Hey Sars,

Having lived on both sides of the border, I can say that most US-based financial planners/tax people will know next to nothing
about Canadian issues. I can point you in the direction of the following Canadian financial planners who seem to know US-related
issues.

1. David Ingraham — Vancouver-based Cross-border specialist
http://www.centa.com/
T: 1-604-980-0321
F: 1-604-980-0325

His web site is a bit of a mess, but has some useful details, and lots of free information from old mailing lists.

2. Henderson Partners — Oakville ON
http://www.hendersonpartnersllp.ca
They did my taxes etc, for the last few years to get me up-to-date and helped with RRSPs vs 401-Ks.

Two cautionary points: 1) it’s not cheap; 2) cross-border taxes and retirement plans are a huge can of worms that are difficult to
sort. It took me about four years to get mine to the point where I figure I understand 90% of it.

Regards,
J

Thanks for the resources.Another reader suggested contacting the local office of PriceWaterhouseCoopers, which will probably offer ex-pat services like these.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got a fashion/wedding question!

Next weekend I’m going to the wedding of a school friend, held in my hometown, which I haven’t been back to for like six years, full of people I
haven’t seen since I left when I was 16. Obviously I have a burning desire
to look smoking hot. The problem is, I had imagined wearing my favourite
little black dress that has magic powers of smoothing out all manner of
bumps and lumps; but now my mother is making noises about never wearing
black to weddings.

Is this still inappropriate or is it an old-fashioned notion? I’m a bit
color-phobic and the thought of wedding-flavoured pastels gives me chills.

Thanking God I’m not a pink-satin-wearing bridesmaid

My take on it is as follows: I would try to avoid wearing black to a wedding, myself, just in case, if I have another dress I like, because why get into it (and there is in fact a healthy middle ground between black and candy-pink — you can wear a medium blue, or a print, you know).But, in the end, if the black dress is what fits best and is clean, that’s what I would wear, because: nobody is looking at me.I’m not the bride, I’m not the groom, I’m not in the ceremony, and nobody cares what I wear.

Etiquette folk seem to be split on the issue — but lean towards approving black dresses as long as it’s not too Gothy and heavy.Peggy Post on iVillage says it’s fine, but black attire at a wedding “should look chic, not funereal”; Margaret Berry, meanwhile, says black is out “unless [female guests] are mourning for” the bride.DigsMagazine says it’s okay; Handbag.com says it’s okay as long as it’s not head-to-toe black; Buzzle.com says black is okay, but white is still out; Town & Country editor-in-chief Pamela Fiori says black is fine. /p>

It’s really what you feel comfortable with, I think, although it’s probably worth noting that attitudes about this stuff are a bit freer above the Mason-Dixon line (Berry writes for a Dallas newspaper, which is probably not a coincidence).Again, when people look back on the wedding, they won’t really remember what you wore, but regardless, although you will always find someone who will tell you that wearing black to a wedding Is Not Done, generally speaking it’s okay.

Dear Sars,

About six months ago I got a message on a dating site from
a guy we will call D. I joined the site out of boredom, and when he
mentioned hanging out boredom and restlessness where the main reason I
agreed. We ended up hanging out at his place bullshitting with his friends
for a few hours. All in all a very chill relaxed night. After his friends
left we ended up hooking up. I was already fairly attracted to him but I
hadn’t really been with anyone since my ex and walked away that night
writing it off as a one-time thing. A few days later he got a hold of me,
and since then we have been hanging out about once a week. Always a
variation on the same routine. Hanging out at his place for a bit, and then
I stay the night. We have had about one serious conversation in this time.
Basically it boiled down to we liked each other, neither of us knew what we
wanted, but knew we weren’t ready for a relationship, and would continue
what we had going but were also seeing other people.

This is where J enters into the picture. I live slightly in the middle of
nowhere so when I met J who lived insanely close to me and was fun to hang
out with I was psyched. We have only been hanging out for a few months now,
but he is slowly becoming one of my better friends. I know no matter what I
can call him and he is there. I really don’t sleep with every guy I meet.
But because this whole being single and dating thing is something I am newly
muddling through I slept with him. At first everything was fine. We were
just friends who occasionally did the nasty. I made him aware of my previous
involvement with D before anything physical happened between us, and he
mostly seems fine with it.

About the time things began to be more frequently physical between me and J,
I lost touch with D for a few weeks. We have never been the kind to talk
daily or share every aspect of our lives. During that time J admitted to me
that he has begun to see us moving towards a serious relationship. I am
nowhere near ready for a serious relationship again with anyone, and I
informed J of this. He took it in stride, but from small comments he makes I
can tell he still thinks that is where we are heading.

I was slightly torn on whether or not I wanted a relationship not just at
all, but specifically with him. The answer came in the form of D popping
back into my life after a few weeks. We ended up hanging out again last
week, and it was fairly like we had never stopped hanging out. A certain
level of comfort, and I will say lust just exists there that only seems
to be slowly growing. The more I know him, the more I want to know.The
problem with that is…I really don’t know what he wants. He has told me
repeatedly that he has a good time with me, and he thinks we get along
really well.

So I guess I am finally getting down to my question(s): what do I do? I have
realized that I am obviously interested in being more involved with D, and
while I should just grab my (metaphorical) balls in my hand and confront it,
I don’t want to risk losing the comfort I currently have with him. I’m not
ready for the whole relationship yet, but he is someone I can potentially
see wanting one with not that far down the road. Do I wait till I am ready,
and then confront it? Do I speak up now? Should I just walk away before the
rejection?

And what about J? I want to keep him as a friend, we started off as just
friends and I have tried to keep it that way. I have realized in this
situation I was a fool to believe that sex wouldn’t get in the way of our
friendship. Is there anyway to back off physically, and letting him know
that I don’t see us heading towards a relationship without completely losing
him from my life?

Signed,
Being single is hard

First, you have to figure out what you want.You say over and over that you don’t want a “real” relationship, that you’re just having fun and so on, but…your behavior indicates to me that you are shopping around for another relationship.Not that sex has to lead to a commitment, or that you can’t just hang out with people and not have it be boyfriend-girlfriend, but if you were really in that space, I don’t think I’d have gotten this letter.So, decide what it is you really want here.If it’s really to stay single, then maybe the best thing is to stop spending time with either of these guys, in anything other than a friendly, platonic capacity, so that you don’t confuse the issue for yourself.

But if you don’t want to stay single, or you don’t want to stay single much longer and you want to see where D is with that, you will have to sack up and say so.D is not a mind-reader and neither are you (and neither is J), so if you want to know where D sees this going, you’ll have to ask; if you don’t feel comfortable continuing to sleep with J, you’ll have to say so, and stop sleeping with him.

No, things aren’t going to stay the same, but 1) you don’t really like things the way they are now, sort of in limbo, and 2) that’s baseball, unfortunately.You need to fish or cut bait, and frankly, I think it’s time to cut bait on them both.One of them’s probably not ready; the other isn’t what you want; you aren’t required to pick/settle for one or the other, and if you aren’t ready, to settle for one of them or for anyone, removing yourself from both situations is probably the smartest move.Feelings are developing with these guys, on various sides, and you kind of have to deal with the reality of that even if it’s not what you’d planned.

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