Sars:

I feel I’ve regressed back to the fifth grade, which is why I’m writing to you.

To explain: fifth grade was basically the nadir of my existence.I got braces and glasses the same year, was brainy and bookish and precocious, had few friends.I always felt left out, because I was.Even after I blossomed (late) into the person that I’m proud to be now, that nagging feeling that I wasn’t liked persisted.

Fast forward to this year.I relocated from one major city to another because my husband and I wanted to try something new.We have, by and large, adjusted well.We’re lucky enough to have built-in friends here and are sociable types who are fun to be around.

My problem?My workplace.I landed a great job about two months ago and am doing well there professionally so far.Personally?That’s another story.The office is pretty cliquey and it’s like fifth grade all over again — I can’t break in.The atmosphere is compounded by the fact that there are a bunch of high-level people (not me) and entry-level people (also not me) — I’m floating in no-man’s land, so there’s no natural group for me to gravitate toward.The office isn’t very big (probably about 50 people), but it’s big enough for me to feel lonely. I don’t want to force myself on anyone, so I do a lot of listening (something I’ve been told before that I’m quite good at) and observing, absorbing what’s around me.I’m usually the one right in the center of things, though, and I’m sure my coworkers think I’m the dullest thing since George Bush’s brain.

What do I do?I know that these old insecurities are partly to blame for how I feel.I’m pleasant and friendly, and my old office LOVED me (I mean, seriously loved).I was always the person trying to make the new person feel included there; I guess that person doesn’t exist at my new gig.The company party rapidly approaches and I HAVE to go, but the thought fills me with dread.I almost think I have social anxiety disorder, which makes those around me laugh — and it’s true, by outward appearances I’m vivacious, a good listener, blessed with great friends (scattered throughout the world), a wonderful husband and a small, tight-knit family.I’m lucky.So why is this keeping me up at night?

Thanks for your insight — Tomato Nation is always a great and thought-provoking read.

Office Wallflower

Dear Wall,

It’s possible to have a social anxiety disorder and still be an outgoing person; the one doesn’t really have to do with the other.And I don’t think you necessarily have an anxiety disorder anyway, so much as you’re in a cycle of unproductive thinking about this — because people don’t have to like you at your job.They just have to think you do good work, on time.That’s really it.

You spend a lot of time at work, of course, so those people do become your peer group, and it’s easier and more fun if you get along with them and have friends there — but again, it’s not your priority.Your priority is…work.

I suspect that your post-fifth-grade need to fit in, and to base your opinion of yourself on how well you do that, is not helping you here; other people can usually sense that kind of thing, but regardless, you need to stop trying for your own sake, because it isn’t working and it’s just discouraging you.Be friendly to everyone, join in the conversation when you can, but it’s not what you’re there to do, in the end, and trying so hard to get it done is wasting your time and becoming too important to you.Just interact naturally with people, and if you forge bonds, great, but if you don’t, you have a life outside of work in which you’ve proven you can do this and there isn’t anything wrong with you.When you’re at work, worry about your work.When you’re with your friends, worry about friendships.

Dear Sars:

I’m a 25-year-old woman who is having some major problems accepting herself. I won’t bore you with the whole backstory, but I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child (still don’t), endured my parents’ very messy divorce when I was a teenager, and since the age of 21, have been in relationships non-stop, with the most recent one ending just this past week.

One of the big reasons why this guy and I split was because I felt like I was losing myself; at one point, I was working at the same place as him, my friends were his friends, and I was spending almost every waking moment with him. This terrified me because I don’t want my entire identity to be wrapped up in a guy. So I walked away and am now trying to “find myself,” I guess, and become more comfortable with who I am. But what exactly does that mean and how do I do that? I used to think I had a pretty good idea of who I was -– Canadian, a cat lover, former English major, cruciverbalist, poet, bookworm. But I’ve gotten to the point where the things I enjoy don’t comfort me very much anymore and I am terrified of being alone. I’ve managed to convince myself that if I spend Friday nights at home alone I’m this gigantic loser who is missing out on life and if I don’t have a guy, I’m a failure. I don’t know how to get out of that mindset.

Last December, I spent a week in the hospital because I was suicidal. I’ve battled depression on and off for my entire life, have seen numerous shrinks, and have been on antidepressants steadily for the past year and a half. When I was released from the hospital, I was fired from my job, so I have no health insurance, and I had to quit seeing the shrink and I’m going off the meds as soon as my supply runs out. (Any day now.) Since being fired, I’ve worked a couple of crappy jobs that paid only $9/hr, but about a month ago, I managed to land a job that pays an okay wage ($12/hr), with health benefits kicking in after 90 days.

I’m still living at home with a mother who is very critical of me and who seems convinced that my depression is just in my head and that if I would just get off my ass and be more like her, all my problems would be solved. I know I need to get out of her house and be on my own; I’m hoping that with this new job, I’ll be able to save up some money and move out, possibly with a roommate. I’m trying to make some new friends. (Thank you, Craigslist.) And I’m planning on returning to school in the fall because I’ve found that my English degree has provided me with nothing but boring secretarial jobs that don’t pay very well and make me dread going to work every day.

I guess my question is this: until I can get out of my mom’s house, how do I start to feel better about myself? How do I become more comfortable with who I am and with being alone, so if I’m alone on a Friday night, it doesn’t seem like the end of the world? Right now, I’m doing the best I can. Why doesn’t it seem like it’s enough?

Sincerely,
Full of Fear and Self-Loathing

Dear Fear,

It’s my understanding that, as a Canadian, you have access to better health coverage than an American would, and you should learn what the government benefits can do for you and take advantage of them — or find a low-cost clinic or a hotline that you can call, because you need medication (and you may need a change in your meds) and you need to go to therapy, regularly, and start untangling the roots of some of these self-esteem problems.

So, start there, by focusing on your long-term mental-health plan — and feel good about the steps you’re already taking.It’s really hard to break patterns like these, especially when people around you aren’t supportive, and you should be proud of yourself for sticking with it.

It’s hard work, building self-esteem, and it doesn’t happen overnight; don’t get discouraged if you still feel like a loser sometimes.We all do.I had to have Mr. S bring me lunch yesterday because I wasn’t allowed to lift my left arm; life has a way of making us look and feel ridiculous and pathetic — if by “a way,” you mean “myriad ways” — and you just have to know that it’ll pass.

Dear Sars,

I have a really large chest.Puberty hit me like a Mack truck and left me with really big boobs to show for it.They were large enough that my pediatrician spoke to me and my mother about getting a reduction when I was about 16.At the time, my mindset was very “No, this is how I am, and besides, bigger is better.”They weren’t giving me any back problems or anything because I’ve got really broad shoulders, so we decided that it wasn’t necessary.

Well, fast forward several years, and I’m wondering what in the hell I was thinking.I can’t buy bras at department stores or even really lingerie stores because they’re not built to lift and support somewhere around twenty pounds.The bras I do find have the support problem, besides being so huge that spaghetti straps are just a fantasy.I have taken to wearing two bras to leave the house, because otherwise I kind of don’t have a torso.My chest size massively affects my self-esteem, because I feel like I can’t dress my own age (early twenties).I would have my breasts reduced now, but I’m still in college and don’t have insurance, and really, they’re still not causing me physical pain.

I’m seeing a counselor to try and deal with the self-esteem issues, among other things, so I’m hoping that may help with part of this problem.But I would absolutely love to find some bras that I could wear without doubling up that wouldn’t make me feel like a dumpy old bag.I’ve tried to find custom lingerie makers, but the midwest seems to be fairly devoid of them.

So my question is, do you know any places where a girl can get a really good bra?Maybe I’m not looking them up in the phone book under the right categories.All I want is to be able to dress like a normal 23-year-old!Any advice you can give would be extremely appreciated.

Thanks a mil, Sars,
Victoria’s Secret is that she hates big tits

Dear Big,

I feel you.I recently got refitted, and the fact that I went from an already-hard-to-find 38C to a better-fitting but generally frumptastic 34DD did not please me — I could give a shit what size I am, and I was a D cup most of my life anyway, but my breasts are not that big relative to my body.They’re proportionate to five foot ten.But try telling that to Wacoal, because every damn bra in a 34DD is a vest.Or a halter.Or a shelving unit from Ikea.

The unfortunate fact is that, once you get above a C cup, the entire physical principle of building the bra changes, because the volume of the breast itself shows a geometric increase (or so I was told by my friend Nip, back when he used to work at VS).So, flimsy little demi-spaghetti-Kleenex bras are out for well-appointed ladies such as ourselves.

But you know what is in, is a handy little gadget I call “the internet.”BareNecessities.com, HerRoom.com — both carry full lines of well-made, non-fug larger-size bras (some of the cooler ones are on backorder because Oprah featured them), and while there’s no substitute for trying them on yourself, you can always send back the ones that don’t work.

I just don’t bother bra-shopping in the stores anymore, seriously, because either they won’t have the size, they’ll try to convince me I’m not really a DD because I don’t look that big, or there’s just gaping, which, who needs it.Internet, baby.Get yourself some Chantelles and some Tishas, or go to Frederick’s of Hollywood online; they have some really pretty, unporny bras for bigger chests.Look for bras with a little bit of padding — no, really.The padding holds you up, which means you can get a slightly thinner strap.

I’m sure a deluge of suggestions from the readership is imminent, so watch this space for more resources.

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