Sars,

You advised Monk, who’s looking to start a relationship with the guy who just broke up with his girlfriend, to “get out of it now” and that “he’s had no time to process the end of a long-term relationship.”I agree with both of these points.

My question is, how do you know if someone has had enough time between relationships to have a new one? Even a lack of “freak-outs” isn’t necessarily the ultimate sign.Wouldn’t you say the amount of time someone needs depends on the break-up circumstances? Like, if they were dumped or the dumpee, or if the relationship ended in a slow death or not, et cetera.

Curiously,
Julia

Dear Julia,

Well, sure.More accurately, it depends on the individual, but yes, you have to take into account all the factors you mention, and more — who got dumped and why, how long the relationship lasted and how long the end took in coming, whether the parties remained friends, so on and so forth.

Not everyone needs a break between relationships, although I think it’s a good idea to take that time and reset the system; not everyone who does need a break will need the same amount of time.But in the vast majority of cases, two weeks off after a two-year relationship is not enough, and while the absence of freak-outs doesn’t necessarily mean anything, the presence of freak-outs pretty much does.By that, I mean that it’s not always obvious that someone’s not ready, but if it is obvious, well, you have to take the hint and get out of it.Monk’s boy is obviously not ready, and he can’t get ready if he’s in a relationship.

Every situation is unique, of course, but I have to go with the odds, and the odds tell me that Monk should chalk it up to bad timing and walk away.

I’m not looking to change my boyfriend, and I’m not even looking to make him GROW…growth isn’t a forced process, it just happens, BUT I am sometimes looking to change myself.

I am a super-emotional twenty-year-old chick.For over half of a year, I have been with a guy, who I have fallen on my face for.Problem is, sometimes I think I feel more strongly about him than he does about me.We vocalize the “I love you,” but sometimes, stupid things like him not calling or not talking to me much after sex make me feel like I am not enough.How can I learn to be less reactive to the stupid (the only adjective I can come up with) stuff?

In Love Too Quickly

Dear Quickly,

Tell the guy how you feel — that sometimes you wonder if he cares as much for you as you do for him, that it gives you aggro when he seems to pull away and not engage fully.Maybe he’s not as into it as you are, but maybe that’s just his way.Maybe he’s not very demonstrative; maybe he doesn’t really like the phone.Some people are like that, and taking it personally is not only exhausting but pointless, because it’s not you.

Talk to him about the issue and see what he says.If he doesn’t see a problem, you’ll have to see for yourself whether you can accept him and his behavior as is or if it’s not enough for you emotionally.But find out what’s going on first before you decide.

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