama Than It Sounds, More Drama Than I Need

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Dear Less Drama,

Cutting a “friend” out socially always comes with a price, and in your case, the price is probably losing contact with Dick. You have to decide for yourself if that price is too high, but keep in mind — Dick married Sally. On purpose. And it doesn’t sound like he’s throwing the wife an elbow when she gets out of line, either. Do you see what I’m getting at here? Not that he’s not a nice guy, but maybe he’s too nice, all things considered.

Dick is a big boy; whether he has a happy marriage and another group of friends to hang with is really his problem, and he’ll deal with it or not as he sees fit. Your problem is that Sally’s obnoxious behavior has started to fragment the group of friends — a group, it bears mentioning, to which Dick didn’t belong before Sally muscled into it.

Just a few things to think about. Figure out if Dick is “worth” tolerating Sally for. If he’s not, do what you have to do.

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What the?

What is the physical difference between Anthony Rapp and Alan Tudyk. My head hurts from trying to figure it out.

Thanks,
Were these guys separated at birth?

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Dear Separated,

Rapp is the younger, more annoying one that looks like he probably spits when he talks. Tudyk is the one that you might consider sleeping with if you drank enough vodka. I hope that helps.

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Sarah, I’ve got a problem. In short, I fucked up.

I work at a small company, and recently I was promoted to management. I was thrilled to get the position, and I wanted more than anything to do a good job.

So I worked hard. I threw myself into every project, and tried to get everyone under me involved too. But with a couple of notable exceptions (one being a guy I’ll call “Danny”), my employees were much more interested in kicking back and doing the minimum than in really improving the company. (And believe me, it needs a lot of improvement. It’s a tiny business, and one person’s effort can make an immediate difference.)

So I went to my boss and asked her how I could motivate these guys. She basically told me I couldn’t. She said there wasn’t room in the budget for raises, and basically took the attitude that I had no business expecting more from them than they were giving. She also took me to task for complaining about one employee in particular (who really doesn’t do any work at all, but is best friends with the boss and is taking up payroll money that could be used to fund raises for those who are actually working).

I was stunned. The situation remained the same for weeks. The favoritism and apathetic attitude was more frustration than I could take, and my stress level went through the roof. With both Boss and employees (except Danny), it was like I was talking to a brick wall. I started out so idealistic, always praising people who did good work, always patient…but after a while the stress got to me, and I became a Mean Boss. I stormed around and snapped at people and generally acted like I had a stick up my ass. I tried to apologize to people when I crossed the line, but the one person I could never even bring myself to say I was sorry to was Boss’s Pet, the one who only gets off her lazy ass once in a blue moon, and leaves a job half-done if she starts it.

After a particularly bad confrontation with Boss’s Pet, and a plea to Boss to stop the favoritism, Boss decided she’d had enough. She demoted me.

Needless to say, I felt like shit. I was still a department head, like before the promotion, but a lot of my responsibilities were taken away. She gave my management position to Danny.

I want to be happy for Danny, since he’s always done good work and he deserved a reward, but this whole thing has been so painful that it’s hard not to be bitter. I told him there were no hard feelings, but in truth I feel utterly humiliated and ashamed. This was a very public failure, and I’m sure there are people who are delighted to see me shoved in the mud.

Yeah, the favoritism was (and is) bad, but still, I can’t believe I acted the way I did. How could I have been so arrogant? Didn’t I know there would be consequences? I don’t know how I’ll face these people again. I haven’t felt this shitty since high school.

What can I do? Is there any way I can earn back these people’s respect, or should I just move on? The thought of looking for a new job in this market (especially since a recent demotion can hardly look good on my résumé) is overwhelming, but so is the thought of staying here with these people who used to like me. Danny’s said he still wants to work with me, and wants my help and advice, but is he just trying to be diplomatic? Does this happen all the time? Am I making something out of nothing?

Help, Sars. I don’t know what to do.

Wicked Witch

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Dear WW,

Do your work. Keep your head down when you can; when you can’t, smile. Don’t complain; don’t explain. Find another job and get out.

If the management structure where you work is that meaningless, it’s not an environment you want to stay in. Expressing valid frustrations should not lead to a demotion — but it did, and you’ll have to explain that to HR people elsewhere, but they’ve heard worse. Sketch the situation for them in broad strokes, say you’ve learned a lot from the experience, and let them draw their own conclusions.

The economy sucks right now, so it might take a while, but get started lining something else up. The power structure is fucked, and you have no functional allies but Danny. Leave.

[7/9/03]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   etiquette   friendships   popcult   workplace