The Vine: June 1, 2001
Here’s one for you.
I’m the youngest of three siblings.My brothers are 10 and 11 years older. Brother 1 and I live in the same city, which is about two hours away from my parents.I see him every month or so, and the four of us (parents, big bro, and me) are on pretty good terms.
Other brother lives on the opposite side of the country, about as far away as you can get without leaving the continent entirely.The last time I saw him was 10 years ago, last phone conversation 5 years ago.I think in the intervening years he has spoken to my mother a couple of times.
He has been married twice, and we’ve never been to the weddings.In fact, we’ve only ever found out about them after the fact.The most recent time, his new wife sent us a card with a photo of them and their dog as a self-introduction.He didn’t sign the card.
Last year, my mother got a letter from Wife asking for childhood photos/memorabilia so she could make a scrapbook for Brother 2.Thrilled, my mother dug up all his old athletic awards, school certificates, and lots of photos of cute little Baby Brother 2, and sent them off.Wife seemed dissatisfied and asked for more photos of the whole family together.Mom dug up more photos, this time all the way up to one photo from the last time we saw him (he moved to our hometown at the same time we were moving away from it, there was overlap, we managed to track him down before we left).
Soon after, Wife called my mother in some distress.Turns out that she wanted the photos because, although Brother 2 seldom talks to her about his childhood, she was under the impression that my brother’s father was Mom’s first husband, and my father her second.The “stepdad” was an okay guy, according to Brother 2, but his “real” dad abused him physically and sexually.
Thing is, as she could tell from the photos, we’ve got the same dad.Only the one.There was never a point where my parents broke up and got back together, when another dad figure might have been on the scene.We never had a live-in relative or family friend stay with us for an extended period. So Wife says our dad must have abused Brother 2.
Neither I nor Brother 1 ever had anything like this happen to us, and my father must be crushed (both at the thought of the accusation, and the thought that ANYONE ever hurt his kid).I have no idea what the exact events are that Brother 2 remembers, but there would have been many opportunities for him to run into some creep who hurts little boys; he belonged to so many activity clubs and teams as a child.Still, his memories seem to point to our father.I know nobody ever expects someone they love to be abusive, but I just can’t see it.(Even my mom would be a likelier choice; I get my craaaaaaazy temper from her.But Even-Keeled Sensitive Dad?)
So far as I know, nobody in my family has talked about this since my mom first told me (in fact, I’m a little surprised she told me at all).I’ve wanted for a long time to try getting in touch with Brother 2, and haven’t been able to, but now that I realize he’s been cutting us out of his life for a reason, I’m hesitant to cause him pain by contacting him.
I have no idea what to do here; for one thing, if Brother 2 was really abused by some asshole coach, teacher, neighbour, or whatever, surely we should be trying to find out.He could still be out there somewhere.On the other hand, if it was my dad…well, this is awful, but I don’t think I want to know.Meanwhile, life goes merrily on as if nothing ever happened.Argh, I don’t even know how (or with whom) to bring it up.
What Would Sars Do? (I should get a pen made.)
Youngest Sibling
Dear Youngest,
I have no idea what you should do, but — and I hesitate to say this, because I have very little experience with childhood abuse (thank God) and I don’t wish to cast aspersions on what may be a legitimate form of coping for your brother — something about Brother 2’s story doesn’t quite add up.The whole “stepdad was an okay guy” thing…the fact that he goes out of his way to avoid your family, and then the new wife does a bunch of sketchy detective work to figure out what happened in his past…you and Brother 1 not remembering anything of the kind yourselves…something’s off here, and I can’t quite put my finger on what.I wouldn’t say that he’s lying, your brother; I don’t have enough information to say either way.But something’s not right.
And I don’t really have enough information to tell you what to do next, either.I’d suggest therapy for your entire family, but if y’all haven’t spoken about it since Wife made her accusation, I don’t know that that’s something your parents would go for.As for contacting your brother, well, I don’t think you’ll get the answers you need from him.You might have to give him up the way he’s given you up.
In the short term, here’s what I’d advise — talk about the situation with Brother 1.He’s the only one with even a modicum of objectivity.He’s the one who’s closest to Brother 2 in age; maybe he can shed some light on things.
I wish I could give you more to work with, but every answer I think of just poses more questions.
Dear Sarah,
Hi. I’m a seventeen-year-old who’s never had a boyfriend. I’ve just recently begun dating, and I seem to have stumbled upon a slight problem. I can’t stand boys touching me. I’m not saying that the boys I’ve been out with (all three of them) have tried to grope me, grab me, or pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do. However, even semi-innocent touching (hand-holding, him putting his arm around my shoulders) makes me extremely uncomfortable. I kissed one of them, more because he seemed to expect it than because I wanted to, and I felt dirty and guilty for the next few days.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t mind hugging my friends, so it’s not a “Don’t touch me!” issue. I’ve never been abused or molested, so it’s not a throwback to that. The only thing I can think of is that, when I was younger, I was really obsessed with staying a virgin (which I still am). Is this why I don’t like boys touching me? Have I warped myself forever? Am I a lesbian? I’m really confused and from an ultra-conservative family, so it’s not really something I can talk about to my parents. Please help me.
The Untouchable
Dear Untouchable,
Maybe your past — your “ultra-conservative family,” your commitment to staying a virgin — is making you feel guilty for indulging in nookie in the present.Maybe the unfamiliarity of it makes you nervous.Maybe you just don’t feel a genuine attraction to the guys you’ve dated so far…and that doesn’t make you a lesbian, necessarily.It just means that those particular guys don’t do it for you.And maybe you do prefer girls to boys That Way, but I don’t think that’s it, because you mention feeling “dirty and guilty” about kissing that one guy, so I suspect that you’ve got some sort of spiritual conflict with it.
I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, in the end, but there’s nothing wrong with you.Every person approaches the whole dating/sex thing at his or her own speed and from his or her own angle, and you should give yourself as much time as you need to get used to it, without judging yourself too much.
Here’s what I’d suggest.If you don’t keep a journal already, start one now.Write down how dating and touching makes you feel; don’t censor yourself, because nobody will read it but you, so even if you think it’s stupid and you feel embarrassed even thinking it, write it down anyway.Whenever something occurs to you about the situation and your feelings, make a note of it in your journal.See if you can spot certain themes and patterns in what you’ve written — like, say, if you feel more uncomfortable and tense about it at certain times than at others, or if there’s a particular kind of touching that bugs you more than other kinds.Maybe that will help you get to the bottom of it.
Or you could talk to a therapist or social worker about your feelings; if you don’t want to get your parents involved, call your local Planned Parenthood or family-planning clinic.They hear from freaking-out teenagers all the time, and they can suggest someone for you to talk to confidentially.But until then, don’t feel bad about yourself because you’re not “into it.”Just accept that you have an issue with boys touching you for some reason, and that you’ll work it out eventually — and if you don’t want boys to touch you until it is worked out, you don’t have to let them.
Dear Sars,
I am, to quote Erykah Badu, “in a situation.”I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. The first year and a half of our relationship was long-distance (I was in school), but he then moved to be with me, and has since made our new locale his home.We’ve had our share of strife, mostly (okay, entirely) on my part, from being caught cheating on him in the first year of our relationship to the reams and reams of emotional baggage that he has helped me work through.
He is very much a “thinking” person, and I’m very much a “feeling” person. This has been immensely helpful to me, because he’s always been the stable one, and I’ve been able to have my crazy ups and downs and end up more or less all right.He is also extremely thoughtful and warm with me, even though he doesn’t have any point of reference for all the stuff that makes me feel like I’m losing my mind some times.We also have very different values and goals and expectations, it seems. Whereas I am someone who will often neglect those closest to me in order to direct my energy towards saving the world, he is a misanthropist that couldn’t give a rat’s ass about humanity, but never walks by me without petting my forehead, or telling me he loves me, et cetera.
This discrepancy has caused flare-ups and bafflement on both sides for years, but I feel like I am starting to lose patience for it, and feel resentment building.I start a harrowing new project, and come to bed weepy because it is fucking me up, and he looks really confused and says “Well, you knew it would be tough, didn’t you?”Or I am learning about some new thing, and I can’t stop talking about it, and he either pooh-poohs it or plays devil’s advocate, arguing the other side, just because that’s the way he is.He doesn’t do either of these things with malicious intent, and can’t figure out why I get so hurt and end up shutting down about it.
That’s all preamble, I guess.The long and short of it is this: I want out.It is at the point where he is the last person I tell about anything, because he is the least likely to be as excited as I am.I want to go careening off into wherever circumstance takes me, but he’s more of the “9-5 job until retirement” mindset.Also, I need to say, I seem to be having a fair bit of success in an area in which he claims to have aspirations, and yet I’ve rarely seen him ever take steps towards realizing them.I also feel like I have to hold his hand and walk him through a lot of basic stuff, like paying bills through a bank machine or paperwork connected to his job.This is something I didn’t used to mind doing, because he takes care of me in many other ways (domestically, emotionally), but lately it just makes me grit my teeth. I think this is a symptom of my feeling more or less stuck.I’ve never split up with anyone before.He is a sweet sweet man, and he really cares about me.I kind of get in a space where I think I am ready, but then I get a flash of some little detail like separating our CDs, and the whole thing starts to feel too real, and I feel panicky and sick. At the same time, I crave time with people who have the same passions as I do, and the same way of viewing the world.I can feel myself changing when he enters my perimeter, and I don’t like it.
I’ve never been good at self-censoring, but I’ve been even worse at initiating strife within my personal relationships.
Gosh I’m sorry this is so long,
Little Trouble Girl
Dear Little Trouble,
Hey, that’s my Indian name.
You need to tell him everything that you just told me — that you don’t like having to defend yourself to him, that you feel smothered, that all the things the two of you don’t have in common have begun to wear you down.It’s going to chart somewhere in the top ten on the “Suckiest Conversations You’ll Ever Have” list, but you’ve got to do it, because seething will just make things worse.So, put it all out there, and when you’ve finished, tell him that you love him, but you believe that the two of you need a break.Grab the bag you’ve packed and make yourself scarce for a few days.
When you live with someone, it’s really hard to see the relationship clearly because so many quotidian details obscure the view — socks on the floor, whose turn to go shopping, blah blah blah — but it’s those same quotidian details that sometimes tie you to people you should really cut loose from.
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to bring the pain.It’s hard to do.So, start slowly.Tell him you feel unhappy, and that you want to take time — a month, two months, six — to think things out by yourself.You can still talk to each other, and see each other, but you need to get out of that apartment for a while and clear your head, even if you know already that a break-up is what you want.
Tags: boys (and girls) sex the fam
