Hi Sars!

A couple of months ago I was browsing in a used
bookstore and bought a massive, unabridged, library-style dictionary.I cannot tell you how many hours I
have spent looking up words and being a big dictionary
dork with my new book.

Once in The Vine you suggested that someone look
something up in a British dictionary.That was all it
took to make me covet a massive, unabridged, library-style dictionary of British English to take up the
rest of my free time.

The problem is, I can’t figure out how to tell if a
dictionary is British English or American English.I
tried looking on Amazon.co.uk but the dictionaries
there seem to be the same ones as on Amazon.com.I
tried looking other places, but since I don’t know
quite how to distinguish between American English and
British English, I’m kind of stuck. I was assuming
that ones published anywhere in the U.S. aren’t what I
want, but I’m basically out of ideas.

I was hoping that you could point me in the right
direction and tell me what I should be looking for.

By the way, once I get my British English Dictionary I’m
totally getting stands for my massive dictionaries and
embrace the dictionary dorkiness that is growing
within me.

Thanks,
Let Me Go Look Up A Good Pseudonym

Hiya Sars, you purveyor of wisdom, you,

I moved out from my parents’ home about two months ago, into a house a few miles away with two good friends of mine and my boyfriend.Though I’m 21, the transition was not necessarily the easiest in the world for me, and I’ve spent a good portion of time just getting used to things.

Being as such, I’ve tried to not fly off the handle about a lot of stuff regarding the house and arrangements.I have tried the discussion method with the roommates when things get me upset, and though one of those conversations actually had to be carried out over IM (though we were in the same house), we have been working through our issues for a good portion.However, there is one thing from the last few days that really bothers me, and I’m not sure what is the most diplomatic way to address it.

Both of the guys that I live with are from out of town, and since our various friendships and relationships have started, I’ve developed close relationships with their friends at home as well.As a gift to our household for the holidays, our friends and their families out there chipped in and got us a $150 gift card to a local superstore.It was a really nice gift, and was brought up while two of our friends stayed with us on New Year’s Eve.Here’s where the problem comes in, though.

I worked New Year’s Eve until five.I knew that the group planned a snack and booze run for our New Year’s party, and planned to kick money toward the tab when I got home if they went shopping without me.Well, apparently they went to the superstore, and the bill for the liquor and food turned out to be a bit high.To the tune of $90.(We won’t go into the fact that all the food I saw was two bags of chips, dip and a tub of ice cream, or how much they must have overpaid for the drinks.)Being so high, my roommates decided to use the recently acquired gift card to pay the bill.Later in the evening, my boyfriend told me about the gift, and then that they had already managed to spend over half of it without me.Because he’s my boyfriend, it’s easier for me to let him know how much that bugged me, and how rude I thought it was to use a gift that was in part mine without talking to me.He agreed that it wasn’t thing to do, and said that we should talk about it in a group.

I’m all for that, since I guess this is how roommates behave, but here’s my question.What should I shoot for as a result of this conversation?Honestly, part of me wants to ask for the last of the card and spend it how I want (which would still be things for the house) as I was not included in the previous purchases.Or should I just ask that we spend it all together?Or that I be given a straight quarter of the original gift card?Or (and that was the last one, I promise) should I just say the hell with it, stop thinking of all the productive ways we could have spent it, and let it go?I don’t want to be petty here, but I can’t help but feel slighted, as this was a gift for me, too.

I don’t know.What would you do?

Signed,
Rather Parenthetical, Aren’t I?

Hey Sars,

Okay, so I have a real, actual, honest-to-goodness tough situation I’m
looking at and I need a little advice.Although this largely involves a
relationship between two people who aren’t me, our lives overlap in a way
that has made this my problem as well.

Let’s consider my best friend for many years and current roommate, the Grace
to my Will, M.She is a great girl, blunt without being tactless, smart,
and fiercely independent and responsible.Despite going to college in
different states, our relationship actually strengthened over those four
years and we now love living together (we graduated in May ’03).

M has pretty much always had a boyfriend.Guys don’t just like her, they
fall over themselves to be with her and maintain intense crushes for years
at a time.Sometimes her relationships have been hazily defined, and often
she seems to stay with guys not out of any particular attraction but simply
because they like her and, I can only guess, she figures “why not?” if she
can’t find anything so bad that she can’t stand it.

Throughout college she was with what is probably the one love of her life,
E.Things later in college went awry as their relationship faded and
finally at the end of her senior year she started seeing B, who professed to
have had a crush on her for years and said before they even started dating
that he could see himself falling in love with her.

So when I met B, he seemed fun, and I was happy for M to be starting a new
relationship finally after she had been complaining about her
quasi-boyfriend E for years.They ended up living a few states apart for a
few months, seeing each other on weekends, until finally B decided — on a
whim — to move to M’s neck of the woods.This is right as M and I (and our
other roommate, V) had just moved into our new apartment.B actually came to stay
one weekend and then spontaneously wanted to move in with us while he looked
for a new place and planned to just quit his old job by phone.No one was
thrilled, and B seemed oblivious to our reluctance and gentle suggestion
that he be more planful.

Long story short, although we managed to stall him for a week or so, he went
ahead with his plan and spent weeks attempting to find work while living off
of us.B and M’s relationship strained.B began to drive me nuts, as I was
in the midst of a job search myself and was repainting and fixing up the
apartment.I started to see B’s many issues — he behaved like a child,
literally, right down to the giggling and play-fighting that often ended up
in big bruises on M (always accidental, but nevertheless there).He was
impulsive and despite being deeply in debt and jobless, he continued to
spend frivolously.It was not a happy situation.

Finally B found a place and moved out.In what he later claimed was an
attempt to realize how great their relationship was, B suggested that he and
M break up (kind of absurd reverse psychology/manipulation).M thought it
over, and decided it was a good plan, but B instantly regretted it.Rather
than have time apart, however, they continued to spend most of their free
time together, and B made every attempt to get them back together, and would
do things like showing up at M’s work just to kiss her without asking.She
didn’t take it too well and every other day seemed to be upset about how
things were going, yet inexplicably continued to spend time with him.I
kept reiterating that I felt like they needed a BREAK to deal with being
apart before becoming friends again, but she ignored my suggestion.

Finally it all came to an awful confrontation one night where the three of
us went out.B and M ended up confronting each other, and M cried in the
middle of a club dance floor because she was so upset — and this is a girl
who I had never seen cry in six years.Rather than leave — the sensible
thing to do — B hung around, and even as M and I tried to salvage the
evening, he continued to make it worse.After some troubled attempts at
getting home via public transporation, we finally cabbed it and I decided
that rather than follow through with an initial plan to stay at B’s, I just
wanted to get home and out of that messy situation.Since I was on the way,
I hopped out early and just said, “Hey, you guys deal with this, this is not
my drama,” and left.Turns out after I was gone an incredibly angry (and
drunk) B got really loud and shouted at M in an alley.M, in tears, told
him to please stop, she just wanted to go home, and things culminated in B
shoving her against a wall (for reference — M is 5’3″ and about 105 pounds,
B is 5’11” and 175 pounds).Not good.

They end up showing up at my
apartment, and as I go to comfort a sobbing M, B shouts at me that I am an
asshole and then tells me he’s sleeping on my couch.Confused, exhausted,
and unable to really understand what was going on (somehow I thought he was
implying that I had made M so upset, which in turn upset me extremely
because at this point I had no idea what had happened or why), I just went
to bed.

Once I learned what had happened I was furious with B.I didn’t want to see
him again really — you don’t get physical with my best friend and then call
me names — and M at least made the wise decision to avoid him for awhile,
eventually confronting him with a letter detailing just how much he had hurt
her emotionally.A couple weeks passed, however, and M eventually started
hanging out with B again, slowly returning to the near-daily time together
they had before.I asked not to be around them — B was a guy who had
screwed with my best friend’s head and verbally attacked me in my own home.
Finally realizing that if I wanted M in my life, B would be around too, I
sucked it up and behaved civilly when he was around.He seemed to think we were
best buds, demonstrating his inability to read other people.

Now we get to today. This past weekend, M finally confronted her old boyfriend E
(who she felt she would always get back together with) over the phone, as
after months of living apart E had basically made no attempt to get in touch
with M despite M’s near-daily calls (mostly all after the breakup with B).
I was there again for this conversation (she was on a cell in my car while
we were driving) and once again saw M cry.Three days later, she tells me
that she and B fooled around.This had “bad idea” written all over it to
me, and every fiber of my being wants me to say, “STOP! THE GUY IS NOT IN
CONTROL OF HIMSELF!”I witnessed how he basically destroyed her and played
mind games with her in the past and I just don’t know what to say or what I
can say, or how I’m going to deal with being around them in the increasingly
likely situation that they become an item again.

I’m trying to stay out of
the way here and keep my thoughts to myself, but I don’t believe 100% that B
wouldn’t do something potentially traumatic again — I doubt he’d be
physical again (but I’m scared by the fact that I don’t think it’s
impossible), but I could easily see him being emotionally manipulative, and
I just don’t think this is good for M at all.M is normally an incredibly
level-headed person who doesn’t take crap from people, but I think the
allure of being with someone who is attracted to her no matter what she does
(and somewhat comforting when she’s realizing she’s otherwise out of
potential boyfriends) has blinded her to just how miserable she was with
this guy just a few months ago, and how much pain he caused her.

So I guess all of this extensive backstory boils down to this question — as
M’s best friend, do I have any right to be telling her just how bad an idea
I think this is?And how on earth do I continue to hang out with M and B if
the whole time I am resenting B’s presence?A decision like “I’ll only hang
out with you if B isn’t there” seems severe, and frankly would probably mean
that I would rarely see her, not to mention the difficulties of such an
ultimatum when M and I are roommates.I feel like M’s life would be better
without B, and my dislike of him is starting to strain M and I’s
relationship.But I also know that this is M’s decision and I can’t make it
for her.Oh, Sars, what do I do?

Thanks in advance,
Am in the front row, or am I part of the show?

Dear Sars,

I have two completely unrelated questions for you.

First off, a little background.I’m a junior at a
state school, living in the dorms.My major,
elementary education, was decided by myself in the
sixth grade.I’m on my second roommate for the year,
my first having moved out without even bothering to
tell me, a month and a half into the school year.My
new roomie, who moved in on October 30th, has slept
here a total of four times, which leads me into my
first question.

When it comes to her actually sleeping here, I’m not
exagerating with the four nights, I kept track.But
anyway, even when I do see her, it is usually for
three or four hours during the day, i.e. after lunch,
until now.For the last two days, she has been coming
in early in the morning.Normally, I wouldn’t have a
problem with this, but she is being ungodly loud.She
flip-flops around in her uh…flip-flops, slams
drawers and cupboards, and generally is very loud.
This is really an issue due to my sleeping habits and
needs.I have had seizures in my past, not due to
epilpsey, and am on medication for it.These
seizures are brought on by lack of sleep, so you can
see where the whole her waking me up early is a
problem.I try to time it so I can get at least eight
hours of sleep a night, but if this keeps happening, I
don’t know what I should do.

I can only guess why she does this, due to the fact
that I haven’t even seen her for more than five minutes
in the last week.Since I’m kind of a slob, I spent five
hours avoiding homework and cleaning my side of the
room, hoping that does it.This has only happened
twice, so I don’t even know if it’ll happen again, but
if it does, what should I do?These last two days, I
just rolled over and attempted to fall back asleep,
but that didn’t work, so I got up at 8:30 this
morning, and with no job or real responsiblities
beyond school, this sucked hard.

And now, my brilliant segue into my next problem: okay,
not really, but here it goes.I am, theoretically,
three semesters away from graduation.Due to this, I
feel as though I should feel more ready to become a
teacher, but I am seriously freaking out.Teaching is
such a huge responsibility, and I don’t know if I can
handle it.I think one of my biggest fears is the
writing and execution of lesson plans, but I don’t
really know why.I’ve had to write two units in
different classes, and gotten a 100 on both of them.
I don’t know.I guess what I’m asking is this kind of
anxiety normal for someone approaching graduation?If
I’m getting this worked up now, what’s it going to be
like when I’m actually in a classroom?I just don’t
want to fuck up myself or some poor kid because I made
a poor career choice.

Thanks in advance,
Freakin’ out in college town

Dear Sars:

Thanks for the site. Spot-on advice.

God help me for this. I’m in a new relationship and
acting like a dweeb already. I’m a woman in my middle
thirties, and though I’ve dated your basic amount, and
even had a very, very casual boyfriend the past six
years, I haven’t had a close, normal relationship, the
kind where you bring him home to meet the parents,
since I was 18 years old.

In my early twenties a boy I really liked broke up with me
abruptly three months into the relationship, when I
was still in the lovey-lovey stage. I hadn’t seen it
coming. He told me I was too needy and too clingy,
humiliating the hell out of me. He didn’t like me
spending all night in his bed or, hello, kissing him.
I know, I know: his fault, not mine. He Had Issues,
et cetera. We got back together, and I set out to prove how
little I needed to be with him, or how independent I
could be. Of course that didn’t work. But, man, I’ve
gone so far out of my way for well nigh on ten years
now to prove my unneediness and unclingines that I’ve
forgotten how these things work. I am so very afraid a
man will accuse me of those things again.

Anyhoo, so I meet said boy about three months ago, he
gives me lots of compliments and attention (which of
course raises my bullshit alert detector. But it
seemed to be for real). I very hesitantly try to
respond in kind, though it makes me very anxious and
afraid. I’m also afraid he’ll pull the rug out of me
for some crazy reason that’s in his head during these
first months of the relationship. I spend so much time
anticipating what that thing could be, I can’t enjoy
our time together.

That’s all background. My question is this. After a
lot of talk about spending three days a week together,
doing that a little, and phone calls nearly nightly
back and forth, all that seems to be dying down. Now I
don’t get a daily email, he doesn’t call until very
late on the day we’re supposed to get together. And we
spend one weeknight and one weekend together. This is
all fine with me, but has me very, very jumpy. I
actually would like more time together, reassurance,
and the courtesy of a call earlier in the evening the
nights we’re supposed to hang out. Also, I am dearly
afraid to ask him to meet my family, for fear he will
think me too invested in the relationship, too
interested in him.

How in the hell do I quell my anxiety and actually ask
him these things. If I ask him to drive three hours to
attend a family party, what happens if he tells me I’m
being “too serious.” Should I speak with him about my
fears?

I completely don’t know how to do any of this. Have I
mentioned I am 33? Yeah. Whatever.

Thanks,
Inexperienced in love