Dear Sars,

Maybe you can give me an outsider’s opinion and some advice regarding one of my best friendships:

I met my friend, C, when we were kids — specifically, he was 10 and I was 12. Our families were neighbors for about three and a half years, and C and my brother E, who is C’s age, were best friends. E, C, and our brothers M and S were pretty much inseparable; over time, our families became close and C and I became good friends, too. It’s funny, but way back then, C always had this big crush on me. But we were kids! He was younger — I just would never let myself see him that way. I always thought he was something special, but he was just my friend.

Anyway, the summer after my freshman year of high school, we moved to another state; a year later, C’s family moved to yet another state, and for about two years we all pretty much fell out of touch. But the summer after my junior year, my dad and his stepdad thought it’d be fun to get us all together again — so our families went on vacation together, and that trip was a lot of fun. C and I got reacquainted and really hit it off — we struck up a long-distance friendship, and despite some ups and downs — it’s hard to stay close to someone you rarely see in person — we’ve maintained a friendship for about four and a half years.

Problem? We’ve harbored feelings for each other since that trip when I was 17, and the two times we’ve been together since then — the summer I was 18, and this past summer (I’m 21), those feelings have resurfaced strongly and we’ve been pretty intimate.

So basically, it’s the great frustration of my life: he’s the one major “what if,” and it’s so confusing — trying to say “just friends” when we know we’d try dating if we were in the same place. But even though we want to keep things light — and I have tried harder to do that then he has — we find ourselves illogically sad and hurt and a bit jealous when one of us dates someone else, or when one of us can’t just pick up the phone or go see the other when we need to talk because schedules don’t coincide or it’s not financially feasible. So then we wind up not speaking for a while to protect our feelings, but inevitably one of us — usually me — calls the other, and the cycle repeats itself. It’s hard.

And it’s harder still because I know a part of me will always love him, and this “what if” will continue to haunt me — but in reality, we’ve never been involved in a practical, day-to-day sense of the word. For all we know, we could date for a bit and drive each other crazy, especially given that we’re pretty different personality-wise. Then also, there’s practical stuff — he is younger then me, and occasionally he does things that seem a little immature. And he joined the Marines Reserves right after high school, so not only do I worry about him, but to be honest, I’d never choose to be involved with the armed forces if it weren’t for him, as much as I do respect his commitment to serve.

So…what do I do? Do I completely cut him out of my life in order to move on and get him out of my head and my heart once and for all — and give up one of my best friends in the world? Or do one of us take the risk and move near the other as soon as that’s a financially viable option? But really — would it be insane to move your entire life to be close to someone when you’re not even sure it’d work out? Granted, there’s not much left for me in my hometown once I graduate from college (in yet another state), but I’m just not an impractical person, and he has much stronger social network and his Reserves unit in his state — I could never ask him to leave all of that.

So…what do you think, Sars? Where is this going?

Thank you,
Lost Cause Out West

Dear Lost,

I assume you’ve talked all of this out with C, and if you haven’t, you should — you should try to come to a decision together — but if that’s not getting you anywhere, you should come to a decision, period, stick to it, and move forward with things one way or the other.

I don’t think it’s all that horrible an idea to move near him and see what happens, if he’s behind that plan; yes, it’s a big move, yes, it could blow up on you, but you can say that about so many things, and at 21, you’ve got plenty of room time-wise to take risks and make grand gestures.As I’ve often said in this space, it’s better to regret doing something than to regret doing nothing.

But if you just can’t justify it to yourself, that’s okay too — the key is to decide one way or the other how things are going to go, and make them go that way, and if you decide to cut off contact for a while, well, it’s just for a while, and it’s just so you can put these feelings aside and come back to the friendship later.

Choose.Do it soon.The longer you let it stay a “what if,” the more control it exerts over the rest of your life.

I could use some advice about my current living situation. My current roommate (let’s call her “L”) and I were good friends in college. We had a great time going to parties and bars with each other and gossiping about mutual friends. We began living together about a year after we graduated, and although we both had full-time basically 8-to-5 jobs, we still liked going to parties and bars, and commiserating as we tried to figure out how to transition from college students to “adults.”

However, about a year into living with her, I started to feel like we were growing apart. I began to feel like we had less and less in common. I sit in an office-building cubicle, while she deals with preschoolers all day. I am really happy in my job and don’t plan on switching careers, while she has had doubts about what she wants to do with her life. I began a serious relationship, just as she and her boyfriend were breaking up. “L” and I would still go out together, but it seemed like she always wanted to stay out later than I did, and she was always meeting people I had no interest in talking to. In a nutshell, I feel like I’m not really the same person I was when she and I became friends, but she is pretty much the same person she was. We drifted into a relationship where we were basically roommates and no longer really friends. Nobody’s fault, that’s something that happens. For that reason, I’ve been considering getting my own place. But there’s a catch.

“L” told me a few months ago that she was diagnosed as bi-polar. I was really surprised because I had never noticed anything that I would consider a symptom. Sure, she has ups and downs, but I think everyone does. Anyway, she began taking medication, and then I noticed that what could be considered symptoms became even more pronounced (although maybe they were there before but I just hadn’t noticed them, since I didn’t associate them as symptoms). One of those is excessive spending. She goes shopping quite often and comes home with bags from five different stores at a time. I was suspicious of this at first because I know she makes less money than me, and I know I can’t afford to go shopping that much. Then one week I noticed on our caller ID that the credit card companies had started calling every day, which made me think she hadn’t been paying her bills. I never said anything to her because 1) I know a lot of people don’t like to discuss money, and 2) we hadn’t really been talking much at all lately, so I didn’t feel comfortable asking her about such a sensitive issue.

My dilemna is what to do about living together. I’d like to move out because things are getting more serious with my boyfriend, and I would rather not have a roommate since he’s around all the time. I’m also considering buying a place rather than continuing to rent, since interest rates are good and I’d like to make the investment. But if what I suspect is true and “L” is in trouble financially, I am pretty sure she couldn’t afford to live in our apartment by herself, and moving into a smaller and cheaper apartment would probably require her to pay a security deposit that I don’t know if she could afford. And if she didn’t have me as a roommate, I don’t know who she would live with, since she doesn’t have many other close girlfriends. I honestly feel like, as a friend to her, I have some sense of obligation to not put her in a tougher spot than the one she is already in. But on the other hand, I feel like if she can’t get her act together and control her spending, why should I be punished when I would really like to live by myself? I’m wondering what your take is on the situation.

Thanks,
Should I Stay or Should I Go

Dear Go,

You do have certain obligations in the situation — to give her plenty of notice, to make sure she gets her half of the deposit back, et cetera.Making sure she doesn’t have to file for bankruptcy?Not your responsibility.

Talk to her, tell her your plans, and give her time to make other arrangements, but don’t get bogged down in mothering her on this issue.It’s my understanding that irresponsible spending is considered a symptom or a warning flag for bi-polar disorder, but again, if she’s seeking treatment for that, it’s her thing to handle.

I don’t mean to sound uncaring, and certainly you should let her know that you’re available if she’s having a problem of some sort and needs advice; I don’t think you should tell her to fuck off or anything.But it’s not necessarily up to you to even up the responsible-behavior equation.

Sars,

I was hoping you could help me out with a problem I have.It involves a guy (no shocker there) but the circumstances are a little different and I was hoping for a fresh perspective on a sensitive topic.

A brief history: I work at a campus of a large multi-campus university.I’m a professional staff member, needed a graduate degree for my job, am relatively young (25, where I’m the youngest person in my department) and have been here almost a year.I love my job and my department co-workers — I’m very lucky.At my small campus (which is just one building) I work with a cute, funny guy my age in a different department, Brian.He’s in IT, and helps me out installing software, troubleshooting computer problems, et cetera.He’s the only IT person at this campus and I need his help fairly regularly; however, we have to make an effort to see each other because he stays in his office and I stay in mine for the most part. Brian and I are on pretty friendly terms, I know him pretty well, we have lunch together occasionally, enjoy each other’s company, et cetera.Often he will come over to my office just to hang out and chat, and I really like spending time with him.

Here’s the rub: we have an odd, complicated history together.We dated a few times at the end of last year and made out pretty heavily once before Christmas break.However, during that marathon, I told him I was a virgin, which I kind of regretted because we weren’t going to have sex that night anyway, and it was just too much information at that time.I consider myself somewhat sexually experienced (I’ve had a few boyfriends, but I just haven’t graduated past foreplay yet), and I was game for just about anything that night, but after I told him that, he saw me in a different light and it freaked him out a little.Too much pressure, I guess.The next day he left town for a week for Christmas break, and I expected him to call me sometime after our major makeout session (within a few days or so) but he didn’t.

Feeling a little insecure about our last evening (I hadn’t planned on it going quite so far so soon), I had no idea what he was thinking about me, or if regretted hooking up with me and all that good stuff, so about five days later, I called him and freaked out myself (just a little), telling him if he was uncomfortable with the situation we could just pretend like it didn’t happen when we got back to work.He was taken aback and said he hadn’t regretted it, and when he got back into town, we had a long talk and he said he wasn’t ready to be my boyfriend because he had an on-again off-again (mostly off) ex-girlfriend still in the picture and he couldn’t really handle the commitment.He was looking for fun.I said that was fine, and against my better judgment made out with him in my office.Not my smartest move, but a helluva good time.Since then, we’ve pretty much gone back to normal, a little flirting here and there, spending time together, et cetera.Nothing physical has happened again, but we talk about that brief fling fondly and there is some serious sexual tension between us.I feel like we’re working our way back up to where we were before Christmas.

So I’m getting to my question (finally!)…although Brian and I have a great time together, I don’t see us together for the long haul — he needs to grow up a little more and we’re at very different places in our lives, but we do have a lot of fun together.I don’t want him to be my boyfriend, more like my fun fling on the weekend, and if sex is a part of that, that works for me.I have no problems losing my virginity to Brian — I think he would fit the bill nicely.In fact at 25, the big V is starting to feel like a weight I want to shed.As stupid as it sounds, I feel like there’s a whole part of me that’s missing out on something really great, and while I could wait for the love of my life, who knows when that will be?I know there comes some baggage with losing one’s virginity and some guys will freak out if they are The One because they think there’s a serious level of commitment involved (believe me, I’ve dated some of them).I care about Brian, and I know sex can be a big deal, but I don’t think he has to be my soul mate (sorry — icky word) for us to sleep together, or that the event itself has to be the eighth wonder of the world.I like him and I know Brian likes me, but when we talk about the two of us, and where this is (or could be) going, I feel like we’re talking around the issue.I don’t think he realizes that spending time with me outside of work wouldn’t require huge levels of commitment from either of us (maybe a couple of nights here and there, someone to spend time with on the weekend), and sex is definitely a likelihood if we started casually dating.

But I don’t know how to broach this subject with him without seeming a) desperate, b) ridiculous or c) too aggressive.I think telling him “I want you to be my lover — does that work for you?I promise I won’t freak out this time, so let’s get your clothes off pronto” just isn’t the approach I’m going for.We were off to a nice start before Christmas before things veered off in the wrong direction — I’d just like to get back to that place.We’re pretty comfortable talking to each other about most things, so I just want to find the best way to discuss this sensitive subject with him.I’m just frustrated feeling like we’re in limbo, and I think if I gave him a little nudge, we could get this thing going.I either want to move forward or move on, because I’m not comfortable with this weird gray area we have going.But how do I do that, or should I just drop the whole thing because of our complicated history and move on?

Signed,
Forget I ever mentioned THAT and let’s get on with it already!

Dear Forget,

I’d just move on, honestly.Find a guy who doesn’t require so much managing, and with whom you don’t work, and take it from there — or leave things lie with Brian and see where it leads you.He’s probably not thinking about your virginity, really; just because it’s a major concern of yours doesn’t mean he’s obsessing about it every time the two of you flirt, so sitting back and seeing where it progresses is probably the smarter move.

Either way, skip the speech.As much as I advocate speaking frankly to people, this is one of those times when it’s just going to make matters more complicated and awkward.

Sars…

I am planning on my first dirty trip to the Big Apple (and by dirty, I don’t
mean kinky…I mean college dirty…wait..you know what I mean). I will be
absolutely poor traveling with my good friend on my first pilgrimage to
Yankee Stadium. Too long have I read your “45 Reasons To Hail The Return Of
Yankee Baseball” and not acted upon its warm glowing warming glow…so I
bought a cheap train ticket for July and strapped on my backpack and my Yankee
cap last night out of excitement.

But…before I go, I need advice from you about your city.

1. Where should I stay that will be cheap, really simple (I won’t be there
much), and safe from most molestation found in cheap, simple places?
2. Areas in NYC that I should avoid (they say “use your head”…but who does
that these days?)
3. Places that I can’t miss when not hooting at The Jeter
4. Things to shout at the Stadium

Remember, be gentle…I am a Yankee Stadium virgin.

Pickle

Dear Pickle,

Welcome!

1. It’s cheapest to stay with friends (although you should be sensitive to the fact that your friends probably won’t have a ton of room, but if you’re really only going to be there to sleep and change, it’s your best option).You could also check out some of the hostels; the best and least molest-y places are in the Chelsea and Murray Hill neighborhoods.

2. There isn’t really anyplace a tourist would end up that you have to avoid, but you will have to use your head.Stick to well-populated, well-lighted streets, especially after midnight.Walk quickly and don’t make eye contact with people.Make sure you can reach your cell phone quickly.

The area around the Stadium itself is a little on the sketchy side once you get onto the side streets, so stick close to the building.Don’t bring a bag, or keep anything in your back pocket.I’ve never gotten picked up there but it apparently happens a dozen times per game.

3. Just walk around.Get to know the city.Go off the main thoroughfares where all the other visitors are and explore.Go to Central Park and have a hot dog.Walk around Little Italy.Instead of standing in line for ages at the Empire State Building, visit St. John the Divine or the Cloisters.It’s hard for me to recommend “can’t miss” stuff without knowing what you’re into, because for some people, a pilgrimage to CBGB’s is a must, and for others it’s the MoMA, but you won’t be able to do everything, so when you get here, grab a Time Out New York, pick a couple of things, do them, and spend the rest of the time soaking up the atmosphere.

4. I’d take it easy with that.The Stadium crowd is quite friendly, I’ve found, but unless you’re there with a friend, stick to watching the game and eating peanuts.

Have fun!

Hey Sars,

My roommate got a cat and he stinks. He takes a dump at least six times a day, and it smells like something really awful has died. Do you think it’s the food she’s feeding him? He also hacks up huge, stanky hairballs that look like orange vomit. It’s really unpleasant. I am very neat and clean, and my roommate is a bit of a slob, and she tends to ignore stuff like stank cat box and lock herself in her room. I’m bugging.

I know I need to talk to her about this, but first off: a) any recommendations on cat food that will, uh, decrease the bowel frequency and b) how to stop the hairballs? Dude, they are gross. Seriously.

Yours,
It’s not his fault

Dear Fault,

As a matter of fact, yes, and you can kill two birds with one stone.I don’t know what your roomie feeds Stank Bomb currently, but grocery-store cat food tends to make the poo stink more, so suggest a switch to Iams hairball-control kibble, and either Iams or Science Diet canned cat food.If the cat isn’t loving the SD canned (mine won’t eat it), NutraMax is good too — anything they sell at the pet store that isn’t Friskies, basically.

In order to cut down on hairballage, especially now that it’s getting hotter out, your roommate needs to brush the cat at least once a week, and follow that up with a blob of Petromalt, which is a fish-flavored suspension that greases the feline digestive wheels.Most cats love the taste and will just lick it off your finger without fussing; if he’s not going for it, mix it into his food.

One other tip: Switching to a higher-quality cat food means less dye in the barf, so if the cat’s still horking, it won’t be as lurid in color, or stain carpet as much.But in case of hairball staining, get to the barf before it dries, pick up what you can with a paper towel (but without rubbing the carpet), pour some club soda on the barf site, sprinkle the barf site with a layer of table salt, wait a minute or two, and press a paper towel or rag firmly on the barf site.It doesn’t work once the yack has dried, but if it’s fresh (I know, ew), that trick will save you a lot of aggro with carpet cleaner later on.

Salting also works with cranberry juice and red wine, in case anyone is interested.And even if you’re not.Heh.

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