The Vine: June 1, 2000
Hi Sarah,My roommate moved in with me in February. Prior to her moving in, I lived in my two-bedroom apartment by myself. I am the only person on the lease, which expires this month. I didn’t know her when she moved in, she was the friend of a friend of a friend who was having boyfriend problems and needed someplace to stay for a couple of months while they worked things out. This has turned into a permanent arrangement (or at least as permanent as these things are) as her and said boyfriend are completely broken up now. We get along great, we have become friends, and she has said many times that she loves our living arrangements and wants things to stay like this for a long time.
Here comes the “but.” My boyfriend lives three hours away. And right now, I am at the point in my career where I am ready to move on and begin looking for another job (she knows this part). So, naturally, it makes sense for me to want to seek employment closer to my boyfriend (she doesn’t know about this part, and I am sure she would try to discourage me from doing so). Boyfriend and I have talked about this (and talked and talked and talked) and by October, I plan to be settled in my new town, with my new job, and my sweetie pie.
So, when do I tell her about this? I don’t want to tell her just yet, because I know she is going to be mad. Also, this is kind of selfish, but I don’t want her to move out yet either (remember, she’s not on the lease) because her paying me rent is really helping my savings account. I will probably give my employer, as well as the apartment complex, a month’s notice; does it seem cold-hearted to give her a month’s notice as well? Or should I wait until I actually start interviewing (probably in August)?
Other tidbits worth mentioning: everything in the apartment is mine, even most of the furniture in her bedroom, so I would basically be leaving her with nothing. I also found out that she has been talking with one of my friends (I am not supposed to know about this) about moving in with her. I don’t know if this is something that is going to happen or not, but they have talked about it.
Just call me
“Ready to make the move”
Dear Ready,
I don’t think it’s particularly cold-hearted to wait on telling her about your plans – as her roommate. A month is plenty of time for her to find a new place and buy her own furniture, and she’s evidently got plans of her own in this area, so I wouldn’t worry about “leaving her with nothing.” She’s a grown-up, and she’s not on the lease, so it’s your call – again, as her roommate.
But you say that the two of you have become friends, and as her friend, you should tell her upfront as things unfold. If I lived with someone I considered a friend, and one day the friend told me all business-like that I had a month to move out, and it became evident that the friend had had her own move planned far in advance – well, I’d feel a little put out at the lack of trust there, not to mention the implication that I’d padded her savings with money I could have used on a deposit on a place of my own.
If you really consider her a friend, and you want to stay friends with her, tell her now and let her decide for herself. But if you favor the business arrangement over the friendship – and there’s nothing wrong with that – a month is adequate notice.
Tags: etiquette friendships
