Sars,

I’m going to spare you the gory details of this one and stick to the short
version.I hope I manage to include all relevant details.

Last year I was
visiting my parents and “friends from home” for the holidays in my home city,
800 miles away from where I usually live.In a moment of (alcohol-induced)
poor judgment, I ended up in bed with a boy (24 — but still a boy) that I’ve
known for years.We’ve been friends of friends since high school and I’ve
partied with him over the years, but I never saw any romantic potential with
him.

At first, my feelings toward that infamous evening were ambivalent, but
he got my number and started calling and quickly I changed my mind and decided
to let things develop.Of course, my expectations were limited since we live
so far apart, but I’m in my hometown often enough that I thought something
might work.And I figured that, though I’d keep my options open, at the time I
had nothing better going on.(Or at least this is what I told myself then; in
hindsight, I realize my motivations may have been far more complicated, but
that’s beside the point for these purposes.)As you can imagine, things really
didn’t work out, despite my most valiant efforts.The whole drama dragged on
for months in part because I was being stubborn, but also because he was never
really straight with me about where he was coming from — lots of mixed signals.

As of now, I think I’m over the whole thing, but there’s one thing that still
bothers me.I really want to know his take on the situation.I know I wasn’t
always straightforward with him and I never felt he was straightforward with
me.Not knowing what “really happened” bothers me (this is a recurring problem
in my life — I think it’s a recurring problem for everyone).My question is if
this is just one of those things that you have to accept will never get to
resolved, and closure must be found some other way (time seems to the only
solution here, but I’m open to other suggestions)?Alternatively, is there a
way to initiate a frank debriefing session with him — we have kept I touch, but
the topic has not been broached by either of us since it became clear to me
that it really wasn’t going anywhere?

Looking for Closure in All the Wrong Places

Dear Wrong,

Yes, it is, and no, there isn’t.It’s natural to want answers, but in the kind of situation you describe — he was sending you a lot of mixed messages, things limped along like that for a while — you have to look to yourself for that closure, not to him, for two reasons.First of all, he’s not equipped to give you the kind of concise summing-up you want, and second of all, if he does cough up a reason, it’s probably going to be one either that you don’t want to hear or that doesn’t answer your questions in the first place.

Do you see what I’m saying?I’ve been there, and I hear you, but the thing is, you already pretty much do know what “really happened.”What you want is for him to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, but he’s not set up for that.You’ll have to make your peace with the end without his help.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem that has stumped all the advice-givers in my life, so I
have decided to bother you with it.

For many years now I have been good friends with D. We lived together all
through college, took classes together, and were generally on the same
wavelength. She’s very funny and outgoing and helped me to become a more
outgoing person. We always had a ridiculous amount of fun hanging out and
causing mischief.

But in the years since we graduated from college, we’ve
grown apart. The specifics aren’t really important. What it comes down to is
that I realized I was putting a lot more effort into maintaining the
friendship than she was, and I decided to step back and let her take the
lead for awhile. She didn’t.

In the past couple of months, I’ve been through some huge life changes (a
major illness, moving in with my SO), and I haven’t heard from her at all.
She called me while I was in the hospital and I haven’t heard from her
since. I have no idea what’s going on in her life, and she doesn’t know
what’s going on in mine. At this point, I really don’t think there’s much of
a friendship left to salvage. I would be okay with this if I could just
mourn the end of the relationship and move on, but here’s the part where I
need advice.

Even though our relationship has been getting more distant for
a couple of years now, whenever I see D, she acts like we’re still best
friends forever. I’m due to visit her in a month, and I’m not sure I can
rehash the same gossip from college again and pretend that things are just
great between us. It makes my heart ache, because all I can think about is
how close we used to be, and how it’s all an act now.

Ideally, I would like to sit down with her and tell her that I feel like our
friendship has gone down the tubes and I’d like to try and fix it, but I
know this wouldn’t solve anything. I called her out once about lying to me,
and she proceeded to pretend the conversation never happened and stopped
mentioning anything regarding the situation that she lied to me about (I
think she thought that if she didn’t mention it to me, she technically
wasn’t lying, so things were fine). She’s just not good at absorbing
criticism, even when it’s meant to be constructive.

So, to put my dilemma into the form of a question: Is there any way to
gracefully end my friendship with D? We have mutual friends in the city
where she lives, so I don’t think it’s going to be possible to stop seeing
her altogether, but I would like her to get the message that we’re not close
friends anymore and I can’t think of any way of doing that without being
terribly hurtful to her. I’d greatly appreciate any advice that you could
give me.

Thanks,
Failed Friend

Dear Failed,

What “message” is she supposed to get when you go to visit her — that you don’t like her?It’s not like she’s innocent of wrongdoing here, but it’s not like you act angry, either; okay, she’s ignoring the fact that she lied to you about blah blah blah, but have you called her on that?Have you given it any consequences?

If you want her to “get the message,” start sending it, instead of expecting her to somehow divine that you’ve had it from your behavior, which says the opposite.Speak frankly to her.”I resent the fact that you haven’t made an effort in this friendship.””I know we used to have good times together, but we’re not close anymore, and it’s odd to me that you act like we are.”Maybe it won’t do any good, but if you want her to know that you’re done, maybe you should start actually acting done, instead of continuing to visit her and let her shit slide.

If you really don’t care to repair things, well, then don’t bother, but it’s clear she’s not going to read your mind — discuss the issues with her, and if she’s still not getting it, start distancing yourself, but you can’t have it both ways.

Dear Sars,

First off, I’d like to say that I’ve always enjoyed your webpage,
for obvious reasons.I’ve come across a problem in my life, though,
that I don’t think I can fix myself, and I was wondering if you might
be able to help me, because it’s affecting my life.I’ll try to keep
this as clear and concise as possible:

I have a crippling fear of romantic relationships.Not the physical
aspect, but the emotional one.I’ll give you a little background — I
had a terrible awkward phase.Words can’t even begin to describe it,
but I got teased mercilessly because of my looks.So, as a teenager, I
had a fear of rejection, because I didn’t think anyone would ever want
to date someone who looked like me.

Thankfully, I grew out of the
awkward phase, and from what other people tell me, I’m pretty
attractive. (It bothers me to write that, but I want to make it clear
that I no longer have issues with how I look.)My first real
experiences with the guys were in college — generally random drunken
hook-ups.Then my problem did a 180 — it seemed that the guys only
were interested in me for physical reasons, and wanted nothing beyond
that.Eventually, I learned to lay down some ground rules for myself
and learned how to better deal with, in essence, being used, and
managed to convince myself that it was okay because I was using them
too.

Senior year comes along, and I being dating this boy that I work
with.We dated for about five months.He was the only guy I ever felt
comfortable enough with to trust with my emotions, which turned out to
be a bad move on my part.He didn’t treat me very well, and broke up
with me when I was drunk.I didn’t see it coming and was completely
devastated.I couldn’t understand how someone I cared so much about
could care so little about me, and more importantly, I couldn’t
understand how I could’ve so misjudged him.Then I went on a spree of
random hooking up, and refused to date anyone, at all.I never even
considered giving anyone a shot.

That was three years ago.Recently
though, I’ve begun to realize that I need to, and want to, open myself
up to someone again.The problem is that I don’t know if I can, or if
I can without completely losing my mind.There’s a guy that I’ve been
hooking up with for a few months now, and have begun to develop
feelings for.He’s very sweet, and recently he implied that he wants
to see me on a regular basis.While I would like to see him on a
regular basis, I have a few problems with it.

First of all, I don’t
know if all he wants is the sex, or if he actually wants to date, or if
it’s even possible to go from a purely physical relationship to an
emotional one.Secondly, I don’t know how to extract this info from
him without freaking him out.And thirdly, it scares the crap out of
me.We had plans to hang out yesterday and I was so convinced he was
going to stand me up that I was crying and almost threw up.He didn’t
stand me up — he actually left work early so we could hang out.But
then he didn’t try to do anything more physical than hugs and cuddling,
so that of course sent my mind reeling that he doesn’t really like
me.I’ve been nauseated since he suggested seeing each other more
frequently.

I don’t understand why I’m like this or what to do.I’m
intelligent, have a good job, lots of friends, no problem meeting or
attracting guys — every other aspect of my life I’m completely fine
with.But I don’t want to die loveless and alone, so any advice you
could offer me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Die Alone and Get Eaten By
Her Cats

Dear Girl,

If the idea of making a commitment to an apparently nice man for whom you have feelings is making you physically ill, it’s time to see a therapist.You’ve got love and sex and your looks and your self-esteem all knotted together way too tightly, and you don’t know how to manage — and, really, nobody does, we all just make it up as we go along, but you need to find a way to approach this stuff without blowing it so far out of proportion.

Whether he does or he doesn’t “really like you” isn’t the point.The point is that, either way, it’s not the end of the world, he’s just one guy, and you can’t let your fears about what might happen, or what he might think or do, cripple you this way.See a counselor and try to get these things untangled so that you can integrate relationships into your life more smoothly.

Hi Sars!

I had a question on gym etiquette. I know they always say, “Wipe down the machines after you get them all sweaty,” and I’m afraid I’m being an inconsiderate ass. I work with a trainer once a week, and we often use the weight machines in the gym, but we’re always moving pretty quickly between machines, alternating machines and mat exercises, et cetera so I don’t really have time to run over to the cleaning station, grab a paper towel and cleanser, and wipe down every machine after each exercise. Plus I only get an hour with the guy, and I’m trying to get through all of the exercises in a timely manner. Is that totally and unforgivably gross? In my defense, I’m not doing power lifting so I’m not really sweating and getting the machines all drippy and nasty. Plus, I’ve watched the other gym patrons and it seems about half wipe ’em down, half don’t.

So what’s your take on it? Should you wipe down the machines regardless of how long you’ve used them and how sweaty you’ve gotten them? Or if you’re only doing 3 sets of 12 reps on a lat bar, can you let it slide without being branded a cretin?

Thanks,
Trying Not to be THAT Person

Dear Trying,

Bring your own roll of paper towels and bottle of cleanser and carry it with you from station to station.

Dear Sars,

I need help with my messy family situation.

My mom and grandma (my mom’s mother) have not spoken to one another in five years.I have been married for five years.The event that precipitated their break was — yes, you guessed it — a fight they had about me just after my wedding.My grandma said some unkind things about me and my wedding, my mom defended me, and my grandma hasn’t spoken to her since.I only heard the barest outline of the fight from both sides, neither of whom would tell me the specifics (for which I am thankful).The situation was made more difficult because my grandma was living with my mom and dad at the time.After she had not spoken to my mom for three months, my parents offered to buy her a house of her own and asked her to move out.She did not take them up on the offer of a house, but she did move out.

They have not spoken to one another since, and have only been physically together once since then, at the funeral of a relative.They did not speak at the funeral.

Our family is very small.Grandma’s only living relatives are her sister (who lives in a foreign country), Mom, me and my younger sister.There is no one else.My sister had cancer last year, which required surgery and chemo.She is now cancer-free and is getting married this year.Her upcoming wedding is exciting for me, because I love her fiancé (who cared for her when she was ill) and because I’m so happy she is alive.Her wedding would be a big deal under any circumstances, but given what she has been through in the last year, it is a VERY big deal.

I spoke to my sister last night, and she told me that Grandma is not going to her wedding.She said she was okay with that decision and was sad but not mad.She said she didn’t understand the fight, doesn’t want to deal with it, and that it doesn’t have anything to do with her.She doesn’t know that it was about me.She has not told Mom that Grandma is not coming to the wedding, and she doesn’t plan to tell her.She begged me to not tell Mom and to not talk to Grandma.

I’m really angry.My relationship with Grandma has been strained since the fight, but I do maintain contact with her.I was planning to call her and offer to stay with her at the wedding so that she would not be alone.Now I want to call her up and yell at her for being so stupid as to miss 50 percent of her grandkids’ weddings.I also want to find a way to talk my sister into telling Mom, because I don’t think Mom should be surprised by this at the last minute.I don’t want to see Mom spend the whole of my sister’s wedding fuming at Grandma.

So far, everyone has done a decent job of keeping me out of the middle of this, but now I find myself wanting to dive right in.Can you see any way that I can help Grandma see how foolish she is?Or how I can help my sister realize that springing this all on Mom at her wedding is a bad idea?I’m angry and frustrated, and mostly I guess I just want my nice cozy family back, and I suppose that I secretly feel like I’ve caused this whole mess by some unknown thing I did at my wedding.

Sincerely,
Wannabe Ms. Fix-it

Dear Wanna,

Stay out of it.Your grandmother is an asshole, and she’s probably doing everyone a favor by staying home; why you still speak to her is not clear to me, but I don’t think you need to give her the negative attention she obviously craves by getting involved in her bullshit.You should say as much to your sister, too — you think this sucks for her, you’re sorry if you inadvertently caused this mess, and you really think it’s a bad call not to tell your mother until the last minute, but you recuse yourself from dealing with it, at all, period.

I do think your sister needs to tell your mother what’s going on, and I also think you need to impress upon her that she’s putting you in the position of lying to your mother, which you don’t appreciate and won’t do — but beyond that, try to steer as clear of the entire flap as possible.The prescription for your entire family, really, is to let your grandmother go off by herself and act like a tiny bratty child, and ignore her, instead of letting her pitting you all against each other this way.

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