Okay, here’s the deal.I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year.It’s been long distance the whole time.Currently we’re about 250 miles away from each other and we see each other a couple times a month.He’s one of those stereotypical computer geeks who are bad at remembering things (like birthdays) and don’t express themselves well.He’s also got a really stressful high-pressure job.I know all this.But I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to expect him to drop me a couple lines every couple of days.I’m not talking about deathless declarations of devotion, all I want is a short commentary, a “work sucks, the cat’s fine, the weather is beautiful” type of thing.Yet now we’re at the point of maybe one e-mail a week.Forget about ICQ or god forbid, the telephone.This drives me up a wall, since I’m sending him four to six times his correspondence.I feel like I’m a puppy whining after its master for attention.Need I tell you I don’t like this feeling at all?This is the third time it’s happened in the last six months, and I’m ready to tell him to shove off.But every time I nerve myself up to do it, I remember how sweet he is in person, how he indulges me completely, how he seems really glad to see me and sort to see me go, how we never fight (this is about as close as we get) and how happy I am when I’m with him, and then I’m ready to do anything I have to to keep him in my life.

What should I do?Do I push him away and save my dignity?Or do I swallow my pride and continue on, giving him a stern talking-to about it (which I’ve done twice before, and I’m sure he’s sick of)?

Got the brush-off letter ready to go

Dear Got,

Some people just don’t do very well at staying in touch.I have long-distance friendships like this – when we see each other, it’s fabulous, but otherwise, it’s radio silence – and I’ve had boyfriends like this too.These people don’t see the point of dropping a line if nothing significant is going on; calling “just to talk” goes against their nature.It gets frustrating for those of us who do see the point, and it’s difficult not to take it personally.

I well know how a situation like yours can become a source of resentment, because it starts to feel like he just can’t be bothered, and that hurts.Talk to him again.Tell him how it makes you feel when it seems like you make all the effort; remind him that different rules apply to a long-distance relationship, and that he’ll have to apply a little elbow grease that he wouldn’t necessarily need if the two of you lived in the same place.Tell him that you wouldn’t give up the time you spend together for anything, but that you’ve started to feel put-upon, and you’ve begun to wonder if you should keep trying.Get the reassurance you need that he cares, but just isn’t good at this kind of thing.

If that’s the case, you’ll have to decide for yourself if it’s worth it, and if you can accept that he cares about you but just doesn’t like to make small talk on the phone or whatever . . . and if you want to continue this relationship, you’ll need to find a way to stop keeping score.You don’t have to stop sending him letters or gifts or what have you, but you do have to realize that he’s an in-person guy and it’s got nothing to do with you.

On the other hand, a word of warning.If, after you’ve brought the subject up, he responds by saying that he doesn’t like “to feel obligated,” or that he refuses to make any adjustments because he wants to remain “true to” himself, you should punt him.I’ve gotten that line several times, and I never seem to heed it, but please learn from my mistakes and don’t wait around past the opening bars of “Don’t Fence Me In.”That’s emotional immaturity talking, and it’s telling you that you won’t get what you need from the guy.

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