Hi Sars,

Okay, here’s my problem…it’s my parents. My parents have always been strict with me, meaning no sleepovers, no clubs, no weekend vacations, et cetera. Until I was 18 (I’m 24 now), I had to BEG to go out, and I had to ask my father for permission 1-2 weeks before the actual event.When I started dating my boyfriend, they loosened up. I was allowed to go out, stay out late, et cetera. They were still over-protective, but I didn’t feel like I was in a prison anymore.

Okay, fast forward five years.

I broke up with that first boyfriend and I started dating this wonderful, wonderful guy (let’s call him “Nick”).We’re totally in love, total heaven, blah blah happily-ever-after-cakes. Problem: my parents.My father believes that I hooked up with this new guy too quickly after my ex (it was a month, and it was serious right from the start). My father also believes that Nick has no future because he has no university education and his choice of career is unconventional in my dad’s opinion (he says there’s no money in that industry). He says that Nick will never be able to support me, and I should find a older rich man and marry him. After numerous cryingfests of me BEGGING my father to shut the hell up about this, I’m really fed up. I don’t want to talk to my father about Nick anymore, because my father says things like I am “above” Nick because I have a university degree and he doesn’t, and I should move up, not down.This really hurts me, because I love Nick with all of my heart, and honestly, his career could have been a lemonade stand owner and I would still love him. How can I bring Nick over and watch him be nice to my father and know that my father is thinking, “Get away from my daughter, you pathetic loser”?

My father sees that I’m not leaving Nick (it’s been six months), and now he’s trying to make life very difficult for me.He will not let me use the car anymore. Nick doesn’t have a car yet, so my father believes that Nick is using me for my car, and will never get around to purchasing his own car if I keep driving him around town. (For the record, I do NOT drive Nick around town.) So now I’m taking the bus to see Nick, and I’m freezing my ass off and I always have to leave early to catch my last bus. But it’s okay, because I love Nick and he’s worth it. Nick also lives in his own apartment; I visit Nick all the time, and haven’t told my parents because they would ABSOLUTELY FLIP OUT. Like, really. Like, really a lot.

So Sars, I’m 24, and I’m really afraid of my father.He says no, you can’t go out, and I don’t.Why?? Why am I afraid of him? What could he do to me??I really do not want to upset my parents, I don’t want to live in a household of constant fighting and anger, so I listen to what he says…but then I think, I’m freakin’ 24 years old and I have to lie about going to my boyfriend’s apartment??What do I do??I never rebelled as a teenager, so any kind of action I pull out now will surely shock them and I’m 100-percent POSITIVE that they’ll blame my “horrible behaviour” on Nick. We’ve had so many discussions about me being an adult now and just let me live my life, trust me, I will not disappoint you, et cetera, but they’re still the same. Something has to be done because it’s affecting me — how can I act and feel like an adult if I have to beg my parents to let me take the car?Moving out is not an option, by the way — they would never speak to me again. Sigh.

Daddy’s Little Girl

Dear Little Girl,

Why do you want them to speak to you if they clearly have no respect for you whatsoever?Seriously.Think about it.Your father is an immature, controlling sexist.That bullshit about your having to “marry up” and find a man to take care of you?Not the way we talk to, or about, grown women here in the twenty-first century.

Your parents dictate your behavior and your emotions, in no small part because you let them.They treat you like a child because you act like one.You still cry to Daddy about how he’s being so unfair.You still live in their house; you still drive their car.You want them to treat you like an adult?Start walking the walk.

You’re a voting adult.Get a bit of money together, find an apartment, and move out of your parents’ house.On your way out, tell your parents you’re very sorry they can’t find it in their pinched little hearts to feel happy for you, but your relationship with Nick is not their bailiwick, and if they don’t like it, tough shit.Stop trying to please them.It won’t work.

I know you don’t want to break with them, but you have to grow a backbone and get out of there.They run you like a fourteen-year-old because you allow it.Stop allowing it.Live your life and let them soak in it.

Dear Sars,

I have a pretty strong feeling that my sister (let’s call her “R”) might be a lesbian; however, I’m not sure. I’ve been suspecting for a long time, with no reason in particular, just this vague feeling that she was. Recently, however, there’s been something more concrete.

Some months ago, this foreign woman (let’s call her “S”), whom R didn’t know before she came to [my country], moved here for a while. They got friendly very quickly, moved in together, and seemed to be more than friends — they spent all their time together. Then S had to move because she hadn’t found a job here; she found a job in Country X and left. Before she left, they talked about going on holiday together, and now, not more than, say, a month after she left, my sis is on holiday in Country X visiting S. To me, it sounds pretty much like they’re a couple.

I wouldn’t mind either way whether she is a lesbian or not, but the not knowing is driving me nuts. I’m not sure if I’m exaggerating things or what, it would just make my mind easier if I knew. For another thing, I would also know how to relate to S — there’s a difference between “sister’s friend” and “sister’s girlfriend,” somehow. I strongly suspect that if R is a lesbian, then she has come out already, and that my parents and her friends know about it and her relationship. R is 10 years older than me (I’m 18, she’s 28), and maybe that’s the reason she hasn’t told me. I would like to find out one way or another; the uncertainty bugs me.

What I’m asking is, is it none of my business and should I just leave it alone? Should I ask her? If so, how could I ask her without her possibly getting offended that I’m making assumptions, or invading her privacy (she is a very private person)? Should I ask one of my family or what?

Not Sure What To Do

Dear Not Sure,

This isn’t really about whether she’s a lesbian.It’s about the fact that she hasn’t confided in you either way.

It’s not “none of your business,” exactly, but if there’s something to tell in the first place, she’ll tell you when she’s ready.Until then, leave it alone — and think about why you want to know so badly.

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